[kakuehl]

In some ways (at least for some if not many) I think the reunion seems to be like what happens when your child falls in love. All their energies and time are spent on the new love to the detriment of "family" time with their nuclear family. Eventually that wave of "in love" passes and the rest of the world comes back into focus. Speaking as a parent of adult children, I think they often don't realize how what they say and the ways they choose to spend their time has the power to wound their parents. I have learned as a parent of adults that I continue to love them as unconditionally as I can but I can't build my life around them. My mother once said, "We don't sit at home waiting for you to come home." (She wasn't saying she didn't want us there, she just didn't sit home hoping wee'd show up!)

Love4, I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain. I am praying that your daughter will learn how blessed she is to have both of you in her life.

Blessings,
Kathy

[love4]

I soooo agree that if I were in my daughter's shoes I would be very curious and I would definitely want to search. I do sooooo understand. In fact I was looking forward to seeing the women who gave birth to my daughter. Letting go is very important I understand as our children reach adults. I did not demand that my daughter want me more, I didn't demand that she spend more time with us. I don't think things would have been so painful had my daughter respected us and not walked out on us. I would call her and tell her I love her. I would leave messages here and there just to let her know it was o.k. and my doors were always open no matter what my emotions are. I let her know I understood her needs and I invited her birthfamily into our lives but she rejected all of it. That is what hurt so much. I know we were in her heart because she told us so but her actions proved only to hurt her family. I don't sit around and wait for her and I agree with your mom Kathy. I do have a wonderful life and I have many things going on. I wouldn't want any of my girls to feel burdened by me or feel obligated to spend time with us. I just want to feel cared about as much as she cares about her genetics. Having her birthfamily in her life seems to be more important than the family who grieve over a loss. That is what hurts. Not the reunion.

Also if I were a birthmom I would definitely want to know my child. I do understand my daughter's birthmom's pain. I understand her need.

My daughter should not have been placed in my arms.....but she was. The best thing I can do is accept what I cannot change. Through it all I still am very blessed to be a mom of 4 girls that I truly enjoyed nurturing. I wouldn't change that for the world.

[kakuehl]

I do hear what you've been saying and I wasn't trying to imply that you're expectiations were "inappropriate." You strike me as a person I would have been very comfortable with as the mother of my son (excuse me while a drop the a's and b's!). For me it would be very painful if D told me he wanted to spend all his time with me and my family and walk away from the family he's been a part of since birth (minus 3 weeks!). I cannot be the person who raised D and I don't want to "recover" that role in his life. I just want to rejoice in being a part of his extended family now.

I asked D a couple months ago how he would describe our relationship. His response was, "Uh...healthy?" I like that. We don't spend time trying to define it. I think of him as one of my children in much the same way my children's partners become my children (in my mind anyway!) I have never addressed my inlaws by their first names: they are my husband's parents and they are Mom and Pop. (I think that took Pop a while to get used to it but after 33 years it's ok with him!)

I try very seriously to live what I believe.... that we are all children of God and so related. (I'm not good at rejecting people.)

How long has your daughter been in reunion? How sad that she is missing the opporunity to integrate all aspects of her life. D has invited me in, but he hasn't pushed his mom and dad out so we have all spent time together at family gatherings. I try to be sensitive to her feelings because I am concerned that she is uncomfortable with my presence. I think sometimes from things she's said that she's not really comfortable with D's developing relationship with my other children (his half-siblings). Their relationships seem to have developed very quickly. The difficulty may be that his relationships with the 2 sisters he was raised with aren't particularly close. Again, my feeling is how wonderful to find more family; I have met his 2 sisters yet, but I hope to do so at some point.

Some days it feels like it's a mine field out there! Sigh.

Have a good week,
Kathy

[love4]

Thanks Kathy,
You are very kind and I know you didn't mean my expectations were inappropriate. It is good to hear from you and get a better understanding of the triad. We learn from each other and I have learned from you. I appreciate all your responses. Actually I think we could both get along fine! I would be very comfortable with you. I am very comfortable with my daughter's birthmom. She is very nice and we really do enjoy each other even though at times it is awkward. I feel awkward a lot. It is not a normal situations IMO. My daughter's birthmom contacted her almost 9 years ago. It took my daughter some time to finally decide to meet her. Now they are inseparable. That hurts me too. My daughter is not close to the 3 siblings she grew up with and that saddens me. I always wanted them to be close.

[josh1788smom]

I am truly enjoying the thoughts presented here. I think love4 is an angel sent to me (not to be too selfish). I have negative thoughts for my son's adoptive parents. BUT they are my family - so I feel I can say that. I feel this has been all about them. I have certain issues with my parents - I'm sure there is anger there, but they are my parents so I have to move on. Love4 has made me feel her pain. I don't want anyone to feel her pain. I cannot fathom completely abondoning the people that raised you. It seemed so simple to me when I first posted. I was full of anger. Love4 brought humanity to my anger. Now, I would be lying if I said I don't have anger, hate, etc to my dad's cousins. In my turbulent situation, I think the thing for them to have said is, "we would love to raise this child, but for the fact there is clearly a problem here between E (me) and parents. As much as we would love to be parents - we do not think this situation is the best for us to be involved in. As your family, we would like to wish you the best of luck and show you our support." Instead - they took my child while I was incredibly hysterical, and actually asked my mom if they thought I'd change my mind - Did they actually think It was my decision! Hello - McFly????? Anyhow - now I know these are all such tricky, sad stories. I don't want my son to question his entire upbringing and his life so far - so I likley won't go into any details for a LONG LONG time. I have thought - in my situation, the aparents should know I am planning on meeting my son ASAP. Since we are family and they know almost exactly where I am, I thought it would be nice for them to talk to him about the story and plan on meeting me this summer since he would have been out of school and I plan on talking to him once he turns 18 (next month). I would think that would have made it easier on him and could have been more on their terms. As it stands, they still have an unlisted phone number and are on the run from me - Any thoughts for me on this one? Thanks! Deepest regard for you all (especially Love4 who has touched a special place in my heart and made me feel humane again - I'm 35 - I'll be your pen pal if you'll have me - I know I'm not your daughter but we can be friends.)

[love4]

josh1788smom,
ahhhhh, you are so kind! Thanks and I would be happy to be your pen pal. I will send you a private message with my email address. Your kindness has helped me through some emotions also. It helps to see another side if we will all take the time to listen and put ourselves in the shoes of another. Hugs.

[mmmarmo]

Oh, it's all just so sad!!! I am reunited with my 24 year old twin sons... we have had a wonderful reunion, their amom has encouraged our reunion.... she has always said that there can never be too many people in the world to love them... I was forced to give my sons up for adoption, they understand that, but I would never ever think of taking them away from their afamily.... I think that in her total understanding of the boys desire to get to know their birthfamily it has strengthened their relationship and I would want it no other way.... I just adore them, her and their adad... I'm sure at times it is hard for her as well as at times it is hard for me, but with a lot of care and communication between all of us we are sure enjoying each others company! Peace to all! Mary Kay

[love4]

I agree. Lots of care and communication is the key IMO.
My daughter kept many secrets and it left me assuming. She didn't want to hurt me but it did just that. Her birthmom never returned any of my calls. She was afraid she would lose my daughter if my daughter found out she called me. My daughter didn't want the two of us talking without her being there. She wanted me to accept her birthfamily and I did but she kept me pretty much in the distance which hurt me. I know this could work so much better if we all honestly communicated and cared much for each other. We are all here to stay and we need to embrace each other.

My daughter is including us a little more now and it is comforting to know she cares but she keeps us at a distance still. The relationship is controlled by her and only her. It is very hard but I have learned not to have any expectations. I accept whatever she wants to give. It is important for her to call all the shots. That makes it difficult for those who love her.

I wish it never hurt me. I wish I could be like the adoptive moms who find it so easy in a reunion but I am me. I struggle. I accept who I am and walk my own journey to healing. I can't be anyone else. I only know how to be me.

[healingfeeling]

It is important for her to call all the shots.

hey love4,

just a quick question...

why is it a problem for you that she calls the shots. isn't a reunion with her bioparents really more about her and her bioparents than it is about you and the bioparents?

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by love4

My daughter is including us a little more now and it is comforting to know she cares but she keeps us at a distance still. The relationship is controlled by her and only her. It is very hard but I have learned not to have any expectations. I accept whatever she wants to give. It is important for her to call all the shots. That makes it difficult for those who love her.

What I tell my adoptive parents to try to get them to understand my need for space is, I am in the process of undoing emotions that I have pent up for over 20 years. I liken this feeling to my heart and soul being like a bomb that has exploded and now I have to pick up all the pieces and figure out how they fit together again.

These reunions and then subsequent relationships take years upon years to sort out for some people, like myself. The best thing that my adoptive parents can do is--let go. That doesn't mean stop loving me, and stop talking to me. That doesn't mean that I will stop talking to them. It means let me be free. Free of any guilt to pursue my authentic self.

[love4]

Healingfeeling,
IMO relationships and friendships can never be one sided. It is a giving and receiving. Tenderly caring for each other. My daughter has not been turned away by me because she calls the shots. She is still loved. Maybe you are right that this is about my daughter and her birthmom but it just leaves me empty. I don't demand she spend time with us. I invite her with no more expectations. She is free to choose. No guilt. Some guilt she places on herself. She doesn't always feel right about her choices.

whitsunday,

I certainly understand your need for freedom. I would want that too. I want my daughter to know that she is free to work her emotions out and still be able to come back to my arms and be loved. At the same time I need freedom to work on my emotions without my daughter walking out of my life. Don't get angry cause I hurt. My pain does not have to put her in chains. I don't want her to feel that. Just as you struggle with your emotions, I struggle with mine. Tenderly caring for each other. Hugs to both of you.

[whitsunday15]

Love4-

What would be the ideal situation with you and your daughter right now?

I ask because sometimes I myself feel an enormous amount of pressure to not destroy lives that I care about. At the same time, I did not ask to be born or put in this situation. In the end, we the adoptee end up picking up all the pieces in the aftermath of our own births. I feel sometimes that it ends up being up to us to fix what the adoption agencies broke in the first place. That's not fair.

Do you ever consider that your pain and anger may lie with the system instead of your daughter and her reunion?

[love4]

whitsunday,
I can feel your pain and it hurts to feel the pressure you feel. I know you didn't ask to be put in this situation. It is not fair for you to feel you have to pick up the pieces. I often think about my daughter feeling soooo pressured and it hurts me. I wish I could fix it. One day she told me, "your mom. you are suppose to know how to fix it."
Just as you feel, I did not ask for my life either. I have experienced many things in my life that are hard to deal with at times. It has taken years to overcome.
Yes, I also blame the system and am angry. I ride by the place where I picked my daughter up for the first time and I am full of anger and feel betrayed.
I am so sorry for your pain.....for my pain.....for the pain of her birthmom. We will all work it through in time.

[whitsunday15]

I have another question. My aparents are starting to come around and really seem interested in learning what happened to bring me into their lives. What's going to happen though is they are going to have to challenge their beliefs about children who have been given up for adoption. They believed the lies that they were told.
My question then stems from you mentioning how you drive by the adoption agency and feel anger. How long did it take you to get to the point where you understood where to focus that anger, i.e. the agency?

[love4]

My oldest is 31. I was told that she was wanted very much but her birthmom was unable to provide for her. I was never told that her birthmom was pretty much forced to give her up. When I heard the story from her birthmom I hurt soooo much for her. I wanted to embrace her. I felt a bond with her.

It was when I came to the adoption forums that I began to understand better. I felt the grief of a birthmom and the pain of adoptees. My pain was not just my own. Pain belonged to all of us. I don't blame my daughter for her anger. I do not blame her birthmom for her pain. It was here that my life has changed. It is where healing began.