[Familygirlheart]

Our daughter is now in junior high. We adopted her six years ago after she had been in foster care most of her life. She does well at home, not many behavior problems. We do well as a family. But she gets into a lot of fights at school. (Verbal-not physical). She also doesn't keep friends. The friendships always start out great because she is a lot of fun. But there is always a bad ending. Some of it is just junior high girl stuff, but not all of it. She hasn't been able to keep friendships since grade school. There are a variety of reasons the friendships end. She can be very bossy. But she also pushes kids away after a while. She always regrets losing the friendships. Even if she is able to make up, it only lasts for a while. We've tried talking with her and have intervened if we notice she is starting to boss her friends around. She has recently made a new friend. They are getting along great but I'm afraid of the fall out that inevetably comes. Does anyone have any advice for me? How can I help my daughter with this new friendship?

[mdesi]

I would suggest that you speak with the guidance counselor at her school. Many kids, albeit not the majority, have problems maintaining friendships. I know that our middle school offered a pull out group program for kids on many topics, and this issue was one of them. Another suggestions would be to get a good counselor who specializes in adolescents to work with her on this.

[kretzklan]

It's interesting that she shows control issues with friends but not at home (that is generally what we all coin "bossiness"). Our DD has a TON of trouble with friendships, but also displays that control at home and with basically anyone in her life. If she is open to talking to you try to figure out why she feels nervous or discouraged with the friends. Are they at a different "life level" than her - maybe more into boys or clothes or MTV or whatever it is? Since she's lost friends before she probably goes into a new friendship with the idea that she'll lose this new friend too - which could lead her to have the same behaviors. I would point out to her that every new friend is a new chance to do something different. Middle school is a tough time for girls and their friendships in general...maybe pushing her to have a lot of acquaintances instead of one or two best friends could benefit her in the long run!

[aspenhall]

My dd also had trouble with the social aspect of life...I hooked her up with a "Life Coach" (the school counselor)

It worked wonders for her, as far as giving her the tools she needed. She'll still run into a bit of trouble now and then, but she's channeled her bossyness into leadership skills and solves the problem instead of creating it.

Plus, she's proud that she has her own personal "Life Coach" (she had been into sports). Seeing the counselor and being part of group sessions was a perkl in her mind, not anything to be ashamed of.

I'd get her the " American Girl's guide to best friends"

It's a cute fun picture type cartoon book with quizzes and stuff and all about the "how to" of friends

[Familygirlheart]

Thank you all very much for the suggestions. It really helped. I'm going to get the book. My husband liked the life coach idea. She probably does go into relationships thinking they are not going to last. At first she thought that of us and was controlling at home. But not anymore. After I posted this, the principal of her school called and asked us to come in for a meeting this week. He's received many complaints about her getting into conflicts with other kids. He seems to have the attitude of working it out with us. Hopefully this will help although I'm a little nervous about it. Thanks again for all of the wonderful input.