[mk317]

I've been reading the posts on PAD and I think I am going through this too. I posted on here about not having control over my child and it's been almost 4 months since he's been with us and it's still hard. I just broke down in tears today because I am so frustrated. I feel like I am being punished for something we were "called" to do. I find myself just wanting my old life back. I can't take the arguing, the talking back, the screaming, the fighting, the noise, anymore. I just want some peace in our house. We have two bio girls and I miss our life of the four of us before we got our son (age 3 1/2). We can hardly go anywhere together as a family now and it's hard. I'm realizing that I hate the person I've become since we got him. He has brought out the ugly side in me. He makes the days so difficult that my patience runs out and I loose it. I am really mean to him some days, because I just want compliance from him. I never lost it like that with my girls and always prided myself on what good kids they were. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with him. He refuses to listen and fights me on everything. I’m just so tired. I just wanted that “happy” adoption so we could be a testimony to all those who didn’t understand why we were doing this. I know this is what we were supposed to do, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I wish someone could just tell me, one more month and things will be fine! I just worry that there may not be a light and the end of the tunnel. What if the issues we are dealing with don’t go away with time??
We are trying to get counseling set up with him. I do love this little boy and know that right now we are his light for the future. I don't want to ruin him. He is a gift to us and I can only pray that someday, I will see it's value. Thanks for listening.

[cetalley]

MK, Please get counseling ASAP, for yourself, as well as this child. I think, IMHO, you were no where near ready to adopt this child. There are no special orders with adoption..no "happy" adoption, so to speak. Please see help as soon as possible, before you harm yourself, but more important before you harm this innocent chils, whom asked nothing in life...but to be with its Mom, that gave birth to him. Please come and keep us pposted, I am worried about you AND this little boy, whom was given NO CHOICE! Blessings..c.j.

[DPline]

Sending you a (((hug))) and hoping you can find the help your family needs. Three year olds a can be a force to be reckoned with even under the best of cirucumstances and from reading your other posts it sounds like you and he are having a really rough time.

Work on getting that threapy and keep posting on the Special Needs forum. There are lots of parents there with a wealth of information and experience.

Good luck!!

[startedover]

Any chance of you and him having a few days just to yourself. I would assume even at 3 he felt like the outsider coming into someone else's world. But take care you yourself first, then worry about you and him. Prayers.

[aspenhall]

Hi, I'm SO GLAD you found this forum.
Something you may not have been prepared for is dealing with ODD or RAD on a DAILY BASIS. It's one thing to read about issues or hear about them, but it is quite another to live through them 24/7.

Remember that tha chaos and fear and trauma he feels on the inside is the chaos he creates on the outside. He doesn't know what he's doing, he's just angry and scared. 4 months isn't much in the grand scheme of things. IT WILL GET BETTER.

I completely understand what you're going through. And you aren't crazy for feeling this way. You should speak with a counselor if you can, and possibly get on some mild anti-depressants.

Remember this formula:
THINK + SAY + DO = FEEL

Write up a list of positive affirmations that contradict how you currently think and feel (out of fear). "This will get better, I can do this, I will love him someday."

You need to think about this from his point of view.

What if you were given a new spouse...in a new house...and told to trust it would all be ok. What if you weren't sure how to find your way back to your old home?

Adopting an older child with a pre-formed personality is very much like an arranged marriage.

No one can REALLY prepare for it. You just need to do it, and give yourself time to adjust and get to know one another.

Here's my emergency suggestions for immediate relief:
Follow "Parenting with Love and Logic" like you would the bible!
Make sure he's getting enough sleep, like 12-13 hours a day. If he isn't sleeping well, investigate room darkening curtains, noise machines, and Melatonin in liguid form.
When he's angry, wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him while you rock him. Talk to him about what you would have done if he'd been there as a baby.
Find games that require eye contact, like feeding one another...or try not to laugh type games.
Even if you have to set a timer for 3 times a day, go hug and kiss him and tell him you're happy he's part of the family....even if you don't feel that way yet.
Make a goal to praise him for at least one thing once a day.
Keep a list of good qualities that you add to each day.
Take time for yourself away from home, while your husband watches him. Be gone 2-3 hours at least. When you return be sure to let him know he was missed.
Go over to the SPECIAL NEEDS FORUMS here. Everyone there has been through or is currently going through exactly the same behaviors (...and worse) as you are.

And remember, you're not alone, how you feel is NORMAL...no one can patiently endure months of emotional abuse! Recognize that this is a unique situation where you are raising your abuser and cannot react the way you would if it were an adult.

Watch this 3 part video to help you understand better, your son's thought process...

YouTube - The truth about Foster care (A Child's Point of view) Pt-1

[kretzklan]

You aren't crazy...it will take time and a lot of work and help from therapists and a support network. That can be hard to find...but there are plenty of people on here who understand. I've been there (still am there?)...I try to set tiny goals for myself and celebrate if I complete them. Today's goal was to eat WITH my kids at the table - seems small...but there are days it's impossible to want to do that. I did it. You can find the small things and they will add up.

[AmyAnne]

We've all been there! It can get better. And yes, PAD is REAL. I suffered it, as did my husband.

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) Boy, I can't count how many adoptive moms have BTDT. You are by no means alone!

Our first adopted child was 26 months old when he came to us, with no identified issues. WHAM!! Were we put through the wringer! I remember listening to him tantrum (he used to scream for an hour or two at a time) and crying just outside his door, trying to talk quietly to help him calm down. (Being in the room where he could see me would escalate his tantrum.) My bio child was a basket case, demanding that we 'send back' the newly adopted child. I thought we'd done the worst thing ever. How could we have thought this was a good idea?!

We finally, after two years, got a referal to a child therapist. The therapist gave us some tips and things to do, and then suggested ever-so-gently that we have our little one screened for FASD. (Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, also known as FAS/FAE.) We found more help along the way, working with various professionals.

But the point is that adopting a child from foster care is no bed of roses. I felt totally blindsided by the issues we faced. We were ready for a kid who was scared, and we'd attended all the classes and stuff...but THIS was totally out of our understanding. We learned, we're coping. It took time and that was something that I hadn't anticipated, either. Time.

I also had thought that I would be this wonderful loving mother. Oops. I wanted to be, and I was trying, but part of me was just aghast at what was going on in my home - my bio child was falling apart, my adopted child was a screaming, hysterical mess, and I was playing monkey in the middle. I felt overwhelmed and unsure how to handle this little kid who had so much rage and so many issues.

You might look into Early Intervention, if you haven't already. They can help identify any developmental lags and see if there are some underlying issues as well. We had an occupational therapist who helped us immensely. (A private OT, not through Early Intervention, but you might find one through your local Early Intervention.)

Once we figured out that our new child had dysfunction of sensory integration many things eased up for all of us. Turns out the poor kid perceived all touch as pain, so was always hypervigilent in case someone might touch him at all. Hugs from other kids were particularly traumatic. Made getting together with other families for play dates a hellish kind of bizarre.

But all of that took a couple of years to figure out and get a handle on. If I had it to do over I would ask for help sooner - but I didn't know who to ask, so I didn't. I'd also work to have specific alone time for me, for me and Dh, and for me with each child. This can sound overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be a long time for each. Even 15 minutes or half an hour can be a refreshing break. Maybe have Dh watch your new son while you go for a walk around the block with one of your Dd's. Then the next day, switch and take the other Dd. Or go for an ice cream cone (BRRR!) or hot chocolate. On the 3rd day get a babysitter for your girls and you and Dh take your Ds for a walk together. Then once a week (or as often as you can swing it!) get a babysitter and go out with Dh. Again, it doesn't have to be The Most Romantic Date Ever, only a little break. Just find something that is non-demanding, relatively calming, and that you could enjoy with each of your kids and your Dh.

I notice that you live in my state. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Oh, and our oldest adoptive child is doing well now. We have adopted three more, and each has come along with their own set of issues. The family dynamic has had to stretch and grow, but it has happened. Eventually. I tend to remember the first 2-4 months after a new child has joined the family as very exhausting, very trying, and generally Not Fun. (Which was unexpected, the first time. After that I knew better than to expect instant euphoria - but it still got me down.)

[mrsred]

You didn't say if you are a stay at home mom, or if he goes to preschool or anything. Staying home all day long, week after week wih a child that is raging frequently. If the two of you are home all day together, speak with your placement worker about getting him into preschool a few days a week, preferably a preschool geared toward kids with special needs. In our area there is a program called Childd Find, where they screen preschoolers to identify areas where early intervention can help. Sounds like he could use some of that. But mostly you need to take a break from each other.
Another tip - you said you felt you were "called" to do this. Time to rely more on the "Caller". When I find I cannot take another moment I go into my closet and argue with ... oops, I mean pray to Him. It is only when I get to the point where I totally surrender that He can help.

[marythemom]

I thought I was so prepared. I have a social work degree, took all the trainings - twice, had raised a "spirited" biochild and survived, was a "spirited" child myself, had biofamily that are bipolar...

We were told these kids had mild issues and just needed love. (RAD, ODD, severe PTSD, ADHD, bipolar disorder... but we didn't know all of that at the time). That's the hard part with your 3 year old is that he has these symptoms and trauma, but no one believes little children can have diagnoses - therefore it must be your fault.

I started on anti-anxiety medication (then anti-depressants and now mood stabilizers for my recently diagnosed bipolar disorder). I found support groups like this one and the special needs forum. I found attachment therapist, I read tons of books on attachment, I started a blog so I could vent without overwhelming my friends. I'd say get sleep and exercise and take care of yourself, but that would be hypocritical of me (still great advice though).

Mostly I tried to surround myself with people who "get it." People who know this is going to be hard and give advice and support that might work.

I would not finalize this adoption until you know this child is right for your family. Hang in there and try, but realize that it has to be a good match.

Remember that he is terrified and dealing with life as best he can. You did not make him this way! You may not be the right person for THIS child to help him.

I heard once from a CPR instructor to remember when you do CPR the person is already dead. You did not kill him. All you can do is your best.

Hugs and prayers,

[lucyjoy]

He's been with you for 4 months. Where has he been the last 3 years? Was he moved around a lot? Was he in one foster home? Is he grieving the only family he knows or is he completely unattached, confused and angry?

One of the symptoms of parenting a child with attachment disorder is overly angry parents. They do suck all your time and energy away from everyone else.

Not sure what you've been doing, but I would suggest spending time holding and rocking him. Sit on the floor and play with him where eye contact and touch is encouraged. Has anyone in his life played peekaboo with him? Blew rasberries on his tummy? Played this little piggy with his toes? He needs those things to fill in things he missed as an infant.

If your married, take turns with your spouse. Some evenings/days(however your work schedules work) have dad watch problem kiddo while you play with other kids. Then some nights switch.

Having him evaluated by an occupational therapist for sensory issues might be helpful as well.

What you are feeling is very normal. However, he's a little child whose life is upside down. I know sometimes it helps me when a child is raging or being defiant to remind myself that inside that angry person is a sad, scared little kid. Makes it easier to deal with the situation.

When I feel like I want to scream, I sometimes sing. Turn on the radio and dance with the kids.

And, if this is not a finalized adoption, there is nothing saying you have to finalize if you feel like this placement is destroying your family. Sometimes, a placement is a bad match for a family. However, attaching and bonding does take time and if you want to continue, you have to fake those feelings until they are real.

It takes time to get to know someone. Inside that screaming, angry, annoying, sassy child may be hidden a beautiful person who you just need more time to get to know.

Hang in there and keep posting. The special needs board is a wonderful place to post questions about specific behaviors or just to vent about a trying day or a really long tantrum or rage.

Hope things get better.

[mk317]

Thank you ladies very much for all your support! I will try to not make this very long, but I do want to defend myself to the poster that said that I was not ready to adopt and that she is worried about the safety of my son. We couldn’t have been more ready to adopt. My whole life has revolved around children. We have wanted to adopt for a long time. We have our two girls who are 6 and 10, I worked for 5 years in Early Intervention programs and I currently teach preschool in the mornings. I would NEVER hurt my child or myself either. When I said I was mean to him, I just meant that I yell a lot and that‘s not like me. He refuses to listen, talks back constantly, and argues with anything anyone says. You can only talk nice to someone, who refuses to listen for so long! And when I do yell, he yells right back at me! He has a lot of issues that we are having to deal with and that part we were not prepared for. His background is that he was born to a mentally delayed mother who knew she couldn’t parent him and TPR when he was 5 months. He was placed with a family who had him until last Dec. (he was 2 ½). They were in the process of adopting him when a case worker did a surprise visit and found out he had beer in his sippy cup! He was removed immediately and placed in a children’s home for a few days until he was placed with the foster family whom he lived with for 9 months until we were chosen for him in October. So, yes, he’s been moved around a lot and I know there is so much to undo and redo! I really think there are some mental delays in him too. He just really doesn’t seem to “get” things. He goes to our ESD preschool two days a week and gets speech services there. His teachers say he is an angel at school! :0) He just saves the naughtiness for me! Him and my hubby have bonded pretty well as he is the one who is home with him in the mornings while I work. He is a very cuddly little boy and so we do cuddle him a lot and tell him we love him and that he is here forever and that nobody will come take him away. He IS our son. We prayed over his picture for a long time before we found out we were even chosen to go to committee. I can’t imagine sending him away and not having him around. Things are just really rough and sometimes they get hard to deal with. I don’t think that makes me incapable of being his mom, just human! :0) I wouldn’t be able to survive this time without my God and knowing that He is here with me and that we WILL get through this. We are doing everything we can to help this child. We are waiting on papers to be signed so that we can start some therapy with him as a family. I think this week has just been hard on me cause hubby in gone for training. He is great at giving me time for myself. I have a friend who needs to “get away” too so we go to the movies together. We also do take time to have special days with the girls, while the other hangs with our son. We still can’t take him a lot of places cause he can be so naughty and doesn’t listen, so mostly we play with him at home. But he love any attention.
I guess I should close this now before it gets much longer. I think my first post seemed like a cry for help, but I was just having a rough day and needed to let out some feelings. I think we are doing okay and willing to do what ever it takes to help this little boy adjust. He is our son and we love him very much. If things do continue to be rough, I have no problem seeking help. I just don’t want to be on medication if I don’t have to and I anticipate things will calm down as we have already come a long way with him. Thanks again ladies!

[jessnboys]

I remember those days. There are still some days like that today. It does get better. It takes time (it sucks hearing that, I know) to find the key to helping this kiddo feel safe and secure. You will find yourself again as well.
It will happen. Find good support for you and kiddo. I've become good friends with several people who started out helping me. This is a wonderful place to feel not as alone!

Welcome...

[Barksum]

The more you get to know him, the more you'll figure out ways to help him learn better skills. As for bad days...hey, the Special Needs Adoption forum has a few moms and dads who've been there!!

Glad to hear that you're doing better, even with the Dh gone for a bit. Having your Dh away makes it harder, both for you AND for your Ds.

[GCS]

That first year home with our then 3 year old boy was terrible for me. And it was so isolating.

I used to joke that I had PTSD from parenting him (he showed signs of PTSD) which was true because I had to be so hyper-vigilant with him. It was exhausting. And I definitely dealt wtih PAD feeling like I bit off more than I could chew and that maybe I wasn't cut out for this.

Fast forward one year and we were in a very different (better) place. Today, 4 years home, he and I have a wonderful relationship. He's a kind and loving kid and I feel blessed to be given the privilage of parenting him.

Attachment parent, give him time to learn to really bond to you and give yourself a break.

*edited to add - I forgot, my DH travels constantly. The worst days were always when he was away. Then he would come home and tell me that he couldn't understand why I had such problems with the boy. It was as if DH didn't really believe things were that bad. Its pretty common at this age to act out when one parent is gone.