[josh1788smom]

I am a birthmom of a son turning 18 very soon. To be as educated as I can be, I have been all over the forums on this site. When I went into Adoptive Parents I wanted to have an understanding of how they feel. First I should say, my situation is not typical. I have negative feelings about my situation but not necassarily about adoption in general. I was 17 at the time my son was born and this was anything but frowned upon by both my boyfriend, his mother, and my parents. When my grandparents found out I was pregnant, they decided to talk to a infertile nephew and his wife and thought the perfect solution was for them to adopt my son. Of course everyone had their own ideas for this. My parents thought it was great - they thought they'd be spared the humiliation in our home town, but could go visit their "grandchild" when they wanted. My grandparents thought they'd go see the baby whenever they wanted, and the adoptive parents thought - we are getting a family. No one cared of my thoughts or feelings. I had my son for 5 weeks - I called and told them I was parenting - asked them to be Godparents. They told me no. They told me they wanted to be parents. Five weeks later, when I was tired and just needed a break, my dad made me call them to come get him. I was hysterical. They still came. I kept him in my room. My dad came up and said if I did not bring him down, he would take him to them - I was being selfish. I took him in hysterics and continued in hysterics. They could not wait to get out the door with my child. I had no counseling Legal or otherwise - only the father's mom callling me to tell me how I had to be strong this was what was best for him - and my mom telling me how it was God's will. Adoption papers came - I refused to sign. Two weeks later, my dad told me I had to - I was told the papers expired on my 18th birthday (3 weeks later). I signed (forced by my dad who took them and had my signature notarized) and figured after I turn 18 I will get him back. I turned 18 - got another set of papers which I did not sign. My boyfriend would not sign his because his mom said that would be acknowledging paternity and if I got him back, he would be financially responsible. So I told my parents I would not sign if he did not. That appeased them. Then I called the atty. for my dad's cousin and told him I wanted my son back. Nothing. Then I told my parents. My dad said I better get an atty. I did - we contested the adoption - boom - Lost. I did not appeal because I was so depressed and tired and done with having my family continue to hurt me. Tons of family members showed up at the adoption hearing to show their support for them.

Anyhow - my son is almost 18 and I still very much think of him as my son. I have to work through the negative I feel for them, but I very much want a relationship with him - not them. Sorry for the length, but I wanted to throw the background out there. (Plus it helps to tell the story - It's been holed up a long time)

I am surprised adoptive parents are not willing to share the child they raised with others. I have 3 beautiful with my husband and I feel blessed God has given them to me - but I also feel blessed to have nephews, nieces, Godchildren, etc. Why does it have to be a possesive thing? Why can't everyone share in the beauty of these people? If you read birthparent support - not all birthparents chose to not parent. And on the one thread I read, if the birthmom was 15 and the dad was 16 - there was clearly no choices there.

Second thought - why are there so few new posts on adoptive parents support? Are adoptive parents generally less grieving than birthparents and adoptees?

[love4]

I am so sorry to hear your story. I can very well understand your pain. You had a beautiful baby and he was ripped from your arms. It is a terrible thing to happen. It was very wrong. I am an adoptive mom of 4 girls. I think it is very wrong for someone to force a mother to give her child up for adoption. I did not want to be a mother at the expense of another's pain. And yet that is what happen.

I feel the same thing happened to me. A child was placed in my arms. I was told she was my daughter. I was told never to say she was my adopted daughter because that would hurt her. She was my girl forever. She became a part of my family tree. I raised her with my values and gave her a big piece of myself. One day I get a call. Her birthmom wants her back in her life. My life was just ripped from me. I felt threatened, invaded upon, helpless, abandoned and unloved because my daughter decided to walk out on everything we gave her to live with her birthfamily. She was mine and yet I knew she came from another. My feelings were not suppose to matter. I was to step back and let another family take my place. It killed me. It is a whole different thing than having a niece, a nephew, grandchildren as you state. She was my daughter. I had to let go of my daughter to let another in just as you did. You still suffer anguish. A special piece of yourself was ripped forcefully and you had no control. Same with me. A foster mom who has a child a couple months suffers grief over a child that leaves there home. I had my daughter for 28 years and now she is very much with her birthfamily. Thankfully she is making her way back to our family. I really like her birthmom and dad and we get along but they have been a great invasion in my life that I had to learn to deal with. It has been a long journey if you read many of my posts. A very hard thing just as it was and is for you. Not my blood but certainly my girl.

There are many adoptive mom's in my situation but will not post for fear of replys. Our emotions do not matter to many. We are not supposed to have any but I do. I respect all members of the triad and I validate their feelings but I have some too.

[love4]

Do you see your niece's and nephews the same way you see your children? Do you have that same kind of bond with them as your children? I don't. I have many biological neices and nephews and I have 4 adopted girls. My girls hold a special place in my heart. I love my nieces and nephews but my girls hold a higher place. A much higher place. They are much more a part of me than they. They are my family. They come first.

[josh1788smom]

Thank you for your kind words. I feel awful for your pain as well.

I truly believe in a perfect world, people that want and can raise kids would have them when they were able to raise them, people that don't want kids, would never have them, and there would be plenty of homes to take the kids all over the world that have been blessed by wonderful adoptions. I guess, we don't get a perfect world; it would be nice though.

I was kind of just meaning - we all get to be blessed with these wonderful little people in our lives, why do we have to be possessive of them - or label us or them. Why do we have to become birthmothers, adoptive mothers, etc. Why can't we all just be people that love our little people? (even when our little people are big)

You make sense - I guess people don't think about the feelings of the adoptive mother. She is kind of painted as the lucky, envied one - the one with the family and the abilities to raise the baby. That's why I came here to try to be educated all about the triad. I don't really care for my son's amom but that is because of the many complicated layers to my story. However, I do not want to make him question his whole existence with his family. So, I just let a lot of my hostilities out here - better here than to him.

I am glad you daughter is making her way back to you. She may have felt like this time with them was something she had to do. You know how we all test our parents because we know they'll be there.

[love4]

I so wish things could be easy for all of us. I hear your story and I feel so sad for you and yet I have my story and I am sad. I hear adoptees stories and it hurts my heart. But we can't change what is. We all may have had a rough road but we have today. I am accepting what I can't change and letting go of my painful emotions so I can move on in freedom.

It hasn't been an easy road for me either. My oldest struggled with adoption issues since she was 8. She was angry. She went through a period of being very angry at me cause she thought I stole her. She had many feelings of abandonment and fantasy. She made it rough on our family but we stood by her and loved her. I felt bad and helpless. She thought I was mom and that I should fix it. I was very blessed to be a mom but it didn't come easy. I still feel blessed and always will. Thankful...........very thankful. Hugs to you!!

[msdesi]

I'm a birthmom, not adoptive but I've made the observation that it may be difficult to share because everybody in the triad might be scared if they share a little, they lose all.

You know because we talk before that one of my own Aunts was forced to place her child at birth and they've reunited. Well you know I'm very happy for my Aunt that she's so close with her daughter, but I'm sometimes feeling bad for the adoptive parents too because they've been cut out of the triad 100%. They don't even know they're not just adoptive parents but adoptive grandparents now too. My cousin also changed her first name to the one my Aunt said she would've given her and her last name she changed to our family name.

I think part of the reason it became "all or nothing" is honestly I think my cousin felt guilty after my Aunt told her the horrible story of how she had been forced to give her up. Then my cousin promised "Mom you'll never lose me again" and she's not contacting to her adoptive parents for years already. She is not wanting to share her loyalty because I think she's scared to hurt her birthmom. I told her one time that I think they (adoptive parents) are very worried and it's ok to at least write and tell them everything is ok. She said no.

My Aunt of course, doesn't want to share because she still feels the pain and is making up for lost time.

Adoptive parents maybe sometimes don't want to share because perhaps they're fearing exactly what I described above.

I think lots of possessive feelings comes back to fear.

[love4]

msdesi,
My daughter did walk out on us for similar reasons as you describe. Just reading your post brings very sad emotions. It also makes me very angry. In those cases I wonder why anyone would want to adopt. I didn't adopt to be a babysitter. How sad for these adoptive parents. Thankfully my daugther is slowly coming back to us but she brought a lot of pain and agony to her family. So much damage has been done.

I am very sorry for birthmom's who were forced to place their children for adoption. That just isn't right either IMO.
But how do you throw away a family who gave you everything?

I can't imagine hurting anyone that badly especially when they loved and cared for me.

[msdesi]

Originally Posted by love4

msdesi,
My daughter did walk out on us for similar reasons as you describe. Just reading your post brings very sad emotions. It also makes me very angry. In those cases I wonder why anyone would want to adopt. I didn't adopt to be a babysitter. How sad for these adoptive parents. Thankfully my daugther is slowly coming back to us but she brought a lot of pain and agony to her family. So much damage has been done.

I am very sorry for birthmom's who were forced to place their children for adoption. That just isn't right either IMO.
But how do you throw away a family who gave you everything?

I can't imagine hurting anyone that badly especially when they loved and cared for me.

I know...so much pain. I'm trying to put into words here my thoughts...sorry if I seem to digress but I promise I'm coming to a point in favor of both sides. In my Aunt's case, she's not concerning for adoptive parents. All the time she's saying "They had the first 18 years." Maybe adoptive parents are saying "Yes but we did not adopt for babysitting." Ok. Fine if adoptive and birthparent can't see eye to eye, but I think the important thing is to put that aside and think about the grown child. I'm thinking my cousin would reach out to her adoptive parents if relieved of the fear that her birthmom would go crazy with hurt. Which she would. Especially now with the birth of a grandchild. I think it's being demonstrated that asking grown children to choose one side is not a good idea. Yes, of course I'm happy my Aunt and daughter found eachother, and also sad that their relationship came at such an expense. I'm hoping one day I too can have a relationship with my daughter if she wants one, but it's too late to changing that another couple raised her as their own just as it's no changing that I gave birth. I struggle with what are the right words I should use if she seeks me out and asks the inevitable "Why" because although I did feel coerced to place, I do not want to bring the burden of guilt. Yet I would also want her to know that it was not because I didn't want her. How to answer this? I know I would never want her to turn away from a family that loved her and cared for her, out of a sense of duty to her birthright.

Does this make any sense?

I'm sorry for so much pain in your family.

[love4]

msdesi,
I understand what you are saying. Even though I feared what would happen in a reunion and even though my daugther walked out on us I still have a sense of compassion for her birthfamily. I met them and I like them a lot. We have spent time together and enjoy each others company. Even though I don't want this and I don't want to share, I realize that I can't control this situation and I have to accept what is. I am certainly happy for her birthmom to finally see her daughter. I am happy that my daughter was able to put fantasy to rest but I am not happy at the pain that it has caused us. I have stood by my daughter, loved her, accepted her birthparents in our lives but it certainly isn't easy. All my hopes and dreams are gone. There is a new way now. A new life. One with all members in the picture. It's easier than it was but my life has been turned upside down. My daughter once told me that I had her for 28 years and now it is their turn. That is just hurtful to me. I am suppose to step aside and my feelings mean nothing. I feel my daughter was forced out of my arms and what hurts more is that she willingly went. Not a glance back. I understand her struggles and the struggles and pain of her birthmom but where does that leave a family who made sure she was loved and cared for. Who stood by her through all her anger. I committed my life to her and someone came and said, "I'm back. Thanks for everything you did." I too, didn't have a choice. A child/adult was taken from me. I am sorry for ALL of us. I don't know how to fix it other than each of us accepting what is and making a new way where we are all at peace.

[patti Daniels]

Your story is so sad. I am an aparent. I thank God my daughter does have a relationship with her bmom. The bmom did have a choice. She was 18 and decided to place the baby up for adoption. She did not tell anyone she was pregnant. She was away from home at college. In fact she kept the pregnancy a secret. She was in control. I thank God it was her choice. Bmom should never be forced to give their children away. I know there are situations when bmoms are abusive or neglectful and the children do need to be removed. I am so sorry this happened to you. Are you angry with your parents at this time in your life?

[kakuehl]

This is a very difficult subject for all of us I think. As i read through this thread, I thought about my own situation. D was almost 33 when we "reunited." I know that my "entrance" into D's life has been difficult for his mom. Love 4 you have given me something to think about. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not trying to compete with S. I don't want her place as his mother. She is the woman who raised him: I honor and celebrate that. D and I have a connection that I don't deny; it is for me a joy to discover who he is and build a relationship with him and his family. I do not want to make his mother uncomfortable or take her place. It is tricky to maneuver through this quagmire! Luckily neither D or I say or feel - S had him for 33 years and it's my turn now. It's never easy is it?

Blessings,
Kathy

[love4]

I have soooo many emotions. I am happy for my daughter and her birthmom but also sad they reunited because I feel it minimizes me. It makes me feel small and worthless in the eyes of her birthmom and my daughter. I kept her daughter safe until they could meet again. Their joy is my sorrow......everything has come full circle.....My joy was once her birthmom's sorrow. We are really all connected. One unit.

I know I am not worthless and that is why I am here expressing my thoughts. We all have worth.

[manni28]

Originally Posted by love4

I have soooo many emotions. I am happy for my daughter and her birthmom but also sad they reunited because I feel it minimizes me. It makes me feel small and worthless in the eyes of her birthmom and my daughter. I kept her daughter safe until they could meet again. Their joy is my sorrow......everything has come full circle.....My joy was once her birthmom's sorrow. We are really all connected. One unit.

I know I am not worthless and that is why I am here expressing my thoughts. We all have worth.

Love:
You'll be ok, and your daughter will see the "light" soon.Trust me

-Manni28

[kakuehl]

[quote=love4]I have soooo many emotions. I am happy for my daughter and her birthmom but also sad they reunited because I feel it minimizes me. It makes me feel small and worthless in the eyes of her birthmom and my daughter. I kept her daughter safe until they could meet again. Their joy is my sorrow......everything has come full circle.....My joy was once her birthmom's sorrow. We are really all connected. One unit.

I know I am not worthless and that is why I am here expressing my thoughts. We all have worth.[/quote]

love4, your feelings sadden me so. I truly hope D's mom does not feel that way because for me my reunion with her son in no way minimizes her or makes her worthless to me or her son. The way I see it, you have great value: first, because you are yourself, a person of worth; second, because you have apparently loved and raised a daughter capable of love. I understand love to be something that grows the more you share it! I am able to love all my children, not just one! I think my son loves both his mother and me but in different ways. You will always be the one who was there to pick up your daughter when she fell and kiss the skinned knee; to live through the terrible two's and the angst of the teen years. You are her mother... not just a substitute. In a different way, she's very connected to her birth mother... genetics is an interesting thing... whose eyes do I have, whose nose, teeth, etc. Whose personality? Right now she's on a journey of discovery, but she is still your child, connected to you as well as to her birth parents. One of the challenges of parenting adult children is being able to let them go. My experience is that sometimes the more we try to hold them tight, the more they withdraw from us. Just try to hang in there, and keep loving her!

Blessings,
Kathy

[msdesi]

Originally Posted by love4

msdesi,
I understand what you are saying. Even though I feared what would happen in a reunion and even though my daugther walked out on us I still have a sense of compassion for her birthfamily. I met them and I like them a lot. We have spent time together and enjoy each others company. Even though I don't want this and I don't want to share, I realize that I can't control this situation and I have to accept what is. I am certainly happy for her birthmom to finally see her daughter. I am happy that my daughter was able to put fantasy to rest but I am not happy at the pain that it has caused us. I have stood by my daughter, loved her, accepted her birthparents in our lives but it certainly isn't easy. All my hopes and dreams are gone. There is a new way now. A new life. One with all members in the picture. It's easier than it was but my life has been turned upside down. My daughter once told me that I had her for 28 years and now it is their turn. That is just hurtful to me. I am suppose to step aside and my feelings mean nothing. I feel my daughter was forced out of my arms and what hurts more is that she willingly went. Not a glance back. I understand her struggles and the struggles and pain of her birthmom but where does that leave a family who made sure she was loved and cared for. Who stood by her through all her anger. I committed my life to her and someone came and said, "I'm back. Thanks for everything you did." I too, didn't have a choice. A child/adult was taken from me. I am sorry for ALL of us. I don't know how to fix it other than each of us accepting what is and making a new way where we are all at peace.

Amazing the power the children have over the parents, isn't it? I think they don't even know it. It's ok to say it if you hate that your daughter needed her birthfamily. Although not in your shoes, I think I can understand. It hurts when you give all of yourself to someone and they turn their back as though it doesn't matter.

It's also amazing the power of genetics. I was trying to think how I would feel if my mom told me today that I'm adopted when I was a baby. Now I'm 31, and my whole life thinking my family is just my family...but if I was to find out I was adopted, I know I would be out there searching right away. I think I would have to know who I belonged to in the bloodline sense and it would go well beyond minor curiosity. I know I wouldn't feel less love for my family, but yes I admit I would look at them in a different way. I admit I would want to be wanted by my birthfamily. Who wouldn't? I think it's almost a validation in some cases.

I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm sorry again for all the pain in your family.