[NavyMomma]

I am really hoping that someone out there has some kind words for me!! My husband and I were recently matched with a 2 yr old boy (B). We brought him home in september (we are adopting from foster care). He is a wonderful child! Very happy and sweet! He had very little trouble adapting to our home and he has bonded amazingly well with dh.

The problem is I haven't bonded. He rejects me when I try to bond with him and it makes me so resentful. I think it's a cycle of me trying, him rejecting, me getting upset, and then all over again. It's horrible! And I spend a lot of my day crying. It's only been 6 weeks, but there are days that I just really don't like him. I feel so terrible to even say this, but I have to get it out.

No one seems to understand. DH thinks I am over reacting and insists that B loves me and is bonded. My friends don't really get it. I even went to my doctor because I have been really depressed, and she told me that it's normal to have a hard adjustment when so much changes in your life, and to come back in a few months if I don't feel better (very helpful - thanks... )

I want to bond with him and love him, but it's so hard when he rejects me for DH (and even my neighbor who is a close friend!)

Has anyone dealt with this? Will it get better? How can I bond with my son?

[sundara]

Check for Reactive Attachment Disorder in the "special needs and attachment" section of the forums - this sounds like it may be something along those lines, and the reactions you are describing (from DH & family) are also similar. Trust your instincts on this.

My kids were adopted much older (10+ years old) and the initial 3 years seemed like they were really bonded, but now we are dealing with issues surrounding them all being "loosely bonded". Now that I know more, the warning signs were there, but subtle.

[Lorraine123]

Sounds like attachment disorder to me as well. Look into getting him into attachment therapy. Just be sure the therapist is an "attachment" therapist otherwise it will do more harm than good. Since he is so young, with therapy and therapeutic parenting, he has a great chance of healing.

[NavyMomma]

Thanks ladies, more questions for you:

How do I go about finding an attachment therapist?
Can B have rad if he is bonding with others--just not me?
Could it be my fault that I am not bonding with him?

[aspenhall]

He may be "faking" the bond to punish you (female mom role, not personal)

In an older child adoption, there will always be "bonding issues" depends on the severity whether it is RAD.
I didn't bond to my dd the way i wanted to for close to 3 yrs.

Go to Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN and also Attachment Disorder information and support at ATTACh.org. to look for attachment therapists.

First steps are, no not allow ANYONE else to meet his needs...he needs to learn that YOU provide for him....and YOU are the only way his needs will be met. Schedule cuddle time on your terms....rocking and feeding him sweet things. If you don't feel like it, fake it. Eventually you'll begin to feel it. Get on some mild meds like wellbutrin for example....takes the edge off and makes your emotions a bit harder to reach (did for me anyway).

Keep in mind, bonding is a process...if he shows immediate affection to anyone it is most likely false. Do not allow him to see you hurting until you can be sure it is NOT his goal to hurt you. basically remove all your triggers from his reach. Have your hubby defer to you in all situations...if he needs a drink, hubby gets asked, and tells son to have YOU get it for him. No trust can be built if there is NO situation to prove your trustworthiness. How can you prove you'll meet his needs if you never have the chance to meet them.

Keep in mind his rejection of you is due to your role in his life...not you the person. He is rejecting "the mom"... tell yourself that each time...and rejoice that he sees you as "the mom" to be rejected...if you didn't matter, he wouldn't bother. (just look at the female neighbor/sitter whoever, they don't matter and he knows it.)

It is ok to take some time to get used to your NEW JOB. I didn't even feel anything positive for 9 months (not a coincedence).

If you beat yourself up, you'll never heal. Give yourself permission to go thru the transition. Motherhood is hard enough without added guilt. And when you hear yourself thinking negatively about yourself, ask if it were said out loud, by anyone else, how would you react? would you tolerate such emotional abuse from another person?

[kretzklan]

OH my, do I know where you are coming from! My children came home and for the first year to 18 months...I wondered daily what I had done. I could not find it within ME to bond with them. Their attachment was moving along at the rate that is normal. They came to me to have their needs met, they showed affection, all the signs I had read about in my studies prior to the adoption. But, each time there was even the smallest bump in the road, I freaked out. I felt lost and confused and could not "feel" what I expected to feel. I tried my best to "fake it until I made it"...but there were days that task was very hard for me. I now believe they felt my apprehension - even though I worked hard to hide it. Once I felt my guard going down, their small issues began to subside. I don't think anyone can expect to fall immediately in love with an older child (a non-infant)...we, as humans, are not wired for that. It would be like going on a blind date and getting married on the same night.

I guess all of this is to say that children feed off us...whether or not we know it. It could be that your son has some attachment issues. But, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion too quickly. GIve it a little time and see if the changes that will happen in you allow him to more firmly attach to you as well.

Good luck. Don't beat yourself up!

[jigger]

So I fostered my son for almost a year and we bonded a lot during that time. But strangely, after he was "officially" adopted, I spent a whole lot of time thinking "what the heck have I done?" It's finally getting better now and I've tried to fake it. Sometimes it works and sometime it doesn't. He and my bio daughter could both feel the pressure. Just give it time and get yourself some help. Mild antidepressants or even the occasional massage might help. Give yourself a break. All families have hard times. Sometimes it's about money sometimes it about an adoption. it's been almost a year since my adoption and I'm just now getting to the point that I'm not anxious about it all the time.

Maybe spend time together in places where there's no pressure but where he still needs you to have fun. Like the park or at Chuck E.Cheese where he can play the games by himself but has to keep you close to keep the tokens coming. =)

Most of all, try to tell yourself that everything does not have to be perfect all the time. I spend lots of time wasting guilt on the fact that my son came from a terrible background and I feel like I somehow have to make up for that. I'm getting over those feelings but I understand how hard it is. . . .

Stick in there.

[srt4life]

Im not sure were your coming from but I was the adoptee that did that. All I can say is dont give up on him. I thank God every day for my adopted parents not giving up on me, its not easy Im sure but one thing for sure when he gets older and understands your sacrifice for him he will thank you. I do.

[linda512]

I don't know a lot about RAD but I do know about depression. And post adoption depression is real (not what I have). I would see another doctor and see about getting treated. If you are depressed, it will be very hard to bond with a child who is hard to bond with (if you get what I mean).
Good luck.

[ShalomRanch]

Please check out Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder to see the list of camps that help families bond. I run one in Canada and help with one in Texas. They are great. Nancy Thomas is the expert that runs the camps. Check out her website and see the great resources she has. Her work has helped us greatly. Our oldest used to be RAD and has come through it.

Sincerely,
Marie Sherwood