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  #1  
Old 10-13-2004, 05:42 PM
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Exclamation New Board for adoptive parents struggling with the reunion of their adopted children

This board is specifically for adoptive parents who have adopted children involved in reunion with their birthparents.

Reunification is an emotional time for all sides of the adoption triad, please be respectful of all members differing views and experiences. We are here to support one another through a potentially long process that really is never complete.

Pleae start by giving us a little background about your child, such as how old they were adopted, how long they had been searching for their birth family and any assistance you gave them. Please let us know how your child's efforts in reunification have effected your relationship with them and others.
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  #2  
Old 10-13-2004, 06:29 PM
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I am an adopted mom of 4 girls. My oldest daughter who is 29 moved in with her birthparents 1 1/2 years ago. She was placed in our arms when she was 4 1/2 weeks old. She always knew she was adopted and I told her if she ever wanted to search I would support her. Her birthparents found her. When I first found out I was soooo scared. I had so many emotions. Then the worst thing happended. She moved in with them. I felt abandoned, unloved, and scared. She would tell us she loved us but never would call or visit us. I met her birthparents and liked them instantly and wanted to be friends. There was no response. It felt like the three of them walked off without me. I have been sooo hurt. It has been an emotional time of ups and downs but I have been healing little by little. There is sooo much to tell but I will do so little at a time. I wanted this site because I know there has to be others struggling with reunion and could use support. I have met a couple ladies and we have been a great support for each other. I am hoping with this site others will feel free to find comfort from others who have been there. love4
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  #3  
Old 10-14-2004, 08:13 PM
Lynn Barry Lynn Barry is offline
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another mom bites the dust...

I stumbled onto this site over a year ago and it has saved my sanity...I have been email pals with love4 all this time and don't know WHAT I would have done if I had not met her via this site...
We had two bio. kids and adopted a five year old who had been in one foster home since six months and had had visits with b-relatives the first few years of life...I always said I'd help find b-relatives if she wanted me to and I did when she was 21 after she asked for help...reunion happened...then a year later she left her husband and went to live in the neighborhood she would have lived in if she hadn't been placed in foster care by the state...it has been over three years now since she dropped out of her husband's life and ALL her adoptive relatives lives...any contact has been spotty and although she has never been nasty about it she has just shown NO interest in maintaining any semblance of a relationship...my purpose for wanting to communicate my experiences to others is not to scare but to make aware...it IS not you...hard not to take it personally but in communicating with others in this emotionally charged situation where rejection and sadness and loss fill your world perhaps it might make it easier to if not understand at least cope with it...
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Old 10-15-2004, 03:30 PM
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Good to see your post lynn. I find comfort in being able to express my pain because I know you understand because you have been there. Sometimes I feel so helpless and sometimes I have so much strength. Sometimes I don't know what to do and other times I know exactly what to do. It's nice to have someone to share my thoughts and give me feedback. It helps.
I hope others who are going through similar circumstances can find comfort here knowing we understand. The emotional roller coaster ride sometimes becomes unbearable. My daughter may call and my hopes and excitment are high then she leaves our world and I struggle with abandonment. It hurts that my daughter is so disconnected. My emotions are not as intense these days because I am letting go little by little what I can't control and enjoying the things I have and the people in my life who care. love4
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Old 10-15-2004, 06:14 PM
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The saddest thing for me lately is that I don't feel anything...her lack of interest and the passing of time have left me feeling not much and maybe nothing...it is almost as if I never had her in my life...hmmm...maybe I never did...
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Old 10-16-2004, 04:29 PM
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As time passes on and I see my daughters actions I wonder if I ever had her either. It breaks my heart to think about but it seems so true. My heart can't break anymore. I am numb and then working through things. I am standing strong no matter what happens. There are lots of good things to enjoy in life.
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Old 10-16-2004, 04:35 PM
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lots of good things in life to enoy...AMEN to that...
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Old 10-16-2004, 04:43 PM
Jackiejdajda Jackiejdajda is offline
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May this new board be a place of healing..
I will look forward to reading the threads here..

love4 and Lynn Barry I am sorry things have not changed..

Jackie

Last edited by Jackiejdajda : 10-16-2004 at 04:45 PM.
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  #9  
Old 10-16-2004, 06:13 PM
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a place of healing...that is just what I hoped it would be...HUGS...and love...thanks
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Old 10-16-2004, 06:26 PM
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Thanks jackie,
I want to see others feel free to find comfort and healing on this site. It is much needed. I felt so alone when I first came to the boards because there was no one in a similar situation. I was left alone with my emotions. Then Lynn posted and a small number of others and I found support. My daughter was encouraged by her birthmom to seek therepy. She is still living there but she still lives in anger. Very sad. I want to be there for her but she won't let me in much. I think her fantasy is crushed. She thought things would be great when she finally had all her questions answered. I feel sad.
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Old 10-16-2004, 06:34 PM
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Maybe even adoptees whose parents are struggling with their reunion can encourage them to visit this site.
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  #12  
Old 10-17-2004, 12:46 PM
Jackiejdajda Jackiejdajda is offline
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Hugs right back Lynn Barry

love4 wrote..I was left alone with my emotions. Then Lynn posted and a small number of others and I found support.

I have recently been faced with looking at the issues of the birthmoms in open adoption.. I do not comprehend how that is..

But I sure can empathize.. The same with you guys.. But then I have raised two kids and I can feel a little of what it must be like to be just walked away from.. That must hurt like the ********ens..

This place attracts a lot of people.. and because there is no fighting I believe we can come to understanding.. Its what I am working towards these days.

Jackie
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  #13  
Old 10-17-2004, 01:32 PM
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I have given soooo much of myself to my girls. I have loved and cried and nurtured and given most of my time to meeting their needs in the best way I could. Being a mom was what I loved most. I cried inside so many days because I saw her soooo needy and so empty even with all I have given. Now that she is living with her birthmom she is finding she is still empty. Her fantasy is crushed. I am now getting a bigger picture but it DOES hurt to be abandoned.
I too am working on an understanding for all members of the triad. Now that I have nothing to fear because my worst fear happened, I am able to see things differently. I am able to accept things I never thought I could accept. Because I like her birthmom so much I am hoping to come together with her to help my daughter heal. I never thought things would be this way. But they are...............! I am lonely for my daughter but I can't make her want me. I am not even sure if she is capable at this point. Yet she doesn't want me to walk away. She wants to keep me at a distance to use when she needs me. That hurts.
Life is good for me otherwise. Many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to be a mom!!
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Old 10-18-2004, 11:38 AM
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Just as hard as it is for a birthmom to place her child in another's arms it is equally hard for us to let go of the child who grew in our heart. We had a different mindset back in the closed adoption days. It is hard and takes time to work through another way. We are fearful and it comes out many times with anger or distance or placing quilt. It is a way of fighting the new way. We do it out of fear. Once each member of the triad has worked through their fear than we can all relax and begin a different journey which includes all of us. Some may never let go of that fear and that is their choice. It keeps them in bondage. It hurts everyone.
I am past the fear because my daughter is pretty much gone. I dealt with every emotion imaginable. I am moving toward peace. I am pretty much numb right now. Sometimes I am angry, sad, feelingless and feelings of things will never be as they were. Sometimes I want to shake my daughter and say, "What's with you?" Other times I want to hug her and say, "Come home!" It's hard for us too!
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Old 10-19-2004, 10:35 AM
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Just as adoptees have feelings of abandonment and feelings of not fitting in, I have those same feelings. I wonder where I fit in now. Was I mom, am I mom? Sometimes I feel like mom and sometimes I wonder if I were a babysitter. I have tons of emotions going on inside too. I am happy for my daughter and yet the connection is gone. How can I feel happy when the connection is gone or is hanging by a thread? It's hard.

I am at a different place right now cause I am learning more about my daughter. She is now struggling with her birthparents. I feel bad she is stuck with so much pain. She makes efforts sometimes but doesn't have the strength to endure. I want to reach out but she won't let me in. I am seeing that this is an unusual reunion.

Just want to give insight into the heart of an adoptive mom struggling with a reunion. Hoping to bring support and understanding to others.
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