[elk134]

I just stumbled across this forum today. It has been what I have been needing! I felt like such an unfit parent for not falling in love with our two teenage kids placed for adoption from foster care. It is so great to hear others feeling similar emotions. However, I do worry because unlike many others who are afraid that if they say something about their feelings, "they" will come take the baby, I almost feel as if that would be a relief if the agency said we could no longer parent these children. The kids have been with us for 2 and 1/2 months now. I feel no better about them now than I did when they first moved in. Is this a bad sign? Or have others taken longer to even feel some sort of attachment starting?

I have sought professional help. I have been visiting a psychologist regularly for about a month now. Still no change in feeling though. We have a boy and girl-14 year old twins. I am okay with the girl, not attached, but okay. But I just am having a hard time even liking the boy, much less loving him. His quirkly behaviors are annoying and embarrassing in public. It is the type of behavior you might expect from a misbehaving toddler, not an almost grown young man!

The therapist had me start writing in a journal everyday at least three things I like about him or that he did that was "right" that day. I am having a hard time coming up with three things every day. I have told the caseworker and the rest of the foster care team my feelings even. I have not heard any response from any of them. Maybe they are hoping that if they ignore it, the problem will go away after the adoption- because in reality, chances of these kiddos getting adopted at their age are pretty slim. (Our adoption is not yet final. I legally could change my mind and have no repercussions for me and DH, however, I am pretty sure there will be repercussions on the kids. I think they would be upset and lose all faith in parents/the system, etc. I don't want that, but I don't want to feel this way either.)

Has anyone adopted older children? Teen age children? If so, how long until you found yourself attached? Was there anything you did that help you?

[Shelly77]

I don't have any advice for you but sending hugs your way.

[kretzklan]

Mine were not teens - but they were older (6 and 7) and it's hard. No other way around it. They are people that have whole histories without you...and you have little control over how they play out that history. Add to that mix the problems they brought in (and of course, there are some) and it's a hard road to hoe. I found that a lot of my inability to bond was based on purely physical sensations. Their smell was off to me. It sounds mean...but you have to have positive connections in order to have positive feelings. I bought them my favorite soap and body sprays (for DD) and made sure DS wore deodarant. That seems so dumb, I know...but it's easier to want to hug and be close to someone that smells good to you. We set expectations for behavior - and at 14, he will need to understand what is expected. If he acts like a toddler, than that is how he'll be treated. Toddlers can't have cell phones or video games, they can't go out with friends...etc. Some of these behaviors may be trying to get your goat - trying to push you away.
My kids have been home for almost 4 years and as for when I'll feel totally attached - any day now...
However, my kids have RAD and that doesn't aid attachment on either side!

[elk134]

Wow, kretzklan- Thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine being in your shoes. After reading that and your blog, I must say, I truly admire you. I just don't know if I could hang on that long with feelings like this, especially if RAD was thrown in the mix. Fortunately for us, we don't have to deal with RAD, but therapist thinks we may have ODD on our hands with both kids. Lizardman has done nothing but outright lie to us for the past week. He gets caught everytime, yet he still does it. Peacegirl has lied some, so I don't know if she is more truthful or just better at lying. I am to the point, that I don't even believe him if he says yes when I ask him if he has brushed his teeth. We are going to make him start brushing his teeth in front of us like a small child would have to.

He was grounded from his airsoft and paintball guns because he was shooting them in the house. So what does DH do? let him buy another one (with his own money) but with the stipulation that he can't even open it until he is ungrounded from the others. (What DH was thinking, I don't know, but that's another story) What does Lizardmand do as soon as we go to bed for the night? Open it, put it together and shoot in the house. So now that one is taken away. He was going to get the previous one's he got taken away back after a week, but now I think I will keep them for a month or more.

Anyway, didn't mean to go into another rant, but thank you again for sharing. I have heard of others who have had these feelings initially but became attached to their children. While, I certanly hope that happens for me, I am just not sure if it ever can when I am having a hard time even liking them right now. I guess only time will tell.

[aspenhall]

I heard that in a stressful situation (adoption counts!!!) these kids will regress back to the point emotionally where they first shut down at. He may look like a teenager, but emotionally HE IS A TODDLER and needs everything a toddler needs in order to progress past it!! Please to help him heal and grow up, he needs the same stuff you would do for a toddler. Take him through all the stages!! 2 and 1/2 months is nothing in the timeline of attachment! I just hit year 5. And still working on it.

And apply this to anyone else in the world:
"Who in their right mind WOULD easily attach to someone who isn't trustworthy?" Who would you expect to attach to a person who, lies, cheats steals, waits for the moment you aren't looking so he can take advantage etc...? Who is able to welcome that with open arms and not get hurt and be guarded? When someone is bound and determined to keep you out and themselves right at any cost, how do you let your guard down and feel all warm and fuzzy about them?"

Give yourself some slack. You're perfectly normal to have this reaction. Love is actions. The feeling is a reaction. It takes time to make it through all the walls that have to be built because of their behaviors. Play the part if you have to. Memorize the lines that need to be said, and watch for your cues. It will feel natural eventually. Then come over to the special needs board for ideas on ODD. It gets really fun when you are reacting the right way!!!!

[Rev320ratjat]

Originally Posted by elk134

I just stumbled across this forum today. It has been what I have been needing! I felt like such an unfit parent for not falling in love with our two teenage kids placed for adoption from foster care. It is so great to hear others feeling similar emotions. However, I do worry because unlike many others who are afraid that if they say something about their feelings, "they" will come take the baby, I almost feel as if that would be a relief if the agency said we could no longer parent these children. The kids have been with us for 2 and 1/2 months now. I feel no better about them now than I did when they first moved in. Is this a bad sign? Or have others taken longer to even feel some sort of attachment starting?

I have sought professional help. I have been visiting a psychologist regularly for about a month now. Still no change in feeling though. We have a boy and girl-14 year old twins. I am okay with the girl, not attached, but okay. But I just am having a hard time even liking the boy, much less loving him. His quirkly behaviors are annoying and embarrassing in public. It is the type of behavior you might expect from a misbehaving toddler, not an almost grown young man!

The therapist had me start writing in a journal everyday at least three things I like about him or that he did that was "right" that day. I am having a hard time coming up with three things every day. I have told the caseworker and the rest of the foster care team my feelings even. I have not heard any response from any of them. Maybe they are hoping that if they ignore it, the problem will go away after the adoption- because in reality, chances of these kiddos getting adopted at their age are pretty slim. (Our adoption is not yet final. I legally could change my mind and have no repercussions for me and DH, however, I am pretty sure there will be repercussions on the kids. I think they would be upset and lose all faith in parents/the system, etc. I don't want that, but I don't want to feel this way either.)

Has anyone adopted older children? Teen age children? If so, how long until you found yourself attached? Was there anything you did that help you?

In books about "blended" families, it is estimated that the "bonding time" will take 100% of the child's life when they enter the relationship with an unrelated parent. In other words, a step-parent of a 2 y/o can expect it to take 2 years, of a 7 y/o it will take 7 more years, in a 14 yr old, you can figure 14 years.

You may think that you are "done at 18", but you aren't, whether bio or adopted. Don't allow yourself to think that you only have to help them survive 4 more years. You will be committing your LIFE to their LIFETIME. You will be in a situation to give them life skills far into adulthood, to be there to encourage them, guide them, come home for the holidays, etc. You also will be responsible for any damage or legal matters until they are of age.

You really need to find some "attachment" books and/or seminars. An attachment seminar will give you many resources and put you in touch with others who struggle with these same issues. Also, even if RAD is not involved, you can see where 14 y/o twins who have been in the system any length of time have already learned some "survival skills". She is more apt to "go with the flow" and he is more apt to "test his boundaries" based on what you have said. SHE's not making any waves that you can't live with. HE is showing you what life will be like. YOU have to determine what's realistic for you and your family. While you can have "high expectations" of respecting property or persons, etc, you need to lower your expectations of them falling in love with you and you falling in love with them anytime soon. Teens come will special challenges. I have a friend on another forum who posts almost DAILY of the challenges of adopting a 17 y/o girl. She was born 17 years ago, she functions at a 12 y/o level SOCIALLY. Not mentally; mentally, she is very smart, lying, and manipulative. It's been a year. They are still struggling and learning and getting thru every day. They don't have other children, and focus all their energies on her alone. It can be tiring, frustrating, and still rewarding at times.

PLEASE DO NOT LET CPS PUSH YOU INTO COMMITING BEFORE YOU ARE CERTAIN 1000% that you can and will commit to ANY unknown, unexpected, unreported, "no one told me" type of behavior. If you cannot, you are doing them a disservice by adopting them. The only thing worse than a disrupted placement is a failed adoption. Have you seen this? They adopted an 8 y/o that had been in care for 3 years w/o counseling. Now they want a law to be able to "give him back" to the state because they weren't told of his behaviors. So sad for the child. Hard on the parents.

Tulsa World: Couple say adopted son beyond their help


I don't want to discourage you, but I have seen too many adoptive parents get in foster care in order to adopt an older child, whose heart wants to share their love and family with them, but when those children don't meet their idea of "family", it hurts all involved. If CPS is rushing you, they know something that you don't. TAKE YOUR TIME and make sure you are able to handle all that MIGHT come. Good luck to you!!!