[t_bdrax]

Thank you for bringing the issue of PAD to my attention. We brought our son (he is our first) home Feb. 7. For me I was not head over heels smitten, but I like him and he is a good boy (2yrs old) and we were alway told to "fake it until you make it". For the past month my wife and I have been working on bonding. During the last week I have been finding myself drained out, I have stared at him a coulpe of times, unable to deal with him emotionally. The last few days I have had what I think are anxiety attacks where I dwell on 'what have I gotten myself into?' 'I cannot handle this' 'I want my old life back'. Today I cried a couple of times. I'm 43 and you would think I could grow up enough to be a parent. My wife is understanding to a point and knows we have a real problem. I may call my social worker today but I probably shouldn't bug her until Monday. This is great, I have to go back to work Monday and start earning a paycheck again. Writing this has started another panic attack, but thank you for letting me know that there are people here to share with.

[celebratewewill]

I'm off to work in a few minutes, but wanted to offer a quick ((hug)) and let you know your feelings are NORMAL. there are a lot of people here who have been where you are, and i hope their words of wisdom will help.

keep hanging in there. perhaps the distraction of work may help let your brain rest and reprioritize.

[saj]

Welcome,

You are not alone, there are plenty of folks out there whom are struggling with parenting issues. If you and your wife have been with your son 24/7 for a straight month you are probably suffering from physical as well as emotional exhaustion. Just getting back to work will get a bit of your old life back. Remember that you and your wife must take care of yourselves as well as the baby. Get out and do something that is fun for you. If its too early to leave little one with another care taker, you and your wife might take turns giving each other a break.

I really just wanted you to know that your feelings are not abnormal. Many, many first time parents experience these same emotions. My husband for one had a great shock when he discovered he was no longer the center of my universe. I think that was the hardest part for him and still is to a degree.

As for bonding, my adopted daughter was 8 weeks old when placed in my arms and it wasn't until she was 14 months old that I had that Aha awaking of pure unabashed love for her. I remembe the moment it happened. I was just suddenly overcome with love and adoration for her. With my adopted son, the love and attachment just came slowly along. I never had that one moment the attachment just grew between us. I don't think he liked me much at first, but bonded with my husband right away. He was 13 months when he arrived home.

Hang in there Dad....you will get lots of support here and your SW will help you as well.

PS. Men who can honestly talk about their true feelings are a rare and wonderful breed.

Blessings to your family

[Saya]

Hi t_bdrax,

I think it's great that you posted here! MANY of us have been in similar situations - you are not alone! My daughter came home at 8 months old. Those first few months were some of the toughest I have ever known. I was exhausted all the time. I didn't feel like I was parenting yet, more like I was just some babysitter on 24 hour call. I loved my baby intellectually, but not yet in that bottom-of-your-soul way that parents are supposed to. I had wanted to be a mom SO badly, but here I was mourning my child-free life. My husband and I would end each day on the couch, exhausted, practically unable to speak. I cried SEVERAL times.

(It's not just adoption - I have friends who gave birth to their kids who went through the SAME set of emotions when they first became parents.)

Gradually, gradually I felt like I was on top of things again. It took several months before she trusted me and I trusted her enough that we established a true mother and daughter bond. And now she's a complete mama's girl, and she's the center of my world. I can't imagine my life without her and would do anything for her. But it takes time - and that's OK.

A 2-year old adds a whole extra layer of complication. It may be a little harder to bond with him because we are hardwired to bond with little babies, and you've got a little boy who comes with his own background, personality, history, likes and dislikes, etc. And depending why he was available for adoption, there might be events in his past that make it hard for him to trust authority figures or build healthy emotional attachments. You may want/need to get professional help for dealing with either of these issues. I know there is a lot of stigma out there about getting counseling, but please do whatever you need to do to help you, your wife, and your son during this time of transition.

[linda512]

I give you a lot of credit for reaching out. It is hard to do. If you really think you might have PAD (and it sounds like you might), do call your social worker and get a referral to a psychiatrist. There is no shame in taking meds and you will be amazed at how much better you can feel, if he/she determines you could benefit from them.
Good luck to you! Your son is lucky to have a father who has insight into his feelings and is not afraid to admit he is struggling!

[sheababy]

We brought our DD home from the hospital at 2 days and I felt the same way. It probably took until she was about 18 months for me to feel really attached.

She is now 22 months and although I love her with all my heart it is still hard for me to believe I am a parent. Some people say it is better to parent when you are older but for me I think I would have done better having children when I was younger and not so set in my ways (I'm 40 now). I am very independent and it is HARD to have to set what you want to do aside and give your full attention to your child.

Remember that it is ok to ask for help. I work full time (which is a wonderful break!) and DD is in daycare full time. Instead of feeling guilty we are not with her all day during the week, we routinely schedule a sitter for at least 5 hours every other weekend so we can just relax. We also do a few overnights a year.

It can be overwhelming so keep the lines of communication open-you are definitely not alone! You do not have to be perfect, you just have to be there. After I shared my feelings with some friends, they told me they felt this way with their bio children! Just take it day by day, it will get easier-going back to work should help-and before you know it you won't know how you could live without him.

[t_bdrax]

I head to my family doctor today and will get a family councelor as soon as possible. Meds may be the only way to go, I cannot continue like this. Thank you all and I will post updates of my progress.

[aspenhall]

Glad to hear you'll be getting some help.

Meds took the edge off, until I could adjust. And it didn't help that any affection, was manipulative affection....and it was how I was raised/abused my whole life....so THAT brought up a whole ball of stuff to deal with in addition to the PADS.

Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. No use piling guilt on top. And make yourself a mantra to repeat whenever you feel a panic attack coming on. I know it's silly, like "Stewart Smalley" from SNL....but it works.

Have someone write you a letter describing you as if talking to a stranger. I had an identity crisis in the middle of PADS as well! This helped me get grounded in myself again.

I also figured out some of my PADS was triggered by my own attachment issues, and I was reminded that when I got married I had a similar reaction on my honeymoon. (poor DH!!)

It didn't help, that she was doing everything to push ONLY ME away. And that she was an angel for everyone else. Also, keep in mind, most bio-parents with 2 year olds, COULD NOT STAND TO BE WITH THEM 24-7. There's a reason you have playdates....so that the kids entertain themselves, while the parents uncoil.