[jjsmom3]

I have been suffering from post adoption depession since September when we found out we had to adopt. I have been to counseling and found it helpful, but not a complete answer. I am on HRT and I am getting my levels checked to see if that is part of the problem.

I guess I need to know that I am not alone in my struggles. I can't sleep, but am exhausted everyday. I get angry with my children over nothing, then cry because I feel bad. I don't clean or cook anymore because I just can't muster up enough energy although, I have good intentions to do something about my messy house and make a good meal.. I never want to leave my house and when I do, I can't wait to get home.

I am so tired of crying. It is a daily occurance. Why do I cry? My life is pretty good. I have 3 great kids and a wonderful DH. We own a home, have nice cars and a boat. I have enough money. I stay at home.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Can anyone relate?

Thanks

[aspenhall]

I did take Wellbutrin for a few months and as mild as it was, it still helped take the edge off my anger. And also, if adoption feels like it's a "2nd Best" option then maybe you shouldn't move forward.

It sounds like you're griveing the loss of your specific dream.
Please read the following story.

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

[Adoption_Ally]

In my opinion (not having a medical degree! ), you do sound clinically depressed.

I've been on anti-depressants for 13 or 14 years, and I would never go back to being without them. I take them for all the behaviors you mentioned - not able to sleep, short tempered, complete inability to focus, feeling dragged out and apathetic all the time, etc. etc. When I'm not on them, it's like everything is way way too much work. One of the hardest things to understand about depression that on the outside it looks like you should be OK, but inside you're a mess.

Talk therapy can be very beneficial, but if you're so depressed you can't focus it's hard to accomplish a whole lot.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about them. Be patient because it may take a couple of tries to get the one that's most effective for you.

You are definitely NOT alone - please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help!

[jjsmom3]

Than you for responding!

I have an appointment this morning to go talk about my HRT and depression. I know I am not the same person I was before my hysterectomy and adopting my dh's grandchild. I kept telling myself I would be better tomorrow, but that day has never come.

Thank you aspenhall and Adoption_Ally for helping me see ( ) I am not alone!

[ocracoke]

JJ,

Since adoption was my first choice I have not had any depression surrounding depression. However, when I was in my mid 20's I hit depression hard (for unknown reasons) and felt a lot like you described above. I eventually went on a low dose of prozac. Once it kicked it it was like my miracle drug. Life was good again. And I was able to live, work, clean (ugh) and all the normal things. I stayed on for a few years but could have come off earlier -- I was just scared of hitting the depression again. I have not had to return to taking them again but would not hesitate to do so if it hit again. I am painfully aware of my emotional state whenever I have a major life change (move, change jobs, change relationships, adopt, etc) because I have no interest in getting that bad again and will go back on an anti-depressant if I feel like I am heading down that path.

Here is a way it was once explained to me. If I was a diabetic would I hesitate to take my insulin? No. It is a medication that my body needs. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your body. Why not take the medication that will restore your chemical imbalance so that you can live a productive life?

Good luck,
Samantha

[jjsmom3]

ocracoke~Thank you for the analogy. I know I take HRT to help with my menopause symptoms (at 32 yrs young), but it sounds different coming from someone else. I have been afraid to get on an anti-depressant for fear that I won't be able to get off of them. But, I don't think I have much choice given how I feel.


Thank you for your honesty~EVERYONE~and your stories. It really feels like I am understood and not looked down upon because I need help.

Thanks, Elizabeth

[kretzklan]

I'll just gives a thumbs up to what others have said. You are NOT alone. There are so many of us that have gone through PAD to some extent. I have bi-polar and had been unmedicated for years (handling it well through behavior modification)...that just wasn't enough after my youngest two came home. I jumped on the medication roller coaster. My biggest advice is that you know your body. If meds are not working (making you TOO tired, too zombie like, etc.) speak up as early as you notice and don't be shushed and talked into continuing that med - ask for a different one. There are so many things available now - you should not have to suffer through any really negative side effects when there is something else to try!
Good luck!

[FullQuiverMamma]

I have prayed for your peace since reading your post. Grief was huge for me. I have dealt with this secondary infertility thing for seven years now. I have come full circle with feelings of sorrow about not being able to have any more bio kids and now, even though adoption for so long seemed like a consolation prize of sorts... it is getting easier. Last night I was talking to my SW and it occurred to me that I would be so sad if we weren't considering adoption. I actually really do want to adopt and I would still do it even if I could still have my own. If I hadn't run the race this far, this whole adoption thing wouldn't have shaped me into who I have become. I don't want to be without the prospect of adoption now, and it doesn't seem like second best - it seems like first best.

[jjsmom3]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

I should say that I love my son. I didn't want to be his mom at first, but I changed my mind. I couldn't imagine life without him.

I went to the dr and I am going to start Cymbalta-low dose-tonight. I go back in 3 weeks to be checked and she is really open to changing to a different med. She also said the testosterone from my hrt could be making me angry, but it not what is making me feel helpless and sad. Good to know I'm not completely off my rocker! I am going to go back and start counseling again. Maybe the old one-two punch will help even more.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Somebody understands! My dh doesn't get it. But he is trying!

[paparent]

Thank you for that story about Holland! I have been living life like there is a short cut from Holland to Italy and I just haven't found it yet. I realize now that I just new to think about getting new maps.

[jjsmom3]

Hey everyone~I just wanted to check in and let y'all know that the Cymbalta is really helping me. I feel calmer and more at ease with life in general.

I got my dose upped to 60 mg per day and it has helped even more. I'm hoping to feel "normal" pretty soon. I also went back to my counselor to talk over all of my issues with my relative adoption.

Things are looking up for me and I feel happy for the first time in a long time!

[aspenhall]

YAY! Good for you! It really does help and gives you more tools to deal and cope with all the things you didn't expect. You may find over time as you get a groove, that you won't need the meds.....but just knowing they're there and they help gives you strength to face future challenges!

[mandiedandie]

I just wanted to chime in and let you know that you are not alone at all. I am actually battling depression and anxiety right now. I have never hit a low this low before, but I have also never had so many stressful things going on in my life. We are still waiting to adopt, so I do not have PAD, but I just wanted you to know that I did try the anti-anxiety/anti-depressant Lexapro which my doctor said would have no side effects, works perfectly, etc...just to end up crazier than I was feeling before, it was so weird. I just don't react well to the meds. So, I was given Valium, and when I can't sleep, I take it, but I am not restful. So, I quit my job yesterday and today has been a much better day...and I am hoping that it will continue to look up from here. So, you are not alone...and I have tried the meds too...good luck.