[Lynn Barry]

I didn't know you were on here, Lynn. Awesome!
Maybe I did but forgot...menopausal moments explain and excuse so much.
Star's b-siblings are visiting here today. I think she wants them to see she is okay and let them be a part of her new/old life now.

It is with understanding and flexibility AND SUPPORT that we CAN get through everything we are dealt...
HUGS and LOVE

[Lynn Barry]

This is beginning to resemble a soap opera, but it is my real life as an adoptive parent. Yes, people say that biological kids move away too...aren't always connected with the family, but this is different.
My daughter met her b-relatives, because we helped her find them, and then she left her husband for someone the b-father raised and had two kids by this guy, who basically had the life she would have had if not put into the foster system and adopted at age five by us.
I struggled for six years with little to no contact, making excuses for her not being interested or in contact etc. We'd get back together briefly and talk or see each other, there was never any harsh words on her part, always loving and up...then she called to ask if she could come here with here three kids (first with her husband) and the boyfriend because she had cheated on the boyfriend and they wanted to start over and the guy she had a fling with was stalking. Perhaps I was so excited to have them in our lives I overlooked the reality of the situation...and that is that they fled that neighborhood and didn't just voluntarily come to be near us. The boyfriend was unhappy from day one and kept going back to the old neighborhood often days and then weeks at a time and then return. Our daughter seemed to be settling in and said she would never go back there. She was welcomed overwhelmingly by old friends and of course all adoptive relatives. She moved into a house we own and one she said she loved. she spent her high school years in that house. She got a part time job and was fixing up the house and again the boyfriend would come back and forth but when she told us he called her a whore in front of the kids we told her we didn't want him around and hoped she felt the same. She acted all along like she didn't care if he was around or not and was friendly towards her husband again, and they never had legally divorced. The kids seemed very happy in school. We were also uneasy about a bruise she showed us when she first arrived, but she made it sound like it was because she's cheated and the boyfriend got mad...well...any ways..she is about to start a nursing program and we're thinking all is great...she finds out the boyfriend has had another girlfriend and that is why he was going back and forth...and then I arrive at her door step after spending days of laughing and joking and good time together to a note...like she left first time...poof...most of her things were gone...the kids had already been gone with her half sister for the weekend, so that is why we had the time to have fun and the note in essence said she wasn't happy and has to find herself and she is going to try new places and loves us all very much and will call all the time ...blah blah blah...back to the way it was before and she is right back in her birth neighborhood.

SO...I have no idea if she is actually back with the boyfriend but I know that she had some idea that some of the birth relatives were going to move here too since she had and none did so I can only imagine that she wanted to go back...when she first went there she had told me she was happy there..Now it's no calls...answers a text now and then as long as it is kept light.

Our reality...there is another family in most of our adopted kids...even an orphan might have some cousin or somebody out there...We HAVE to accept that. For some it all fits together neatly and for the rest of us we have to prepare to share and even say good bye...and have a good life...we can't make someone want to be in our lives...I did enjoy the three months though...better than nothing. Some great memories...

[Lynard1210]

Hi Lynn - it's Lynn. I'm very sorry to hear your daughter has left again. I am glad to hear you had some good times before she did, though.

My stepdaughter is still gone, however we found out last night she is pregnant a third time, got married quickly a second time to an 18 yr old new marine and is moving to CA today, taking her 2 year old with her (which means that child's dad and grandparents can no longer see her). Her life seems to be filled with instability - similar to what your daughter seems to be experiencing. Do you ever wonder if it was her early life that was so chatotic that causes these erratic choices? Everything I read now days says those first 3 years are so important. I watch my stepdaughter try to "recreate" the drama of her own life, although she is showing no signs of calming down and facing her problems. I am convinced she is suffering with a mental illness. And since she has completely shut us out, there is no way for us to even attempt to help her. It's hard . . . .. hang in there.

[Lynn Barry]

Hi Lynn,

I hear ya and that is my point...there is a lot of baggage, especially with older adoptees. In our case our daughter was in one foster home with a couple who have two girls and took in foster kids all the time. Star was with them from six months until five when she came to us. They are also prison missionaries, so it seems a pretty picture, but she did have visits with borth relatives too until age three at which time for something innappropriate happening the visits stopped. So yes, those early years are crucial. Star can function so normally that no one suspects the underlying stuff that is happening...She is exceptionally pretty so she gets all kinds of attention for that too and seems to be able to handle but I think that does something to a person too and not always in a good way.

Thanks for sharing...it means a lot to me. I think when we pretend it is all roses... we deceive ourselves.
HUGS

[Katey_Lee]

Wow, I have so many heartfelt things come into play reading this thread. This is my first time on this forum, and adoption is a HUGE part of my life though it is something rarely spoken of. I met my biological mother when I was 18 and pregnant with my daughter. Initially she was very interested in knowing me, but it was short lived and a year later, our contact became a once every few years phone call when I have taken the time to look her up.
I grew up knowing that I was adopted, and as it were, the woman that my bio-mother stayed with during the last few months of her pregnancy, was very close friends with the woman who was my grandmother in my adopted family. My grandfather (adopted family) was an OB/GYN and had delivered me, his wife placed babies as part of an open door adoption program in Idaho. I grew up with tidbits of news and the knowledge that there was a small compilation of letters and pictures, wedding invitations etc. that would be given to me one day if I wanted to know her. I grew up seeing my grandmother pull out notebooks of records that she had kept on adoptive mothers and names of families where babies had been placed when she received phone calls of a parent or child searching for their counterpart. Today she is 89 years old and still gets those calls from time to time. My biological connections were more of a “what can be someday…” in addition to the a “where I came from before this.”
My adopted family had several children, my siblings, after adopting me as their first child. I have to be honest that while my family claimed that I was loved equally, there were differences and they were inadvertently pointed out from time to time and felt. The solution was to tell me the story about how I was special because they had chosen me. This perhaps was the best response they could have given, but set a habit in me to turn my thoughts to the adoption when I felt inadequate. I did idolize the family that that was unseen. I knew by atleast 8 years of age that she had married a few years after I had been born and had 3 children. Whenever things felt unfair at home, I remember feeling that I hurt that she had children that she loved enough to keep, and I hurt that I was not “really” the child of my adoptive parents. These two ideas did leave me feeling quite lost when I was an adolescent.
I believe that all teenagers tend to have a sense of not really belonging when they are soul searching to find themselves and their own place in the world. I am now the mother of a 15 year old girl who feels lost at times as well. It is natural. As adopted children, I think it is easy to decide we have a valid reason for this sense of not belonging, and have to process that with the feelings before we can really move on. What would my life have been without you, if this one choice had not been made by this stranger who was my mother? (remember, it is not easy to give up your child, and life for your child probably would not have been what they have fantasized, or the decision would not have been made) It is not really about love, but about standing up as an adult, showing all the people who made our life decisions for us that they did ok, and that we are strong and independent and capable. It is about making sure that everyone knows that our decisions from now on are our own.
I suppose the idea of this, and our maturity is more readily acceptable to the parents who have not known us as children. They haven’t watched us make mistakes, haven’t seen us in pain and humbled by our actions as we were learning. They love us as the baby they had, and have already let us go and given up the right and let go of the need to influence our decisions. They are hungry to be our friends with a parental title. That is a wonderful draw when searching for independence, but when life presents itself again, and we grow up enough to recognize that we may need help and someone to lean on and be the stronghold in our lives that our parents were when growing up, it is the people who raised us that we cling to and need. No matter how angry or lonely or hurt or lost, they are the ones who have always been a part of life and its struggles. They are the people that we have grown to count on and rely on.

Believe then when they say they still love you. Chances are that it is true.

[kune]

Lovely Post Katey Lee....You said it so well.

Ann

[Lynn Barry]

Dear Katy Lee and I do mean DEAR Katy Lee. Thank you for your honesty and openness to responding to my cry about pain and ups and downs with struggling to understand myself my daughter and how we interact grow separate come together and on it goes.
I wondered about what goes on inside my daughter's head about being adopted and asked her this time when she was around if she always wondered why the people who gave birth to her didn't raise her and she said YES she did...and all the times when I explained that they were 14 and 16 and the dad was in jail meant nothing...she still could not get it out her of her head that they didn't raise her...now that she is in their lives it probably does not matter because her circle is connected again...it is hard for me because they are very dangerous people with mounds of social problems like alcohol and drug abuse and abusing and neglecting children cheating on significant others and literally taking whatever they want when they want so it breaks my heart that her kids are being exposed to that lifestyle too...but she wrote in the note when she left that she likes the "unpredictable" and often communicated that the safe life we raised her in was boring...having written that Katy I thank you for reaching out to me in my dark time to let me know that she does love me and that is real...the sad part is the feelings of rejection because now they come from me and they are similar to her anger over wondering why THEY didn't raise her...I am wondering WHY she doesn't want to be a part of my life and let me be a part of hers...

Thank you...hugs and love and respect and admiration.
Lynn

[dpen6]

Lynne,

I am so sorry this is happening again. I was placed in my adoptive home at 21/2, adopted legally at 3 1/2. I was in 6 differnt foster homes so maybe came to my home "with baggage" but would never have thought of leaving my mom and dad for birthfamily. Even as a teen, as much as I wanted to know about them the thought that they were "family" and not my adoptive family would never have entered into my radar. Everyone and every situation is different, I geuss my personality and that of my parents meshed enough that I didn't feel the need to run, some adoptees maybe but I think that there are many that don't.

I do beleive that saying that "older" adoptees come with baggage is a generalization that portrays oldr adoptees as lacking in something...thats how I am taking anyway......its wrong.

Theonly thing that my mother said was that when she first got me I would stand in the cornere of the kitchen, between cabinets and just watch. i would hide my hands behind my back and just watch. she had to very gently try to coax me out of the corner. I must have been petrified. Was the problem that i was not with birth mother, no, I think it was because I was bounced around into 6 differnt foster homes. thats where the baggage might come in....lack of stability. My older brother wwas 4 years old when adopted, he didn't run to his birth family, my younger sister was 6 mo at adoption, she didn't run to birthfamily(she is also bipoler), my younger brother adopted at 10 days has the most problem with being adopted, expresses the most anger"she could't wait to get rid of me" was one of his comments. Even when it is expalined the reality of the situation...ie...young mother, no choices...he still feels the anger. According to mainline thinking on adoption he should be th most secure...he's not.

So my point...there is really no room for genralization. Unfortuanltly your daughter had a need to run..something tells me she would have had that even if not adopted..sometimes we are just born that way. Sometimes kids make parents cry and hurt( i have 5...bio....and no they haven't run away but they have hurt me at times)

[Lynn Barry]

dpen6,
Good point about her personality as a runner...in fact she went to states in high school for track and running does seem to be they way she lives. Thanks for your insights and reaching out to care...I look forward to more sharings and insights as we all try to minister to one another in this often controversial but very REAL situation many folks are involved in.
THANKS...love and hugs and much appreciation.
Lynn

[Lynn Barry]

Well, six months after Star left we finally got a phone call. Of course it is from a "restricted" number so we can't call her, and she didn't say where she is living, but it was nice. She kept saying she was sorry for the way she left and she loves us.

[love4]

It's nice to hear "I LOVE YOU" and at the same time it is confusing. My daugther says those things too and yet doesn't feel any desire to spend much time with us.

I am happy you heard those words Lynn. We need to hear them. They offer some comfort. The only thing is that the words draw us in again and confuse us because their actions don't fall in line with the words. That is our life though isn't it Lynn?

[Lynn Barry]

You've got that right, Love4. I don't know her address or phone number so I can't even go see her or try to call her...but yes, the words, "I love you" gave me some peace. Thanks!

[djvj]

wow, this thread is so timely in my life

i am a bmom in reunion with my 23 yr old bdaughter. she is still living at home with aparents but it looks like she will be accepting a job in my city, several states away from aparent's city. i am doubled over with fear and guilt about how this may effect amom. she is an incredible woman who i love and respect. i want to do everything in my power to make sure she does not feel left out or excluded or replaced, as none of these are my intentions. she and bdaughter are very very close, and i am sure bdaughter will be aware and careful to let her know she is still her "mom", but i still want to do something, anything, to reassure amom.

in reading this thread it strikes me how similar an experience both mother's go through - the bmom in the beginning, the amom in the end. because i know what it is like to let go for bdaughter's sake and suffer that hole in my heart i am desperate to prevent amom from going through the same. from reading all these posts i can see i am helpless to stop her feelings of fear, pain and jealousy...it makes me sad. just as my bdaughter coming back into my life proves we never lose our children, amom will have to trust that she will always be bdaughter's "mom".

i want to respect bdaughter's independence but i also will encourage her to stay very connected to amom. i plan on making it a condition of helping bdaughter settle in my city that amom comes and is part of the process of finding a place, etc. this is all i can think of to do, besides letting amom know she is always welcome in my home...

this thread was really helpful to me. for all the suffering amoms out there i want you to know that as a bmom i have felt the same pain and i truly believe that the bonds we form, weather biological or through years of nurture, remain intact through the various stages of an adoptees life, even if it isn't always apparent....

[Lynn Barry]

djvj,
HALLELUIAH! I really needed to read your posting. It is so wonderful to feel like I am being understood by a birth mom and what you have shared gives me peace.

My daughter's relatives act like they could care less about my feelings...except for her half sister, she seems to try to be considerate...perhaps because my daughter was removed from the b-relatives care and not "given up" it has made a difference...at any rate...you are a gem and I am delighted to think about getting to know you and reading all about your experiences to come with your daughter moving there...oh...this forum has been such a wonderful place for me...meeting LOVE4, especially and now djvj and many others...LOVE4 and I have met in person and e-mailed for years...I don't know how I would have gotten through what I have gotten through without her...djvj...thank you thank you thank you...HUGS

[CJaneG]

I think this is why many of wait till our aparents are dead before we start to look. This makes it much less likely we will find our bmothers alive, but it seems the best way to some degree. It also gives us a measure of control about a situation in which we had no control at all, back when we lost our bmothers and were taken away.

Like many things, it will take time ... time for the amother to understand she has't lost her daughter, time for the daughter to understand it's okay to love two mothers, and time for the bmother to feel secure in her role in their daughter's life.

Mind you, most of us are impatient, aren't we?

Jane