[love4]

There are so many adoptees painfully searching for birthfamily and always feeling a hole in their heart. Many saying their adoption experience was not a good one. There are so many birthmothers living many years of pain and wanting to reconnect with the child they placed for adoption.

Then there are adoptive parents like myself who has given my all to my child and has broke my heart in a million pieces by abandoning us for her birthparents.

There are children who were taken out of abusive situations and placed in adopted homes and they so long to be back in the abusive situation because that is where their roots are. They can't seem to fit in. Their feelings of loss is great.


Is adoption a good thing? Just wondering what you think.

[dl]

As an adoptee, I have followed your situation and felt great sadness. I understand why you would question whether adoption is a "good thing". I do know, for a fact, that in my situation adoption was a very good thing. I was in multiple foster homes before being adopted at 13 months by very loving parents. Unfortunately they are both now deceased and I miss them very much. Over the past year I met bioFather and two half-siblings and spoke on the phone with a third half-sibling. The half-siblings are from bioMother's subsequent relationships and were kept by bioMother. All three wish that they too had been relinquished for adoption due to the lack of care they endured.

I have so much sympathy for you and others that have gone through similar situations of being abandoned by the children you love and gave your all to. I have no understanding whatsoever of how a person can act this way. While my bioFather is a nice man and bioHalf-siblings are nice people, there is no sense of "family" with them. Even though my parents are both gone, they will forever be my parents and no one could ever take their place.

Again, sorry for your pain but for myself ~ and many other adoptees I've met through the forum ~ adoption has indeed been a very good thing.

(((HUGS))) dl

[love4]

Thanks dl,
I need so much to hear good stories because it hurts so much sometimes. It hurts to know that all my efforts mean't nothing to the one I cared so much about.
I wonder if adoption is a good thing and yet I would do it again. I am so blessed to have my 4 girls and I have no regrets. Just deep sorrow for the one I love and have lost...........at least for now. It's been 2 years.
I will be doing some research after the holidays to help my youngest find some of the places where she grew up. She tells us she loves us and I truly believe her. I can't imagine her walking out on us but yet I am scared. I don't want to lose her too. Yet my heart could never tell her she can't find her birthfamily. It is too important to her. I want her to heal. I am walking into this very nervous but with a loving heart for my youngest who has blessed my life tremendously.
It's so nice to hear you loved those who raised you. My second oldest is very content with us. She has no desire to search. She said God has placed her just where she should be and she feels blessed. We are her mom and dad. It makes me sad to question whether adoption is a good thing when I think of her and how she has blessed my life. It was a good thing!!

Thanks again dl. I wrote that post out of pain and nothing else.

[dl]

I've read enough of your posts to know that this was written in a moment of pain. The holidays always make emotional pain so much more intense. I also understand being afraid that history will repeat itself.

I completely understand your second oldest having no desire to search. I actually never had any desire to search. I found out quite by accident that I could get my non-id information and thought that would be interesting. While I was waiting for that I found this forum and decided to let the social worker send out contact letters after reading a post by a bioFather that longed to know what happened to his daughter before he died. I thought perhaps someone was wondering what had happened to me. While my bioFather was happy to learn that I did have the life he had hoped I would have, no one had really given any thought to me or an older half-sibling that had been relinquished prior to my birth.

While thoughts will inevitably turn to the daughter that walked away during this holiday season, try to focus on the three daughters you have at home and the joy and love remaining in your home.

(((HUGS))) dl

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

{{love4}}

I don't know your situation but I can hear the pain in your post. We are in the process of adopting our 2 fc. They are very young 2 and 3, and we've had them for 2 years so they don't remember their family. You have expressed my deepest fear and I just wanted to give you a hug. I'm sorry that you are hurting so bad.

dl: Thank you for your posts. As a soon to be adoptive parent I, too, needed to hear your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your parents were wonderful people and felt so very blessed to have you as their child. I pray that our kids will grow up to be as emotionally healthy as you. Thank you.

Michelle

[HappyMomAnna]

Well-in the perfect world there would be no need for adoption.... Children would only be born to parents who created them in love and wanted them....Families would have everything they need to raise them....Woman would not long to have a baby because their marraige would be blessed and fertile--children would not suffer waiting for the parents to come and take them to a forever home....

...........the world is not perfect.

....and if there were no such thing as adoption I wonder what would happen? Would children remain with unprepared mothers who wished that they were better able to meet thier needs--even if that was just too hard to do? Would couples live to their dyeing day without a child with out a legacy without a place to hand down the stories of one family? Would orphans live to adulthood in houses and go out into the world without anyone to invite to their weddings?

There are bad stories about every kind of life--there are bad adoptive families--there are birthmothers who cry a million tears and never dry out--there are birthmothers who are for whatever reason able to make the choice and never speak again...there are children who die at the hand of an abusive parent--or even adoptive parent....in general Life sucks... and life is filled with one cross or another to bare--some have adoption stories as the pain they live--some have abortion as the secret that hurts---and If you asked my Uncle Eddie what he thought of adoption he would say--He wished that someone--anyone would have came and wanted him just enough to let him call them mommy and daddy even if it was for just a day or two....

[ingodshands]

Happymomanna wrote "and If you asked my Uncle Eddie what he thought of adoption he would say--He wished that someone--anyone would have came and wanted him just enough to let him call them mommy and daddy even if it was for just a day or two...."

That says it all right there. I was fostered in numerous homes. Whilst I surely preferred that as opposed to being in a children's home, I would have loved to have been adopted. Adopted by a couple that truly wanted me, for me to be their special "gift". Somebody I could have called mummy and daddy. I think had this of happened my yearning for my birthmother would not be as strong as it is today. And her rejection of me would not hurt so much. Just my opinion.

You have done a wonderful selfless thing, to bring up another woman's child. Love that child unconditionally and do the best for her that you could do. I hope to god, she comes around, and truly thinks about how you have loved and cared for her, and how she is breaking your heart. You dont deserve it. Adoptees have every right to want to know their birthparents, and you have encouraged this, and given your support. I hope she returns your unconditional love for her, sooner rather than later.

So, I think, when there is no other option, adoption is always best, it gives the child security from the beginning. Don't doubt the wonderful thing you have done. You are an angel

Collette

[jswing]

Love4

I am so sorry for your pain, As a birthmom of a 28 year old child.
I have always been thankful for the adoptive parents of my child.
Because of people like yourself all God's children have a chance to live and enjoy some of life's goodness. But I have learned over the years,and being blessed with another child. Children are born to be curious,and as they get older need their own little space at times.

So please don't think of this as a downside,because you have done a wonderful thing for someone. I know the pain but from the other side. And I am sure your adopted child or children love you very much. they would have to your their mom.

I hope this note is within the rules of this site... I always say things from my heart.. hope this helps a little

[LoveRiddenDad]

You know, love4, I've thought about my children doing what your child did. I have to say it's worth it. I'm even going to argue the world isn't imperfect because of these things. If you're not religious/spiritual, I hope you don't mind, but I look at adoption and the process like finding (insert name of deity here... God, for all intensive purposes). When you start pursuing God, no matter what anyone says, you have no idea whether it's true or not, or what you'll find at the end of the path. What's worse than finding an unclear and muddled being/decision is finding a cruel, stupid one. We fear the unknown more than the latter, which is befuddling, and confuse the two. I think you have to trust in the process and realize you've not reached the end of the path yet. Above ALL things I believe in omnibenevolence, unconditional love. Your child will one day realize she gave up half of her family for the other half, and she'll need a familiar place to fall. You NEVER lose when you remain receptive and open.

[love4]

I love all your posts. It's good to read so many thoughts and the hugs are great!! I cherish all your replies. I was soooo scared when my daughter's reunion took place and yet I was curious. I wanted to meet her birthfamily and I did. There was such a sweet fellowship and I wished my daughter could let us all in her life. How much richer could her life be? She chooses not. We all live within an hour of each other.
There are days when I question if adoption is a good thing and days like today where I am feeling ever so grateful for each of my 4 daughters. My younger two were adopted at ages 11 and 12 and the challenges are great but so rewarding. They could have lived in foster care until 18 and have no where to call home and that saddens me to think about. I am happy that I can give them a soft place to fall. A place to call home. A place of security. I do so want their love. I want the sweet communion of a mother and child. Then like you said, life isn't perfect.
I am still am honored to have each of them in my life and I will always be here for each one of them. I want to honor their needs to search and be thankful for the times I have had with them. Things are not as hard as they were because I choose to look at all the wonderful things I do have. Thanks for all your comments and for seeing the pain.

[HappyMomAnna]

...you know something I think that all of us adoptive parents do stuggle with the idea that our children will oneday leave us and reject us....

......I just keep telling myself...."If you love something setit free..."


What is real today might very well change again and transform into what is a balance for her and for everyone....

You know how it is when you fall in love---you dump the world for that new person--nothing else matters on the face of the earth--new found energy arrives and you are able to move a moutian...and then time passes and you remember what you had before you had this new person....and you start to call the friend you forgot to call for months....and eventually you have balance again...life is consistant and there is room for everyone....

I think this might be how it sometimes feels when they are reunited.... I think it can take time to get back to REAL--but, I think it is a long long life and nothing is impossible...Just because your daughter is expressing a feeling right now does not mean that she will not balance out and find a day when she really needs to hear her mothers voice again say, "do not worry sweet baby everything will be OK..."

[jude4691]

I'm an adoptee, and I think that the question "Is adoption a good thing?" is far too simple a question-I'm not sure you could ever get a clear answer.
The root of every adoption is pain.It may be the adoptive parents pain because they were unable to have birth children.They may have never even considered adoption until they had exhausted every possible chance of birthing their own children.How many of them will live forever with the guilty feeling of wishing they had achieved motherhood in the usual way?
For the adoptee there is the loss of the woman who carried them for 9 months.There is the heartache that they have been denied this relationship that most people around them take for granted.If their birth mother didn't love them there is the feeling of worthlessness.If the birth mother did love them, why wasn't there a way for them to stay together?If they were neglected or abused, why couldn't they have had "normal" loving parents?
For the birth mothers there is the heartache of not knowing where their children are.The stigma of being the most awful of women not to have somehow kept their child.There may be the anger and bitterness at family and society for the lack of support.There may be the repeated cycles of abuse and neglect continued through the generations, which this new child will probably repeat again.
In amongst all this pain there will be times when the adoptive parents will truly believe they are just like any other family.The adopted child may find that they are truly loved by their adoptive parents and this may alleviate some of the pain of losing birth parents. The birth mum may have some happier times in her life.She may be able to convince herself that she made the right choice(assuming she had a choice).She may have other children who she is able to keep.
I think rather than the question "Is adoption a good thing", it's easier to consider how adoptive parents, adoptees and birth parents cope with the pain of the losses in their lives. Some will be forever scarred.Some will say they have no issues(personally I can't imagine that being true, but if it is the case for some, great-who would wish pain on another person?).Some will find their level of pain fluctuates through the course of their life.A 10 year old child might see their adoption as good.When they are 25 and giving birth it may take on a different meaning.
Jude

[lisaann57]

I believe for all intents and purposes that adoption is good. Like many other situations, it has problems. I am a birthmom of 2 and it has been very hard for me over the years worrying and wondering about my children, and like someone said, I have shed a million tears and there is no sign of it stopping. I have recently reunited with both of my children and it is a very painful situation for all concerned. One of my main goals in this was to make sure that my children's adoptive parents knew that I didn't want to take their place or disturb that relationship in any way. Their feelings were utmost in my mind. They were there to love and nurture my children when I could not. One of my childrens set of adoptive parents have been wonderful , supporting our new relationship all the way and I am so grateful for that, they are very secure in knowing that this child was secure with them as her parents, and as a result things have been going slow but steady and our relationship is developing. On the other hand, my other child's aparents have tryied to discredit me, put me down for my situation all those years ago and put thoughts into my son's head, about my personal character and as a result things have gone badly and he is an angry adoptee, who has been in and out of my life, making things difficult for me and my family. I have for my own self preservation have just about cut all ties to him. He knows I love him with all my heart, but the pain is so intense that my health is suffering. So yes adoption can be good, and sometimes it can go bad, its like everything else in life, its a risk and we have to take that chance and just hope it turns out well.

[love4]

fear seems to be a main reason why adoptive parents respond the way they do to reunions. It is not a nice thing to hurt birthparents because of their fear. I admit I was very fearful. In the beginning I didn't want to share. It scared me because I didn't want to lose my daughter. I felt so threatened. When my daughter struggled with anger most of her years because of feelings of rejection and abandonment and chose to direct all her anger toward me and her sister I surely thought once she met her birthparents I would be gone. I tried soooo hard to make her happy and to fill the void and I found out I wasn't able to do that for her. It hurt so bad to see your child helpless and I was unable to help.
One thing that helped me was I met her birthparents and instantly liked them. They were no longer a threat. I felt a oneness with them. After all, we share our daughter. I would love to become good friends but at this time my daughter is making it very difficult for all of us. She is in control of all of us.
If we look behind the angry words and actions of an adoptive family in reunion we might find a great fear. I have grown a lot since that first reunion day and it has helped to be on the boards and take a good look at all members of the triad.

[Shai's Mom]

I am an a-mom of a lovely little boy whom I adore. Adopting him has been one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life.

I see adoption as two-sided. On one hand you have such joy, such happiness, on the other side there is loss and the tragedy of loosing a child. Nevertheless, I feel that it's a good thing to be able to give a child a good life and a future. My son's birthmother is a long-time drug addict who was imprisoned at the time of his birth. I shudder to think how his childhood may have been if he had stayed with her. She had another child who was removed from her and released for adoption at age 4.

My son is "mine" (please forgive the cliche, after all no one has any ownership of any other person) until he becomes an adult. In my country, he will have the right to open his adoption file with the interior ministry after he turns 18. He will have my blessings to do so, if he wants it.

No matter what happens later, the joy of seeing him grow up is something no one can take from me.