[BethanyB]

love4, I was feeling the exact same way after reading some posts. I found myself asking the same exact question.

[love4]

Thanks Bethany,
Years ago birthparents were told to get on with their lives after they place their babies for adoption. Sounds cruel. Now the thing is for reunions with birthchildren and birthfamilies and adoptive parents are now suppose get over it!
One support group leader for birthparents told me that this is not about me but about my daughter and her birthmom to heal! I am not suppose to feel anything but happiness and great joy! Sounds cruel. I feel my daughter was taken from me and I am suppose to have great joy? love4

[expertrider]

I think my earlier post was just more of an explanation as to why some adopted children seek out their birth parents.

I can tell from the emotions expressed in some of the responses that there are a few deeply hurt adoptive parents out there.
I certainly don't blame them for feeling so upset.

Being a parent is normally a tough job.
When a person becomes a parent of a child that is not theirs biologically, it is an even more difficult job.

When a child tells a bio-parent the typical " I hate you..etc comments..", it might be a little disappointing, but there is no real fear, no insecurities, no worries.

When an adopted child tells their a-parents something similar ( I hate you, Your not my REAL mom/Dad etc...) the sting is intense. There is real fear.

I feel that being an adoptive parent is so much harder (I am both).
I think that MOST adoptive parents are amazing people, that have done an emotionally difficult task, with no security, and continued fear of losing their child.

My earlier post was only to offer an explantion as to WHY, not to say that it is the way it should be, or to say that it is always that way it will turn out.

I was a bit surprised by one of the comments that I read. It was mentioned that the only thing birth parents have in common with the birth child is that their "toes look alike". Are you kidding yourself?

My daughter and I are practically identical people. In fact, some texts site the biological influence alone at 80% of a persons character.

In my case it looks more like 90%+. The list of similarities is far too long to post here. Even the most subtle emotional peculiarities are the same between us.
That comment was nearly offensive to someone that has actually done some serious research on this subject.
My earlier post did make reference to the biological bond. It is very strong, NOT just because of a few physical features that are the same, but because there are so many emotional, intellectual, personal, behavioral features that biological children share with the biological parent.
It's about feeling awkward in the same types of situations.
It's about understanding the same type of weird humor.
And the list goes on.

Anyway, I fully sympathize with the adoptive parents that have had their child leave for the b-parents.
It has happened to me, I know how they feel as well as anyone.

I am now experiencing the other side of this event.
I am only trying to provide my insight to help with understanding of the adoptee / birth parent relationship.

As alway, I never intend to offend anyone. Sometimes, observations are painful.

Please feel free to disagree, but do it kindly!

-Steve

[love4]

My 4 adopted daughters have lots of similarities also. We all like the same type music. We are alike in the way we respond to things. My daugther treats her husband so similar to the way I treat mine. They have learned my ways. In many ways they are like me. We have many common bonds. Many people say my youngest looks like me. People are attracted to people who are like them.
Expertrider, I wonder how your relationship is now to your adopted daughter. It almost appears that she is out of the picture and that is o.k. with you now even though it hurt in the beginning.
love4

[dpen6]

Steve,

I have met my birthmom and no...did not see to many similarities. Our hand writing is alike, somewhat same facial features. But I did not feel any huge connection. I did feel a connection after a while...but not the same I feel for my amom.

love 4 ...I agree totally with your posts. I hear your anger and I don't blame you. I don't balme you fro feeling like a babysitter while bfamily gets there life together, for just filling in so when all are adults and the hard part is done they can walk out....being told "GET OVER IT>>>>>please I am so glad I did not hear that. That is totally self centered and rude...they ought to be ashamed of taking your feelings so lightly. Self centerd for all involved is what I say.

I have heard so many adoptees and birthparents procalaim that blood is thicker then water.....I have always hated that comment because it totally minimizes my whole life..and my mom and dads life.....

Steve what do you tell the adoptees that bmoms don't want contact...oh it there pain , try to understand...but never mind aparents pain..they don't count!!!!!????


No matter what bparents...what ever the situation....placed your children for adoption...don't gloat in the fact that some adoptees feel the need to life with bparents,assuming they had a good life, I would be more concerned with the fact that your children is hurting the very people that loved and cared fopr them when they you could not....encourage your child to respect and love their aparents....I can't help but think 10, 20 years down the line the guilt that adoptees will feel for treating their parents so shabblily...is it worth it?

[BethanyB]

Steve, it seems to me that because you found your bdaughter, losing your adaughter doesn't seem that bad to you. It seems like you got something in return and that is why you are stating these occurance so matter of fact. I think some people got upset reading your post because you are pretty much stating that a biological bond is much more strong than anything else out there. I don't think that is true, although it may be true in your case. For instance, maybe you did not feel "that bond" with your adaughter for other reasons (she was rebellious, got into trouble, had different opionions than you...),and then your bio daughter comes along and by coincidence you have many similarities. I have met people before who I SWEAR were EXACTLY like me! I don't think that all children are like their bio parents. Take me for example...My mom and I are NOTHING alike. She is my biological mother. We have totally different opinions and views on just about everything. We don't look too much alike either.

Now take my son "T", his bmom has many problems which in turn had him taken from her by DYFS. She has no home of her own, is involved in some bad things. (I won't go into everything as I respect her as my son's bmom and don't share our private info in detail.) The children she has had custody of have gotten into MAJOR problems with the law, truency and much more. If my son were to grow up with her, I am pretty sure he would form a personality due to the factors around him and her influence on him. Now living with me, he will grow up in a totally different atmosphere and will develop a personality due to my influence on him. So it's really nature/nurture issue. (I already have him thinking about playing football at 7 months of age!-Ha Ha! -Again MY influence!) So if he searches for her one day, he may look like her, but I have instilled the values that have made him who he is. That's from ME!

[Lynn Barry]

Naturally resentment rears its head when a person opens their heart and lovingly raises a child only to have the child abandon them as an adult for the one who didn't raise them but has the same gene pool as they do. It is easier to later be the buddy and with adult minds see the resemblances and want to hang out BUT the hard work of nurturing and caring about a growing child whether or not the care giver is a blood relative SHOULD matter...does it? I have found out that in some cases it does not...that bond overpowers the honeymoon feelings the reunited birth relations experience and the one who did the raising is relegated to a "Cinderella" type station sweeping up ashes and missing all the good times...

Would Steve have felt the same if he hadn't connected with his birth daughter and simply had to say good bye to his a-daughter...guess none of us will ever know...

As an adoptive mom I have been bitten by the once good enough not good enough to be in my life abandoned by my adopted child syndrome...

It takes time to heal...but I am...but I know now what the score is and others should be more sympathetic to a-parents as well as b-parents and adoptees...

[tricia3]

I think you had some very good points in your earlier response.
I've just been thinking about something you said.....the part about feeling much more connected to your bio-daughter than your adopted daughter.

I've often wondered if my parents felt differently about me and my sister than their bio-children.

I know that my bio-mom does not feel the same about me as she does her other daughter whom she did keep.

And I know that my bio-dad does not feel the same for me as his other kids.

So if this statement is how most aparents feel. Then I think I sort of feel like a woman w/out a country.

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by Lynn Barry

As an adoptive mom I have been bitten by the once good enough not good enough to be in my life abandoned by my adopted child syndrome...
It takes time to heal...but I am...but I know now what the score is and others should be more sympathetic to a-parents as well as b-parents and adoptees...

I am absolutely sympathetic to any aparent who has had this happen. However, I think that in the majority of cases, this DOESN'T happen.
Yet I have the impression from my own experience, from the posts here of aparents AND bparents, that this is a huge fear of aparents and colors their attitude toward reunion and toward the bparents.

[Lynn Barry]

good point...about comparing bios and adopted kids...I have three bios and one adopted...did and do I feel differently about them...I never thought about it...they were just my kids...

[love4]

I talk about my 4 adopted daughters and I use the word adopted but to me they are mine. They are a part of my heart. My younger two daughters were placed with me at 11 and 12 and it is as if I had them forever. They are mine. Someone once told me that I should feel closer to my brother and sisters because they are flesh and blood.................truth is my heart is closer to my girls. They are a part of me. That is why it hurts to have my daughter move back with her birthfamily. A part of my heart was ripped away. A piece of myself is gone. For me there is no difference in adopted or birth. Your child IS your child whether by adoption or birth. How sad to have a closer bond to a birth child rather than adopted. How does that make an adopted child feel? Sad. How sad to have a closer bond to a birthparent rather than the mom who held you close when you were sick and dried your tears. Who stood proudly as you received your diploma and helped you reach your goals. Those memories I hold in my heart. I cherish them. I am proud of my daughter and she slapped me in the face as she walked away. love4

[BethanyB]

antifloyd, I always appreciate reading your posts and just wanted to say that I have always wanted to have a semi open adoption for my CHILD'S sake. (Probably won't happen now - fost/adopt placement and mom has run off.) But to be totally honest with you, I have never been so worried about reunion until reading these threads. They scare me to death! I just want to be a normal mom like everyone else. Anyway I plan on being VERY open and honest with my son as he grows up. I love talking about adoption.

Even though my sons mom has been VERY neglectful and unstable (in the courts eyes), I will never have a bad attitude towards her when talking to my son. I hold no bad feelings for her now. I wish she had not done the things that she has but I respect her as my sons mother.

It makes me sad when others don't understand the fear that we have about possibly losing our children. I wonder if bparents feel the same jealousy, sadness and heartache in an open adoption, when they see the child they gave birth to loving and giving all of their attention to the adoptive parents? I have heard others say this on this forum before. It's like you want to be the MOMMY. I think these feelings can come from both adoptive and birth parents.

Anyway, those are my thoughts!

[Lynn Barry]

If you could see me right now you would see me on my feet applauding your reply...BRAVO! HUGS!

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

But to be totally honest with you, I have never been so worried about reunion until reading these threads. They scare me to death! I just want to be a normal mom like everyone else. Anyway I plan on being VERY open and honest with my son as he grows up. I love talking about adoption.
...It makes me sad when others don't understand the fear that we have about possibly losing our children. I wonder if bparents feel the same jealousy, sadness and heartache in an open adoption, when they see the child they gave birth to loving and giving all of their attention to the adoptive parents? I have heard others say this on this forum before. It's like you want to be the MOMMY. I think these feelings can come from both adoptive and birth parents.
Anyway, those are my thoughts!

I admit it is hard for me to understand those fears ... it has always seemed to me like the aparents hold all the cards. But of course I am basing that on MY particular experience. I always respected my daughter's parents' "parenthood" for lack of a better term ... never would occur to me to try to "get her back." I had even always thought that I would NOT search for her, that it was her "right" to search for ME, but not the other way around. Can't say that I wouldn't have changed my mind after she turned 18 if things had happened differently.
Of course, before reading this thread, I had honestly NEVER heard of an adoptee leaving their parents to go to the bparents. I think that situation is incredibly selfish on both the part of the bparent AND the adoptee. And I have to say that I know a lot of bparents who hate the whole system of adoption and say they would never do it if they could go back. I'm not one of those parents. Despite the undeniable pain I felt during the time between relinquishment and reunion (and even after) I know I made the right decision at that time and refuse to try and second-guess how things "might have been."
Consequently, it IS difficult for me to understand my daughter's mom's attitude. I believe I CANNOT take anything away from their relationship. Amanda does not treat me or think of me as her "mom" or "second mom." She refers to me by my given name and treats me as a friend or perhaps the equivalent of a much-older sister.

[love4]

My daughter's birthparents told me they have no intention of taking my place but they have her and I don't. My daughter calls me mom and calls her birthmom by her first name and yet she is there and not with me. So I will always be mom according to her but she has the relationship with them and not me. Now I am on the outside. They have taken over from here. It would make more sense if I were abusive but I wasn't. I loved and still do. My fears are gone. So is she. love4