[love4]

You are definitely not alone. I have been and am still on your path. It is a hard journey. You have my understanding and support. There are many other adoptive mom's out there going through the same agony but will not post. For me, it has helped me to see all sides. Hugs.

[love4]

To survive I had to let go. Let go of any expectations. Any hopes and dreams I had for my daughter and I. I cried a lot. She wanted nothing to do with us.

My daughter was angry at the confusion of adoption. She took it all out on me. When she was 14 she thought I stole her. The anger at me was intense and it was painful for me to be so rejected. I felt such empathy and also very helpless to help her. She went through counseling. It helped somewhat. Love sometimes is just not enough.

Things are better but the pain of rejection still lingers. She is beginning to see a clearer picture. She knows where she belongs now and is coming to a place of peace. I am here for her always. Hard.......very hard. Not many understand.

[kakuehl]

Love 4, I'm a birthmom but I hear your pain. I would have been very upset if D rejected his aparents. Adoption is not an "as long as I feel like it" or only till the "real" (and who are they if not the aparents?) parents come back into the child's life. I'm happy D wishes me to be part of his life - I truly feel an incredible connection to him -- but it's not the same relationship he's had with the parents who raised him.

[love4]

Hi Kathy,
Thanks. I know you understand. We have talked before and I appreciate your kindness. I also understand you as a birthmom having the desire to have a relationship with your birthson.
What you said about "adoption is not until the REAL parents come back into their child's life" is how I felt many times. When my daughter met her birthmom I certainly felt like I was a good babysitter until..................! I had a hard time finding my place.
My daughter and her birthmom have a great relationship and I am jealous. Our relationship was bittersweet. She loved me and hated me all at the same time. What she has been looking for is found. I feel so left out in the cold sometimes.
She calls me more often and the other day she called just to say "I Love You." I needed sooooo much to hear that. Things are better.

[mom2shan]

To all on "struggles with reunion" - I am gaining so much insight, inspiration and hope from you - adoptees, birth moms and adoptive moms. Rather than just dwelling on my own perspective and my misery as a result of being separated from my daughter I am able to see other sides. I would like to be able to go back to the fantasy of our old relationship as mother and daughter where it was only the two of us. That is not reality. Reading your posts helps me to see that that is probably pretty selfish. My daughter has probably lived with agonies that I can't even begin to imagine for a long time now. She is now rejoicing in her new identity. I understand this on an intellectual level and I pray that God will help me to accept it on a personal level. I think that I have no control over this and that I have to let go. I will continue to love her and she knows that. She told her birth mom "My mom will love me no matter what I do". She also knows that I will always be here whenever she wants me. I anxiously await that day and will live every day with the hope that tomorrow will be that day. This situation reminds me of the struggles with infertility. I tried for so many years to get pregnant and went through so much treatment, operations, pain - physical, emotional, spiritual. When I finally gave up on the dream to get pregnant and seriously looked at adoption it happened very quickly. If you knew my whole story you would know it was a miracle and that God's hand was in it all along the way. I will always be grateful for having been Sh's mom. It is and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Thank you all for your wisdom, experience and support.

[love4]

Letting go was what was needed for me to survive and it was needed for my daughter to help her work through her confusing thoughts of where did she belong. Letting go didn't come easy. I had to be dragged there! When I did all I knew to do I finally let go and rested. It was the best thing I ever did. It brought peace. There were no more expectations. My old dreams were shattered but peace became mine. I can't say I have arrived because the pain still lingers. But healing is my journey now. I am not stuck in despair and agony.

I never thought I would have my daughter back again. I thought she found her place, but little by little she lets me know she loves me and not only did she say it, she picks up the phone now when I call! She knows I love her!

[mom2shan]

love4 - your story is encouraging and I am so happy for you that it makes me smile as I read your posts. Our stories are so similar that it could be me writing those posts. The parts about not answering when I call. She only has a cell phone which I pay for and she can see who is calling. People with biological children who I tell about this say "Cut her off". Don't pay for that phone, her car, her car insurance, her college tuition etc. But she is my daughter. I will not "cut her off" just because I don't like how she is treating me right now. I think that she has to know that I support her 100% in every way possible. I try to be there for her no matter what. If she slaps me (figurative), then I turn the other cheek. It is what God told us to do. It hurts but I hope that some day she will see that I was always here to help her in any way I can. Some people say just "cut her off" in any way (monetary, emotional - not love - just sympathy, empathy for her everyday problems, rescue - for problems she gets herself into, etc.). They say that this will let her see and appreciate how much I do for her and how much I love her. Somehow this just doesn't seem right to me. It is something a loving mother should not do. My belief is that we should be a rock that is always there. But even a rock can break and can only take so much pressure. There are people who recommend tough love but it doesn't feel right to me. This is not about drugs, smoking, alcohol or illegal behaviors. I think it is something I have to live through and learn to let go of as you said. It is very hard for me. I am a "fixer". No matter how hard I try I just cannot "fix" this right now. Our stories will always be different from our friends who only have biological children. So too, will our children's stories be different from their friends who had biological parents. They have dealt with this from very early on, even when they were not very well-equipped to handle it in the early years in school when family tree assignments were handed out, etc. Or, when a friend would say "but she's not your "real" mother". My pain at hearing that was agonizing. My response was to go over to that little girl and say "here, pinch me - see if you think I'm real". I also told her that we brought Sh home from the hospital just like her parents did. But what thoughts went through my daughter's head at times like this? Oh well, it will always be different. It is what we entered into in the beginning. We just didn't know it at the time. I know I will continue down this path. I have no other choice. I will be dragged there as well. I hope and pray that there is a rainbow or even just light at the end. You may not be at the rainbow yet but I think you can see the light at least. I am very happy for you both. I hope God brings you both peace and happiness this Christmas. If you are not a Christian I wish the same for you in whatever your faith is. For me I ask for patience and courage to continue to walk this painful journey. For my daughter it is as it has always been and always will be - a prayer for peace, happiness, safety and health. Merry Christmas to all. May God bless us all with the peace and happiness he gave to us all many years ago. No matter what that was the greatest gift of my life.

[love4]

mom2shan,
I am a Christian and He is what really helped me survive. People also thought I should cut my daughter off. At times I wanted to cut my daughter off just because the pain was at times unbearable, and yet a still small voice kept giving me strength to keep my doors open. Sometimes I was angry at that strength because it lead me on an emotional roller coaster ride. Up and down my emotions went. I learned to let go of anger, sadness, guilt, etc. and learned to embrace unconditional love, patience and acceptance of what is. I felt hopeless at times and then my hope would sore as I learned to embrace a new way. I did things I couldn't imagine I would ever be able to do. My second daughter does not know how I have done it. I do! Actually we do have a choice. We can embrace and accept what we cannot change or live in misery, anger and depression. I chose the first even though it was hard and very strange to me.

You can send me a private message if you would like support in your journey. I sent you a pm mom2shan.
Take Care

[mom2shan]

Originally Posted by love4

mom2shan,
I am a Christian and He is what really helped me survive. People also thought I should cut my daughter off. At times I wanted to cut my daughter off just because the pain was at times unbearable, and yet a still small voice kept giving me strength to keep my doors open. Sometimes I was angry at that strength because it lead me on an emotional roller coaster ride. Up and down my emotions went. I learned to let go of anger, sadness, guilt, etc. and learned to embrace unconditional love, patience and acceptance of what is. I felt hopeless at times and then my hope would sore as I learned to embrace a new way. I did things I couldn't imagine I would ever be able to do. My second daughter does not know how I have done it. I do! Actually we do have a choice. We can embrace and accept what we cannot change or live in misery, anger and depression. I chose the first even though it was hard and very strange to me.

You can send me a private message if you would like support in your journey. I sent you a pm mom2shan.
Take Care

You are an inspiration! You are making a difference. You are doing something so worthwhile and helpful by sharing your story with others who have felt so alone.

[mn125]

Hi,

I am an adoptee who has been reunited (unofficially- 10 yrs) and face to face for 5 yrs. I never told my adoptive parents about search/reunion because of the reaction I *would* have got from them. I've since missed my chance. They are both deceased now.

Would it have been easier on you if your children had not involved you with the reunion?

I have a couple of regrets now. #One, that I brought my husband and children into the secret keeping. I do feel badly that I put them into the middle of all this, and threatened them to keep my secrets from MIL / Granny.

#2- That I've forever missed my chance to stand up for myself with them. I feel like a coward at times- but deep down, I guess I absolutely feared and dreaded any rejection from my aparents. I wish I had been strong enough to tell them I was going to have my original family in my life, like it or not.

[love4]

mn125,
The title under your name says, "angry adoptee." Why are you angry?
It is obvious that you can't change what is done. You did what you thought was best at the time. Let it go at that. Take care of today. My cousin takes comfort in writing her deceased mom a letter telling her everything she wanted to tell her but didn't get the chance. There is something about writing things down that brings some healing. It helps me posting here.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by love4

Hi Kathy,
Thanks. I know you understand. We have talked before and I appreciate your kindness. I also understand you as a birthmom having the desire to have a relationship with your birthson.
What you said about "adoption is not until the REAL parents come back into their child's life" is how I felt many times. When my daughter met her birthmom I certainly felt like I was a good babysitter until..................! I had a hard time finding my place.
My daughter and her birthmom have a great relationship and I am jealous. Our relationship was bittersweet. She loved me and hated me all at the same time. What she has been looking for is found. I feel so left out in the cold sometimes.
She calls me more often and the other day she called just to say "I Love You." I needed sooooo much to hear that. Things are better.

Sometimes I think the mark of true parenthood is having a bittersweet relationship with your children... I felt that way about my own mother. (She said once, "When you're 50 and I'm 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do.") She would tell me how I should parent differently and then send me a Mother's Day Card telling me what a good mother I was (?!) The adoptee doesn't have that same relationship with the birthmom (at least at first!) There hasn't been that adolescent struggle for independence with birthmom. I know it doesn't feel like it, but I suspect that the fact that the adoptee can relate well to the birthparent is probably I sign that the adoptive parents have done a good job parenting.

You adoptive moms have done the hard, nitty gritty work of parenting. It saddens me when you feel rejected by your children. My prayer for all of you is that ultimately reunion enriches your lives.

[mom2shan]

Hi MN125 - It is hard to understand the anger you feel towards your adoptive parents from what you've said so far. You say that you never told them about your search but that you "knew" what they would say. My daughter often believes she knows what I would say or think. But, in reality, she does not. I think she also has anger that she was adopted and that right now she takes that out on us, her aparents. I think that there is an irrational side of her that thinks "if you didn't adopt me I would be like everyone else and be with my bparents" which would not have happened. It was simply not possible. She would just have been with another afamily. Maybe there is more to your story that I don't understand. Forty years is a very long time and I can definitely understand all the questions you've had for so long, but the 1960's were a very different time in the adoption world. Your aparents came from a different time and mindset. Even in 1988 there were many people who told us to never tell our daughter that she was adopted. We never agreed with them and we always told her all we knew which was quite a bit. She wanted to meet her birth mother since she was about 13 or 14 years old. We thought that she had too many emotional issues and were worried that that was too young and that she might not be ready. As problems grew and mushroomed we decided to help her with her reunion at 17 1/2. It has been very hard on us. Our love for her transcends any difficulty and pain we must endure. In this forum I learn every day from birth mothers, adoptees and other amoms. I wrote this post hoping that maybe my perspective as an amom might give you some insight as an adoptee. This is the great gift I have received from others on this forum. I pray that God brings us all peace, forgiveness and acceptance this Christmas season.

[mom2shan]

Kathy - you are very generous and very wise. You are so right in your observance that the struggle for independence doesn't exist between the birth mom and the adoptee. In my case (and it seems in others) the bmom and the adoptee have an almost girlfriends type relationship. I am jealous and envious of it. It is what I once had with my daughter. I have also compared it to the "divorced dad" type relationship where I would be the equivalent of the custodial mom who is a drag and has all the rules and responsibilities for helping my daughter to become a successful, mature woman and then she goes off to "weekend dad" and gets to do all the fun stuff. In my case, her bmom is very helpful and very supportive of us. She is my friend and I like her very much. I rely on her to help me get our daughter through these difficult years. She worries that in time our daughter will have issues with her as well but she is doing the tough thing of challenging her when necessary, which is very difficult for a mom in reunion only 1 year. I am grateful for her compassion and love. Any casual observer can see the selfless circle of love that surrounds our daughter - bfamily and afamily. Merry Christmas and thank you for your compassion and generosity.

[love4]

I too am jealous of the relationship between my daughter and her birthmom. It is like a girlfriend relationship. It hurts to even type it.

I too like her birthmom and we get along great.

Things are better but I can see down the road if my daughter gets married I will have another struggle to deal with. So much has been taken from me. That hurts.