[Hunter_Mom]

My husband and I will be on vacation very close to where our birthmom lives next month. (My dad changed his timeshare at the last minute without telling me first!) We have a semi-open adoption with her (emails, pictures, last names) and genuinely like her. We visited with her a few times the week he was born. I'm just not sure about a visit yet. Our son is a toddler so won't really remember, so this is for the adults. Emotionally, I waiver between extreme possisiveness of my son and then I feel like a terrible person because I know how much is birthmom loves him. I know I won't enjoy my vacation and feel like a real jerk if I am close by without telling her but something is still holding me back. I think it is fear...

Any advice please??

[thanksgivingmom]

While your son may be too young to actually remember the events, I think pictures of him with her, of you with her, of you ALL together would be great for him as he grows up! In that way, it really IS about him, and isn't necessarily all about the adults.

I don't think you're being a terrible person because you have fears....we all have our fears! You don't HAVE to have this visit, especially if you're not comfortable/ready, but I do think that letting her know you're going to be in the area might alleviate some of the guilt (?) it seems you might have if you go and don't say anything.

As for the extreme possesiveness, do you think perhaps a visit would help you overcome some of this? I know at our first visit (DD was ten months) there was no DOUBT who "Mom" was - and it wasn't me. I think it helped her Mom to see that I wasn't swooping in or trying to be possesive of DD.

Good luck to you in making this decision!

[crick]

I'm not in an open adoption, but I guess the thing that leapt out to me is this...

If you toss out the "details" and are left with the question of "Will I regret this more if I DO visit or DON'T visit", how would you honestly answer it?


P.S. Not saying you shouldn't feel the way you do with the fear (it's a new situation for you and a change in your "agreement"), just saying at the root of it seems to be that you genuinely like her and you seem to want to do this.

[zxczxcasdasd]

As a parent and an adoptive parent, I've had my share of fears, especially regarding my son's reunion with his birth family. One of the best peices of advice a friend gave me was this: Parent from strength, not from fear.

I can acknowledge my fears, but not allow them to determine how I parent my child, or to deprive him of anything that may be comforting, healing or important to him just because it scares me.

[loveajax]

Having a visit with his birth mom (especially if you can take pictures, etc.) really could be a great gift to your son. My DD loves looking at her birth book and it is really wonderful to see how much her birth parents love her and how happy they were to be with her. It makes it so much easier for me to discuss adoption with her. We also have annual visits (we also visited when DD was 6 weeks old) and now this is putting a bee in my bonnet to make another album (I am so bad about printing pix off my computer!). I can tell you that for me visits are very affirming (even though it's not about that), so I think you can put aside some of your fears! I wish you lots of luck figuring it out, and enjoy your vacation.

[aspenhall]

I think now would be a really good time for a visit. Make a list of all the things you are fearful of.

Then cross them off as they pertain to your son's bmom as a person. If she is trustworthy as a person, then any trust issues can be crosssed off. etc...

The ones that are left after evaluating your list are valid and should be addressed. But it is just a visit. It can ONLY help your son.

[Hunter_Mom]

Thanks everybody for your advice. I just sent an email letting her know we would be nearby so we'll see what happens next. I told her that there was no pressure if she wasn't ready yet. I'll let everyone know what happens!!

[finallyamom0310]

I really hope you get a chance for a visit. We had our first visit with DD's bmom when she was a little over a year old and the pictures we have she loves looking at all the time. I know she is still young but the pictures also help me discuss adoption with her so that it doesn't seem so foreign. I will also mention the fears I had, subsided quickly once we were together. DD played with her like an old friend but wanted mommy there too. It was very reassuring to me to know that I am Mommy even if DD has another Mother.

[Hunter_Mom]

I just wanted to give everyone an update on our reunion. We met with DS birthmother twice during our trip. We saw them first for about two hours on mother's day at a small zoo. She was really happy to see him but was very hesitant to hold or touch him. I was nervous at first but quickly realized she was more nervous when she made her boyfriend (not bio-dad) make all the arrangements because she was too anxious to talk on the phone with me. I gave her a small gift on mother's day of some framed pictures of DS.
We saw them again a few days later at their house and were able to spend more time together. She was able and I guess ready to interact with him more although he clearly knew who his mommy was and was not inclined to be held by an unfamiliar person as most 13 month olds are. There was initially talk that biodad might come by but he never did. birthmom seemed surprised that he had never contacted us after she had given him all our contact information. I had hoped for more from him because our son already has a half-brother (less than a year apart!!) and I really wanted to see some pictures and be able to have more info for my son about his sibling. I think DS is a closely guarded secret from his extended biological family and I don't know when that big secret will be revealed. I guess that is a subject for another day.
Sorry to prattle on. In short, the reunion was great, I love my son's birthmom and wish her the best. I had nothing to fear as far as my place in my son's life and in fact felt more secure after the visit.

[crick]

So glad it went well!!!

I'm really glad you decided to visit and one of the many results is that you feel better personally about things and your role. I think that's important!

[loveajax]

Great news, Hunter Mom!! Love to hear it.