[whitsunday15]

Wow. I hope that my adoptive mother will eventually get to that place. She's at the very, very beginning of this learning process that you describe.

I imagine that just like our biological mothers feel guilt for not fighting harder, adoptive mother's feel guilt when they learn of the plight of those mothers. Is that a fair thought to have?

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

I am surprised adoptive parents are not willing to share the child they raised with others. I have 3 beautiful with my husband and I feel blessed God has given them to me - but I also feel blessed to have nephews, nieces, Godchildren, etc. Why does it have to be a possesive thing? Why can't everyone share in the beauty of these people? If you read birthparent support - not all birthparents chose to not parent. And on the one thread I read, if the birthmom was 15 and the dad was 16 - there was clearly no choices there.

I am an adoptee with two wonderful adoptive parents who support me 100%. My mom has spent many hours in the libary with me searching the birth book and has offered as much information that she could on my adoption.

We discussed adoptees searching the other day and she told me that when they adopted my brother and I from the home, they were told that no matter what my parents were to be open and honest about the adoption. They were also told that as we got older we probably would want to search for our birth parent and my parents should be supportive of that.

My parents have enough self confidence to know that no matter what they will always be my parents. I also told her of some of the horror stories I have heard about adoptees whose a-parents have been upset over the adoptee searching and she just could not believe it.

The first contact I had with my birth grandparents, I drove 40 miles to my mom's house just so she could be there during the first phone call. She was thrilled for me and so is my whole family. My uncle is estatic cause he has more geneology to add to the family tree he is working on.

Both my parents and I can not wait until the day we get to have a f2f with my grandparents. I hope this helps you understand that some adoptive parents do want and help their children search. Mine did and I am thankful for them everyday.

Angela

[manni28]

Whitsunday:

Did you have a happy upbringing? Were your aparents good parents? If so, why is it a problem now you're in reunion? I'm an adoptee to and to be honest, I don't get the "torn" feelings that I have read about. For me, MY parents are my parents and my bparents are my bparents-two different set of people; two different set of lives. I am close to forty years old and I am not confused about who is "mom and dad". Maybe it's me, but I don't "get it" I respect what you're going though but I don't get it?

[love4]

sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues.

My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other.

It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.

[kakuehl]

I think I've mentioned elsewhere in these threads that I dislike secrets these days. (I'm not including the things people tell me in a confidence as their pastor.) I was very uncomfortable after D and I had our first f2f and his parents didn't know. He wanted to wait to tell them and I let it be his decision. His dad kept emailing me that he thought D would want to meet me soon and I couldn't tell him we'd already met. Now they know so it's ok. D's dad invited me to preach at the church he serves (Did I mention that he's now the pastor of the congregation where I grew up?) My dad came for the second service and then we went out for lunch. Dad got to see many people he had known and to meet D's parents. He still hasn't met D. (In the brief bio of me in the newletter and bulletin we didn't mention our connection through D. As his dad said, very few of this congregation have even met D since he no longer lived at home when his dad was called to Waynesboro. I left the decision up to D's parents, but I must admit, I felt like I was keeping secrets again.)

Love4, I think D's mom S would really like her 3 to be close as well. At this point I think she's uncomfortable (and maybe hurt) that D's relationship with my 2 has developed so quickly. He's not very close to his sisters; apparently there's been some tension between the middle child (adopted) and the youngest (bio). I only know bits and pieces but it doesn't sound like family gatherings are much fun! It doesn't mean D doesn't love them (In fact, I suspect that they are like my 2 - my daughter criticizes her all she wants -- but that's herprerogative: she'll defend him to the death if anyone else tries it!) I have to add that my daughter live about 20 minutes from D (and son J spends lots of weekends with her); D's sisters live in south Carolina and New Jersey.

D's dad is very optimistic and thinks all will work out well as we continue to get to know one another better. I pray that he is right. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of pain for D's mom.

Blessngs on all,
Kathy

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by love4

sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues.

My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other.

It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.

DON'T BE SORRY. You are who you are. (And that's a good thing!) I have spent much of my life trying to be the perfect daughter... that didn't work either, obiviously! Much as I've wanted to be the perfect mother, I've failed miserably. (Just ask the son I raised!!! I keep hoping he'll soon reach the place we're he thinks we didn't do such a bad job; but he's 30 and there are no signs yet, sigh!)

Those of us caught in the triad of adoption share similiarities, but we are not identical. Some of us are angry, some of us are not . Some of us are threatened by our children's relationships with the "other" mother, some are not... Some adoptees want to search others do not. The point is that this a place wher we can share what we feel with others in similar situations and can learn from one another. We can respect each other's opinnions and feelings even if we haven't experienced adoption in the same way.

Sometimes the trick is to know the difference between venting and attacking!

Blessings all,
Kathy

[love4]

D's dad is very optimistic and thinks all will work out well as we continue to get to know one another better. I pray that he is right. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of pain for D's mom.

Blessngs on all,
Kathy[/quote]



Your words bring comfort, Kathy. Thank you. I agree with D's dad. I think all will work out well as we continue to get to know each other better. I also pray that he is right. Thank you for caring for D's mom. I do care about you too! Hugs.

[kakuehl]

[quote=manni28]Whitsunday:

Did you have a happy upbringing? Were your aparents good parents? If so, why is it a problem now you're in reunion? I'm an adoptee to and to be honest, I don't get the "torn" feelings that I have read about. For me, MY parents are my parents and my bparents are my bparents-two different set of people; two different set of lives. I am close to forty years old and I am not confused about who is "mom and dad". Maybe it's me, but I don't "get it" I respect what you're going though but I don't get it?[/quote]

Sometimes it is hard to "get it" when others experiences are so different from our own. I personally find it difficult to understand birth/original/first parents who seem to believe that they can meet their child and immediately start "mothering" them. I don't believe that's my role in D's life. I gave birth to him and that for me binds him to me in a way that cannot be changed. I did not raise him, his mother did. I think there are bmoms who would like to pretend that the amom doesn't exist, just as there are amom's who believe the bmom should remain invisible forever. There are adoptees who can't wait to search and others who have no desire to do so. Again, we are unique, with different personalities, wants and desires. As I said before, how great that we all have each other!

Blessings,
Kathy

[manni28]

kakuehl:

As usual, beautiful words of wisdom.

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by manni28

Whitsunday:

Did you have a happy upbringing? Were your aparents good parents? If so, why is it a problem now you're in reunion? I'm an adoptee to and to be honest, I don't get the "torn" feelings that I have read about. For me, MY parents are my parents and my bparents are my bparents-two different set of people; two different set of lives. I am close to forty years old and I am not confused about who is "mom and dad". Maybe it's me, but I don't "get it" I respect what you're going though but I don't get it?

I think Kakuehl said it best that we each experience things differently, and therefore our viewpoints are so different. I could go on and on about my upbringing, but I'd be writing a book. There are so many variables that go into play.

I am not torn between my parents, nor am I confused. I view my adoptive parents as guardians. Like distant relatives. That's how I have always felt my entire life. Kind of like my aunt and uncle were raising me in my mom and dad's absence. But, as I was growing up, I felt that I was being forced to call 2 others mom and dad, who were not my mom and dad, just because they signed a piece of paper. I greatly resented that. Now that I am an adult, I don't have to live with those thoughts suppressed. So I don't.

I guess that is a unique viewpoint of an adoption experience. At least it seems to be on this forum.

[kakuehl]

I don't know that it is a unique adoption experience... I've read others' threads with similar feelings (unless they're really all you! LOL ) It is however an experience that saddens me for all persons involved... the adoptee who grew up feeling distanced from the family; the adoptive family who truly (I assume) believed that they were creating a family; and the birth mother who wanted all the best for her child. (And yes, I know I'm speaking as an idealist and reality is rarely ideal!) Sigh...

Blessings,
Kathy

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by love4

sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues.

My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other.

It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.

love4,
I did not mean if my words to upset you. I was orginally trying to give the op a different view point.
Kathy is right, there is no need to be sorry. Your situation is totally different than mine. I personally have no plans to run out and live with any of my birth family. I am pretty sure if I did my mom would be very upset and hurt with me.

Nobody is the perfect mom and kids are going to do what kids do. Let's take my brother for instance. He is 36 years old and still at home with Mom and Dad. (Luckily for them right now he is working out of state.) He has very violent outbursts at times, he hates us half the time (due to adoption issues), my parents have bent over backwards to get him back on his feet and he is still an ungrateful person (that is the nicest thing I could think of).

We were both raised by the same loving parent and we each turned out differently. So IMO it is not the parents fault, it is the child who chooses their own path. I didn't want my words to sound harsh to you and I am sorrry if they did.

[love4]

Sniffles,
no need to apologize. I understand what you are saying. Your brother sounds similar to my daughter. She has struggled since she was small and made life difficult for all of us. I am a sensitive person to begin with and my daughter just shattered my self confidence. Thankfully I chose to not let her destroy me and sometimes she tried, not really meaning to but trying to make the agonizing emotions she had go away. I know she hurt sooo much and still does. She is trying very hard to let go of hurtful emotions and accepting how things turned out for her. She is working at restoring what has been destroyed in our family and I truly appreciate her efforts. I know she doesn't want to struggle but she does. She has me still by her side always with open arms. Sometimes I want to give up but I just can't!!

[Sniffles]

love4, I think you just gave me some insight as to why my parents seem to bend over backwards to help my brother. I will admit it does make me jealous sometimes. Now I have had problems in the past and I worked through them and hopefully became a better person, but he has drained them so bad that I am afraid if I ever need them they will not be there for me either physically, emotionally, or financially.

[louisebobby]

To: Josh1788smom

I'm an adoptive mother and our son met his birth mother and father when he was 2 yrs old. His birth Mother was only 16 when she gave birth to him and the birth father was 18 yrs old. They were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend and she felt it was best to give her son a chance with a family that could provide for him and love him as their own. After sending letters and pictures of our son thru the adoption agency for 2 yrs, sharing how he was growing and developing, etc., we felt comfortable offering the birth parents to meet him again. Now, we see each other several times a year to celebrate his birthday, christmas, easter, summer, special occasions. We feel very blessed to have adopted him and wanted to share him with his birth parents. we also did not want him to grow up wondering who his birth parents were and someday they would have a family of their own and we wanted him to know his half-brother(s) and/or sister(s). he is now almost 8 yrs old and is very secure about his birth parents and us (his Mom and Dad). all he knows is that he is loved very much by a large extended family and enjoys spending time with them and their family whenever possible. Our situation worked out for everyone possible and we thank God every day!
I wish you the best of luck with your situation.