[new2us]

Hi. We adopted a 15 yr girl 11-4-10. We also have a 9 yr old bio son. We got along great and I felt we had started a great relationship. Over time, this has been declining. I don't even know where to begin. It was declining before summer but this was a bad summer. I won't get into all the background as I could write pages worth. I work from home and she was with me 24/7. She does have ADHD and does not know boundaries or self control. I was really crawling up the walls and any escape I could get to get away from her, I took. I also was not feeling good this summer and found out in the fall I was pregnant. We were a bit surprised! So I am sure my hormones are not helping. I am having a hard time being with her. She is very emotionally needy. I don't feel I can give her anymore. I feel drained. All I hear her say "I don't like this, that annoys me, I need this".
We started her with an old therapist of mine since she moved in. Right from the start the therapist thought I was crazy for taking on a teen girl and thought she needed to help me parent a teen. She states she is looking out for dd for in the future. She does not feel we will ever have that mother daughter relationship that I had thought I would have and I was a fool to adopt if I thought I would be able to. Every session she has pressed that I need to show dd what a family is and set rules and be a parent and not a friend. The therapist had told me early on that I need to prepare myself that dd will leave when she turns 18 to find her birth mom and that is when we will find out if we can have a relationship as dd will either stay with birth mom or see the light and come back to us. Sometimes we feel she oversteps our parenting as she will talk to dd about things that we feel is our decision such as cell phone, drivers ed, and lately contact with b-mom. Early on, the therapist told me she wants dd to feel she can talk to her and she will help dd get what she needs from us. I understand what she was trying to do but I feel I can't trust the therapist anymore. DD did tell my mom that she planned on living with her b mom when she graduates (she will tell us she will live with us forever to our face). I feel the more time I have spent with the therapist, the more walls I build up so I don't get hurt by dd. My husband thinks I need to still work on the attachment. He is concerned that once the baby arrives and what my relationship with dd will be. Frankly, I am too. I am afraid if it is a girl, that I will not ever have a connection with dd. I know what a difference my relationship with my son is vs dd.
I am not sure where to turn to. I used to go to a support group that focused on attachment through the adoption center we used. They are so for the child that I feel embarrassed that I am struggling and feel like I am the worse adoptive mom in the world as the other adoptive parents just love their children.
Do I listen to the therapist and protect myself or do I go back trying to reconnect with dd? My dd does know there is a wedge between us. I have found her journal with entries of how much she hates me. (yes, I know I should not be reading them)

[wcurry66]

It sounds like you're exhausted. needy kids have a way of sucking the life out of us.

Would it b possible to get a little "me" time?

[Howdy]

I assume the bmom is not a safe home, so I don't think you should give up on your daughter. We all need to be loved, but your dd should be able to get that from you so she is not tempted to endanger herself in order to get love from bmom.
It certainly sounds like you need a different therapist! I would agree the therapist should be supportive of your dd, but I don't understand why you would need to prepare yourself for dd to leave at 18 to bmom, that sounds counterproductive. Kids grow up and leave anyway, though generally keep bouncing back for years until they get economically independent.
I've read over and over that we need to fake it until we feel it. I would recommend you fake like crazy. Don't forget to express love with your eyes too. I'd read that and it helped alot with my daughter (and my cat too!), even if I was having to correct her I looked at her lovingly and I think that helps her not get so triggered into feeling bad about herself (when she feels bad about herself she acts very bad).
I think it is hard to do attachment activities with teens. To attach you should be laughing and having fun together and making eye contact, and moving, and I forget the other elements of attachment (I think there are six?). At her age you probably need to let her bring a friend along, and hope that you'll get a few minutes of attachment activities with your dd. Build good memories together.
In what way does the therapist think you are being too much like a friend instead of a parent? I thought parents of teens are supposed to gradually transition toward being like friends.

[eagleswings216]

As someone in the counseling field, you need to find another therapist. It sounds like she is causing more problems that you already are facing! You might consider a family therapist for you and your dd to see together. I think you probably have two things going on - one is normal 15-year-old girl stuff (saying one thing to you and another to someone else, being annoyed with everything, etc. - lots probably related to hormones) and then the adoption stuff. If you can, you may try to find a family therapist who is also knowledgeable about adoption and attachment.

[aspenhall]

Ditch this therapist asap....She's causing A LOT of the problems! And you should have firm boundaries and be the parent, but you should not be preparing her to leave your family at 18.

I second the suggestion to get attachment therapy and parenting tools in place. Also, you have every right to read her diary. You are her parent. She does not have a right to ANY privacy if she is unable to handle the responsibility. Too much independence will freak out some kids....even though they fight for it deperately. You are the mom, you know what she can handle. Also, start parroting positive language everytime she says something negative. Make her repeat the replacement positive phrase that you say to her. Also start parroting manners. Make her thank you for every nice thing you do for her. She will begin to see your value in her life and things will no longer go unnoticed. Also find ways for her bad behavior to benefit you. Give yourself rewards when she is disobdient. At the same time, find common ground in an activity you both can enjoy. Also, try to avoid telling her to NOT do something, just tell her what to do instead.

Hormones and transitions play a huge role. Adoption of an older child is very much like an arranged marriage. It will take time. Besides, what 15 yr old ANYWHERE acknowledges their parents as a positive thing in their life???? All of them wish their parents would disappear and leave them alone. Start finding things she does well, or does better than she used to. Point out her own progress to her. I also use to use the line "No matter where you sleep, I am still your mother and I still love you." This worked especially when she wished she had a different family, or wanted to run away, or wanted to be an adult already.

Check out the movie "White Oleander" for a teen girl's perspective on foster care and adoption. Maybe watch it together after you screen it for any problems.

Be clear about her goals and dreams for her own future, help her establish a path to reach them, remind her what they are when she gets off target. Keep reminding her your on her team, you're helping her achieve her own goals. Point out how good she feels about herself whenever she achieves anything. Make short term goals as well, weekly, monthly etc... Set out your expectations of her behavior, but only work on one thing at a time. Even if it's just for 2 weeks. Then move on to the next thing.

[new2us]

Thank you all for some really good suggestions. I feel I can "rewind" a little and start fresh without the therapist in my head and continue to do what my husband have been trying.
I did not realize anybody "faked" it. I am not a good faker but I will try it. For some reason, I do have a hard time with the eye contact. Sometimes when I see things that needs "correcting" I point them out but I feel I am then being critical. There are just so many!
At this point, the thing that holds me to that therapist is insurance. I am going to need to learn to edit her suggestions and go with my gut.
Thanks!!

[alys1]

Read a bit at these 2 links and see if they help. Adoptive parents with older children usually need *very* specialized help, including support for their own journey. These people are highly respected in my area, what they do works to help children bond/attach. The wrong therapist really doesn't know what direction to go in.
Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy Institute
Home

[alys1]

You could also ask these sources if they have referrals in your area.

[aspenhall]

"Fake it to Make it" is a simplistic name for a Therapeutic Formula to modify feelings.

First Identify how you would like to FEEL.
Then change what you SAY,
Change what you DO,
and Change what you THINK to mimic/reinforce what you want to feel. Eventually you will FEEL what you have been thinking/saying/doing.

It helped me to write a script of things to say and post on my mirror in my bedroom, then while I was calming down, I'd repeat the words. I also wrote everything I was thinking that was contrary to what I wanted to feel, and one by one came up with a replacement thought and as I caught myself I would replace the thoughts with a new more positive one I had picked out. Then I would set a schedule to show affection. I never said anything to let my daughter know it was a schedule, but at certain times, or after a certain amount of time, I would go in my room, prepare myself (my eyes) and then go show affection in some way. It seemed spontaneous to my daughterm, but I wasn't feeling it, so nothing was prompting me to show affection naturally.

Also read "Dandelion on my pillow, butcher knife beneath".

[Sunshiny]

You had adopted a 15 year old girl so what are your expectations? Most of her parenting was done in the 15 years before you became her "mom". Can I please suggest you look outside the box and not try to fit the "mom" role but the big sister, or caretaker role? You may build a life long relationship if you go that route but to come in at 15 years and expect to be the mom is being unrealisitic IMHO. Now as the years go by you may find she views you in the mother role, but at present that is a bit much to ask.

Take it slow, try to love her for who she is and build a lifelong relationship between you. Set boundries of course but make sure the boundries are not because you are the "mom" but because you are someone in her life who cares about her. As for therapy I am sure it helps some people but common sense should rule. You took this teenager in because you care and want to love her. Make sure she feels that and build a relationship that makes sense to both of you. You can never expect someone to follow your leadership until they trust you. Have you established trust with your daughter?