[elk134]

I just stumbled across this forum today. It has been what I have been needing! I felt like such an unfit parent for not falling in love with our two teenage kids placed for adoption from foster care. It is so great to hear others feeling similar emotions. However, I do worry because unlike many others who are afraid that if they say something about their feelings, "they" will come take the baby, I almost feel as if that would be a relief if the agency said we could no longer parent these children. The kids have been with us for 2 and 1/2 months now. I feel no better about them now than I did when they first moved in. Is this a bad sign? Or have others taken longer to even feel some sort of attachment starting?

I have sought professional help. I have been visiting a psychologist regularly for about a month now. Still no change in feeling though. We have a boy and girl-14 year old twins. I am okay with the girl, not attached, but okay. But I just am having a hard time even liking the boy, much less loving him. His quirkly behaviors are annoying and embarrassing in public. It is the type of behavior you might expect from a misbehaving toddler, not an almost grown young man!

The therapist had me start writing in a journal everyday at least three things I like about him or that he did that was "right" that day. I am having a hard time coming up with three things every day. I have told the caseworker and the rest of the foster care team my feelings even. I have not heard any response from any of them. Maybe they are hoping that if they ignore it, the problem will go away after the adoption- because in reality, chances of these kiddos getting adopted at their age are pretty slim. (Our adoption is not yet final. I legally could change my mind and have no repercussions for me and DH, however, I am pretty sure there will be repercussions on the kids. I think they would be upset and lose all faith in parents/the system, etc. I don't want that, but I don't want to feel this way either.)

Has anyone adopted older children? Teen age children? If so, how long until you found yourself attached? Was there anything you did that help you?

[Shelly77]

I don't have any advice for you but sending hugs your way.

[kretzklan]

Mine were not teens - but they were older (6 and 7) and it's hard. No other way around it. They are people that have whole histories without you...and you have little control over how they play out that history. Add to that mix the problems they brought in (and of course, there are some) and it's a hard road to hoe. I found that a lot of my inability to bond was based on purely physical sensations. Their smell was off to me. It sounds mean...but you have to have positive connections in order to have positive feelings. I bought them my favorite soap and body sprays (for DD) and made sure DS wore deodarant. That seems so dumb, I know...but it's easier to want to hug and be close to someone that smells good to you. We set expectations for behavior - and at 14, he will need to understand what is expected. If he acts like a toddler, than that is how he'll be treated. Toddlers can't have cell phones or video games, they can't go out with friends...etc. Some of these behaviors may be trying to get your goat - trying to push you away.
My kids have been home for almost 4 years and as for when I'll feel totally attached - any day now...
However, my kids have RAD and that doesn't aid attachment on either side!

[elk134]

Wow, kretzklan- Thank you so much for sharing. I can't imagine being in your shoes. After reading that and your blog, I must say, I truly admire you. I just don't know if I could hang on that long with feelings like this, especially if RAD was thrown in the mix. Fortunately for us, we don't have to deal with RAD, but therapist thinks we may have ODD on our hands with both kids. Lizardman has done nothing but outright lie to us for the past week. He gets caught everytime, yet he still does it. Peacegirl has lied some, so I don't know if she is more truthful or just better at lying. I am to the point, that I don't even believe him if he says yes when I ask him if he has brushed his teeth. We are going to make him start brushing his teeth in front of us like a small child would have to.

He was grounded from his airsoft and paintball guns because he was shooting them in the house. So what does DH do? let him buy another one (with his own money) but with the stipulation that he can't even open it until he is ungrounded from the others. (What DH was thinking, I don't know, but that's another story) What does Lizardmand do as soon as we go to bed for the night? Open it, put it together and shoot in the house. So now that one is taken away. He was going to get the previous one's he got taken away back after a week, but now I think I will keep them for a month or more.

Anyway, didn't mean to go into another rant, but thank you again for sharing. I have heard of others who have had these feelings initially but became attached to their children. While, I certanly hope that happens for me, I am just not sure if it ever can when I am having a hard time even liking them right now. I guess only time will tell.