[love4]

Not simple at all! I agree Jackie!!

[love4]

My daughter lives with her birthparents. So now she is in control.............finally. She didn't get to choose her parents (but which one of us did?). Now she can control who she wants in her life and who she doesn't. Or maybe she can have both. Her choice. She felt so out of control most of her years and yet she controlled and manipulated every relationship she had. She was angry at not having a choice. She is still angry and she chose. She chooses to be with her birthparents and she holds guilt over her birthmom's head. Birthmom can't be set free from guilt. How sad to be in control and hurt everyone around you. The people who love you. She is in control and yet she is not free. She loses the people she loves because she needs to be in control. Those who love her stand by.................watching. Soon they will have to stop watching because they need to be set free. They did everything they could. Nothing else to do. How sad to be in control.

[Jackiejdajda]

Melody Beattie wrote some amazing stuff about control..

Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps : How to Find the Right Program for You and Apply Each of the Twelve Steps to Your Own Issues
by Melody Beattie

Page 23 in the book..(Please note I am quoting from this book for purposes of discussion )

I cant control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they choose to interact with me, whether or when they choose to grow and change, and whether or when they choose to recover from their addictions..

Sometimes I can't control myself.

I'm powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I've accumulated. I'm powerless over my own and other people's addictions, including addictions to alcohol and misery. I can't control my children or other people's children. I'm powerless over results, life, circumstances, events. I can't control the course of relationships.

I can't control timing.

God, I wish I could control timing.

But I can't.

When I try to control myself by rigidly repressing my thoughts and feelings, I lose myself..

end of quoting from one of my favorite books..

Me.. I don't think we can control our kids either.. I know my daughter makes me crazy at times.. But I know a birthmom can control whether she is taken hostage or not.. Or (I guess) the aparents as well.
I think we need to get rid of our guilt.. And heck the birthmom trying to lay the guilt on the aparents is part of this..

Jackie

[love4]

I agree with you Jackie. I wish I could control my daughter's actions but I realize just how powerless I am to do that. What I feel in control of is my actions and how I respond. I can change myself. I am choosing to let go little by little. It's hard but it's a journey I have to take to be set free. I realize her birthmom cannot be controlled unless she allows it. She is controlled by guilt. I feel bad for her and I wish I could help but that is a journey she has to take. I feel bad for my daughter but she made her choice. It is scary to walk away from the daughter I love. It feels so wrong but I know it is right. I can't make her feel something she won't or can't. I do walk away but my door is open to love always as I have promised.
There is no anger for no one. Sadness.............no anger. A respect for each of the triad as we walk our journey............each in our own way.

Thanks Jackie!!

[Jackiejdajda]

These have been the lessons of my life..
Its the way I dealt with the guilt.. I thought I had control back then..Thats what I felt guilty about.. But I know with all my heart that what happened was meant to be.. Supposed to happen..
And its funny.. My bson totally understands..

Pray to God but continue to row to shore..

Or

Pray to Allah but tie your camel..

We need to do the work as well.. Keep working on ourselves so the negative (self defeating) thoughts don't keep coming..
You did an amazing thing love4.. You took that girl in when she needed a mom.. You took her into your heart.. I don't think she understands that yet.. I was mad at my mom for years.. All of it was her fault..
All of my bad stuff was her fault.. A child's way of thinking..


Jackie

[love4]

so true Jackie,
I remember blaming my mom when I had to have major surgery. I was angry at her for making me go through all I had to endure. My mom felt so guilty. She blamed herself for something she had no control over and I made it worse. When I matured I made sure I told her how wrong I was to hurt her so. I didn't blame her anymore. Like you said............a child's way of thinking.
It's important not to let our emotions control us.
Thank you for your kind words Jackie. I enjoy your posts.

[love4]

If someone would have told me the precious little girl I adopted as an infant would move in with her birthparents someday I would have not believed it. I wanted to be a mom soooo bad. I would have thought surely I will love this little one and meet her needs and nurture her, why would she want to leave? I would be the best mom ever. She would love me and I would love her and she would be my daughter and I would be her forever mom. The first few years were just that. The BEST! My little girl. I loved being a mom. She was beautiful. I cherished every minute. We did so much together. Who would have thought it would happen to me?

It happened. Shocked? Me too!

I have healed a lot and am moving on. Just want to be here for others who may experience what I have.

I want others to know what it feels like. Even if your adult child doesn't move in with their birthparents, reunion can be filled with emotions. I think I went through them all.

[love4]

Is it right to do what you want even if many are hurt by it? Is it right to not care that others are hurt? Should there be some compassion and understanding for those who are hurt.