[Find Crystal]

Iam a bmom searching for bdaughter born in 1986 she is getting ready to turn 19. I have spoken to a few adoptees and most say they would want to find their bparents. What I dont understand is why their are some that said they wouldn't. I think if I was adopted i would want to know everything??? I worry so much because I've heard of an adoptee aparents divorcing and was living with Agrandparents and adad didn't have anything to do with her after the divorce and amom was bi-polar and threw away her adoption papers when she was 13. This adoptee was adopted out of the same adoption agency that my bdaughter was a month prior. It really scares me, I would be furious if my bdaughter ever had to go through anything like that. This poor girl was kicked out of the home by amom when she was 17 and told her it was time for her to go. Could you imagine???

[tricia3]

I am a reunited adoptee and I am married to an adoptee.
I don't think there are too many adoptees here that have not searched. I've seen a couple of posts by adoptees saying they would never search...but they don't tend to hang around for very long so we can pick their brains.
My husband is one of those adoptees that never planned on searching. I found and located my biofamily after we'd been married for quite a while. Although he understood my need to search he did not have that desire to do so. He mentioned being curious one night after I reunited and so I started making calls the next day. Little did I know it was only curiosity , not an actual desire to know who they were. I thought I was doing him a favor by doing his search. And of course it only took a short time (1 month) to have bmom's name in my hand.
A few mornings later I contacted her w/out his knowledge (stupid I know), I thought this would be a wonderful surprise for him. NOT!!!!
But he talk to her nonetheless and answered lots of questions and so did she.
My point is that even though the desire to search was not there, he was still curious.
Perhaps your daughter's adopted parents have answered any questions she has and she does not feel the need to search for answers. I have often wondered if my parents had the answers to my questions would I have still felt the need to search. Who knows for sure but I think I would have been satisfied with that.
We took an unofficial poll on another board about what age we (adoptees) began searching. Although most were curious from a young age, the average age to search was about 30.

[scarlet52698]

My son is about the same age as your daughter and he isn't ready to know his birthfamily yet. I was able to find this out through the agency when I sent him a card and pictures through them for his birthday. He accepted the pictures and card but doesn't feel ready for anythng else.

It's hard to accept but I can understand how he feels because I'm adopted too. I was very curious about my bfamily my whole life but wasn't ready to do anything about it until 25. There are so many emotions tied to it and it can be pretty overwhelming.

My biggest fear was alienating my aparents, we didn't have the best relationship as it was and I didn't want to do anything to upset that.

As soon as I moved out on my own though those feelings changed and I wanted to know more.

It is terrifying to think of our birthchildren having to go through what you described of your friend. However, I try to keep in mind all the happy families who love their adopted children as if they were born to them. There are TONS of those families right here on our board

[crick]

My dh was adopted and is in his early 40's now. Sometimes he's curious about basic facts surrounding his biological history, medical, and just a wonderment of "what do they look like"?

However, it doesn't go beyond that. He has no desire to have any physical contact and is content without knowing them. In his opinion, his parents who raised him are the only parents he needs to know. Doesn't feel that "hole" or "void" that some adoptees feel and for him being adopted was not the main point of his life....just a part of him.

Just another perspective...
Crick

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by tricia3

My husband is one of those adoptees that never planned on searching. I found and located my biofamily after we'd been married for quite a while. Although he understood my need to search he did not have that desire to do so. He mentioned being curious one night after I reunited and so I started making calls the next day. Little did I know it was only curiosity , not an actual desire to know who they were. I thought I was doing him a favor by doing his search. And of course it only took a short time (1 month) to have bmom's name in my hand.
A few mornings later I contacted her w/out his knowledge (stupid I know), I thought this would be a wonderful surprise for him. NOT!!!!
But he talk to her nonetheless and answered lots of questions and so did she.

Tricia,
it's interesting that you did this because I am in a similar situation. My bf is adopted and doesn't seem to have ANY curiousity about his bfamily. In some ways I find this very strange, because he does know that he probably has bio siblings. He and his abrother have a very tense relationship, and he has mentioned before that he wishes it was different. It seems to me that he might WANT to find other siblings.
However, his reasoning is that his parents are the people who raised him. He even goes so far as to have changed his life story slightly, as his version makes him feel closer to his amom ... she was born and raised in Canada. For years after I met him I thought he had been born in Canada also. But his amom told me one day that they had adopted him in CA. He also talks about some physical traits he has as though he inherited them from his amom.
She has said that she offered to help him search if he wanted, but he doesn't. I have a LOT of curiousity about his bfamily, but have managed to resist doing an actual search. We do know that his bfamily was poor. He had serious medical problems when he was born, and apparently bparents felt they could not provide for him.
I have always been under the impression that it appears that girls feel the need to search more than boys. Does that seem to be true here? My sister's abrother also has never searched.

[scarlet52698]

From what I seen on various registries and boards it does seem like girls look more often than boys.

Something I've always wondered, was why don't some adoptees consider how the bparents might feel. At least a picture or letter to let the bparents know how they are. I DO NOT think an adopted adult owes ANYHTING to their bparents, but for the majority of bparents it would be a welcome blessing to have a letter or picture of their bchild grown up.

Of coarse now that I think about it, when I was searching for my bmom it was for me. It never occured to me that she would want to see what I looked like as much as I wanted to see her. I was pretty convinced I'd be a disruption to her life and I prepared myself for the worst. I'm so glad I was wrong!

[aud61]

Although I did have couriosity when I was younger about my Bfamily I never really gave it much thought. Years ag I found out who my bmother was and even seen her as we live in the same town but I had no uegr to talk to her. I did not want to know why she did what she did or how my birth affected her life.End of story right? wrong! Now i find myself in a very awkward situation her son my half bro came looking for me and found me which turned my world upside down and even tough I have talked to him and have come to terms with having a brother i still don't want contact with her. Mostly because of my child she is too young to understand and although she knows that mommy has a brother which she can understand because she has a half brother I don't feel i is fair to make her try and comprehend the whole adoption situation. Then too there is a pain factor it would cause my a-mom I already feel like I am living a double life. So it is not so easy as to wonder why someone would not want to know as there may be many reasons why they may not think it is worth the pain. sometimes not knowing is easier.

[Find Crystal]

Do you maybe haven't in your head that you were rejected by her. I dont want to judge you and I dont know your situation , but its seems to me that you might at least give her chance. There is always two sides to a story. Have you even talked to her personally? You will never know until you at least take that chance. I think she at least derserves that much, she gave you life and did the best thing that she thought was good for you. Like I said please dont take this as being rude and I dont know your situation. I know that if I knew my bdaughter lived in the same town as I did, I would make sure I was in her life from the very beginning. I dont know if you read my journal but I was very young and to immature to take of a child and my mother was already raising my sisters 3 kids. She herself had raised 6 of her own and the way my life has been since that heart wrenching last day I was with her, wouldn't been a great life that she I know she deserved.

[shirleyville]

Something I've always wondered, was why don't some adoptees consider how the bparents might feel. At least a picture or letter to let the bparents know how they are. I DO NOT think an adopted adult owes ANYHTING to their bparents, but for the majority of bparents it would be a welcome blessing to have a letter or picture of their bchild grown up.

Scarlet -- I hear ya....but from the other side of the coin. I wonder why some birthparents don't consider how their child might feel.
My birthmom denied contact with me just over two years ago. She wouldn't even agree to accept a letter or picture from me....nor did she even inquire about my health and well-being. She would provide no health history, nor would she provide information about my birthfather. In short, she filed papers with the state, within 48 hours of my CI's contact, stipulating that there was never to be any information provided to me, EVER.
It would have been nice to receive a picture....or a letter.....or even an explaination as to why contact wasn't something she was emotionally capable of accepting. Instead, I got nothing -- except a bill from the state for nearly $400.
I eventually discovered her whereabouts, on my own, a few months later, and was shocked to discover that she was living less than ten miles from me -- and had been most of my life. I sent her a letter -- it's here, on the forum, somewhere......and I've been told it was one of the most moving, heartfelt letters people have ever read......but still, even then, knowing I was just down the road, so to speak, she didn't even acknowledge receiving it.
I have contact with one of my birth cousins, and I've come to understand, over the years, that my birthmom just isn't in a position, emotionally, to face her past -- let alone, bring the past into her present world. The events of my conception and birth were a lifetime ago....and over the last 40 years, she's built a life for herself -- a life with children, and grandchildren who have no idea I exist.
I respect her for her decisions....and I don't believe they were easy ones. It would have been nice, tho, if she would have given me something....just one little shred of something from her, that I could have, just for me -- a kind word....a picture....a letter....
I wouldn't have divulged her "secret"......she didn't have to tell a soul........
But I am a firm believer in the fact that she doesn't owe me anything -- she gave me my life, and if my silence is the only gift I can give to her, in return, then I give it freely, and with love.
Hugs,
Sally

[Find Crystal]

Also adoption, I think is not a dirty word, it's about love for one child and giving that child more love to another family that can take better care of that child. I have my bdaughters biological sister and half brother and I didn't throw away my first born just to keep the other 2 children I have. I dont think that's a normal human being thoughts. I myself just got a little older and got married too young @18. Was divorced by the time I was 22 and in that time came her sister. Basically for the first 7 or 8 years of her life my ex mother- in- law raised her at 19 I thought I was ready to be a mom. I'm going on 36 now and I think I 'm definitely a good mom to my children now than I would of been when I was 16 or even 19.I am in a good place now in my life and I hope and pray my bdaughter doesn't think badly of me or think I just gave her away. There hasn't been to many days in 19 years that I haven't thought of her .

[Find Crystal]

You probably have no idea what happened in her life in that time of when she got preganant with you and maybe never will. I hope that you had a wonderful life growing up and I 'm sure your aparents loved you with all their heart. Maybe one day you will find some kind of closer for this. God Bless!!

[scarlet52698]

Sally-- ((HUGS)) I'm so sorry that you weren't able to find out something.......my heart aches for you It sounds like you have reached a place of acceptance about it, and no she doesn't owe you anything.......BUT........it would have been REALLY nice of her to at least acknowledge your existance.........even privately through the CI

No easy answers that's for sure, I don't think I'll ever understand all the idiosychrises of adoption.......LOL

[shirleyville]

Find Crystal --
I just wanted to give you a hug.....((((HUG))))
I'm from Indiana, too.....about 40 miles east of Indy....and I always feel we Hoosiers need to stick together.
You know....I wish the situation had turned out differently with my birthmom -- but I have never faulted her for anything....ever.
I never felt like she "threw me away" just to keep my siblings -- to the contrary - I always hoped she went on to have other children. I couldn't stand the thought that there might not be someone there to bring her flowers for Mother's Day, so she could feel special. I always dreamed that she had children all around her Christmas Tree on Christmas morning, to bring her that magic that only children can bring to Christmas. I wanted her to have everything that children can bring to a mother's life.....and thinking that she might not have gone on to have other children was just a thought I could not bear.
I was SO thankful to find that she had three children.....my sister was born only 14 months after I was -- and I have two brothers who are just a few years behind me, as well. Her life was filled with the joys of her children -- and now, she has seven grandchildren who are a huge part of her life. Her Mother's Days are special, and her tree will never be without children around it, to keep the magic alive.
I could never think badly of my birthmom for making the decision to place me for adoption -- I always hoped she did it for herself, as well as for me. I never wanted her to worry....or feel guilty....or sad -- that's part of why I attempted contact. I wanted her to know that there was never one day in my entire life that I faulted her in any way....that I have had an amazing life, and have never taken a moment of it for granted. I worried that she might need to know those things, to put her mind and heart at peace........but I was wrong about that.
It's all okay, tho...........and I love her even more, for it. She is a strong woman, and she is doing what she needs to do....for herself, and her family. Her life has not been an easy one -- but she's perservered. She's a survivor.
Hugs,
Sally

[shirleyville]

Scarlet -- Yes, it would have been nice for her to acknowledge my existence....that was really important to me, for awhile. But time has a way of changing the way a person looks at things, and I see things a lot differently now. My birthmom acknowledged my existence by choosing to bring me into this world. That is the most important acknowledgement -- because I am here to experience my journey. I've lived 40 years worth of an amazing life, and I know the next 40 will be even more amazing.
Crystal --

Maybe one day you will find some kind of closer for this.

I don't worry about closure anymore.....I've found it!

You probably have no idea what happened in her life in that time of when she got preganant with you and maybe never will.

I may never hear about it in her own words.....but I know enough to understand -- and I know she did the right thing.

I hope that you had a wonderful life growing up and I 'm sure your aparents loved you with all their heart.

I can promise you that no little girl was ever loved more!!!
Hugs,
Sally

[Find Crystal]

You really have a wonderful way of expressing yourself, I dont think I have ever heard anyone explain the way they feel about their experience with adoption with such nice words. It made the hair on my arms stand up!!! You have made me feel better and will save your e-mail for inspiration. Thank You!!!! Leanne