[Rowan]

Hi

Lynne and love4

Snuffie had a point when she mentioned maturity which does not necessarily run in line with age, I think in time things may turn around, I know it is not much consolation right now. You daughters probably cannot see the wood from the trees yet, maturuty hits us all at different moments in our lives.

I wish you all the best and hope that things get better soon for you both, as long as your daughters know that the door is always open for them then it will be an easier turn around when the time comes.

Rowan

[love4]

thanks for your good wishes rowan.

[Lynn Barry]

thanks Rowan...ironically, my daughter at times has said...I can't believe you don't hate me...I don't deserve your love...these things were said after she reunited and left the area to live near b-relatives....I told her my love is and always will be unconditional...

[Frodolass]

We're still in the process of reunion and my son is only 14. The thing I would do differently if I could back the clock up 5 months is to wait to get some advice before I jumped into the thick of things. I guess my situation is a little different because my son is still a minor. We are now seeing a counselor, but I wish I had handled the whole situation with more forethought and caution. I'm glad that he is getting to know his birth family, but we've had to back off a little because of emotional stress issues.

[Lynn Barry]

Frodolass...My daughter was 21 when she came to me to ask for help finding the b-relatives...she never had an interest before that...but I always told her I'd help...don't know what I would have done if she asked as a teenager...you did what you thought best at the time...and are still doing that...I call that good parenting...give yourself a hug...

[InionGrinn]

Lynn and Love4, I feel such empathy towards you as mothers. I am an adoptee myself but also a mother...reading your posts has made me think of what I would do if one of my children left me to search out her 'destiny'. It seems like a rite of passage that happens, not infrequently, within the adoptive community as well as the non-adoptive community. I'mnot a bible thumper but remember well the story of The Prodigal Son...
Snuffie had an astute comment regarding the relative young age of your daughters that have run off in search of themselves and essentially abandoned you - I think it is important to keep telling yourself each day that it's not YOU it's their search for themselves..
Personally I have just started to slowly search but have not told my adoptive parents because I do not want to hurt them, I don't want them to think they didn't give me enough, I am not sure they will understand my need to search for ME and that it's totally separate from THEM.
Moms Lynn and Love4, you are wonderful angels. Your unconditional love is a testament to the depths of love us humans have the capability for. Keep it up. No one said love is easy. Just by being there, in the background, for your daughters to fall back on - whether they will call on you or not- IS helping them, IS making them feel safe, IS making them feel wanted, unabandoned, unconditionally loved that IS love, THAT is being a mother. Wait it out, stay the course.
Love, thoughts,
Chrissy

[Lynn Barry]

bless you Chrissy...bless you...and if your adoptive parents need support...send them to us...I DO understand that adoptees need to search...and I DO understand that feelings get hurt sometimes in the process...bless you and good luck...and THANK YOU

[Frodolass]

Thank you Lynn...you always make me feel so supported

[Lynn Barry]

I'm so glad...love4 and I have been holding each other up via emails for over a year and you can never underestimate the power of support during tough times...glad I can help...HUGS

[love4]

I also understand the need to search. I would too. It was scary for me in the beginning but I wanted to know. I have 3 other daughters and I would want to know if they ever search. I would rather struggle with my feelings knowing than find out later and feel so deceived. I want to be allowed to have my feelings also. Together we can work things out. Each of us having respect for the other through our fears and stress of reunion. I want to share that with my daughters. If they choose differently then I would work at standing back and waiting for the time we could share.
Lynn and I were not adoptive mom's who said no to our daughter's search. We supported. We just didn't expect to be abandoned.
My initial reaction was fear. thought I would be left behind and my fears came true. But I have three younger daughters and I would give them the same respect if they wanted to seach. I would support them afraid. I don't want it to happen again but if it does I will once again work through my grief.

[Lynn Barry]

I admit I was never worried... I never even thought about something like her leaving her husband and all her adoptive relatives like she did after reuniting...never ever thought about that...just thought it was necessary for her to find her b-relatives...it was a huge shock...like something that happens to people whose kids are kidnapped...never happen to me...never thought about it happening...had no clue it did happen...

[Jackiejdajda]

Lynn Barry wrote..I never even thought about something like her leaving her husband and all her adoptive relatives like she did after reuniting..

I would love to have a long discussion with your daughter after she sorts this. Its almost like she left all who loved her.. Or all who cared about her.. A clean break..
I know as a birthmom I was told to do this.. I was told I was capable of doing this.. Ha.. No way.

Can anyone comment on why she would do this?


Jackie

[Lynn Barry]

Some history...she and her husband were having the typical no money blues and when she reunited she met her b-dad's step brother who he also kind of raised...the guy is a few years older than my daughter and he wooed her so to speak...so it is even more complicated than b-relatives... she is actually living with and has a child by her b-dad's step dad and they live together with her halfsiblings and their mother...the b-dad comes and goes...the b-dad wanted her to move there...said he always looked for her all these years etc.....had her name tattooed on his hand and upper arm when she was little and he was in jail...did I say it was complicated...when she fled the scene this summer and came here for three days she was great...we had a wonderful time...but she kept saying it was hard and she missed her home and HIM...she admitted that she thought her b-dad was nice and found out he wasn't...she seems very attached to her halfsiblings...kind of acts like she wants to save them or help them...I don't know...because she left the same way...just left without any warning...when one of my sons tracked her down she told him it was too hard to say good bye...so she didn't...

I don't know if this helps...

[Jackiejdajda]

I think of the clean break theory in this discussion..
But there is no clean break..
There is no such animal..

It was so simple (some thought) in the fifties and sixties.. Take the baby away from the dysfunctional (according to them) parents and give the baby to the ones who are functional. (some not all)
And voila! Problem solved..

How naive that thinking is.. And we pay the cost.. You pay the cost..

Jackie

[Lynn Barry]

AMEN TO THAT Jackie...