[dg8268]

Hello...I am so new to all of this. 3 1/2 weeks ago my husband and I adopted a baby girl, Anabelle, from Texas. She is now 5 weeks old. She is so beautiful and we have been trying for a child for 4 years now. Here is the problem...I hate being alone with her. All I do is cry. I am so depressed. I feel so selfish. I am not used to not sleeping 10 hours a night. I'm not used to not being able to run out for a cup of coffee. I feel like everyone thinks I'm nuts since this is what we have been waiting for for so long. She is a really good baby, but at the "witching hour" (7-11 pm) I don't know what to do with her. My husband seems to be the only one who can calm her down. On Tues and Wed nights he is out and I HATE it!!!

Please, please, please any advice, kind words or just a hello so I know I am not insane! Thanks!

Dana

[linda512]

You are not alone and not insane. It sounds like you have post-adoption depression- a real entity and very tough. I would get some help soon. Being a mother is hard and some degree of difficulty is expected, but it sounds like you are describing true depression.
There is help out there and you can feel better! I hope you get some help soon so you can enjoy your baby.
Good luck.

[myccg2004]

You are definitely not insane. We adopted our son(also from Texas) 4 years ago and it was the absolute hardest thing I have ever been through. Not the actual adoption but the being someones mom for the first time. I went from being at work all day long, out with friends whenever I wanted, shopping , dinners out all on the spur of the moment to being home 24/7 with a baby. It was tough. But you WILL adjust. And you WILL enjoy it!!
Your life has been turned upside down, in a good way but still upside down and that is hard. I also thought people were thinking, my god what's wrong with her. She's waited so long for this. I thought it A LOT. But it really does pass. In the meantime, please get some help. Maybe just some support so you can have a little time for yourself. That helps a lot. Also know you are not alone. There are many right here that have been through it. We will listen and we understand.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to.

Take care and please remember, this part will pass and the joy will shine through!!

[McNally720]

Oh you are not alone! I would definitely make an appt to discuss PADS with your doctor--but I think everyone goes through a little something when they bring home a baby for the first time!

I know it's surreal--one day you're wondering if it will actually happen, the next day you're driving home with a baby....and you have no real time to ease into the situation.

If you have friends who are available, see if they can come hang out with you when hubby's gone. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to hold the baby while you run to the bathroom or throw in a load of laundry.

Hang in there--it does get easier and you will adjust!

[joskids]

what you are feeling is felt by millions of first time (and second and third time) mothers throughout the world. Being a mother is a huge responsibility and, if you're taking it seriously, gives us an awful lot to worry about.

[kretzklan]

You are not crazy and not alone. PADS is a very real situation that many of us have gone through. My first 12 months were really rough, but I did get help. It took awhile for me to do it - I didn't want to seem like a failure...but I wish, wish, wish I had done it sooner. Talk to your husband about it - find someone who can help. It might be your doctor, a therapist or a psychiatrist. But, do look for help! You deserve that for yourself.

[Juliana13]

First, HUGS! Being a new mom is HARD! And although your love for your child will forever be added to by what you went through to get her, it is making things harder right now. Like another poster said, you spent all of your energy wishing and hoping and terrified, not being entirely sure that this would work out, and the next minute you are a mom. Your emotions didn't get the prep time that bio-moms get. That works against you. Also, you might feel (and often other feel) that since this is what you wanted so badly, you don't have a right to complain. You asked for it. You don't have the right to feel unprepared, overwhelmed, or to say 'I hate this' - ever. I felt that way, anyway. Luckily for me, my dad is a family therapist, and helped me understand, and finally believe, that I have a right to all of the emotions/fears/stresses that a bio-mom does. Sure we don't get post-partum depression (which is caused by hormones) but many adoptive moms get post adoptive depression. And some of us just get plain old depression, caused by the losses, stresses, emotional roller coaster, and life-changing events, topped off with no sleep. Heck, the lack of sleep alone can do that for me.

One of the best bits of parenting advice I ever got wasn't even directed at my parenting... My sister had just had her first baby, and I was visiting to help, visit, and oooh & ahhh. I was a little stressed at meeting all of the needs, and not being able to fix every little cry. I would run and pick him up whenever he cried and try to make him stop. My sister told me, "You know, it's okay for him to cry. If he's fed, dry and safe, sometimes, especially if you need to be somewhere else physically or emotionally, it's okay for them to cry. It doesn't hurt them." That advice seems simple, but really helped me a lot when a few years later my daughter came, and was terribly colicky. I had moments that I felt I could not do this one minute more. It helped to remember that sometimes, when I needed to, if she was safe, then it was okay for me to leave the room, take a breath or a shower or whatever, and come back when I could love her better.

Good luck. Get some help. Not just so you can survive (although that is good enough reason) but so you can enjoy this time, too. Maybe medication short term, for a little while until your life re-stabilizes, or maybe just a good friend to come over when you need it. The first few months are the toughest. Give yourself 3 months easy before you expect yourself to be able to function normally.

My husband wrote a huge sign for me and tacked it to the fridge. It said that I did not have to have dinner ready, do any dishes get dressed, clean the house or say 'yes' to anyone for anything that I didn't want to until ____ (insert date when my daughter would be three months old). Well, things happened, and he later scratched out the date and added a couple of months. And he was true to it - he did not expect anything from me during that time except to care for our baby. If I did do anything on that list he made sure to notice, except if I said yes to a favor, then he usually lectured me about getting worn thin. I am susceptible to depression, and that was a tough time for me. Meds helped, and knowing that it would last for only a few months helped a lot, too.

Good luck. Please get help. And keep us posted on how you are doing! It's tough!!

[Juliana13]

Okay - so that was WAY longer than I had intended!

But I really want you to know you are not alone, your feelings are normal, and to do whatever you have to to get through this time. It gets better. It really does. And when it gets better, you will be amazed at how good it gets! It will take your breath away.

[dg8268]

Thank you so much! Everyone gave me that advice as well about the crying. My sistersays that no baby ever got hurt from crying. I feel like she is too young to let her cry though. How old are your children? Where did you adopt from?

[Juliana13]

Originally Posted by dg8268

Thank you so much! Everyone gave me that advice as well about the crying. My sister says that no baby ever got hurt from crying. I feel like she is too young to let her cry though. How old are your children? Where did you adopt from?

My children are now almost 6 and 3. They both came from here - domestic. Our daughter was from Washington, where we lived, and our son was born out of state. We got them at 2 and 3 days old. I agree with the too young to just let them cry thing. I never did let my children just cry - like cry themselves to sleep, or whatever. But it was lifesaving when I felt frustrated, or desperately needed a quick break. Colic was SOOOO hard for me! (Okay, probably not so fun for my daughter, either - but she doesn't remember it!) She would sometimes cry for 8 or 9 hours (started at about 4 weeks old). And nothing I did would help. I tried all the tricks. People who knew they could "fix" it would come over to try out whatever their proven method was, and no improvement. My husband had a job that caused him to be away a lot (he has since gotten a new job) and I was at my wits end. It lasted for 2 months (two eternally long months). And stopped on her 3rd month mark. Just like the books said it might. I remember holding her that night, when she turned 3 months old and crying. I told her she had to stop, because I couldn't do anymore. And the next day she was fine. No colic. Done. (Of course, the sleep deprivation and other struggles continued, so it is still hard, even without colic.)

Okay, enough of my sob tale... But seriously, your post is bringing back memories of the "dark time" And I am now sitting here thinking, are we sure we want a third??? Are we brave enough to do another newborn?? Yikes!!

Okay, back to you... I agree with you that I wouldn't advocate just "letting her cry" on a regular basis - but if you are at the end of your rope, then it helps to know that it is okay to put her down and walk away. Babies can feel our stress and frustration, and sometimes it helps to put her down and step outside for a breath before going back in to hold her again. (Just don't lock yourself out!!)

Being a mom, especially a new mom of a newborn is SOO much work!! It is not always the blissful, peaceful, beautiful time that one sometimes envisions. And it may all end up as a blur in your memories. These new little ones need a lot of care, and keep needing it. And keep needing it. And you keep giving it. Just make sure you are taking care of you. Your baby needs her mom to be in good shape emotionally. Wish I was there to help more... Hang in there!

[aspenhall]

Normal is a relative term....I reacted in the way that was "normal for me" Had I looked I would have seen a bit of the hard times coming right on schedule based on my prior track record...

First of all, if YOU are hard on yourself you can actually destroy yourself...Give yourself permission to grieve, and adjust. Give yourself permission to take care of you. Never feel guilty for anything....even poor choices....chalk it up as an experience, find the good in the lesson and move forward.

Consider that your baby may also be grieving too. And accept that at the moment you might not be able to do much for her.

In the beginning of parenting my child, I gave myself a pat on the back for each day I was able to "keep her alive" (feed her, protect her) Anything more than that was simply a bonus....and Nothing else was required yet.

Play uplifting energizing music, read a favorite book even if it's just a few pages at a time. Get an "in house helper" I called my 12 yr old sis over to "play with my dd" so I could just give my brain a rest from focusing on her...I was still in the home, but I was able to let someone else tend to all her little tiny immediate needs while I was around for any big ones.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Oh the memories! When DD was a newborn I said so many times, "IF I make it through this, I will NEVER do this again!!!!" The lack of sleep alone really undid me too. There could be something very real to the fact that we don't have the discomforts of pregnancy to prepare us for the night wakenings. As a fellow "10 hour" sleeper, a few hours here and there was pure torture. That alone zapped my coping mechanisms down to nill.

The witching hour crying was also the time I needed DH to step in. I just couldn't take it. I felt so guilty, but he handled it better than I did. I would actually put in earplugs and sleep from 7-10pm, and then take over for the rest of the night, since DH had to work the next day. Like I said, I felt guilty, but without those few hours of sleep, I could NOT face the rest of the nighttime hours. Would that be possible for you on the nights your DH is home?

I share my experience because it helped me so much to know that others had felt the same thing. These forums were great sounding boards for the struggles of new motherhood and adoption. I hope you'll find the same support.

(Ironically, the other post I made today was about the fact that we're considering a second adoption, so I must be the insane one! If we do, you can encourage me when I'm crying, "What have I done?????!!!!!!")

[cxk04d]

This is a great thread. I am feeling so stressed, irritable and depressed lately now that we have adopted and I feel terrible about it. I feel so blessed to have our baby girl, but the lack of sleep is terrible. Our baby is three months and was sleeping through the night until the holidays, now I think she is teething and so much for any kind of schedule. I love being a stay at home mom, but it is hard not having any social contact during the day. DH helps with the baby, but does not see her fussiness during the day. I have an appt. with my doctor on Friday to discuss antidepressants, but it is nice to know that others have goine through this.

[Lilly's Mommy]

CXK,

(((Hugs))) to you in this tough time!!! I'm glad this thread was some consolation. As I said, knowing that others felt the things I was feeling helped me a lot as well.

Good for you for making an appointment with your doctor!

Hoping that better days are near for you!

[cxk04d]

Thanks! These forums are great!!