[tammra]

I am in need of the advice of adoptive parents.

I am a birthmom, please don't let that scare you! I am in a situation now and seek advice on how to and even if I should approach the adoptive parents.

The adoption was a semi-open adoption. I was able to meet the parents, they sent a few letters through the adoption agency to me but that was it.

They did not want to keep in touch because they adopted a little girl before they adopted my son and they did not keep in contact with her biological mother so they said it would be unfair to her if they kept in touch with me. They did not want her to feel that her birthmom did not love her.

The adoptive parents knew that I struggled a great deal with and after the adoption but they have no idea why.

My son was 8 months old when the papers were signed. I raised him for six months. I was only 16 at the time. Anyhow, my father called the adoption agency and told me that I had to this or I would not amount to anything blah blah blah!

He took me to ever meeting with the adoption agency and even to court when I sign my parental rights away. He made it clear that I knew what would happen if I did not follow through.

Let me back up though. When I was going to the adoption agency for counceling, I did call them and tell them that I could NOT go through with this! My dad found out and beat me up very badly. He stood over me and told me that I had to call them back and tell them that I would finish things.

The bottom line is this, I loved and still love my son so very much! My father is now in prison for 40 years, yes! I finally stood up to him. He is there for incest and hiring a hit man to kill me.

About 1 1/2 years ago, I contacted the adoption agency to find out if I could send a letter to the adoptive parents and they said they would forward it. I never heard back from them. And I wonder if they ever received the letter in the first place.

Through the years I have searched and searched for my son. This past March I found him. I found out his name, location, phone number ect. I was thrilled!!!

I have done nothing with this information. The problem is, my son turned 15 this year. His adoptive sister has turned 18.

I do NOT want to interfer in their lives. He is in Wisconsin and I am in Texas. But I have been going back and forth how to handle the situation. I have some people saying that I should contact the adoptive parents by certified mail letting them know that I have not forgot about him, that I love him very much and to let them know that I am available should he have any questions.

I have also just found out that I have a growth in my uterus and I am still undergoing testing but the doctors know for sure that I will require surgery. They are trying to find out if it has spread to other organs.

I know that I am not supposed to contact him until he is 18. I don't have a problem with that. I want him to be a kid and not worry. But is it wrong for me to contact his adoptive parents? How do I handle the situation?

I also want them to know that he has 7 other brothers and sisters that ask about him often. He also has 6 brothers and sister from his biological father. So a total of 13 brothers and sisters.

Any help or insight and advice or suggestions would be so helpful!

Thanks so much!

[blessedbybug]

Wow... I am so sorry you went through all this Tammra. Just so sorry you have had to endure not the abuse of your father but the loss of your son as well.

I will speak strictly from my point of view as an adoptive parent. If it were me, I would want you to contact me first but would welcome it. Alot of feelings can change in 15 years. But since there wasn't really an agreement of openness in the beginning, I think it would be a sign of respect for the adoptive family of your child to contact them first. I wish you well and hope you are soon able to have contact with your son.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I would definately contact the a-parents first. The perception of adoption has changed so much over the last few years that maybe they would be more responsive now than they were then. It is hard telling, but I would definately respect their role as parents by contacting them first. Certified mail is a good idea too. Maybe they will feel obligated in some way to at the very least reapond to you.

I am so very sorry for what you have endured in your life...I hope things work out for you.

[mj77]

First off, I'm so sorry for what you endured. I am so proud of you for your bravery; that you dad is behind bars for what he did!

For some aparents, it's difficult to know how to respond to a letter by a bparent. Definately keep contact through the aparents right now. It might be that their dd is growing up and moving on and their son is almost there. The thought of him leaving the home and potentially "loosing" him might be scary if they're insecure people. So direct the letter to them and keep it professional rather than emotional. I'm sorry you are in this position. I hope they will have a change of heart and lighten up.

[Singlemom619]

I'm an adoptive mom... I have contact via email, text messages, and occassional phone calls with Bmom but my son doesn't want to talk to her. I make him write a letter once in awhile but he says he feels like she's his aunt or something... She has sent him 2 cards that I gave him and read with him (I didn't read them before he did).

ANYWAY - If I were on the other end of your situation - i personally wouldn't be upset if Bmom sent ME a letter telling me what was going on. At the very least I would write back and say something... BUT that's me - and I realize I'm different than some other adoptive parents. Even if I decided not to tell my son at that point I would still respond to the Bmom.

BUT I think i'd be upset if the son found out and i didn't want him to just yet... SO don't put your NAME on the envelope - that way if he gets the mail he won't see it and Amom gets mad at YOU. Tell her you're sorry to bother her, you tried waiting, blah blah blah....

ps. I wonder if you "admit" that you were going to wait till he was 18 would upset her - like you were going to contact him no matter what she thought - so maybe word that differently.

good luck.

[patti Daniels]

I would contact the afamily and explain your situation. I hope they will allow you to see your son. My prayers are with you and your family.