[sbaglio]

Hello,

My spouse and I are considering an adoption situation that we will most likely turn down, but I wanted to find out from those who have adopted how you deal with financial matters with birthmothers who are in financial straits. This issue has come up in our considerations about the situation.

The expectant mom with whom we are speaking suffers greatly from a lack of resources, and one thing we are wondering is how that will impact our relationship, should we end up adopting her baby. Her life is quite chaotic, and we worry about the impact of this in an open adoption with her.

Have any of you had requests for money (for food, rent, etc) or other type of help from birthmothers who are struggling? I feel we would have a sense of obligation - this would be our child's mother, how could we not help? Then again, I have no idea if there are laws against this AFTER the adoption. How does one navigate the situation, even if we are not asked for help, but sense that help is desperately needed?

Many thanks for your help.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

The expectant mom with whom we are speaking suffers greatly from a lack of resources, and one thing we are wondering is how that will impact our relationship, should we end up adopting her baby. Her life is quite chaotic, and we worry about the impact of this in an open adoption with her.

Have any of you had requests for money (for food, rent, etc) or other type of help from birthmothers who are struggling? I feel we would have a sense of obligation - this would be our child's mother, how could we not help? Then again, I have no idea if there are laws against this AFTER the adoption. How does one navigate the situation, even if we are not asked for help, but sense that help is desperately needed?

Many thanks for your help.

You are smart to consider these things. As for the effect of her chaotic life on an open adoption, it probably will have an impact. How much will be determined by the boundaries you set in the relationship, IMO.

As much as it may be tempting to "bail her out" of her financial problems, I would strongly recommend against it. For one reason, you are not responsible for her financial situation. If she chooses to place with you, do not let a sense of obligation cause you to start down this slippery slope. Some potential adoptive parents do choose to pay for some living expenses, but not all. It's important to know that a) each state has it's own laws regarding what is allowed, and b) anything you pay for would be "non-refundable" should she decide not to place after the baby is born. Only you can determine what you are willing to risk. I personally, was not willing to pay for living expenses. I felt like it was kind of like "buying" the right to parent her child.

I do not mean this to be harsh. I know that witnessing someone's financial struggle is very difficult, especially when you care about that person.

As for financial help after placement... If this were a family memeber of yours, would you feel the need to provide for him/her? Perhaps looking at the situation from a perspective without the child involved will help. You need to be free from the sense of obligation to "fix" this woman's life. As much as you may tend to think that you owe her after placement, it's not a healthy mindset for you or for her.

If you do enter into this relationship and pursue an open adoption, supporting the birth mom financially will cause a host more problems than her chaotic life ever would.

Best of luck to you as you sort this out!

[BrandyHagz]

While I agree - you are not responsible for her financial situation and you do need to consider ALL of the circumstances (including financial) prior to making a commitment...you also need to consider that circumstances change.

People with the most chaotic lives settle down.

People with the most settled lives spiral out of control.

While all you can do is make your decision based on what is going on now…keep in mind, this is only a snapshot of a lifetime.

Remember also – not that I support the expense involved in adoption at all – that most women considering an adoption plan for their unborn child are not in a sound financial position to start with. Many women place because parenting is not financially feasible, so consider that most any situation you come across.

I wanted to offer a differing view – because I know that adoptive parents are often required to make the most difficult decisions with a minimum amount of information.

You can have a successful open adoption with just about anyone, as long as the boundaries and guidelines are clearly outlined for everyone and the lines of communication are clear and open.

[aspenhall]

I think giving her a gift card as a xmas present would be a sound way of helping out...I know of aparents who provide long distance calling cards to make it easier to stay in contact.

Also, ANY gift given can be seen by the courts as COERSION to place. And in the event that she changes her mind YEARS later, if she can prove coersion, you will lose the child.

Here's a potential argument to think about:
"Your Honor, I couldn't afford a place to live, I couldn't afford to eat, They helped me keep my apt and helped me buy food, and although I had thought of placing my baby, I was afraid that if I changed my mind, They wouldn't help me anymore and I had no choice, I had to place for fear of being homeless, starving."

YOU may not intentionally be influencing her decision to place by helping her out, but she may feel the pressure to survive is greater than the desire to place.

I'd find out what the $$$ limits in utah are. also if it comes from a 3rd party it isn't as bad I don't think. So, submitting her name for utilities help, or giving programs wouldn't be bad, but handing her cash would be.

Also if you aren't providing the necessities of life for her, then it also isn't as bad.

Helping her get help for herself (WIC, medicaid etc...) is a good way to help. But before you do anything, talk to an adoption attorney. Twist the situation in your mind, and treat it as if she were any other pregnant mom in need. How far would you go? Would giving help now make it harder to decline helping her in the future? Can her bishop help instead?

[KatiesEd-dad]

I agree with everything that has been posted so far. For some reason, this is a "hot button" issue with me. I have never liked the idea of forking over cash for someone's living expenses with the idea that, in the event of a change of plan, we would be kissing our money goodbye. We don't have the financial reserves for that kind of assistance. I do believe in finding emom's the help that they need through public and private agencies. It feels to me like giving cash assistance is just leaving yourself open for fraud and accusations of coercion later on. I don't judge those that do help but I can tell you it's just not for me.

[sbaglio]

I appreciate all your thoughts. I have known the emom for a few years, indirectly through work, and the chaos in her life did not start with this pregnancy, but a long time before, unfortunately. We take everything you have advised to heart. We have stepped back (with a heavy heart...), and will wait to see what happens, from afar. Thank you again.

[aspenhall]

I have to say...if you know the emom well enough it may be less of an issue...

I'm usually the first to help with no strings attached if I am able....but in an adoption situation there is a balance of power and influence that needs to be kept.

You'll probably know best based on your state laws and your experience with the emom how she'd react...I just wanted to make you aware of the potential mine field you may be getting into.

If you can find a way to help that doesn't put you in the mine field, then go for it, in my opinion.

[gusmom]

IMO dont go this alone. Find a reputable attorney or agency. Ask them to do an identified adoption for you. they will keep the birthmom in line as far as expenses and also make you not feel guilty for leaving her hanging or for feeling like you are 'buying' a baby. Most of the time the expenses that i have seen are in regard to how their live has changed by being pregnant such as medical expense and maybe being off of work for the pre-delivery and 6 weeks after. If they were not working before the money was coming from somewhere. definatley get a budget from her, you will find that her needs are less than what you think. Our birthmom had a really cheap rent, i would have paid 3 times that much. good luck. It can work out but it sounds like you need an athoratative third party involved.