[Kindreds]

http://www.centerforadoptionresearch...at egoryName=

Above is the link to the research paper on search conduted by the University of Massachusetts Medical School Behavioral Health Dept's "Center for Adoption Research"

Although not geared to aparents alone, it does cover aparents in a search and reunion experience.

[s'okay]

well, my daughter says that she doesn't feel like they are anyone all that special to her, that she "knows" we are her real family , including all our relatives, and I honestly know and believe that no one could take my place-- and yet..... there's this niggling place inside that is full of insecurity- not good enough... but for what?! for who? I think that if they met me, they would think I didn't do a good enough job with her. that they were sorry they gave her over to me..
I told her about this and she said- they wouldn't think that- it would mean that I (she) was a failure- and I'm not. they are happy when they see me, so they wouldn't think you failed....
she had a point....
why am I so insecure about this- I look at her myself and see how amazing she is.
some of it must be do to the way we brought her up at least.... and anyway, who are they to judge....
all of this just rumbles around in my head.

[love4]

I had tons of insecurity. Just knowing she was with the women who gave birth to her made me feel insecure. Her birthmom was the person she longed to meet for years. My daughter struggled with anger most of her life. She shut me out a lot. Always made it known that I wasn't good enough. One time she told me the reason why I couldn't give birth was because God knew I couldn't handle it! How could I possibly feel secure with those statements whirling around my head. Her thoughts of me went up and down. She loved me and I was the greatest one day and the next I was no good.
I know now she is struggling with her birthfamily. She is driving them crazy too. That is a mixed blessing. I feel comforted and at the same time I feel sorry for her birthparents.

[Lynn Barry]

some of my daughter's b-relatives have even said they are glad she got adopted because her b-mom was so strung out and into such violent men friends they know she would not be alive if she was raised by her...but that still doesn't make me feel any closer...her not being around is what makes me feel insecure...

it is like sharing your kid with their in-laws...the only difference is that the b-relatives are the ones with the blood and genes in common and we aren't...understand what I mean??? it is complicated...and yet simple...

oh...my...better look at that research...I'll be back...

[s'okay]

I just read the research. It doesn't really talk about the adoptive parent's attitude, except for the official "sure, go search, I'm right here behind you for support" speach.
It doesn't speak much about the insecurity we as a. parents feel when they want to find the "real" folks.

My daughter says that - look, she (b. mother and her family) see what a screw-up she made of her own family and "later- kids" why would they think I would have been better off with them?
again, she had a point, and got me to think.
But in terms of me wanting to meet them?
pure weird.

[Lynn Barry]

Except for my daughter's b-mom I have met most of her relatives. This WEIRD thing for me is that I saw them as outsiders and we were the family...I never would have guess I would be looking from the outside now...they celebrate the holidays and birthdays...not us...it is WEIRD, for sure...

[Kindreds]

One Adoptive Mother's view - I believe Colleen participates in these boards;

ONCE UPON A TIME

A letter from one adoptive parent to other adoptive parents

by Colleen Buckner

Once upon a time, a birthmother crossed an imaginary bridge with her
child
in her arms and placed the child in our waiting arms. She entrusted us
to be
loving parents and to honor and cherish this child that she could
not keep.
When our children became adults, it was our turn to walk back across
that
imaginary bridge with our son or daughter to the other side, where
their
life began.It was our turn to trust the birthmother and birth family to
be
there for our adult son or daughter when they reach out to connect both
of
their families, adoptive and biological, through them.

I always cringe when I hear an adoptive parent describe their adopted
son or
daughter as a "gift" from the
birthmother. A "gift" usually means something given freely and without
reservation. The majority of adopted babies were "entrusted" to us -
they
were not a gift! We were entrusted to care for and love this child that
the
birthmother was not able to keep because of family and social pressure
and
stigma. The
birthmother also loved and cherished this child that she relinquished
to us,
the adopting family. She was told that she was doing "the best thing"
for
her child.

"Search" and "reunion" are words that you probably never thought about
when
your adopted baby was placed in your arms for the first time. As your
son or
daughter grew and matured, did you ever think about the possibility of
search and reunion? I know I didn't. At least not until my daughter
brought
up the subject of looking for her birthfamily when she was 18 years
old. I
never thought about asking her if she ever considered searching for her
birthfamily.

I was the average adoptive parent. . .ignorant of the research by
people
like Nancy Verrier (as documented
in her book The Primal Wound); ignorant of an adoptee's need to claim
their
biological heritage; ignorant of what it felt like to be relinquished,
or
what it felt like to relinquish a child. I only knew the joy of
adoption. I
knew none of the
pain of relinquishment.

I always thought about my daughter's birthmother throughout her growing
up
years. At our daughter's first
birthday party, she was dressed in her lacy, pink dress with matching
ruffled panties and white socks and Mary Jane shoes, and I vividly
remember
wishing that her birthmother could be there to share in the joy of this
celebration. With each succeeding birthday, Christmas, dance recital,
first
day of
kindergarten, first day of college, and graduation, I wished that her
birthmom could be there to experience the accomplishments and
celebrations
of this beautiful and lovable daughter. Throughout the years, I always
thought to myself "she would be so proud of her."

As "good" adoptive parents, we told our daughter from an early age that
she
was adopted. We explained that while she was not born "in my tummy"
like her
older brother, she was born "in my heart." Since she didn't really
question
our explanation, we didn't ask her how she felt about that difference.
In
our ignorance we didn't take the conversation any further by providing
a
safe forum for her to discuss the "how-comes" of a tummy versus heart
birth.
In retrospect, I can see that we emphasized the heart experience and
didn't
elaborate on the tummy experience, even though both experiences
belonged to
her. This was probably because we
didn't know much about her birthmother except what the social workers
told
us at the time: that she was 19, unmarried, a
college student who felt that adoption was the best option under the
circumstances.

At 18, when our daughter did question us about her birthmother and any
information we might know, we offered to help her get information from
the
adoption agency. With a payment of $100 and a few months' wait, the
information arrived in the mail. We all read it over and discussed it,
but
since there weren't any names or addresses, it didn't seem that we were
any
more knowledgeable about her biological heritage than we were 18 years
earlier. The non-identifying information was put away, but went with
her as
she left to go
to college and grad school.

Eight years later, with her diplomas in hand and a new job secured in
the
city of her birth, the discussion about her birth family became a
priority.
Within a few months, we were able to find out her birthmother's maiden
surname. We spent days in the library going through old city
directories and
phone books and compared the names to the current phone books. There
was
only one last name that matched the name we had. Our daughter called
the
number one evening and her
birthmother answered. That was almost five years ago and now my
long-standing wish for her mother to be able to share in the joys and
celebrations of our daughter has finally come
true.

Being there to support my daughter in her search and reunion has
brought us
even closer as an adoptive family. When I hear that other adoptive
parents
are afraid of search and reunion because they fear losing their son or
daughter, I am not surprised that they don't realize that it actually
strengthens their relationship. I cannot imagine not supporting your
son or
daughter in their search and reunion anymore than I can imagine not
allowing
them to get their driver's license or go on that first date or leave
home to
attend the college of their choice. Why be afraid of more people who
will
love your son or daughter?

Adoptive parents have an additional parenting task to perform for their
adopted son or daughter then biological parents have. That task is to
lend
support to their child in their search for their birthfamily; this is a
part
of the process of their growing up adopted and feeling good about who
they
are and where they came from.

Search and reunion is probably one of the most emotional experiences
that
adoptees will ever undertake. An adopted person NEEDS the support and
approval of their adoptive family.
Provide a forum for that discussion. Bring it up in conversation. Don't
wait
for them to talk to you about it, for they may feel that it only hurts
you
to acknowledge
that they have "another family." Being supportive of their search and
reunion can be as simple as asking them to tell
you about what is happening and showing your continued love and
interest in
their search journey.

Adoptees often have abandonment issues from their original
relinquishment.
To feel abandoned a second
time by their adoptive family just when they are trying to resolve
these
issues through search and reunion is an emotional hardship. To ignore
or
discount the importance of their biological family feels like
genealogical
genocide
to an adoptee. If blended families are possible in families that
divorce and
marry new partners, then blended families are also possible in adopted
families.

Searching is not about adoption and it has nothing to do with the
quality of
adoptive family parenting.
Searching is about relinquishment and the search for self.

Colleen Buckner is a searcher and PACER board member. She may be
reached at
therighttoknow@yahoo.com <mailto:therighttoknow@yahoo.com>, at the
PACER
Website and here at <http://www.adopting.org/supports.html>

[s'okay]

hoooha. sounds great. sounds officiall. sounds high and mighty. But get real.

I was and am very supportive of my daughter's search, and helped her every step of the way. But it still feels weird to me to know there are others who can now claim her and get to reap the benefits of our hard toil and sweat with her.(they didn't spend sleepless nights during her rebellious years. we did) yes, she is entitled, yes, this is her family. but still, it's hard to be on the "other side" now. and no one can deny the total weirdness of knowing that your child now has two moms, and two families (plus her in laws) to call her own.
I love her and always will, and she will always be "mine", I don't doubt that. but there is still a strangeness , or "artificialness" about the whole thing. and after all these years, I don't believe that we are the "artificial" ones in the story.

[love4]

we know about the needs of adoptees to search. This is not the problem. If my daughter would embrace all of us I would have been able to eventually come to peace with it all. The fact that my daughter walked away from all of us is the REAL problem. It did NOT bring us closer. She is pretty much gone. I have supported her through my emotions. I never distanced her or made her feel abandoned. I wanted to know everything about her birthfamily. I wanted to meet them and I did. I liked them. We could all be friends but my daughter keeps us all at a distance. She is with them. She has chosen to disconnect from the people who loved and nurtured her.

I totally agree with you s'okay. I understand.

[love4]

I took all the abuse my daughter dished out because of her anger of feeling abandoned. I cried and laughed and was there for her in her hardest times. All her hateful words I took. All the anger she had at her birthmom was given to me and in return I loved her and understood and stood by her. What does she do? She walks off on her loving, caring family.

We were great babysitters. "Thanks mom for all you did. Bye"

[Kindreds]

There are all kinds of people in this world and I guess that's what makes it so interesting for us.

In raising my children, I became very possesive of them as they entered school and began to have lives of their own. They are now young adults with graduate degrees, not yet married but in relationships and I dread the inlaw thing. I try to focus on the roots and wings concept to get over these feelings. I did my part as a devoted mother, I have many fond memories, but I can't expect my children to always want to have me in their life the way I was in their life when they were young children.

I also lost a daugter to adoption and I know her mother must have these same kinds of feelings although she treats me with the utmost respect as I do her. We chuckled the last time we talked as my daughter does not have inlaws (although married) so that reduces the amount of people that are involved in the lives of the young couple.

I've found that I must focus on having a life outside of my children (both those that I raised and my daughter who was adopted). I believe that I am more than a mother even though this is a significant part of who I am.

[love4]

I do have a life outside my girls. I have a full happy life. My daughters can have other people in their lives who love them. It just hurts to have one say thanks for raising me and walk off. This is not about a child finding their roots and having many people to love. I talked with my daughter's birthmom a week ago and we would both like a relationship with each other (at least I think she feels the same as I). This is about my daughter walking away without a look back. As if the last 28 years mean't nothing.
I will be helping my youngest find her birthfamily in a year or two. I am supportive and loving and able to look outside myself to help my girls.

[love4]

Even if my daughter didn't walk off and was able to love all of us, there is still an amount of emotions that we feel and need to work through. They may be different emotions from others but they are still ours and they need to be validated and worked through. With love and support from others we are able to come to peace with the fears within.
I had all those fearful emotions and I understand. I want to support and comfort others until they come to that peaceful place.

[Lynn Barry]

love4...you don't need approval to grieve and feel abandoned like I do in regards to our adopted children abandoning us after reunion...it isn't about having more in your life than raising your children...don't let that comment make you feel bad...what we feel is real and it hurts and we need help and we are getting it...HUGS

[Lynn Barry]

Dumped
By Lynn Barry
Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Adopting an older child...comes with risks...

Had I known I'd be dumped by a child I raised...would I raise the child all over again? Hard question...Similar to loving someone and having them "dump" you, is how I have been feeling about my adopted daughter not communicating or wanting to have a relationship with any of her adoptive family any more. I feel sad, empty, out of sorts, and distracted at times. I feel rejected, dumped, and insecure. Perhaps that is how many people who are adopted feel in their adoptive homes... If so, I guess I know how that feels...now. I love my daughter. I miss my daughter. But I feel "dumped." I wonder if she realizes how she is making me feel. I wonder if she cares. I hope she's happy. That's all I can do, now...hope.