[tricia3]

....their adopted child decides to search?

Just curious?

[blankenb4]

Being a birth mom, I can only guess. I guess maybe they feel threatened by "new" parents coming into their child's life. Or maybe they feel inadequate as parents and that is why their child wants to search. I am sure there are as many different reasons as there are people.
If I am ever in reunion with my birthdaughter, I will not want to replace her parents. They raised her, they nutured her, she is their daughter. I respect that.
She is a biological part of me and she has always been in my heart. I remember her as an infant in my arms. I would just like to know about her and what she has been like over the years. I am so happy that I could enrich some couple's life and I would like to have the opportunity to say "Thank you" for providing for my biodaughter.

Barbara
ISO bdaughter 6-6-71

[spaypets]

I, too, can only guess. But I would compare it to your spouse seeking an old flame--even though you were being reassured that it was just to see how he/she turned out. It would likely make you feel as if you might be replaced.

Probably for many aparents, it brings up the old feelings of inadequacy brought about by infertility. It's a reminder that their child holds a connection to another person that they will never share. And there's the feeling that that bio connection might really trump the emotional connection they've worked so hard on.

There also might be fear that their children will discover something unpleasant about their origins or be hurt and rejected by the birth family.

It is hard for many people to understand what it's like to have mystery in your origins, so some aparents see a search as a criticism of the family they provided for their children.

I'm not saying they're right. I would support my daughter's efforts to find out more about her history. But as an amother, I understand some of the insecurity that these parents feel.

[love4]

I am an adopted mom. I felt threatened. I wondered if I would still feel like mom. I wondered if my daughter would leave me. I wondered if she would love them more. It scared me when she was sooooo happy and told me she had never been happier. It hurt me when I had tried sooooo hard to be a good mom.

My daughter left me and moved in with her birthfamily. I still have periods of not feeling like mom. I had feelings of being just a babysitter, foster mom.

Fear.............Fear..............Fear!!

[tricia3]

As long as I live I will never understand what makes an adoptee reject their adoptive family after reuniting with their bfamily. Maybe it's because I had was adopted by a great family. Not perfect, but still a great family.

I understand that parents feel threatened and I guess my answer has been reaffirmed by love4. I have tried to put myself in everyone's shoes (I'm in reunion for 3 yrs) to try understand how each person feels (bparents and aparents) and I've come to the conclusion that everyone gets hurt. My parents are hurt because they think I'm rejecting them, when really it's not about them. My bfather is hurt because he thinks I should choose him and well bmom is still picking up the pieces of a lost youth.

So back to my original question, "why do parents get hurt when their adoptive child searches?", and how can adoptees let them know it has less to do with them and more to do with the search for self ?

[Cheryl62]

Tricia:

My feelings are similar to yours. I had a great family, and my search for my birthmom had absolutely nothing to do with any lack on their part, as far as I was concerned. I was so afraid to tell them about the search, because I was certain my mom would be hurt, and she was worried. I feel terrible about that - and I've tried to reassure her that she will not, could not, ever, ever "lose me", which seems to be what she fears. I'm so sad to see that it does happen - I really can't fathom except in extreme cases -- since that makes it all the more difficult to allay her fears.

These things are so hard for everyone, aren't they? I do tend to treat the subject very gingerly, and not share as much as I'd like to, mostly out of fear of hurting her more -- though sometimes I wonder if her fears aren't magnified by her knowledge that I'm withholding a lot of detail. Sigh. I'm just hoping that over time she will see that our relationship is as strong as ever, and, in some ways, even stronger.

[tricia3]

[quote=Cheryl62]



These things are so hard for everyone, aren't they? /QUOTE]

Yes indeed, reunion seems to be hard on all members of the triad. Sometimes I wish I had been happy with not knowing.

[love4]

Tricia,
You said her fears are magnified by her knowledge that you are withholding info. Sooooo true. It made me wonder and feel jealous. Knowing the truth is easier for me. I may feel upset or sad but at least I don't feel deceived. I can work through the truth. I feel unloved when I feel deceived and there are secrets. I am strong enough to handle the truth and work through it. I understand about self search. That is NOT the problem. Fear...Fear............Fear of losing. My daughter had a great family in us. I am not perfect for sure. I made mistakes but I certainly gave her a good life and I loved her dearly. I still do. love4

[detroit]

...so I won't have to deal with this for a while. But we went into the adoption sort of assuming that he'd seek out his birth parents some day. Maybe I'll fell differently at the time. But I just don't look at as something to be "upset" about.

[love4]

seeking is one thing. I wanted to someday meet my daughter's birthparents also. I plan on helping my youngest this year with her search for answers. I like my oldest daughter's birthparents. How will you feel when there is such a preoccupation with their birthparents. It all depends on how each person deals with their reunion. Will you want to share? Will it be o.k. if your child spends more time with birthfamily than you? What if they prefer to live near their birthfamily rather than close to you? Will you mind sharing Christmas and holidays? What about birthdays? It was easy for me to say I support your search when my girls were young. It may not be as easy when you are faced with it. All depends on how your child deals with his reunion. Just thoughts......................

[Shoshana]

I have so many thoughts on this topic... First, a little history. I was adopted at 2 weeks and I remember thinking intensely about adoption issues from a very young age. When I was 18, I was among the first wave of adoptees to join ALMA - Adoptees Liberty Movement Assoc. I just absorbed the info, then searched at age 20. I spoke with my birth mother 3 days after I began my search. We've been close ever since.

Without going into the details, it was very challenging for my (a)mom. Initially, she felt very threatened. Within a year or two, she and my father had meet my birth mother and grandmother. Now, we are just one big family. If --my-- mom can overcome her fears, I believe anyone can! Honestly, though, I am very proud of her. I realize it was difficult. Her ability to support me in the search and reunion process and not make it about her made me love her even more.

Here are some general thoughts ---

I think many adopted kids are naturally curious. I also think, however, that there are varying levels of "comfort" within the family for talking about the adoption. Sure, the adoption story is told, but sometimes I think there is an unspoken message that talking "too much" or asking too many questions makes mom/dad uncomfortable. So the adoptee learns to keep quiet. I truly believe that most adoptive parents love their a-child no differently than they would a bio child. It seems like there is no difference, and for their love, there probably isn't.

I think for many experiences in life we can imagine ourselves in another's shoes. We can understand depression because we have been sad. We experience empathy for others' pain because we have had pain - even if for different reasons. I think for some experiences, however, it is much more difficult - even impossible, to truly understand. I do not think a woman can know what it is to be a man, or a white person to be black, or for a non-adopted person to be an adoptee. So, then, there is no difference in the love of the a-parents, but a difference does exist for the child .

Family is sacrosanct in our society. After loving a child unconditionally for years, it must be very challenging to truly accept and support a search/reunion. Not just out of fear that the child might be hurt, but also out of fear that the a-family didn't "love enough" or were somehow lacking. Sure, on an intellectual level, it's easy to understand that this isn't about whether or not the adoptee "loves" the a-family. What it --is-- about, however, is much more amorphous for the a-family to understand and very touchy for the adoptee to try to explain.

Do a-parents feel threatened when their teen wants to spend the weekend with an aunt, or when their college-aged son spends the holiday at a friends, or when their newly-married daughter spends holidays/birthdays with her spouse's family? We have models for those kinds of changes in familial relationship and the parents may experience sadness and perhaps a sense of loss, but I don't think these examples are "threatening." Even though adoption has been around for centuries, it's only recently become more openly discussed. However, it is still not the "norm" for family formation and models aren't always available.

This forum contains a wealth of information for the triad members to read and use as a foundation for understanding.

[Shoshana]

p.s. I forgot to say that my first/bio/birth mother IS my mother. She is not my mother in the same way, or even in a similar way that my mother is my mother. (jeez, does that make sense?) Nonetheless, she IS my mother. That doesn't mean that I love her in the same way that I love my mom, but I DO love her. My bio-sisters ARE my sisters. I gained an entire collection of relatives - and luckily, very nice ones, too! My parents also gained relationships - not the same ones as me, and not for the same reasons, but they opened their lives to my new (old?) relatives because they loved me.

Here's my favorite story which illustrates how my mom grew to accept my bio-relatives. Once I was shopping with my mom and my b-mom. I got separated from them and over the PA system I heard, "Will Joanne and Ginny's daughter please come to customer service?" Oh, did I ever laugh! Joanne and Ginny were pretty pleased with themselves too.

[love4]

Very nice Shoshana!! I felt threatened until I met my daughter's birthparents. They happened to be very nice and I felt a closeness right from the start. It was such a warm feeling for us to embrace. The time we shared to together was precious to me and I wanted more. Unfortunately it's not happening at least right now. Maybe someday. I would love to go shopping with my daughter and her birthmom and I feel like we both love our daughter and I am thankful for her. It was extremely hard in the beginning because of secrets and lies and things withheld. It put much fear and jealousy in my heart. I could only go by assumptions of what was going on. I feared the worst. My daughter has extreme trouble with relationships and that adds to our problems. It doesn't hurt to say, "our daughter" anymore. That came from working through the things I could change and the things I could not. I learned to let go of those things I couldn't change. The facts are that she is with her birthparents. They are in our lives and they are sweet people. I know they love our daughter. It hurts to feel left out. It hurts when I want to embrace them and they do not offer their heart. Maybe someday. I reach out into nothingness. Sometimes it makes me angry, then sad, then confused. Whatever they decide is their choice and I can't make them do what I would like so I must move on and still have an open door.

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Shoshana

I think for many experiences in life we can imagine ourselves in another's shoes. We can understand depression because we have been sad. We experience empathy for others' pain because we have had pain - even if for different reasons. I think for some experiences, however, it is much more difficult - even impossible, to truly understand. I do not think a woman can know what it is to be a man, or a white person to be black, or for a non-adopted person to be an adoptee. So, then, there is no difference in the love of the a-parents, but a difference does exist for the child .

I think you hit it--one thing I've learned listening to you and other adoptees is that I really _can't_ imagine what it's like to not know your history. I can think it doesn't matter, but it does.

[love4]

Sometimes I feel adoptive parents are suppose to be superhuman. We are to have a child placed with us and they are to be our own. We are to love them, nurture them, support them and give them our all. We are not suppose to hurt when there is a hole in our child's heart that we can't fill. They can tell us in anger that we are NOT their real parents and we are not suppose to hurt. We are suppose to be brave when they say that they want to search. We are suppose to support with no negative emotions. Only joy. We are to stand back when our child reunites and they want to spend every waking hour with their birthfamily. We are not to be sad when we now have to share our child's time. We are suppose to know we are mom and we have to know where we fit in. There is to be only joy. No sorrow or pain. We are to treat our child as if they were born to us but an adoptee knows he wasn't and needs to search for identity. We want our child to feel like a part of us but we see by the pain in their heart that they feel different. I will never be able to see what my birthchild would look like and yet it doesn't matter. I have no where to search. It would break my children's heart if I couldn't let go of the desire to know what my bio child would look like. They probably would have felt unloved and not good enough.
They may have tried hard to receive my love and feel like they keep failing, causing much pain. They may have felt they could never measure up. Sometimes I feel like that. My heart received my children and loved them. bio or adopted...........doesn't matter. Just blessed to have my girls.