[Dickons]

Originally Posted by manni28

P.S. I tresure family and children too, but I refuse ( minus sickness or death) to help my child raise their baby due to their irresponsible actions.

-MANNI

Manni,

Your quote above is incredibly sad. Your child's child is not your grandchild only their child? How can that be?

Regards,
Dickons

[Jensboys]

I cannot imagine ... CANNOT IMAGINE feeling that calous about my grandchild. Even if my child chose not to parent - I would be heart broken and offer any sort of support in order that my grandchild would not be lost to us. My parental responsibility does not end with one generation, but I think i have a connection to my children THROUGHOUT the generations. My grandmother was a huge, MASSIVE part of my life -- she was my family too.

[julie23]

its all indivual..if the grandparents are warm and loveing and able to help it is in the best interst of the child to stay with that family, its in the best interst of the family to not lose that new family member. If in fact they do have an attiudes such as yours then it may be in the best interest to have that child placed....but then there are the consquenses of the pain of mom, dad, grandparents , cousins feeling a loss..and oh ya....the little one loses the chance to be raised in biological family.

dpenn... this statement truly brought tears to my eyes...

i have only this last week been overwhelmed with thoughts of how placing my first born has affected not only me, but my raised children... and their children...

my daughters have an older sister... "somewhere"

their children... will have an auntie... "somewhere"

their children... will have cousins... "somewhere"

the gaping hole left in our family by placing does in fact, cause pain for generations... a loss my daughters had nothing to do with... yet they have to grieve.

and from the other side of the equation... my youngest daughter... well...

she has birth siblings... "somewhere"

she has birth aunts... "somewhere"

she has birthgrandparents... birth cousins... all out there... "somewhere"

the degree of loss is monumental.... and often overwhelming.

I was one of those of those selfish teenagers... who put my parents in the position of having to say "no.. we will not help you... you will be homeless.... you will have no support from this family."

and my family is broken.... for generations to come. I would have given anything to have had parents who could have forseen the degree of pain, grieving, and loss that was in store for our whole family... that could have put aside my "sin"... my "betrayal" of the family rules...

but they learned..... now faced with a granddaughter experiencing an unplanned pregnancy... they will do everything they can to support and help her... and this baby is their GREAT-grandchild....

they will have no part in repeating their mistake of 23 years ago....

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

I did not watch the show an do not plan on watching the show. You should not feel guilty about your adoption if everything was done in a legal and caring manner.

As far as other borads, I don't visit very many of them because as an Aparent I see attacks on us. We are kidnappers, haters, rich people who can steal babies out of the arms of loving mothers and worse. I am none of these things. Several weeks ago I read a post here that ticked me off it said "I will be glad when her amom dies." Wow. I could not get away with posting that about my dd bmom here, I would be attacked to no end. No one even responded to this statement, it was like I was the only one who read it. I had to calm down and remember that it was not directed at all Amoms, it was directed at one particlar Amom and I don't know the entire story that makes the Bmom feel that way, and I don't need to know it. I just had to remember she was not wishing I were dead.

I think we need to remember that there are those who Choose Adoption and those who were Forced to place. I disreguard most ugly statements made by those who were forced to place, because I know they are not directing their feelings at me. They are directing them at those who participated in the age of force adoptions. Just like when I say something negative about the bmom of my child it is about the bmom of my child not ALL bmoms. It is a stormy sea we try to ride with adoption. You have to FILTER and not take things personally.

You're right about that! I am doing much better about not taking things personally. It is impossible for someone I have never met to know who I really am as a mom or as a person. I also quit reading on the other boards because I was getting PM hate mail every time I posted. I guess I was labled one of those "wealthy, entitled amoms!" lol Sooo funny, my DH is a teacher! yeah we are rollin' the cash around here, let me tell ya! What REALLY puzzles me is all of these people who HATE Domestic private adoption but have no problem at all with international and foster care adoption. They say this is because the latter really "need" homes and the infants placed in domestic adoptions don't "need" a family because the bmom could parent if she chose to. Very interesting argument. I also don't understand how it is okay to question another bmoms decision in regards to placing their child. Isn't that their decision to make? Who are any of us to judge their motives? EVEN if you are someone who has placed a baby for adoption. Every situation is different and every woman has to decide for themselves what is best for their child and what THEY want for their child.

Didn't mean to go on so long about that! I am doing much better now, but kind of sad that my baby's birth parents are not having any contact with us right now. I really want to show her off!! I know they would be so proud of her.

[hrisme]

I find it somewhat humerous that the topic has moved to that of parents raising grandkids & how that is so much better--when the subject of the original post (Cately) chose NOT to let her parents raise her child, when they were willing (and apparently even wanted to do so). Umm, think maybe she considered that option and had her reasons for not pursing it???

I'd have to say I consider myself one of the most balanced individuals in the matter of whether teens should parent. I've met plenty of teenage parents who are, despite the challenges, fantastic parents. I've met plenty of older parents, sometimes in the "idealistic" two parent, middle to upper income category who are terrible parents. Age, income level, and to some extent even maturity level does not a parent make. I will gladly, 100% support an individual with the maturity to put his/her life aside (I put *his* first on purpose--why are we limiting this discussion to birthmothers? Don't birthfathers come into play as well?) and put the child first in their life. I don't care what support you need--diapers, living expenses, babysitting, etc. I'd be first in line with that parent at community centers, welfare offices, church services, whatever it took to get them the physical support they need to parent. I'd be the one hooking them up with parenting resources, classes in the community, books and videos and anything else that I happen across that may help to prepare them emotionally. The child's life may not be as picture perfect as it would be in an adoptive placement, but I think the trade off of being raised in their biological home is worth it.

On the other hand, I have met many, many parents who simply were not able and/or willing to put their child's life before their own. I've met a scarce few who simply want to pursue the "party" lifestyle and a baby would be an inconvienence. More often I've met those faced with the heartwrenching choice of choosing between spending the rest of their lives struggling to get by with a baby, or choosing adoption and pursuing the path they feel will be best for their future. Not uncommon are the parents whose lives are so chaotic, often riddled with mental illness and various addictions, that it would do the child a great disservice to leave them in that environment. They may place by choice, or by "force" (government intervention), either way there is still a loss--to them, and to the child.

I'm a realist. The "primal wound" theory may be extreme, but it is true that when it comes down to it adoption inherently involves loss. In a utopian society the need for adoption would not exist. But this isn't utopia, folks.

Those who choose placement shouldn't feel guilty for their choice, any more than those who choose to adopt should feel guilty. Adoption is challenging enough without guilt. Acknowleding pain, yes. Empathizing with the loss of all the members of the triad, yes. Supporting one another through the intense and often overwhelming feelings of remorse, absolutely. But guilt for making the choice to do what you felt was in the best interest of your child (whether biological or adoptive)? Absolutely not.

Hopping off my soap box for the time being...

[myForeverkids3]

Just for the record:

I don't know why adoptive parents are in ya'lls list of people who preassure emoms into placing. The prospective adoptive parents don't even come into the situation untill they have been "called" into it by the adoption worker and the emom. With any moral adoption agency, the emom does not meet prospective adoptive parents until she is "decided" in her mind that she wants to make an adoption plan. In my opinion, matches should be made after the baby is born anyway!!!!! Never the less, I think it is RARE for aparents to pressure an emom to place. (Not that it doesn't ever happen) In our case, the baby was 7 weeks old when the bparents signed the surrender. We met them 3 days after they signed.

[RavenSong]

hrisme -- Thank you so much for your latest post. It brought tears to my eyes, knowing that there are good people such as yourself in our world.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by myForeverkids3

Just for the record:

I don't know why adoptive parents are in ya'lls list of people who preassure emoms into placing. The prospective adoptive parents don't even come into the situation untill they have been "called" into it by the adoption worker and the emom. With any moral adoption agency, the emom does not meet prospective adoptive parents until she is "decided" in her mind that she wants to make an adoption plan. In my opinion, matches should be made after the baby is born anyway!!!!!

First of all I agree with you. Matches should not be made until after the birth.

Secondly, the pressure prospective adoptive parents put on emoms and new moms is subtle and often unintentional. Phrases like "Thank you for making our dreams come true." and "You are giving us a wonderful gift." You've heard the stories here. Of people who feel obligated to place. Ever hear of the book Fast Track Adoption? It's the primer on how to manipulate eparents into placing. You are kidding yourself to think is very rare.

[arialove]

I am an bmother. I will never forget the day when the afather told me he felt that he was "taking something away from someone that wasn't his to take". It was at that time that I realized that I wasn't the only one who was in pain. It was then that I realized what a truly great person I had entrusted to care for the love of my life.
Your pain shows what a truly wonderful person you are, and what a truly wonderful mother you are. Please find some comfort knowing you are special.
People can be so good at judging and labeling others. Don't let them turn your empathy into anger.
God bless you on your journey. I hope your heart will be able to heal.

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by arialove

I am an bmother. I will never forget the day when the afather told me he felt that he was "taking something away from someone that wasn't his to take". It was at that time that I realized that I wasn't the only one who was in pain. It was then that I realized what a truly great person I had entrusted to care for the love of my life.
Your pain shows what a truly wonderful person you are, and what a truly wonderful mother you are. Please find some comfort knowing you are special.
People can be so good at judging and labeling others. Don't let them turn your empathy into anger.
God bless you on your journey. I hope your heart will be able to heal.

WOW thank you so much. That is all I have been looking for. What your child's afather said is EXACTLY how I feel. Even though all 3 of my kids birth parents are completely unable to parent, I can't help but feel sorrow for them and what they have lost. I get to be with these kids everyday and see how wonderful they are. It's hard sometimes to feel worthy of them. That's why it stings so badly to read peoples' posts about "entitled, coercive amoms!" I KNOW that is not what I did, but it brings back that feeling I had the first time I held my DD ("How can I take away such a beautiful thing from these people's lives.") Thanks for your encouragement!

[aspenhall]

I felt the same way....How do I take something so precious from someone?? And then be happy about it while they grieve???

I have been very blessed in our open adoption. The bmom truly didn't want to be a parent to my dd anymore. She had her own emotional issues, and trusted us to do the job that she couldn't handle anymore. It's been a blessing for the entire triad.