[myForeverkids3]

Why am I up at 1:30am bawling my eyes out about our infant adoption? Well, I watched the MTV show 16 and Pregnant and then got on another message board to see what people thought. Well, they thought the adoptive mom was heartless and coercive. They thought that the agency was unethical. They thought that the young couple should have kept the baby. After reading all this, all of my guilt feelings came back. Why do I feel like I have to defend myself? I know intellectually that I did nothing wrong. My baby's bparents were certainly not coerced, but still I feel guilt that I have "their" baby. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I had to take someone else's baby in order to become a mommy. The pain is unbearable and I feel so angry at all these birthmoms beating us adoptive moms up as if we hold some type of responsibility for their situation. i think I just need to quit reading their posts, but I want to stick up for adoptive parents. I didn't do anything wrong. Why do I feel so much guilt?

[RavenSong]

I'm glad I didn't watch this episode...I had a feeling it was going to be a doozy from the previews.

I think maybe some of the feelings you're experiencing right now are pretty normal. I know I've read threads from other amoms struggling with the same sadness and guilt, especially in the first year or so of bringing their babies home.

Adoption is a complex thing -- it involves great loss, pain, joy, fulfillment, love, the whole gamut of human experience. It's not all roses and sunshine, but neither is it all suffering and pain.

You've done nothing wrong. I'm certain you didn't create whatever situation it was that caused your baby's birth mother to make an adoption plan. The best thing you can do, IMHO, is to be the very best mommy you can be to your little one, to love your son or daughter with all your heart, no matter what happens in life. That is what I'd wish for if I were your baby's birth mother.

Also, you might want to consider just not participating at the other site. You don't need to defend adoptive parents...you're not going to change their minds, especially if it's an anti-adoption site. A lot of people when they're in pain lash out in anger. That might be what's happening on the other boards...

[TxMom65]

I cried too when I was watching that show. I wanted to adopt the birthparents!

I never forget that the best thing that happened to me was the worst thing that happened to someone else. I don't dwell on it but I appreciate the fact that there is loss involved. Maybe you are grieving yourself. I agree that being the best mom you can be is what you are supposed to do. Don't let the rest of it get you off track.

[Jillalan]

I'm sorry that you feel as though you need to defend aparents. This is a topic that I've thought about for a long time.

It really does feel (sometimes) that it's 'them against us', when it should be Doing what is best for the child foremost.

There should be respect for both aparents and bparents. It is not cut and dried, black and white and not all parents (whether birth or adoptive) are perfect - but nor are all monsters.

Do I feel this breach will be healed, probably not, but I don't like to see EITHER parent bashed.

I didn't watch the program you refer to either. What annoys me about these shows is that it is written for the drama, for RATINGS, to get a huge response so that people will remember it and watch more.

This is IMHO - and I really do hurt when I see parents - regardless of the 'prefix' suffering for whatever the reason.

[Dickons]

Raven said it far better than I could...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jensboys]

I think the other site that the op is referring to is ANYTHING but an "anti" adoption site ... but apparently the episode was very triggering for many first parents watching. For example, the social worker was kicking out the familiy of the babies parents within 5 hours of birth so that the adoptive parents could spend time with the baby. There was an extreme lack of understanding on the part of the amom in this situation of what the first parents were giving up - SHE was getting A BABY ... that was her focus, not on them and their loss of their daughter (apparently in the episode that was not touched on). Openness wasnt talked about or anything agreed on, the aparents were at the hospital etc, etc, etc, All the sorts of things that people consider coercion.

To the original poster -- you can only be responsible for your own actions. I went through that phase too -- there are REALLY crappy aparents, and you need to advocate for change on behalf of all future children adopted, but at the same time you can only feel RESPONSIBLE for your own relationship with your own child and their first family. We can fight for transparency in adoption, we can fight for laws to change to ensure that adoption is about finding a FAMILY for a baby that needs it rather than about finding a BABY for a family that needs it, we can ensure that our relations with other adoptive parents is about advocating for ethical adoptions and educating when we can.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by myForeverkids3

Why am I up at 1:30am bawling my eyes out about our infant adoption? Well, I watched the MTV show 16 and Pregnant and then got on another message board to see what people thought. Well, they thought the adoptive mom was heartless and coercive. They thought that the agency was unethical. They thought that the young couple should have kept the baby. After reading all this, all of my guilt feelings came back. Why do I feel like I have to defend myself? I know intellectually that I did nothing wrong. My baby's bparents were certainly not coerced, but still I feel guilt that I have "their" baby. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I had to take someone else's baby in order to become a mommy. The pain is unbearable and I feel so angry at all these birthmoms beating us adoptive moms up as if we hold some type of responsibility for their situation. i think I just need to quit reading their posts, but I want to stick up for adoptive parents. I didn't do anything wrong. Why do I feel so much guilt?

I had many of the same guilt feelings following our first adoption, mostly because it was then that I started to explore and participate in multi-perspective conversations on adoption. I was pretty naive the first time around. Thankfully I was surrounded by adoption workers (both for us and for our dd's other mom) who were loving and respectful to all sides, who made sure that DD's mom got every opportunity to make the decision she needed to make. I felt quite guilty after the fact because I wasn't prepared for her grief (or even my own) as much as I should have probably been. But I can't change that. All I could do when those feelings erupted was to make sure I explored my role in the adoption... was I the person I needed to be for DD's other mom? Was their anything that I could change? In the end, through conversations we discovered things we could have done better and when we chose to proceed with a second adoption, we made different decisions in some areas.

But guilt is only REAL if you did something wrong. And if you didn't do anything wrong, then there is nothing to defend and nothing to feel guilty about. If you find there are things you could have done differently, then choose differently if you get a chance. This decision made me fiercely protective of DS's other mom during the time in the hospital. Because of what I had learned, we became her advocates because others wouldn't. We wanted her to have every chance to parent if she chose. It was the hard thing to do, but the right thing to do.

One of the unique things about adoption... it happens rarely outside of adoption is that one person's joy comes to pass as a result of another person's loss. I wish more families waiting to adopt would grasp that fully before ever entering into an relationship centered on adoption. I wish I would have grasped it better the first time. It really makes you think about what you're doing and imo, would eliminate paparents llike the ones described from this show. There would be no sense of entitlement, rather that of privilege to be a part of the situation at all.

I don't know your situation. If you know you did what you needed to do to make your situation happen in the healthiest way possible, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. And, in the end, I don't think you should ever have to feel obligated to defend adopting/adoptive parents ever. You may both come to your family through the same avenue, but you aren't making their decisions. If the potential adopting family on this show acted as described (it has premiered here in Canada yet) then I can't imagine there is anything to defend.

I've gone on and on (sorry about that!) but in the end for me it comes down to this... the only thing I can do is do what I was asked to do, and that is to parent the specific children that I was asked to parent. And to accept the privilege with awe. And not worry as much about everyone else. I know that I didn't create the situations that made the first parents of my children consider adoption. I feel like I was a part of the solution to how their children would be parented.

[aspenhall]

Guilt wasn't the right word for me....
Empathy was.....I can't be a party to suffering without feeling it myself. Even if I didn't cause it, to just see it...and know that my actions played a part is really too much for me to bear.

Even if a person has done horrid abusive things to me....When I decided to cut my mom out of my life, it really hurt her....I had to out of self preservation...but even though she was abusive to me my whole life, my heart is broken knowing she's in pain. Even though she does her best to make me miserable, and destroy my hope or hapiness...I still hurt inside to play a part in her pain. Sure it was her choice to treat me that way, and yes she was warned my entire life, and no I'm holding firm and not caving to the pain....But even in this extreme circumstance I can't bring myself to just be ok with her misery.

That's why our adoption works pretty well. A's bmom has pretty severe emotional issues that pretty much made it impossible for her to be A's parent, and she knew it. The adoption was a relief for her, and she's only been upset by the lack of guilt and pain she felt. She's genuinely happy that she placed A. She's genuinely relieved that she isn't A's parent. And having an open adoption only blesses us all.

[myForeverkids3]

I think what has brought me down so much is that I have had several interactions lately with bmoms on the other boards (which are in no way anti-adoption except maybe 1 poster) Things like: amoms should have to witness a bmom in the delivery room before they adopt.(I guess that's my punishment for adopting) I never expected to be met with such anger and judgement. "entitlement" is a word they use over and over again about aparents. I NEVER felt that way!

Overall, I think I have learned a lot and seen many different views. I absolutley will help educate people about adoption.

[RavenSong]

Since I'm not familiar with whatever site you're visiting, I can't really help explain the dynamics of what is going down between you and the birth mothers. Is it possible that the ones who are so angry have not had very positive experiences in the whole relinquishment/adoption process?

Not all adoptive parents are the same, just as all birth mothers are not the same. While I prefer to believe that most aparents are ethical and caring towards their children's birth parents, I know that this isn't the case 100 percent of the time. The same goes for birth mothers. While I believe that the vast majority of birth mothers relinquish their children out of love and out of a desire for their babies to have better lives than they can provide them, I know that there are some women who are unethical and who aren't doing it for the child.

As far as the delivery-room remark, that one has me puzzled. Perhaps they believe that if aparents witness the pain, joy, love, and loss that happens during the childbirth process and hospitalization period, then the aparents would have more empathy towards the birthmom. Personally, I'm glad that option wasn't available back in the '70s when I relinquished my son. (Not to say that I don't enjoy hearing the positive experiences that many aparents and bparents share nowadays during the birth process. It's just that I don't think I would have felt very comfortable dealing with his parents in the hospital.)

I think it always helps each side of the triad to hear the experiences, viewpoints, and feelings of the other sides. But there's a difference between educating and defending, I think. I know that if I go on defensive mode, a thread can quickly go downhill. People start feeling attacked, judged (yep, birthmoms experience the judgmental attitudes too, just like amoms do), marginalized, and misunderstood. Communicating what we really mean is just plain hard some of the time.

[hrisme]

OK, so once I got over the fact that they actually have such a TV show (I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at anything these days, but apparently it's still possible) I had to look up the site & see for myself what it's about. I would refer those "naysayers" to the following quote from 'Catelynn":

<<In fact, I am a mom even though I'm not raising Carly. But while I may be Carly's mom, I'm not her parent. The most challenging thing was having to say goodbye to my daughter. My words of advice to other teenagers in my position is to put that baby before yourself and not be selfish. Remember that an innocent child did not ask to be brought into this world and didn't choose their parents, so make sure to deliver them the absolute best care you can.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it... IT IS GOING TO BE THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO... but always remember that whatever does not kill you will make you stronger. Keep your head up and be the parent that your baby deserves. That baby is counting on you to make the right decisions for them. Remember that the baby is the most important thing in this whole world, and that's all that matters. It's not what you want but what's best for your child.>>

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by hrisme

I would refer those "naysayers" to the following quote from 'Catelynn":

<<In fact, I am a mom even though I'm not raising Carly. But while I may be Carly's mom, I'm not her parent. The most challenging thing was having to say goodbye to my daughter. My words of advice to other teenagers in my position is to put that baby before yourself and not be selfish. Remember that an innocent child did not ask to be brought into this world and didn't choose their parents, so make sure to deliver them the absolute best care you can.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it... IT IS GOING TO BE THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO... but always remember that whatever does not kill you will make you stronger. Keep your head up and be the parent that your baby deserves. That baby is counting on you to make the right decisions for them. Remember that the baby is the most important thing in this whole world, and that's all that matters. It's not what you want but what's best for your child.>>

How old is Catelyn's baby? I hear this and it sounds like all the propaganda that some adoption "professionals" heap on expectant parents. It also assumes that all teen-age mothers are not going to be the best parent for their baby. It makes me sad. She might have been a really good mother.

[julie23]

Empathy was.....I can't be a party to suffering without feeling it myself. Even if I didn't cause it, to just see it...and know that my actions played a part is really too much for me to bear.

there is a lot of value in what you are feeling and going thru right now. your baby will be blessed by the empathy you feel for his birthmother. i think adoptive mothers that feel deeply for the birthmothers pain... become mothers who honor their baby by raising the baby in a home that is loving, kind, compassionate and empathetic towards the baby's birthmother... i think this is a priceless gift to give to a child that was adopted.

How old is Catelyn's baby? I hear this and it sounds like all the propaganda that some adoption "professionals" heap on expectant parents. It also assumes that all teen-age mothers are not going to be the best parent for their baby. It makes me sad. She might have been a really good mother.

i agree.... how many times was i told "If you really LOVE your baby, you will do the right thing and place her for adoption."

i think i was told some version of everything in this young lady's quote.

[aspenhall]

Originally Posted by julie23

there is a lot of value in what you are feeling and going thru right now. your baby will be blessed by the empathy you feel for his birthmother. i think adoptive mothers that feel deeply for the birthmothers pain... become mothers who honor their baby by raising the baby in a home that is loving, kind, compassionate and empathetic towards the baby's birthmother... i think this is a priceless gift to give to a child that was adopted.

It was a more extreme dynamic from the start, because we didn't adopt an infant. she was almost 4 when she came to live with us. The bmom had tried to parent for that long and it just wasn't working out. And my dd already had a relationship with her bmom and memories that she will never forget. Sometimes I wish we had had her from birth, but mostly I appreciate the blessing that she really knows her birthmom as her mom. She really had very little grief, because in an open adoption, she didn't lose as much as she would have in a closed adoption. Life wasn't great for her during those 4 years. So she was mostly happy about a new family. The real struggles were the guilt and disloyalty feelings. It took until she was 5 or so to understand that no one expected her to choose a favorite. That loving her bmom more at sometimes, and me at others was natural. Once she accepted that and knew we were all ok with it, she really was able to quit stressing and just be a kid. Also, both my dd and her bmom haven't had a face to face visit yet. Both claim to not be ready for the emotions. I'm more than ready and having her really close right now is really tough. I would love to have her stay with us for a week. But we don't even speak on the phone, even that is too much for her right now. So, emails it is! And I save and cherish everyone of them.

[jp4ga]

I did not watch the show an do not plan on watching the show. You should not feel guilty about your adoption if everything was done in a legal and caring manner.

As far as other borads, I don't visit very many of them because as an Aparent I see attacks on us. We are kidnappers, haters, rich people who can steal babies out of the arms of loving mothers and worse. I am none of these things. Several weeks ago I read a post here that ticked me off it said "I will be glad when her amom dies." Wow. I could not get away with posting that about my dd bmom here, I would be attacked to no end. No one even responded to this statement, it was like I was the only one who read it. I had to calm down and remember that it was not directed at all Amoms, it was directed at one particlar Amom and I don't know the entire story that makes the Bmom feel that way, and I don't need to know it. I just had to remember she was not wishing I were dead.

I think we need to remember that there are those who Choose Adoption and those who were Forced to place. I disreguard most ugly statements made by those who were forced to place, because I know they are not directing their feelings at me. They are directing them at those who participated in the age of force adoptions. Just like when I say something negative about the bmom of my child it is about the bmom of my child not ALL bmoms. It is a stormy sea we try to ride with adoption. You have to FILTER and not take things personally.