[zxczxcasdasd]

Love4,

It's been a while. I just wanted to check in and see how things were going for you and your daughter. I hope that your relationship is healing. Let us know if you want. My heart is with you.

[love4]

Hi Heidi,
How nice of you to check in to see how I was doing! You are kind.
My daughter and I are healing. She used to be a taker and never a giver in our relationship. Recently she has been calling me just to say, "I love you." She has invited me to her home just for fun. She calls me back when I call and leave a message even if it is a couple days later. She is making great efforts. I gave her a book before Christmas called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and it has made a very deep impact on her life. It feels good to receive her love. I still struggle here and there. But she is slowly proving herself.
And how are you?

A warm thank you for caring. Sharon

[zxczxcasdasd]

It sounds suspiciously like there's been some serious personal growth with her. That's great news. It also sounds like she's gone from the young adult stage of taking family for granted and expecting love and generosity without giving any, to actually understanding that a family who loves you is a gift, and it's so much better when the love flows both ways. I think you may have reached the magical mother heaven of "being appreciated". And the best of all mother joys- a loving relationship with a healthly adult child.

I'm really happy for you. I hope things only get better from here.

[Lynn Barry]

It has been a while and you know how you react when you are upset and sad and disappointed and miserable and unhappy...and then sometimes you forget to share when things are going GREAT...well, after almost six years of disconnection and feelings of rejection, I am delighted and proud and thrilled to report that I spent the day with my daughter Star and her sons and boyfriend and you know what? I DO have a daughter. I DO feel like her mother...and she never forgot about the ones who raised her...halleluiah!
What have I learned? I learned it is important to support the need to reunite that might exist in the child you adopt. I learned that although painful, you must let them go to find their way...and then be ready to forgive all the hurt when (and if) the time is right come together again. I gave it all up long ago...but you know...it is nice that we were able to return to what I always wanted to have...A RELATIONSHIP.

Thanks for reading my posts about the pain I was going through and now I am ready to share again...now that I am in a much better place.

The greatest thanks to LOVE4 for years of e-mails after meeting on THIS site...we have been able to support and encourage and vent and even meet in person...this site helps...people who aren't involved in adoption, whether birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees don't really get it like those of us who are IN it...we need each other.

I am feeling fantastic...finally.

[Lynard1210]

These are some heart-wrenching stories. I wonder if I will experience the same thing when my daughter gets to the teen years.

As an adoptee, I can tell you that a lot of the time I feel angry at "the system" but many times my a-mom gets the brunt of that anger. It's not her fault that my birth cert is sealed, that she had no information on my birth family, that everything was a secret, but there was nobody else to take the anger out on.

Adoptees feel powerless alot. And when you are at the age of forming an identity, you are CONVINCED your parents don't understand. You are even more CONVINCED that your adoptive parents don't get it.

As much as I enjoy my reunion with my birthmom, she is really not my "mom" - the "mom" that raised me is my "mom". No matter how much anger I spew at her, no matter how much I really don't like her some days and no matter how she can push my buttons, I love her and and she is my mom.

Trust me - I haven't been easy to love. I push people away alot. I would not, however, ever cut-off my mom. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced that.

[Lynn Barry]

Lynn,

I read your reply here and smiled and smiled.
You know what it is like to be adopted and you can be there for the child you adopted.
I went to your myspace and looked at the pics. How wonderful.
My daughter and I are connecting and it is wonderful. I finally realized that she loved me all along, and was busy discovering and finding out who she is via who put her on the earth.
I am not insecure any more.
Thanks for sharing and I hope to continue the dialogue, if you are willing.
HUGS,
(another)Lynn

[Lynard1210]

Thanks for the reply, Lynn. Please feel free to drop me a private message here or on My Space anytime.

I figured she loved you all along . . . i think it's hard for adoptive parents to realize that the love is still there even when it doesn't feel like it is. I feel the same way with my step-daughter. I never had that sense of entitlement to her love and never really believed it was true. (she is my daughter's b-mom). Two years ago she sent us a letter saying she wanted nothing to do with her dad and I. It was pretty devastating. We still have no contact . . . .we know how it feels and it stinks. My husband is her bio dad but she grew up with divided loyalties and was never given permission to "love" both families (her parents divorced when she was 2). I'm hoping by the time she is 30 she will figure out that we love her and that she is welcome back into our daughter's life.

[Lynn Barry]

Family relations can be completed no matter how people are connected. Thanks for sharing your situation. I find the difference is the bio. connection and the gene connection and all that jazz. It was hard for me not to feel insecure about that when it appeared Star wanted to only spend time with bio. family and not adopted family. I now know that some of it was that she wanted to find herself and be independent. Some of that is normal for anyone, but gets fuzzy when no explanation is offered. Not knowing fosters fear, it seems.

As for your situation, does that mean that your adopted daughter is your granddaughter, as well? I am unclear. It reads that your stepdaughter is the b-mom of your daughter...so that must make it even harder to connect or more complicated but bravo to you for what you are doing. I had a friend in college who got pregnant and didn't know how she could have the baby and raise the baby and my hubby and I offered to adopt the baby or foster the baby until she could figure it all out, and it all sounded so romantic in 1972, but she could not tell her parents about being pregnant, so she had an abortion. I wondered through the years if that "romantic" helping hand I held out would have gotten very messy later on, but I will never know...My niece learned that the baby she waited to adopt was born yesterday. She has three bio. daughters and now will have an adopted son. I have three bio. sons and one adopted daughter. My other niece adopted three sons and then had a bio. son. Families...fascinating. My son married a gal who is older than he is and she had two daughters by a first marriage. My son has had two daughters with her since and they are all my granddaughters, I feel no different, except that gene factor, the thing that pops up to show you where you got that talent or eye color from, things like that.

Great connecting with you, Lynn.

[love4]

[quote=Lynard1210]




As much as I enjoy my reunion with my birthmom, she is really not my "mom" - the "mom" that raised me is my "mom". No matter how much anger I spew at her, no matter how much I really don't like her some days and no matter how she can push my buttons, I love her and and she is my mom.



This sounds very much like my daughter. It leaves me feeling emotionally drained at times.

[Lynn Barry]

After all this time I am so excited to report that my daughter Star called me about 5 weeks ago and wanted to relocate back in the area so she and her sons loved with us for a month and now they are about a mile away and I have the daughter I always wanted but didn't know I had...the struggles after she reunited with birth relatives and our years of disconnection are over. I am so pleased to report that my heart is healed and the pieces are all in the puzzle and life is good.

thanks to this site I found support and encouragement and peace of mind when I was at my lowest.
Adoptees need to reunite if they indeed feel they need to reunite...and adoptive parents need understanding and support and compassion too when they are feeling rejected.

[kelceesmom]

That is wonderful news for you. Congratulations.

[Lynn Barry]

I often didn't think this was possible and was trying to get used to the idea that i would never have a close relationship with my daughter I raised from five years old on...and now...POOF! The lesson is to NEVER GIVE UP...be realistic, some things don't turn out the way you hope, but be open to all possibilities! HUGS

[kune]

Lynn
Nice to see you and Love4 back on the forums. You were missed. There was something about your connections (or disconnections) that made your posts all the more poigant so your update is very welcome.

I know personally I want everything that reunion can bring, but not at the expense of the other family. Their role to me is paramount - they allowed me to grow up and be the person I am, and stepped up and became the centre of my bsons universe when he needed love and attention. Most importantly, they didn't try to change him - they let him be his own person. Now we all reap the rewards.

One thing that stood out to me from your post.

I am so pleased to report that my heart is healed and the pieces are all in the puzzle and life is good.

It is the same for me - a birthmother. Without being part of my sons younger life, I entered reunion with fear and excitement. It's taken 6 years but now I have no reservations about whether we will endure - I know this will last a lifetime. Someone said to me at the beginning that fears and reservations are mirrored within the triad. What I was fearing, chances are the other sides were fearing too.

Love and Peace to you and your family - Good to see you here.

Ann

[Lynn Barry]

Thank you Ann...I am glad to be back too.
I met LOVE4 at this site and we have e-mailed each other almost daily since and even traveled to meet each other.
Together we can all make a difference as we try to understand and heal and grow and care...
HUGS

[Lynard1210]

Hi Lynn. We meet again . . . i want you to know how happy i am for you that your daughter came home . . . and hopefully discovered in the process that you are her home . . .i fear one day i may also experience the adventure you have when my daughter wants to one day go seeking. I hope I can hang in there with dignity like you did . . . .

Hugs