[Lynn Barry]

"No matter where your child is adopted from, you will, as adoptive parents, need to ‘deal with’ your child's birthfamily whether you know the birthfamily or not. This birthfamily is a part of who your child is. Open adoption allows you to know your child better by knowing his birthfamily."


I copied and pasted this from the section on this website about open adoptions...

I guess my hope is that more prospective adoptive parents understand this concept and prepare themselves for the reality of their parenting experience and that althought you legally hgave adopted someone else's child they are not your alone and with this comes situations that you need to be ready in your heart muind and soul to possibly have to deal with...wish I had be instructed about that instead of the

change their name
forget about their foster parents or having any contact

pretty much told to sweep the past under the rug and pretend there is no past...just your child to raise...

later BAM ... the past comes to the present and WAM...you are unprepared and left broken and bitter...

I also felt good about reading in the same section that this relationship is similar to in-law juggling...

I firmly believe that now after my daughter reunited...........

[Lynn Barry]

sorry about the typos...I will try to remember to read over my submissions before I hit "submit"...thanks

[Rowan]

Hi Lynn

I think your post is very sensitive, realisitic and sensible advice.

I am a birth mother of more than 20 years, and although I realise my child has parents and they probably rarely think of me, I never forgot and have the utmost respect and gratitude that they love him and care for him as I would have liked to.

I also realise that it may have been a nightmare for me never knowing where and how my child was all those years, but that my child has a right to know where he came from and it is natural that he may want to discover these things and meet those people and it may even be a deep need for him.

I have heard that some adoptive parents are insecure and afraid and even aghast that their children may meet their b-parents and family or want to know more. I can understand it in some ways if they have not been aware of who and what is really involved in adoption, or educated about all the things that can happen in the future. Indeed as a birthmother I too had to learn the hard way about it all.

It is important that everyone in the adoption triad learns as much as possible about the future and the far reaching effects and happenings.

It is important that the child never feels afraid to ask questions, seek answers or know about his/her biological roots and can feel comfortable sharing feelings with the adoptive parents and also gain much needed emotional support if they ever were to make contact with b-parents.

It is important for adoptive parents not to have this worry or fear as it is unhealthy and unfair to them.
It is also important they they know that their child meeting a birth parent or whoever, will never detract from the relationship between them and their children nor be a threat.



regards

R

[love4]

There is also the possibility that our children, such as my daughter can abandon the family. It happened. It has happened to others. My fears happened. It is a possiblity and adoptive parents need to be aware of this.

[Lynn Barry]

I agree with love4 because it happened to me...

ROWAN...wrote

It is important for adoptive parents not to have this worry or fear as it is unhealthy and unfair to them.
It is also important they they know that their child meeting a birth parent or whoever, will never detract from the relationship between them and their children nor be a threat.


not always true...


similar to in-law or step relations...sometimes people choose only one family and sometimes it is not the adoptive ones who raised them but the ones who gave them life and didn't raise them...

My daughter said to me SO manytimes that she would never not want her family (meaning the ones who raised her) to be a part of her life...but her actions are not saying that...it happens...don't worry about it? YES, don't worry... but don't be shocked and grieve and lose sleep for forever(like I did) if it does happen to your family...remember it DOES happen sometimes...it happened to me...but you can go on and be thankful you raised the child you did and have no regrets...just miss them terribly and wish they hadn't moved on and left you behind...

[love4]

I too have no regrets. I am thankful for my 4 girls. I miss my daughter too! It doesn't hurt as much any more. I do have my days though.
My daughter also said I am her mom and she loves me but I hardly ever see her or talk with her. It happens.
We need to be aware that these things happen. We need to be aware of the hole in the heart that we can't fill no matter how hard we try. We need to be aware of possible attachment problems. We don't see it when our kids are young. Everything is wonderful. We are mom and they are our child. They love us and we love them. We see it more as they grow older. I watched my daughter in 8th grade fall away from her peers and attach to older women. Searching for that mom she wonders about. She is torn with the people she lives with and the people she wonders about. It appeared that she was attached to us but now I wonder........................!

[Rowan]

hi again,

I am sorry that you both have had problems with your children making contact with their birth parents, and that things are not as they should be.

I think that the birthparents should take some responsiblity in this situation and try to ensure that the adoptee keeps contact with the adoptive parents and support and encourage them in doing this. I am always saying that adoptive parents should support their children in contacting their birthparents if that is their wish or need. Life is a two way street and it has to go both ways.

In saying all that... your children are adults and have a right to make their own decisions and still had a right to be encouraged to do what they needed to do even if the result was extremely unfair and uncalled for and very wrong.

Frightenening adoptive parents into closing their minds about future reuinion is not the answer and possibly causing them to discourage adoptees to search and make contact is not the answer either.

I dont know what the answer is to be honest, you both sound like very open and caring parents who were happy enough with the fact that your children may make contact with birthparents and its clearly not your fault this has happened.

Can I ask you both a question?

If you were to go back in time - would there be anything you would do or think about differently with your children and would you change your attitude re the reunion thing?

R

[Lynn Barry]

I believe in reunion...I would not do anything differently, if given the opportunity to do it over...I would still help my daughter find her b-relatives like I did...in sharing my experiences it is my hope that I might spare someone some heartache in knowing that this is important in to many adopted people...reunion, I mean...BUT with it there may be disconnection....be prepared...and maybe you won't be shocked like I was and am...just be prepared...that is all...I'm not out to scare anyone ...just educate...in my case my daughter was removed by S.S. and perhaps in some of these cases the b-relatives are not interested in encouraging the child they think they lost or was taken from them to keep in contact with the adoptive relatives...my daughter's b-relatives have proven they don't care about any one else's feelings...heck, they don't even care about my daughter's feelings...harsh, but accurate...and yet my daughter has chosen to live amongst the ones she looks more like...she has never been nasty about it just neglectful... and ironically, she was freed for adoption because of "neglect"...

thanks for asking...

[auntyvicky]

I know there all kinds of circumstances that prompt adoptions and all kinds of horror stories about birth families. But if they would pass a law where all children who were adopted be told at 18 and the birthparent or birthparents should have a family history and all information an adoptee might want to know (in the future) on file with the adoption agency. That way if an adoptee wants to look or know who what when and why??????/ They have it all there in a file and then they can decide for themselfs if they want to meet or search for their birthfamily. Im searching for my nephew born june 30,1982 in ok. city oklahoma..I dont think hes searchimg yet but i sent a family history with names, numbers reason for adoption and all the info. i could think of that he might want to know to the adoption angency. Just in case he wants to find us. At least he will know who his granparents and family are and a little about them. Adoption laws in my opinion were passed to protect the moms and dads so no-one would know of their secrets and sins...." Well i guess ive said enough. But good luck to those who search and god bless all in the adoption dilema...............Vicky

[Lynn Barry]

what a responsible aunt you are...HUGS


I told my daughter --when she had reunited and seemed concerned about my feelings-- if I had been adopted I would want to find the ones who put me on the earth, too...I would at the least be curious as to what they looked like and at best want to get to know them...

I still feel that way...but my mission to enlighten adoptive parents is twofold...

1)to understand the need and/or desire in adopted people to search
2)to prepare yourself for the possibility they might disconnect with you after they reunite

nothing scary...just realistic...

[snuffie]

Hi all,

I am a reunited adoptee who searched for many,many years.

I love my adopted parents with all of my heart and my reunion with birth relatives did not change any of my feelings toward my adoptive parents. For me it is a totally separate issue.

The need to find one's heritage is soul deep. There is nothing to compare with looking in the mirror after so many years and finally seeing where my round face came from, where I got my smile.
I feel a very strong connection with my birth family. But i also feel a very strong connection with my adoptive family. I believe it is possible to have very strong relationships with both and in a lot of cases to incorporate these relationships.

I also think that wisdom comes with age Maybe some of the adoptees who moved "to the other side" are very young and dealing with identity issues and other issues of their own.
Maybe some are still in the "honeymoon" stage with their birth families. I can only imagine how you birth moms feel.

In an ideal world, adoptees, adoptive parents and birth families could be one big happy family and it wouldn't be necessary to "choose" sides. I believe that this can happen more often than not. Maybe with time and patience it will happen for you.

Best wishes to all,
Snuffie

[snuffie]

Hi all,

I am a reunited adoptee who searched for many,many years.

I love my adopted parents with all of my heart and my reunion with birth relatives did not change any of my feelings toward my adoptive parents. For me it is a totally separate issue.

The need to find one's heritage is soul deep. There is nothing to compare with looking in the mirror after so many years and finally seeing where my round face came from, where I got my smile.
I feel a very strong connection with my birth family. But i also feel a very strong connection with my adoptive family. I believe it is possible to have very strong relationships with both and in a lot of cases to incorporate these relationships.

I also think that wisdom comes with age Maybe some of the adoptees who moved "to the other side" are very young and dealing with identity issues and other issues of their own.
Maybe some are still in the "honeymoon" stage with their birth families. I can only imagine how you birth moms feel.

In an ideal world, adoptees, adoptive parents and birth families could be one big happy family and it wouldn't be necessary to "choose" sides. I believe that this can happen more often than not. Maybe with time and patience it will happen for you.

Best wishes to all,
Snuffie

[Lynn Barry]

thank you, snuffie...so glad you found your roots and are able to have the peace you sought and relations with all involved...HUGS

[love4]

I totally agree with you Lynn. It is my desire to look at all aspects of adoption. It is a fact that some do what our daughters have done. I am not trying to scare anyone. Adoptive parents need to be aware and prepared. Had I been prepared it wouldn't have come to such a shock. We all think that if we love enough or do the right things that these things won't happen but it does. I know we are not the only ones that this has happened to.
Would I do anything different? Definitely not. Would I adopt again? Absolutely YES! I enjoy all my girls even through their struggles.
To snuffie: My daughter is 29 and she is no longer in the honeymoon period. Actually she is showing her true self to her birthfamily now and they are struggling with her. I will be here forever. Doors open wide but I am not standing at the door anymore.

[love4]

Yes, my daughter has every right to have a relationship with her birthfamily. She has every right to choose who she wants to spend her time with. She has every right to walk out on us. She has done just that. We have loved her and supported her and she crushed the hands that loved and nurtured her. That is her right.

On the other hand I have rights too. When she decides she wants us back in her life I could slam the door. Would I do that? Never, Never, Never. I love her and respect her enough to not hurt her in any way.

If I were an abusive parent I could see why she would not want anything to do with us. I was not. When she is doing o.k. she reminds us of how much she loves us and she appreciated all we have done for her. It's like, "thanks mom, you were great, goodbye!" Doesn't make any sense. Not a very kind thing to do to anyone.