[Trish F]

I have a 13 year old daughter that has known from day one that she was adopted and it was an open adoption only in that I met the Bmom 3x's then lost touch due to lack of interest on her side. My daughter has wanted to search on and off over the years and my things has been that Yes we will definately search but I want to wait till she's old enough to work through and understand all of the issues since they are so complicated. I'm thinking around 18-20.....I'd like feedback on when others have helped their children search or your feelings on the subject.
Thank you.
Trish

[love4]

My youngest is 16 and she was placed with me when she was 11. She too wants to reunite with her birthfamily. Right now is not a good time. The teenage years are so full of emotions as it is and it is a time of real struggle between parent and child. I told her for right now I want her to be the best she can be. I want her to concentrate on school and teenage things. She seems very mature in this area. She says she wants to get this over with so she can go on with her life. I gave her bits of information that I have and when she is ready for more I give her more to satisfy her needs. I told her when she is 17 we can visit the places she grew up (which she wants to do). When she is 18 if she still needs to search than I will help her. I do this because she is a wonderful survivor. She loves us and fits in. My oldest however who is 29 and moved back with her birthparents was not mature at 17. She was so angry and distant that if she would have reunited she would have left us instantly. Of course at 28 that is just what she did. Very immature and insensitive. My youngest is very sensitive to my feelings and I am with hers. I think it all depends on the child and their reason for searching and their level of maturity. I can't picture my youngest abandoning me.

[BrandyHagz]

There is no absolute time…it all depends on the child, really.

I know a number of very immature 20 year olds who couldn’t handle search & reunion/rejection.

I also know a number of teens that have totally explored their feelings, talked to people about them and have realistic expectations…

Have you asked her why she wants to search? What does she hope to get from searching? What does she hope that the outcome is?

Those are all very important questions that you should ask or be asking, especially if you plan on pursing a search while she still a teen.

If you elect to move forward with the search, it’s important that you lay down boundaries for both your daughter and her birthmom. Its also very important that you be there every step of the way…

I’ve “reunited” with my disinterested birthmother a number of times…one once as an adult…I think it hurt me far worse to be rejected by her now, than it did twenty years ago, when I was ten.

[BrandyHagz]

I have to say in response to the poster above me, reunion isn’t about the feelings of the adoptive parents…I’m sorry, its just not.

Adoptees should be respectful of other peoples feelings, but not at their own expense…that isn’t realistic.

It’s a shame that some adoptees forsake their adoptive families in exchange for their birthfamilies, but what you have to understand is that, for the most part, that’s their choice, regardless of how others feel.

It would be wonderful if the world was a perfect place, and everyone could come together and be a big happy family, but its not.

The fact of the matter is; the choice to search and reunite is the adoptees…what they choose to do from that point on (if they are an adult) is also their choice as well.

It would seem to me that it wouldn’t matter where your child was, or who he or she was with, as long as he or she is happy…because in the end, that’s what every parent wants.

[love4]

I agree that search and reunion is the choice of the adoptee and that is why I will help my daughter search. On the other hand I know information about her birthfamily that can be very harmful and dangerous. As her mom I need to make wise choices and not put her in danger. She came from an abusive home. Would I want to put her in that situation where an adult can overpower her into going back to that same situation and be hurt again?
I do have fear of losing another but that doesn't mean I would stop my daughter from doing what she needs to do. If it is important to her it is important to me. It is not my place to say no. It is my place as her mom and she is a minor to use good judgement.

[BrandyHagz]

For the record, I am talking about your older daughter, who made the decision to live with her birthfamily.

You can’t protect your child forever; you have to let her make her own choices, good or bad…

You aren’t putting her in any position; she is an adult, making adult decisions about her life…

[love4]

I agree with you. My daughter has made a choice and it is hers regardless of who she hurts. I cannot protect her but I want her to know that I am here if she ever needs me. If my daugther does indeed have a mental problem than I don't want to walk out on her. I want to be there for her. If she chooses never to speak to us again than that is her choice and I will live with that. I therefore have a choice to make. Will I be miserable and sad the rest of my life or will I enjoy the people and things I do have? That's my choice. I choose the later.
Thankfully my daughter has a good birthmom and is there for her. If I have done all I can think of to do and my daughter still chooses to keep us out than I will let her be. The confusing part is that she wants me to call and she wants me to be mom and yet she won't pick up the phone! I guess if I get dumped on long enough I will walk away. Guess I am not at that point yet. For my daughter's sake I hope I never get to that point because when she finally calls she may feel rejected once again but that was her choice this time.

[kalina87]

13 is a good age. If you say No to her now, it will show in her actions at school and friends. I honestly thing junior high is probably the best age because of that. That is the biggest turning point in learning about THEMSELVES at that time. Show some interest perhaps. At lame as that sounds. You don't want any kind of detachment from you at this point! Just be willing to communicate. This is a crucial time!

[love4]

Wait till you son is 13. You may change your mind. Teenage years are the hardest for sure. I felt so secure in the love I had for my girls. Until the search happened I wasn't prepared for what has taken place.

[Dianna]

IMO it totally depends on the people involved. My son met his birthdad and family hwen he was 12 and his birthmom and her family when he is 14. It has been fine. We have good boundaries and it has helped him feel secure in himself and his identity.

On the other hand, our daughter has had contact with her birth grandparents since she was placed and we have had to stop face to face and limit phone calls. She will not have visits until she turns 18 and then it will be up to her to maintain those relationships.

I think each case if different.

[NDN]

It all depends on the child and the situation. <I know, not very helpful, huh>

There is a bmom on this site (famwkids) that reunited with her 13 year old bd earlier this year and it is going splendidly. If she is mature enough, it could be beneficial to reunite sooner than later.

[famwkidz]

I am a bmom of a 13yr old that was found by Amom doing a search for Daughter she called me first and immediately she told me about daughter and sent me pictures via email which I was ever so grateful she said that Daughter would call when she got home from school and she did said hi and we both said we wanted to meet soon and did first f2f 2 wks later. With my husband not bdad and my 3 girls @ there home for 3 days it was great amom is very supportive and I have to say secure in her place as her mom. She said she considers me like daughters extended family.

And has recently let her come over to visit for 10 days over the holidays all in all my little girls love her she got them gifts that say sisters I thanked amom for this gift she said things to me like.
* who wouldnt want their child to have lots of people that love them in their lives.
* How would you like to have your little girl walking around with a hole in her heart.
*And the best one was you gave her to me her whole life I am secure and unselfish enough to let her visit a few days a year!

So it depends on the childs willingness, the Amom and her security to accept another person in child life, and bmom need to have that area revisited and maturity level of all parties including siblings and spouses.

But with all parties have the same goal for a happy child and complete future wether its visits or just questions answered is for the entire group to decide.

You can email me anytime for any other questions.

L

[joanne109]

[quote=BrandyHagz]I have to say in response to the poster above me, reunion isn’t about the feelings of the adoptive parents…I’m sorry, its just not.

It was my understanding that this Forum was created specifically for "Adoptive Parents Struggling With Reunion".

[BrandyHagz]

It was my understanding that this Forum was created specifically for "Adoptive Parents Struggling With Reunion".

Um, what does that have to do with anything? The reality is, reunion isn't about the adoptive parents - its about the adopted child and the birth parents...but that doesn't mean they should be left out...it means (in my opinion) that they shouldn't try to put themselves in a position to dictate what happens.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Trish,
I think it's really great that you are so supportive of your daughter.

I agree with the posters above, that it depends on the child. I'd like to add, that at 13, without having been jaded yet (or not as much as she may be by the time she is 18-20) she may be able to handle some of the tough stuff. I admit, I have NO parenting experience, so I know I don't understand all the ins and outs.. but I'm thinking of myself at 13-16 compared to myself after that age. (I'm not adopted, so I don't know how an adoptee would feel either). I was very interested at that age in learning about my family and I really think, looking back on it, that was when I was at my personal best as far as self esteem goes, and I think I really could have handled just about anything at that age. Not that I don't have self esteem now, but as I alluded to before, after 16 or 17 I did become a bit jaded.

I think if she's asking and it's really important to her, it would be best to advise her that things might get really hard, but if she is still sure of herself, full steam ahead. Of course, with the understanding that she knows if it's ever too much to ask for help from you and that no matter what happens, you do your best not to judge her bmom. I think even if an adoptee finds out difficult things about their birthparents and they are angry or hurt, adoptive parents have to do their best to be their and support their kids without belittling the birthparents. Which might be very difficult if your child is saying things about their birthparents and you want to join in. I'm sure it's difficult not to jump in and let them know they aren't alone in their feelings, but it's not really fair to the adoptee if their adoptive parents are expressing their feelings or opinions as well. I hope this makes sense...

I don't think there is any reason to delay reunion. If it is something that becomes a danger to your daughter, that's a different situation. But, if the birthmom is willing to reunite with her birthdaughter, and the birthdaughter is willing to reunite with her birthmother, that's what should happen.

I am sure it is a difficult and frightening process. Just keep in mind that if you don't allow her to do this or help her that she may end up resenting you and keeping secrets from you. I know not everyone feels as I do, but I want to know what's going on, I don't want any secrets, you know?

Good luck, and I would love to hear an update.