[Beautyqueen616]

Well guys it has been a long time since I posted on this board. Our daughter was born on August 11th at 11:03 am by emergency c-section after 55 hours of labor. SHe weighed 8 pounds and was 21" long and perfect, she has reddish brown hair and blue eyes. She is now 8 weeks and just had her first shots, she is up to 10 pounds 14 ounces and 23" long. We were there for her birth, most of the labor. Things went great, we were given our own room with her and had her with us the whole time. Now here is my issue.

A little background is the birthmom is 15 and a friend of the family, her father and my FIL have been friends since highschool. Now she has had alot of issues, very little parental guidance growing up, as a result she has seen alot that she should not. Right after Kiernan was born Bmom started to get it together, she was moving in with her dad and starting a new, much better high school. She was really excited. I asked around and alot of my friends were able to help me get clothes together for her to go back to school. We had agreed to see each other about once a month for the first 3 months, after that every few months until she was 1 and after that just around her birthday and christmas. Well now she is calling and wanting us to come over all the time. The thing is she only wants us there if her friends are going to be there, if we can't make it when her friends are there then she does not want us there. I can't keep going over there every other week. In front of her friends she refers to herself as mommy, I have told her you are not her mommy. If her friends aren't around she does not even talk to Kiernan. It's pretty much just all a show for her friends. Also she has slipped back down. She is showing very promisculous (sorry can't spell that) behavior. The clothes I got her, she has taken them and written very vulgar sayings all over them and torn up the shirts to make them smaller. I cannot do this, I feel like taking Kiernan around that is just going to end up being bad for her. I do not want her to grow up seeing this behavior and thinking this is ok. I also can't keep letting Bmom run our lives and wanting to see her every week (we don't go that often but that is what she wants). Last time we were over she wanted to feed Kiernan (because her friends were watching) so we let her, well she got frustrated and yelled at her so I got up and took her away, you will not yell at my daughter. My DH and I are both finishing up college and will be graduating, him next month and me in January, so our time is pretty limited anyway and she is just eating up what we have.

I don't want to hurt her but I do not want to keep taking my daughter into this situation. Anyone else ever been in the same boat?

[ValerieP]

Congratulations in your new growing family!

We have a open adoption with our daughter's birthmother. (Monthly comminication via email, or mail with photos), phone calls and visits when we all are available.

For the first two months, I received phone calls two and sometimes three times a day from G's birthmom... and they tapered off as she became more confident in our raising G and her own feelings. Now we talk to her and or see her about once every other month. (I prefered the more frequent communication, but I respect G's birthmom's needs.) She was also 15 when she conceived.

Every adoption is different and I would suggest that you set ground rules for what you want and feel comfortable with -- but always allow some wiggle room for changes as the relationship grows.

An open adoption is, in my humble opinion, the only way to go... and I will try to adopt again with another birthmother who would like an open adoption.

[aspenhall]

I'm not in the same boat, but NOW is an excellent time to set boundaries. I would be VERY FIRM in setting a schedule for visits. Let her know this is not working and it needs to change.

Let her have ONE visit with a friend for every 3 visits without. AND, no "playing mommy" it is YOUR JOB not hers. She may play with her, look at her etc... when friends are there... If it is just her than I wouldn't mind so much, but you need to establish NOW what is ok, and what is not ok...Or things will only get worse. No more gifts etc. from you. Except birthdays. And even then don't go overboard. You don't need to feel guilty for adopting. And you are the mom now, not just a babysitter.

Be Kind, but also be firm and fair. The open adoption is between the 3 of you...it doesn't involve NON family.

Anyone else have any ideas here?

[Beautyqueen616]

I guess I should be really clear that the part the really causes me issues is she wants nothing to do with her unless her friends are there. She actually said to me the last time "when are you guys leaving because I have other stuff to do", she said this after her friends said they wanted to walk over to walmart. Everything this kid does is for show and attention. I have known her 8 years, DH has known her since she was born so he knows everything that has went on in her life and it's all craziness. I just don't want Kiernan to feel like she was an inconvienence or that she was thought of as just a toy.

I love her with all my heart and would go to the ends of the earth to protect her from any kind of harm. It was instant, as soon as I laid eyes on her I knew nobody would ever hurt her if I had my way. Yes there will be boyfriends and friends and kids in school but that's all the norm.

We thought that having this be an open adoption would really help bmom and help her get things together and really make a change. That's why I was trying to help her and be involved in her life. Also the house they live in is pretty dirty and when we are over there I have to change her on the floor and I always take a change of clothes for all of us because they smoke so much it's cloudy air and we all reek.

[timni]

My biggest advice is remember that the bmom is 15. To to girls her age a baby is actually like a toy, a doll per se. and since she isn't doing the mothering I am sure that makes it more so. She IS going through major emotional trauma right now. She may not be showing it, but she is. Ask any one of the bmoms on this site. She is 15 and is prob not able to express herself or even understand what is going on.

That being said - tell bmom that you need to set up a schedule for visits. This doesn't have to be a big thing. It can be said as easily as I am working on putting our family on a set schedule to help dd I would like to set uop specific times that we can get together.

Also realise it may take a lot of time for her to get it. I hope you continue in your open adoption. I can tell you from experience (very similar to yours) It is not easy but it is rewarding and your child will thank you for doing it. Try and remember why you wanted an open adoption is your childs well being.

Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk. I have been there dd bmom still likes us to come eat where she waits table so she can show off dd. I do b/c I am happy dd is still a part of her life.

[TxMom65]

I agree with the person above me, 15 is so young. It sounds like she still doesn't have much guidance.

I think I would try to have a schedule but if not, I would at least have a firm rule that no friends are allowed at a visit. It is her and her only.

[BrandyHagz]

I hesitate to post this, but something you said in your reply jumped out at me and I really felt I needed to say something.

We thought that having this be an open adoption would really help bmom and help her get things together and really make a change.

It sounds to me like you had some really unrealistic expectations of Open Adoption. It also sounds like you went into this for some of the wrong reasons – not *bad* reasons…just not the reasons that OA exists.

I would suggest that you try reading more about OA so that you can better deal with the issues you’re facing now.

Something else you said:

I have known her 8 years, DH has known her since she was born so he knows everything that has went on in her life and it's all craziness.

It sounds like you knew her, her lifestyle, her family, the state of their home and the kind of person she was prior to matching with her and adopting your child.

Often times, this stuff doesn’t change…or if it does, it’s not a huge overnight change, like it seems you were hoping for. I think you’d be in a much better place if you could realize this…realize that there is nothing you can do, including adopting her child, that will make things better or different for her…if she doesn’t want it or isn’t willing to make the changes herself.

I encourage you to read some books about OA – set some boundaries – lay out your expectations and communicate with her openly.

If you’re going to expect her to act like an adult in your relationship, you’ll need to treat her like an adult – that includes talking to her and laying things out for her.

Good luck – OA is hard – I’ve been doing it for almost 12 years and the difficulties are definitely there, on both sides.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I would suggest that you try reading more about OA so that you can better deal with the issues you’re facing now.

I have to agree with a lot of what Brandy said. Regarding reading up on it, try Lifegivers by James L. Gritter. It's an eye-opener.

[lovemy2boys]

I agree with what everyone is saying. We've gone through some really hard times in our OA, mostly because we had a hard time setting boundaries, and when you don't set boundaries, people tend to take advantage (not just in adoption, but everywhere). Our first son's bmom sounds similar to your situation. She'd come over and virtually ignore AJ - she was going through rough times in her personal life and looked to us as "friends". She also would bring many different people to our home and it was pretty uncomfortable.

Basically, we had to be honest with her, which she DID NOT take very well. She became very angry with us and said some pretty nasty things. We pulled back a bit for our son's sake as well as our own, and eventually have reached a point where things are going pretty well. She still tests the boundaries, but this time we are firm. (UGH - sometimes when I read/hear myself talk about things like "boundaries" it seems so sanctimonious - that is not my intention. She really did cross the line, and we allowed it).

If your daughter's bmom is used to getting her own way (not just with you but with her own parents), it may be difficult for her at first, especially considering her age. Then again, it may be just what she needs. We all need to know there are limits in life. Good luck!

[Beautyqueen616]

I did not expect things to change overnight, I really did not expect her to change at all considering alot of the things she said during the adoption process. What I hoped was us staying in her life (we had not seen her for a long time because she had to go live with her mom, she was able to go to court and can now live with her dad though) it would help her. She's the kid who nobody but boys and older men have paid attention to her. It's sick and sad. She has always looked up to me and always had more respect for my husband and his brother then anyone else, she considers them her brothers. I really worry about her, I see alot of potental in her but even though her dad is a much better parent then her mom he's still not the best. He lets her run and do what she wants but he does keep tabs on her. I just know that if she got the help she needed she could make a change. She needs therapy but won't go. I know she's 15, I was there once and it's a time I really would rather not remember LOL 15 is a hard age. DH and I are going to talk tonight and come up with guidelines and then when we go see her again we will take a printed copy for her to have. We want her to understand we are not shutting her out, I want to keep her involved I just want her to know that it has to be reasonable on both our parts.

I think our guidelines should go something like this and you guys help me and tell me if this sounds reasonable.

Visit's once a month as we had previously agreed to. We will go ahead and keep that up even though it was just supposed to be for the first few months. We will let her know we cannot come over weekly or biweekly because it just takes to much time out of our already limited time. One friend only can be there, she has one really good friend who is super sweet and I like her alot. I think she is a good influence on bmom. I do not want the boys that she is friends with present. Also if someone has been smoking they will not be holding Kiernan. Visits will be 1 hour, not set in stone but roughly 1 hour. If she chooses to leave during that time then the visit is over and we will also leave. We will continue to provide her with pictures monthly.

I DO want her involved. I have always seen so much potential in her, even when she was the hyper active 7 year old that I met. She is full of life and is such a beautiful person. She had been talking about getting a job but the places around her house don't hire until 16. She said when she had a job she wanted me to go shopping with her after she had a few paychecks to get her some cute clothes (in her words "not slutty') and makeup. We were also going to do a treatment on her hair, that was actually going to be her Christmas present (I do hair).

The type of person I am is the rescuer. I did not adopt Kiernan to save bmom or anything like that. They knew we had wanted to adopt for awhile, they did not know how long. Bmom wanted Kiernan to go to someone she knew, I felt it was meant to be. I knew what open adoption is but our situation is also a little different then a regular open adoption because we were friends first.

[Leigh131313]

I think those guidelines are totally fair. It's more than you had originally agreed to.

The hard part is going to be telling her - and enforcing if she tries to push the boundaries.

Good luck - this is important.

[loveajax]

I think as a parents we can get "sucked into" this vision of adoption being the best thing for the birth parents. In the sense of, "yes, now they can [fill in the blank...mine was "go back to school and stop working in such tough, lowpaying jobs.")." Having these thoughts made me feel "better" about the adoption because I thought it was providing them with an opportunity. I realize now that that was pretty unreasonable for me to do....and moreover it's really none of my business what DD's birth parents do as long as it does not affect her negatively, you know?

In YOUR case, however, I think you have the additional "pressure" of being family friends and really caring for DD's birth mom (almost sounds like as a younger sister or something).

I am sure she is grieving, but it also sounds like she is just really confused about everything and what the "deal" is. I think setting boundaries now may help everyone involved. GOOD LUCK!

[ca-bigsister]

I'm just wondering why the friends have to be there. I'd do visits with just her and not have the friends there.

[Beautyqueen616]

Loveajax, a young sister is exactly how I thought of her. I didn't think things would change until the end right before KiKi was born. S had said she could not wait to go back to school and get on with her life and was so happy she would be part of Kikis life.

Oh well. S got arrested last Tuesday and who knows how long she is gone for. She had something like 7 charges. She has a hearing tomorrow and we will know how long she is gone for. Her dad thinks it's best we stay gone for awhile and heis getting her back into therapy, should have been all along!

[joelynn]

Originally Posted by Beautyqueen616

Loveajax, a young sister is exactly how I thought of her. I didn't think things would change until the end right before KiKi was born. S had said she could not wait to go back to school and get on with her life and was so happy she would be part of Kikis life.

Oh well. S got arrested last Tuesday and who knows how long she is gone for. She had something like 7 charges. She has a hearing tomorrow and we will know how long she is gone for. Her dad thinks it's best we stay gone for awhile and heis getting her back into therapy, should have been all along!

Sounds like the best....{{{HUGS}}}!!!