[s'okay]

I am an adoptive mom (over 20 years ago) and I am back in school studying social work. I have to write a thesis (essay) before I get my masters. I want to do it about a topic dealing with adoption. and I was thinking about doing some sort of survey to find out how adoptive parents
feel about 1. their kids reunions with birth parents 2. about meeting the birthparents themselves.
This is a subject kind of close to home for me, due to my own circumstances, and my own child's search and reunion.
I'd like to get some feedback if people think this would be a worthwhile project for me to do, and how they'd feel about answering an anonymous survey on this subject. Please write and let me know what you think!
thanks.
s'okay

[love4]

s'okay,

How did things go for you in your child's search and reunion?

[s'okay]

Hi. I purposely didn't write about that because I thought it might affect how some would respond to my query about doing my paper on this subject. Basically the one word I would use is "weird" . I will write more after I get some kind of response from other adoptive parents and /or my teacher and then decide if this is a topic to use. My paper has to be around 50 60 pages, so my husband can't see how I would get that much out if all I do is a survey. Maybe you have some other ideas of what kind of essay I can write while still staying on the subject of adoption. I can't think of anything else.
Thanks.

[Richard Justin]

I like your basic premise of getting the reactions of adoptive parents. They are not nearly as well represented in the literature as adoptees and birth parents. You could do a preliminary survey of a smaller sample to find out what the adoptive parents see as the issues- there may be more than the two you mentioned. I'd be intereseted to know what adoptive parents were told at the time of adoption about the possibility and legal processes related to reunions. While open adoptions are more common now, they were still relatively rare 18 to 30 years ago, but those are the people now in the "zone" for reunions. With some initial information in hand, you could approach the state or county about using their data base. A large enough random sample from various time intervals would be important, and perhaps you could find out from the agency what information would be valuable to them. If an agency will colaborate with you, you could probably find resources for a grant to cover printing and postage costs. By thinking big, you just might find yourself performing a valuable service for both the agency and the adoptive parent demographic.

By the way, I am an adoptive parent of two siblings who are now in their mid thirtys. They came to us as foster children at 9 and 6 years old when their father died and their mother was ruled mentally incompetent. Therefore we haven't faced any reunion issues with them. But I am also a birth father. I searched for and found my son almost four years ago. When I met his adoptive mom, one of the things she said was "The more people to love my son, the better!" Her support, even though the reunion was a shock to her, has helped both my son and me as we developed our relationship.

Rich

[s'okay]

wow. what you're saying sounds great. Trouble is, I only have 3 or 4 months to do this, and I'm currently not in the US (although my school is). I was hoping more to work with online sources, and various websites, as well as with a lot of adoptive parents I know myself. Of course, that would limit my sample... but I still think there is something here worth getting at.
I wonder though, if people would even be willing to answer a questionairre, since it seems that there have been 40 or so view to my posts here on this site, and only two people have responded. Leads me to think no one would be willing to say what's on their minds.

My first thought was to get adoptive parents reactions to meeting the birthparents themselves, but the few adoptive parents I spoke to said- what's the question? I'd rather not do that (meet them, or even "that's the last person on earth I'd be willing to meet right now). so I realized that wouldn't be a great premise for the paper.
BUt your idea of seeing if there were other issues on adoptive parent's minds when the subject of reunion comes up might be a good one.

Let's see if this can get some feedback!

[Richard Justin]

The problems I see with using on-line sources are: 1) You can't control your sample. Anyone coming to this site, for instance, could express their opinions on a survey even though they might not actually be an adoptive parent. 2) The folks using sites like this are those actively involved in dealing with issues and are seeking help, voicing concerns, sharing new feelings... ! You'd miss those who are just out there living the experiences of adoption without much strife. I suspect that is the larger percentage of those involved in adoption, and to miss their input would skew survey results.

You could use on-line feedback as anecdotal information and pose it as the preliminary step that would direct the content of a future hypothetical survey. Would that meet the class requirements?

Hmmm! I'm really not trying to be your project advisor. You just happen to have hit an area of interest of mine. Good luck with your project and your class.

Rich

[love4]

Rich,
You wondered what adoptive parents were told at the time of the adoption. I adopted one daughter 29 years ago, one daughter 26 years ago, one daughter 7 years ago and one daughter 5 years ago. The two younger were adopted at ages 11 and 12. The older two were infants. All are closed adoptions.
I was told the same for all four. They are your girls now. The birthparents will not know where they are. I was told they may want to search for information but they are your children. At least with the last two adoptions I was informed a little better about attachment issues and they may never bond. I didn't know about the hole in their heart that I will never be able to fill. My second daughter is the only child that is comfortable with who she is and does not want to search at this time. She is happy and content with us and feels blessed.
I wish I would have been more prepared and had more support from the agencies. They place children with you and then walk away.
Thankfully I found support on these boards from others who have experienced their child moving back with her birthparents.
I had to find my own support.

[love4]

Another thing I was told was that my daughter wasn't wanted! How ignorant I was. When I found out my daughter's birthmom was forced to give her up and telling her to forget and move on I was crushed. It hurt me to think my daughter was wanted so desperately and I had her. The agency deceived all of us. How sad. Like Jackie said, "how could you forget and move on?"

[Richard Justin]

Love4, your comments are exactly why I would like to see feedback from a survey such as S'okay is suggesting broken down by time periods. I would hope that ongoing improvement in training, preparation and honest information about circumstances would be verified, but I'm not convinced that's the case. I read so many stories on this site of deceitful practices back in the 50's and 60's and wonder if they still go on. I wonder if they were common-place or rare. I wonder if much has changed when I read about open adoptions that were suddenly closed by one party or the other in spite of signed agreements that apparently have no legal clout. Were all parties informed of that very real possibility? I wonder if all the buracracy that so many people struggle with is helping. And, like you, I wonder why on-going support is not part of the process. Maybe much of this information is available somewhere. I admit I haven't been actively seeking it. But if it isn't, S'okay, you've hit on a topic ripe for research.

Rich

[auntyvicky]

why not just broaden your servey to include all the people in the adoption dilema.Adoptees, birthmoms, sibling.aunt and uncles. At least you could get a bigger picture. And then your last paragraph could be the summation............Well just a thought. Good luck and i hope you get an A+.................................

[Lynn Barry]

Count me in...would love to participate...
I was told to forget the past..change her first name...even if she is five years old...I didn't...thought it would be too hard for her...was told to not have any contact with the foster family she was a part of those first five years...they never said anything about reunions...never mentioned it...I never thought about it until her teens and was all for it...
my email is tbarry3@rochester.rr.com...

[s'okay]

you say that you were all for it. I'm wondering if this is something that has already happened for you or not yet.
I was always "in favor" of my daughter 'searching' if that's what she wanted to do, but when it came right down to it, I found it kind of weird, especially when she wanted me to meet them. On the one hand, I'm curious, on the other, I guess I just wish it would all "go away". Anyhow, someone gave her the smart advice that she needent tell me about it everytime she meets with them....

[Lynn Barry]

s'okay...you hit the nail on the head...I think...most of us are okay with the whole reunion stuff until it happens...then lots of times our insecurities get the best of us and it is why we are here on this site trying to cope...very good...yup...you said volumes...
I corresponded with an adopted person who said the same thing...she wanted to find her b-mom but her a-mom was threatened by it all so the woman kept it from her a-mom so as not to make her uncomfortable BUT she said she wished she didn't have to...then when her a-mom died she felt free to see her b-mom whenever...complicated...any way you slice it...

[love4]

s'okay
Your feelings are mine also. It was o.k. until it happened. It was scary then. I didn't know what to expect and then she turned on me. She was all sooooo happy and she said she is the happiest she has ever been. How in the heck are you supposed to feel when you hear those words?

I too was curious and then at times wished it would all go away. It's hard...........very hard.

When I finally met her birthparents all my fears melted and I liked them both very much. But I didn't know where I stood in the family now. Was I mom? Could I feel like mom? Would they take over? Would I lose my daughter? So many questions.

Now my daughter is with them. All my questions are answered. I now feel like a babysitter. I really do feel like mom because I was her mom. I pretty much lost my daughter.

[Lynn Barry]

love4...oh how I can relate...I remember after my daughter went camping with her b-dad and kids (about ten months after reuniting) she said "it was like it was the way it was supposed to be" and then gave me a look that seemed to say...oops I said too much...

After she left without saying good bye to her husband and any of her adoptive relations and we finally located her...I asked her why she left and why she's there...she said...I am happy here.

In the last three years plus...she has had her ups and downs living where she is including telling me she had a restraining order against her b-dad's step brother (the father of her second child) and telling me her b-dad is not nice (like she thought he was)and yet she continues to choose to live there...

puzzling, but we have to go on...