[Stormster]

This is really hard for me. For many years I have had this on again off again cough, usually in the spring but this year it never went away. I was coughing throughout the entire adoption process and it got worse and worse until now, after trying ten or fifteen meds, it seems I have something called Reflux Cough. It is very difficult to treat but is treatable even though it takes a long time for the meds to kick in.

So anyway, I cough pretty much day and night. If I have an hour not coughing I think I might be better but it never gets better. I have a lot of help, I have to...DS is bonding to her but I'm grateful to her for being SO verbal with him. He has superior "language" skills for his age and I think she definitely pushed that along when I couldn't.

So there is all this guilt around the cough. You should see me when I'm feeding him during an attack. It's not dangerous at all to him but let's say the nipple has fallen out of his mouth more than once.

My body is wrecked. I was a healthy slim 42 year old and now I'm just so gaunt and depressed. I don't know if I'm depressed about the illness or if it is PAD. I am also prone to depression but am not currently in therapy. I literally could not speak anyway.

It's more a nagging issue than a dangerous or life threatening thing but I just wondered if anyone else was dealing with chronic illness during the baby's first year (or longer) and how that affected your relationship with your baby.

I will tell you how I feel: I feel betrayed by my body. I feel like fate has pulled a mean trick on me now that we are finally able to parent, and then taking the ability to do it well away from me. I feel jealous of our caregiver, she is obviously closer to him than I am. I feel guilty that he has a mother who isn't feeling well most of the time and who coughs when she holds him or tries to sing or tell him a story.

The doc promises me this isn't permanent though it's been so long I don't trust it! Also, there is a mental element because every time I try not to cough, I cough.

So sometimes I feel like, though I am ill, I might be using the cough to keep an emotional distance from him. Is that crazy?

He is the most wonderful child, he is everything But looking at him I feel like I'm looking through a pane of glass. And the longer I'm sick the further away from him I feel.

I have had therapy, I cough much more when I try to speak so that is why I find it easier to write. I have been on all the boards: failed and contested, waiting for summer babies...through it all. But I never mentioned my cough once.

I pray I get better soon. For him and for me but mostly for him. Anyone else go through anything similar? I could really use some support right now. Thanks

[bajj]

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you might have a little bit of PADS. Have you talked to your doc about how you feel involving not just the cough, but your child?

Hang in there! We're here anytime you need to vent.

[kelceesmom]

Storm,
I hate to read about your guilt. Because that is exactly what it is. Don't let it get the better of you. I guess sometimes it just comes down to comprising. If you can't do something one way then we find another way to do it.

I have RA and when Kelcee was born is became much worse because of having to pick her up and hold her. It was excruciatingly painful at times. I hate that I have it because at times it does limit me to what I can do but I compromise in areas so I don't miss out on things.

I have a hard time picking her up from a standing position so I sit down first then stand up with her. I wish I had a different body at times but for me it is what it is and I make the best of it.

Try journaling your thoughts if you can't speak to a therapist and maybe you might get some clarification. Don't be so hard on yourself you are doing the best you can and are a wonderful mommy!!

[bajj]

I think Denice just gave you some excellent advice!

[Stormster]

And Denise that's exactly what I needed to hear (and not to hear). You are brutally honest and call me on it every time I feel guilty. That, if anything is what I have to get over! It is all part of this negativity I inherited from my mother THANKS MOM and I want to change it and try every day but I guess this guilt thing...

The kind of Therapy I was in is called Cognitive Therapy. And basically you make an assumption, and then you need to support it with facts. It's kind of interesting. Like I say "my child is going to be messed up from this" and then you have to come up with rational reasons you know this to be so. So often, it's just baseless assumptions based on insecurity and depression.

But what I really needed to hear is how you manage to pick up Kelcee. Sometimes I cough so hard I really hurt my ribs (it's pretty bad) and I have to do all kinds of creative things to get him up. I see my friends kind of scoop their kids up with one hand and I want to be able to do that too! BUTBUTBUT even though I do get desperate once in a while...I know how many people have managed with ailments far worse than mine.

Now I have to get a grip on my other ailment GUILT

[linda512]

It is hard when you feel your body has betrayed you. I am 43 and have degenerative arthritis in my hip. I have had it for about 5 years, but it has progressed rapidly the last year and I had it replaced 2 months ago. It has been hard- both before and after. I was not able to run and play with my son or carry him. I used to be very athletic and active. I have gained weight and am not fit anymore.
I am finally getting to the point in my recovery where I can carry my son and be more active and now my other hip is bothering me. I am waiting to get my MRI results but I can't bear the thought that I may have to go through this all again. I wish I could have taken care of this before my son came home. I wish I could just be healthy.
I am sorry you are not feeling well. You are not alone. I wish I had good advice for you.

[aspenhall]

A lot of Pads can be attributed to grieveing the "LOSS OF THE DREAM" wheather it is due to our limitiations or our children's limitations....

For you it's the cough, but for other's it's attahcment disorders etc...

The knee jerk reaction to PULL AWAY is normal when you are uncomfortable. So I can totally see you feeling bad about feeling *glad* once in a while, that you have a cough. Don't read anything in to any reaction you have....Give yourself permission to transition. AND TIME as well...

[Stormster]

Right on all counts though it's hard to believe I'd go to this much trouble to for a partially psychogenic cough. But it also makes sense. The adoption process was sooooo stressful as it is for everyone. Bad failed on, etc lots of scams and I sort of rolled out of each one soooo, tooo effortlessly.

Little did I know it was all playing havoc with my body.

Believe it or not I feel better hearing stories of people who have been there (or even worse)and have managed...to be honest, i was once feeling very desperate and all I could do is cry cry cry for Ethan. All I wanted was to hold him and be with him but I was too sick and you know what, it brought me closer to loving him him with all of me knowing that he is the one reason I can't go there.

[kelceesmom]

Gwen,

I know you are feeling guilty but please take the time to pat yourself on the back for everything that you do! E would not be where he is today without your loving care. You'll get thru this. And I apologize if I come cross to forward sometimes. I really don't mean to.

[Linny]

I think I relayed to you at one time, that when our third baby came to us, I had a horrible cough that was settled ONLY with codiene. Thankfully, I never had to take a full dose; but it made me sleepy just the same. Because of that, nights with our newborn were VERY fuzzy, and I felt tired and sore ALL the time.

Further, I'd only allow myself to take the medicine at night, so during the day, I'd cough myself into neck problems and---like you, rib pain as well.
I've also suffered from reflux-cough from time to time, taking Previcid that helps; though, like you've said, it does take some time to kick in.

That said, I can tell you that that horrible cough (that tickle kind of thing that seldom went away for very long) was something I'd had every single year since I was 17yrs old. (I'm now 50). The best thing I ever did was to start seeing a chiropractor. I would tell you that before doing that, I was the biggest doubter of chiropractic medicine, and wouldn't have thought twice about going.
My dh suffered for years with refluxive cough/ GERD.......and he no longer has ANY problems with it at all. (This has been almost six years ago that he sought treatment for it.) Truly, (and no, I'm NOT a chiropractor, or even related to one)........it can be a nerve within your back that can cause a lot of problems with the coughing---and feeling as though you continually need to cough. I KNOW that may sound so silly, but I swear to you, it really can!!!!

And, as far as guilt. Go easy on yourself. As others have said, that 'pulling away' is normal. Just keep it in check. At 50, this little one of ours (he's the fifth infant) is the biggest and heaviest baby we've EVER had! I can no longer carry him on my back--which has ALWAYS been my preference for bonding and being out with our babies. I hate strollers, and have had to compromise (in my book) to use one, simply because his weight and length, cause too much pressure on my neck and shoulders---no matter HOW much I've tried to 'work up to it'.

I fight getting very upset over that, and.....it pains me at times to hold him for very long, because of his weight and height. But, when I find myself complaining, that's when I know I need to keep it in check...and realize it's time to hold him on the sofa, or play more on the floor with him, KWIM?

That coughing can wear you out, I know. But you're staying on top of this; you're keeping it in check; and even if you've got help with him, I'm SURE he knows who momma really is---and it's you!
I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Sincerely,

Linny

[aclee]

But when I saw this title I knew I had to chime in. I have a chronic illness as well, it's autoimmune (Psoriatic Arthritis) anyway, about a year ago I started having a chronic cough...I know exactly how you feel. For me, it was a very tough time, complicated by a lot of other emotions from my childhood and everything else you can think of. I know that MANY chronic conditions and depression go hand and hand. With my arthritis, I don't suffer from the sadness as much, guilt regarding how it will effect my parenting...sure, but I only have crying jags once in a while from the arthritis...usually when my pain meds aren't working, or I'm between treatments. Anyway, to try and keep this short...my cough. It went on for months and months. I had chest x-rays and tried a slew of meds, nothing worked. This was all through my primary dr, not the dr that treats the arthritis. Everytime I went to her she would say my lungs were clear, everything sounded and looked good. I thought I was going crazy. She's a great Dr, but she had no idea what was going on. She tried to gently suggest I take some depression meds. I said, NO...there is something wrong with me. I'm sleeping in 30 minute sets at night and in between I wake up cough till I throw up, and then try to get back to sleep. It stunk big time. Finally she did a chest CAT scan...after 8 months of me not being able to laugh, sleep or do anything active. THe CAT scan showed major issues. They didn't really know what was wrong but something was. They finally consulted with my Rhuematologist. She wanted me to get a broncoscopy to rule out local irritants (we were working on our house). In the end, I am one of less than .05% of many many users of the drug Enbrel that it puts into respitory failure I think the main thing I want to get across to you is to make sure you have a comprehensive team of Dr's. Dr's these days are so busy that if we aren't the sqeaky wheel, we may not get any grease. I know first hand how difficult it can be to face a chronic disease that no one else really understands. Sometimes I think people believe I'm faking it all!

Regarding parenting a child while battling a chronic illness...believe that it's part of the plan. Believe that you child was placed with you for the benifit of your parenting...everthing included. The nipple falling out while he eats..teachs him patience throughout life. Having a mother that parents him with everything she has, even when it's a struggle teachs him perserverance. Having a mother that accepts help when needed teaches him about humility, and to accept the help and kindness of others. Try to focus on all the positve things that this condition can bring into your child's life. Some days it's all that keeps me going on our adoption journey...

[Stormster]

Oh Aclee that brough tears to my eyes. Thank you thank you thank you.

I had my CAT scan and my chest is clear. The pulmdoc (who is really excellent) said I needed to see a GI doc now and get a PH test done which sounds like a nightmare. Has anyone else had that done? She thinks I have reflux with an "element" of asthma and post nasal drip but that everything is stemming from the reflux. She took me off all inhalers and now I am only on Singulair once daily and Nexium twice daily. Made an appt. to see GI doc but the cough is no better, esp. when I try to talk.
I am also doing all the things people with reflux or Gerd do short of elevating the bed. I sit up straight almost all the time unless I'm asleep and I'm eating bland and lightly.

Linny, PLEASE tell me about the chiropractor? How long did you have to go before seeing results? What else can you tell me about it?

The baby is teething ....O/T oh and by the way it is really true that when I feel like throwing i the towel (whatever that means) I think of E and I know I have to hang tough. I don't think about anyone but him! Pretty amazing for a mother who doesn't feel bonded yet.

I have NEVER EVER had contact with anyone else with Reflux cough. I also get it every year! Thought it was allergies and maybe it is but ....ugh it stinks! Thanks guys and thanks for making me feel less "crazy" and alone. BTW my doc said these things are almost always organic in cause but that anxiety can make it worse. At least I'm not doing this to myself!

[jigger]

I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when I was 22. I had a baby when I was 24. I know just how you feel. Along with everything else that's hard about having a baby, your ridiculous body makes it ten times worse. In my case, I couldn't breastfeed. This wonderful thing that everyone said was such a super bonding experience was nothing but miserable for both my daughter and I. I made just enough milk that I felt guilty quitting but not enough that anyone was happy. it ended up with both of us crying every single time we tried it. It was one of the most horrible years ever. I'm prone to depression as well. It will get better. Your child will still love you and you are a wonderful mommy. You worked so hard to get to the place where you had a child now you just have to work to get better. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you feel better soon.

[Stormster]

Cough is gone! I hardly believe it's permanent but it seems to be. It's almost three weeks. I went online and did every single thing they recommend: quite chocolate, peppermint, fried foods, Apples every day (granny smith or jonasgold), tomatoes etc.

Double daily dose of Nexium (no side effects!!!)

Sit up straight, eat light.

I feel like I'm born again. AT first I still couldn't sing. I forgot how! But now I don't shut up!!!!!

Thanks for your support guys. This seems to have had a happy ending! Relief is a beautiful feeling. And Ethan and I are having a really fantastic time together. We play so much it's fun, I never played with my mom

[aspenhall]

YIPEEEEEEE!! Yay for you! I'm glad to hear the good news!