[love4]

For those of you who followed my story I have to say since Christmas my daughter has made efforts to answer the phone when I call. I had the opportunity to have lunch with my daughter and her birthmom. It went well. It was bitter/sweet. We had a very fun time of laughter. We enjoyed each others company. Birthmom and I are a lot alike and we have common interests. It was hard to hear the two of them talk about Aunt so and so or Grandma so and so but I imagine it was hard when my daughter and I talked about our relatives. My daughter seemed to feel very comfortable with the both of us there and I think she had a good time. I have learned so much from this experience. Letting go was one of my biggest challenges. Letting go of the dreams I had and the needs that I will not have met anymore. Yet letting go has brought me much freedom. I don't know how things will go from here but I no longer look down the road. I take one day at a time. Where the journey leads doesn't matter anymore. I can learn to be content with whatever choice my daughter makes for herself. It's her life. I still welcome her with open arms................my daughter. She will always have a place in my heart.............near or far.

[blankenb4]

love4,

I have read your threads over the last several months and my heart has gone out to you.
I am sooooo happy to hear that contact has been reestablished. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress in your relationship with your daughter, however small the steps may be. It seems that your patience is indeed paying off and that your daughter is coming around.
Hats off to you for giving her the space that she has needed, even though it has been heartbreaking for you.

My prayers are with you and your daughter.

Hugs,

Barbara

[love4]

Thanks Barbara,
Thanks for your prayers and kind heart. My prayers are with you also. Many hugs..........love4

[Dianna]

Hi love4, I have been following your thread also and am also glad that things are working out for all. I will continue to look to you for a role model for me when I get there. Thanks for you sharing and kind heart.

[Montraviatommyg]

Although I haven't followed your story it is good to see your post. I've been in reunion with my (b)son since August 2004 and he still hasn't told his parents, that's his decision which I respect. The only thing that worries me is how they will react if they find out as the longer it goes on the harder it will be to tell them. It must be a good feeling though knowing you haven't lost your daughter.

Philippa

[love4]

Thank you Diana. It has definitely been a hard journey for me and I still struggle at different times such as when my daughter doesn't answer her phone or doesn't return my call. When I hear of all the fun things she is doing with her birthmom and I am not even acknowledged for my birthday or Mother's Day. Her birthmom is always first on her list. She has made efforts since Christmas and I am thankful for that. I try to focus on the good and not the pain. I don't think she will ever see my heart because she is so focused on her own. Yet I have grown so much. For that I am thankful.

[love4]

Phillipa,
I am happy for you as you enjoy your son. But I am very hurt that he will not tell his adoptive parents. Yes, it may hurt them but the longer he waits the harder it will be and the more pain his parents will have. To be lied to is soooo painful. I did hurt very much when my daughter reunited because I was soooo fearful. There were many emotions to work through but I have worked through most of them. Going behind my back would be more painful than knowing. There is freedom in truth. To keep a lie must be hard on your son. I see it bothers you too. Please help him. I am happy for you. I truly am. Take Care!

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by love4

Phillipa,
I am happy for you as you enjoy your son. But I am very hurt that he will not tell his adoptive parents. Yes, it may hurt them but the longer he waits the harder it will be and the more pain his parents will have. To be lied to is soooo painful. I did hurt very much when my daughter reunited because I was soooo fearful. There were many emotions to work through but I have worked through most of them. Going behind my back would be more painful than knowing. There is freedom in truth. To keep a lie must be hard on your son. I see it bothers you too. Please help him. I am happy for you. I truly am. Take Care!

love4

I agree with you absolutely particularly as my bson did admit that his mum brought this issue up about searching when he was 16 but apparently nothing more was said about it.

You're spot on about it bothering me as there is a good reason for this. My bson started searching for me when he turned 18 in 1999 and found my family quite quickly. I had a falling out with my family in early 1999 and didn't start communicating with my parents till late 2001 so my family honestly didn't know where I was as I had moved soon after the falling out. After I was back in contact with my parents they didn't tell my bson that they now knew where I was or tell me they had contact with him. Last August I found my son by accident through a website he had put my details on so emailed him and that was the start of out reunion. My son and I have had to deal with the fact that my parents kept quiet and it hurt me so much that they did this. The excuse being they didn't know if my husband knew about my bson even though my sister had told him so all I can assume is she didn't tell them what she had done. The other issue it caused between us is my bson hadn't been completely convinced my parents didn't know where I was so thought I didn't want to know him. Obviously as I made the first move he knows this isn't true.

After what we have been through I truly understand what it is like to not be told the truth - my parents didn't lie to me but they with held information which caused two people pain. My bson and I have been brought closer together because of this but it could have caused alot of problems. For this reason it does bother me that my bson hasn't been honest with his parents. If they knew the truth they would know they haven't lost their son.

Philippa

[love4]

[quote=Montraviatommyg]love4

I agree with you absolutely particularly as my bson did admit that his mum brought this issue up about searching when he was 16 but apparently nothing more was said about it.

If his mom was willing to help him search, this hurts even more. It would seem that they would have been able to get through the emotions. My daughter withholds info from me too and it is so hurtful. I can understand that they may feel that they will lose us if they tell but we all deserve honesty. It helps us to feel respected and loved. A relationship should not be based on lies or things being withheld. You understand because it has happened to you also. I know how painful this was for you. Have you worked things out with your family? I hope you can help your son do the right thing. It will help you also.

[dpen6]

love4

At least you got some feedback from your daughter. I am happy for you as my heart broke for you as I read your story.

Maybe at some point your daughters eyes will open and she will understand the very important role you have played in her life!

Donna

[love4]

dpen
I am very thankful that my daughter has made efforts to connect. The wounds are still there but I feel I need to be very careful not to show my sadness in her presence. I want to show her my joy with her calls because she IS making efforts. Any sadness will drive her away.

[Montraviatommyg]

love4,

My parents are elderly and frail so I let them know that I accepted their reasoning as they mean too much to me to fall out again. They have to deal with the situation the best way they can and I would rather we all have a relationship with my bson than none at all. I asked my bson to accept my parents reasoning for keeping quiet for the same reason which he has done.

Over his parents the way I'm dealing with that is to listen when he talks about them as I know he has issues with them - usual son/parents stuff things. They went on to have their own bio son a couple of years later who is treated exactly the same which was a huge relieve. On the other hand I wont criticise them as I do get the impression they did the best they could by both sons. Both have had love, a good life, lovely holidays, good education - my bson is now at the start of his second degree- basically probably more than I could give him. I hope that my attitude will change his mind about telling them as they deserve the truth. All I can do is let him know I'm a friend for him.

Philippa

[love4]

Philippa,
You have a very forgiving spirit. Your family is important to you.
Sounds like your son had a pretty good life. How wonderful he is going for his second degree.
My focus was to be the best mom I could possibly be. I wanted my 4 girls to be happy and content. I worked hard at it and I still do. I am doing the best I can. Yet we all still seem to fall short. There is always something that our kids have issues with. My oldest daughter told me that my all was still not good enough. Very hurtful to me since I try sooooo hard. I love soooo much.
I too hope that your son will see your wonderful attitude and begin to desire to honor his parents with the truth.

[Malos]

Originally Posted by love4

Philippa,
You have a very forgiving spirit. Your family is important to you.
Sounds like your son had a pretty good life. How wonderful he is going for his second degree.
My focus was to be the best mom I could possibly be. I wanted my 4 girls to be happy and content. I worked hard at it and I still do. I am doing the best I can. Yet we all still seem to fall short. There is always something that our kids have issues with. My oldest daughter told me that my all was still not good enough. Very hurtful to me since I try sooooo hard. I love soooo much.
I too hope that your son will see your wonderful attitude and begin to desire to honor his parents with the truth.

Love4,

Its not that simple, sometimes its just wiser not to stir up a hornets nest.

[love4]

Yes, this is true. It was a very, very painful time for us. You can't imagine the emotions welling up inside me when my daughter moves in with her birthparents and doesn't make much efforts to be a part of us. I felt like I was just a babysitter. We still haven't worked through all the pain because my daughter refuses understand my emotions. It's been 2 years since she moved in with them and our relationship is hanging by a thread because I feel so abused but my love for her has stood the test of time. Sometimes I want to walk away but my heart still won't let me.
How does one live with the secrets? Many adoptive parents kept the secret that their child was adopted and the child was furious when they found out. They felt lied to. I told my girls the truth and they knew they were adopted since they were infants. I didn't have to keep the secret.
I can truly understand that in some instances things are better left unsaid but then is it?