[Nicksbride]

Hi everyone. I just discovered the forum today and so far, love it! I am a first time mommy. DH and I adopted our beautiful baby girl at birth. She is 4 months old now.

As the thread title suggests, I am looking for some advice / suggestions on establishing healthy boundaries with DD's b-mom. I'll try to keep this post brief - feel free to ask any questions if I need to fill in gaps.....

B-mom just turned 17. She's a very sweet girl, just tends to make bad decisions. Our openness agreement says for the first year I will send pictures once a month, phone calls once a month and visits quarterly. After year 1, pictures and phone calls quarterly, visits every 6 months. She also wants to be included in special occassions. DH and I also have a relationship with DDs b-great grandma - this is our choice; we love her as if she was our own grandma!

So far, phone calls have been about every 2 weeks, visits each month. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by it. Watching b-mom and hearing her talk, I don't think she has dealt with any of her emotions regarding her choice to place the baby. She has a lot of friends with babies and she is the only one who chose adoption - I think she feels left out if that makes any sense.

I'm sorry; I feel like I'm jumping around. As I said, ask any questions needed to fill in the holes.....

I want to get things in line with our agreement. It doesn't have to be a rigid schedule, just less frequent than it is now. DH and I are in a very busy season of our lives. DD has been a difficult baby - awful reflux and colic until about the last couple of weeks. Looking back, I'm now positive I dealt with PAD during DDs difficult weeks (I SAH most of the time, hubby works a lot of hours - second shift so he missed the worst of the colic....).

B-mom has been let down by most of the adults in her life. I certainly don't want to be added to that list, but at the same time, cannot be responsible for her happiness.

Oh, and in the past, we've had a communication gap between us and b-mom, meaning I say one thing and she hears something else......example: our last visit, b-mom wanted to postpone for another week. I told her we needed to get together as planned because we had a very busy month ahead of us and it would be a few weeks before we could get together again (b-mom doesn't drive so it's up to us to go to her - an hour round trip). She told her grandma that we were trying to let her down easy and we didn't want her to see the baby anymore.

If any of this makes sense, I would appreciate any advice you have to offer....

Blessings,
Nicksbride

[proudmum]

Hi i certainly feel for you ,,, these are testing times ,,,,very difficult as you try to adjust to parenthood and adjusting to open adoption as well...
we have been through all of this, especially the twisting of words part and are unfortunately still going through this 3 yrs later,,,,
My only advice is to just set those boundaries again as gently but firmly as possible, especially where the communication comes into it ( you saying one thing her hearing another ),,,, re-confirm to her that you still want her in your life but for the sake of your family you need to stick to the original agreement, at least so you can have some sort of normality return to your life. She may be struggling ( and while you feel for her pain ) you also have to look after you and your family too. This sort of thing became very stressful for our family and took its toll on us,,,( we should have been stronger in the beginning) i honestly feel that for a harmonious relationship in the future you need to be honest with how you are feeling,,,, you might also want to add ( as we had to ) that if she doesnt quite understand what you mean, or where you are coming from that all she has to do is ask for you to clarify it. I truly hope that you can get this all sorted out for everyone involved....
best wishes for the future
proudmum :-)

[loveajax]

I think proudmum has great advice. How old is your child? I was saying that the "hardest" part of our OA was when DD was about three months old and I was returning to work. I felt almost like I was DD's birth mom's "counselor" at that point and it wasn't healthy....we have always followed our agreement, as I know you will, but I also had to set some boundaries at that point. There's nothing wrong with sticking to the boundaries set forth in your agreement.

It's kind of hard to remember this when your kid is a baby, but you are having an OA for the sake of your child and in the early months and years, you really are just trying to build a comfortable relationship. If you are feeling overwhelmed (I was too!), that will lead to resentment and probably isn't the best thing for the relationship.

Also, your child's birth mom is very young and I know I was pretty immature at that age too...hopefully things will improve with time...

Good luck! Welcome to the boards!

[aspenhall]

It's as easy as simply stating, "Actually, that won't work for us" when she suggests a visit beyond what was initially agreed.

And tell her what WOULD work....she senses you pulling away and it scares her that it's a "door closing".

I'd go to the "birthparent" forums and post this same exact question there. they may give you better advice for avoiding triggering the bmom's fears.

[Nicksbride]

Thank you for your replies.

Loveajax, our DD is 4 months old.

I know we need to get a good foundation established now or it will be more difficult in the future.

I like how you put it, Proudmom, that we need to be closer to the agreement for the sake of normalcy in our life - of course, this implies we had it before!

It is so nice to hear I'm not the only one going through this. I have a small local network of adoptive moms I can talk to, but most of them have birthmothers who have chosen very limited contact.

Thanks again ladies!

Blessings,
Nicksbride

[proudmum]

glad to be of help,,,, i really hope that things work out well for you and just remember that we are always here to run things past,,,i think that sometimes it just helps to hear from other people that have gone through the same or similar experiences, it really helped me ...(.i like the assuming you were normal before he he ... i know that feeling :-))))

best wishes
proudmum