[reapingjoy]

I feel incredibly guilty just needing to even write this, but I am really struggling & feel on the verge of tears all day long. I don't really think it is any 1 thing, but rather everything compounded together & I feel like I am drowning here.

We have 4 bio boys (19, 17, 14, & 10) and we have an adopted daughter from Guatemala (2) who we brought home when she was 5 months old. I had no problem bonding immediately with my Guate daughter & so I have been completely blindsided by my feelings this time. We brought home our soon to be adopted daughter, M, from foster care about 2 mo. ago. She is 3.5.

It's a long story how we were matched with her & I know that it was a miracle & she is supposed to be our daughter, but right now, I spend most of my time feeling annoyed with her...and that makes me feel horrible!

We were told that she was completely healthy & developmentally on target...they even "warned" us not to ask for very much as a subsidy because we would not be having extra dr. visits or therapy appts. Well, even during our visit month, with just spending a couple of hours a week with her, I could tell she had asthma. She was finally diagnosed last week & we now have to do breathing treatments 2x a day, plus she seems to be sick quite often for a 3.5 year old (which I'm sure is a result of the asthma). I also noticed an oddity in her walking/running which we have now been referred to a specialist for. So, for our "completely healthy" child, I have spent hours on the phone arranging medical appts. & was at the dr. 3x in one week (& all of it has been for "pre-existing" conditions).

She has also disclosed a few things to us about stuff that happened at her foster home which I have had to fight with CSB to get her into therapy for.

The FM was extremely rude & nasty to me & completely uncooperative about the entire transition, which made our visit month very stressful. Since then, I have had to defend myself over & over to her SW (who I strongly believe is against our adoption because we are white) about so many things while at the same time she sings the praises of her former FM (who I have been told should no longer be fostering because she is so horrible).

M really is a pretty normal 3.5 year old, but I am finding her behaviors very irritating & it's hard for me to bond with her. She talks incessantly & interrupts all the time if I'm trying to hold a conversation with anyone but her, she is very bossy with my 2 y.o. & expects her to share everything but yet if I tell her she needs to share something she immediately cries (the FM sent almost nothing with her that could be considered her own so everything they play with is our Guate daughter's except for some things that we have bought her - but we can't afford to stock a whole toybox for her at this point). She refuses to nap because she won't sleep when it is light outside or if other people are up unless she just completely passes out. She is going to bed at 10-10:30 at night & getting herself up at 7 (we have now started to make her go back to her bed & she doesn't seem to be terribly upset about it, so I hope that will help a bit because she is missing about 3-4 hours of sleep per day for her age).

I feel very smothered right now. Even my boys are starting to get irritated by her constant crying over little stuff & I often will hear "stop crying".

The things that I really expected - temper tantrums, night crying, crying a lot for the FM - none of that has happened at all. But I am having a hard time dealing with the manipulative behaviors that I'm sure she learned at the FM's house to get attention or get her way.

I feel so guilty for the way I feel about stuff, but I am overwhelmed right now with the physical & emotional issues that she came with added to the total non-support of the SW's and the normal 3 y.o. irritating behaviors that they all have. If we just would have had some preparation mentally that we were going to be dealing with a lot of illness, etc. then I don't think it would be so bad.

I'm also very tired & I miss spending time with my 2 y.o. & we are now trying to catch up with our schooling that we have fallen way behind on (I homeschool). Also added to this is that my son who has special needs has really been acting out a lot lately & I think it's just the transition (he doesn't handle transition well - good or bad). I don't know who to talk to about it because no one really understands & because I'm totally embarrassed to even feel this way.

I'm just not sure where to turn & I just really need some encouragement that we will eventually turn a corner & things will get better & I will "feel" love for her at some point.

Thanks,
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guate
Soon to be AD M-3

[Lorraine123]

Have you reseached attachment disorder? What you are describing sounds like it. Look into getting an attachment therapist (be sure it is a true attachment therapist).

[aspenhall]

Your newly adopted daughter sounds JUST like my daughter...Definately look into attachment therapy at attachment.org and also start reading up on Parenting With Love and Logic...

Hang in there......my daughter was 3.5 when she came to us, and it took a year or more for her to start abandoning her behaviors....also Melatonin Spray (on the advice of my Pediatrician) helped with Sleeping habits...

Once the sleep was fixed, the behaviors lessened...but it took over a year for me to get to a point that I didn't cringe and panic at the sound of her voice...once I got real sincere affection from her (minimal) my feelings really started to grow...

It isn't unreasonable or illogical to not like to be around someone who is emotionally abusive and a user...in fact it's VERY hard to tolerate, let alone love someone like that. What you feel is completely normal...and you are definately NOT alone...I never met a child I didn't love immediately...until I met my daughter...she makes it hard to love her.

Be firm and consitant in your boundaries and expectations, essentially, WAIT HER OUT....out-stubborn her...she'll abandon ineffective methods and keep trying till she's successful again..make sure that she is only successful with healthy behaviors...and don't be afraid to model them, for her to mimic from you..explain everything you're doing as you do it...she'll pick it up eventually.

Oh, and for moral support and practical advice go over to the "Special Needs Parenting" boards on these forums..it'll keep you sane, and give you tools when you're in over your head some days.

[Archive]

Children that have asthma tend to get more respitory illnesses, sinus infections and have stronger reactions to your everyday colds. For some children you wouldn't even notice the symptoms, but for a child with asthma it is much different. When my daughter was that age she got croup all the time.

If she is doing breathing treatments twice a day that could be your reason for not napping during the day. Is she on albuterol? For some children it is a stimulant. If she is taking steroid meds that could seriously effect her moods and behavior as well. My daughter occasionally has to take tapered steroids and we dread when that happens. My sweet little angel is a tyrant on steroids. She is a completely different child. Also, irritability can be a symptom of asthma/lack of oxygen. Possible asthma symptoms--coughing, wheezing, tightness in chest, difficulty breathing, irritability

[TxMom65]

I agree about the attachment issues.Just the fact that she is older than your youngest will make it a little more difficult. I give my daughter Melatonin and it does help. A lot.

The attachment issues are probably the reason you see the behaviors you do. The chatter, the crying, ect. As much as she gets on your nerves, you will have to put even more time into her, holding her, ect.

I thought I would go crazy during the first few months with my daughter and her behaviors like this. I saw a phrase on here that helped me. Fake it til you make it. I truly did.

Things do get better once she feels secure. I hope that therapy is helpful to her.

[reapingjoy]

Thank you so much everyone!!

It honestly never occurred to me that these could be attachment related behaviors. I always imagined the attachment challenged kids to be throwing tantrums, not making eye contact, refusing affection, refusing to go to sleep at night, etc....but after your advice, I went to a couple of attachment websites (Nancy Thomas & a4everfamily) & sure enough - my daughter fits about 5 or 6 of the classic signs of attachment issues.

I ordered the book "When Love is Not Enough" and will talk to her therapist at our appt. in May (we couldn't get in until then) to see if she can advise us on attachment & I'm also going to e-mail a4everfamily & see if I can get some specific suggestions right now.

Again, thank you so much...not just for understanding & making me realize I am not alone (which was invaluable to me!!!), but also for opening my eyes to the real cause of her behaviors.

Blessings,
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guate
Soon to be AD M-3

[MamaS]

I had a non-sleeper (no nap, fell asleep from exhaustion around 10ish woke up with the sun) and this worked for me. Keep a box of "special bed toys: soft hand puppets and board books" which you put beside her bed at bedtime. She can play with the toys only in bed. When she gets up in t he morning, take the toys away. Also, after she falls asleep at night, put a snack on her bedside table. A sippy cup of juice, a cut-up apple in a baggie, etc. When she wakes up early, she can eat her snack and play with her bed toys. This bought me an extra hour every morning.

[mk317]

Just wanted to comment about how your child can irritate you...Welcome to the club! My little boy (3 1/2) has been with us for about 2 1/2 months now and drives me crazy! He has so many annoying habits. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but it's the same things over and over again everyday. He is the most predictable child I have ever met. From asking the same question 15 times a day, to talking back, denying everything he's done, playing with every light switch and doorknob (anywhere), to just being naughty...I'm tired and I just want my old life back sometimes.
I was prepared for HIS adjustment, but not for mine…I think we will survive though with some time and lots of prayer! :0)