[laurie2275]

I am having a huge issue here. A little over a year ago my cousin contacted me. Her sister has ALWAYS had issues and been in and out of trouble. She had 4 kids at the time and was a drug user. Well, she had tol everyone that she was giving the 4th up for adoption when she was born. No one heard from her for awhile. INcluding her sister. She told people the baby was adopted. Well, her sister found out that was a lie. The baby was taken away from her because she had treces of heroin, cocaine and meth in her system. She was in foster care and had been for 7 months. So, since the "good" sister and I have always been close, she know that I had casually mentioned that I had always wanted to adopt. We have one beautiful bio child and would just love to have a sister for her. So, she asked is I would consider adopting this baby. After talking about it with DH and my mom and everyone I know, I decided to go for it. Got in contact with the state, had backgroud check, did visits in the home supervised, unsupervised, nights, weekends. Driving 2 hours away to pick her up and then turn around and go the 2 hrs home 2 times a week for 5 months. I REALLY, REALLY wanted this baby. Well, we finally got her on Dec. 23rd and have had her in the home ever since. We are in the process of finalizing the adoption. Parental rights have been terminated. BUT THERE IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

Our new DD is a nightmare. She constantly screams and crys when she doesnt get what she wants, she lacks eye contact, hits, does not cuddle or like to be held, intentionally goes after everything she is not supposed to, strains in her car seat to get out and scream all car ride. AND MUCH MORE.

Now, I work full time and found the most amazing babysitter in the world for her. She was a nurse in a NICU and became a foster parent 20 yrs ago. She has 2 bio kids and 4 adopted kids, takes care of 4-6 more foster to adopt kids for daycare. She has seen abused, neglected, drug addicted, all kinds of psychiatric disorders. In that time she has NEVER turned away a child. UNTIL NOW. She does not think she can care for my DD anymore. It is wearing on her and affecting how much she has to give her other children. She is very concerned for me and my DD. She said that almost all the children that come into her home she would snatch in a minute but believes that Sophie has such a problem attaching that she does not think that this will get better. I have felt she has attachment issues and have discussed this often with my caregiver. She and I talk about the "bad days" all the time. I think I fool myself into thinking its getting better because I am more used to it. I do things to avoid her screaming. Like I know if I put her in her high chair and make her breakfast she will scream the whole time I am making it, if I make it before, we avoid the screaming until after she is "done". We have tried holding and bottle feeding her, rocking her, skin on skin contact. Holding her and looking her in the eyes saying "i love you" softly. (while she screams the entire hour). Recently we took her and my other daughter to the beach for 2 weeks. Coming back, my caregiver realized what it is taking out of her. Don get me wrong, she is not leaving me high and dry and will go through the process with me if I ask. Her recommendation is to get a psych eval and neurological exam done. Delay the adoption. Ask for respite care for a few weeks and have her come back into the home in order to see her with a new fresh perspective. She told me that we need to weigh how this will affect me, my DH and other DD in the long run if this can not be fixed. She said the behaviors get worse. She is well connected in our state and has many foster parent friends and has seen lots of cases like this in her friends homes. She even saw a little girl (age 5 ) put feces in the familys food. Anything and everything not to attach.
I am going to do all that she recommends but I am not sure what to do at this point. Losing her will be like a child dying for me. She is my kid (although I know I have not bonded with her as much as I want to). I would be heartbroken, jealous if someone else can do better, guilty, and constatly worry about her.
Keeping her and having this not get better but worse, though would be even well, Worse. My brother went through some bad years in his teenage years. Got into drugs, stole, verbally abused everyone. It ripped my parents marriage apart. And more than that, I was the "good" one and as a result to this day anything good he does is "so wonderful" and everything nice that I do doesnt even get looked at. I DO NOT want this for me, my DH and my daughter.
I am just looking for experiences, advice, anything to help me with this gut wrenching decision.

[Lorraine123]

If you cannot parent this child just as she is now, I not recommend finalizing the adoption. There is no guarantee that an attachment disordered child will heal. Without healing, she will get worse. With that said, she is very young and her prognosis is good. You need to find an attachment therapist. The therapist will help you with ways to aid attachment. Its a lot of hard work but can be done. She will not heal without attachment therapy.

[angelkisses0102]

We parented and healed an AD/RAD infant...our DS was 8 months at adoption...he is now 4 years 1 month old and it is just in the last 11 months that he has only shown healthy attachment. The first year was a living nightmare...the next year was full of ups, downs, and very, very low downs.

His healing required tremendous sacrafices...including me being forced to quit my job. His healing changed every aspect of our lives...our finaces took a severe hit (there were other factors but the cost to heal DS was the biggest factor) ...to the point that we are legally financially insolvent, our home is in forclosure and my marriage is teetering on the brink of divorce. The hardest, however is the impact healing my son had on my daughter...I struggle with guilt from this daily.

Healing, if even possible, and parenting a RAD child is not easy and if you do not feel your situation will allow it...well I agree with Lorraine...do not finalize. As she states, it will just get worse as the child ages.

All that being said...for us...adopting our son was not a mistake...it is not something we regret and we feel blessed having him in our family...everything else in our lives will work out or it won't. And when I get a 'big hug' and a kiss from my little guy...well I know it was all worth it. (Although if you asked me while I was living it...well the answer may have been different.)

All the best to you...and that little girl.

[laurie2275]

Thanks so much for the support. My DH and I are willing to do work on this. I guess we need a diagnosis first and go forward from there. Reading these posts on attachment disorders and things some of these toddlers have done though really frighten me. I dont know if I can handle all that. I am a really loving person and am very sensitive. It kills me when she pushes me away all the time. I will be hurt no matter what. I wish my cousin never contacted me and that I never got involved because we are in hell now.

[Amysue1112]

After reading your post I was really hoping Angelkisses would read this and post. She is the absoute BEST and most knowledgable person on this forum when it comes to attachment/RAD. Her DS is absolutely precious but I know she went through sooo much to get him to where he is today.

The very sad apart this type of situation is that some children are so hurt they may never recover. You certainly are an amazing person to be willing to adopt a child that needs a family. I know you want this to work but you have to keep yourself, you DH and your other daughter in a healthy environment. If you decide this is too much for you to handle, you are not a failure. If your daughter is not healing in your home, this may not be the best place for her. Not that there is anything wrong with you and your family, but this poor little girl may never be able to recover from all that she has gone through. There are significant changes in a child's brain when they develop inside a drug addicted mother. DO NOT beat yourself up if you cannot "fix it". You are doing the best you can and that is all that can be expected.
I too would hold off on finalization until you get her evaluated and treatment that she needs. At this point there is no reason to push for finalization right now. You need to conserve your time and energy right now..Take care of yourself...ask for help...talk to the docs,and keep coming back here. I am not one wish a child with these types of problems, but I know there are MANY people here going through the same stuff. Reach out to them...I know they will do all that can to help. In the meantime, I will pray for you..Ihope you get the guidance and the clarity that you need to get through this difficult time.

[aspenhall]

Her severe attachment issues may stem from her inability to trust based on the withdrawl from the drugs in her system, and the pain of that. I say, she is young, and trust your gut. As they grow they can escalate (usually do) but at such a young ag, in such a stable environment, she may easily grow out of it...and by the time she is 4-5-6 may be able to finish fully healing, because she will be able to reason better. That being said, you need to look at her behaviors as a language, it isn't personal against you. ...and another disruption will make things worse. I would cross post this in the Special Needs Forum.

[joskids]

I'm not as knowledgeable as some on this board but I have fostered a 13 month old that put us through hell that first year, screaming, eating issues. The fact that the agency moved him to our home with no preplacement visits, in the middle of the night, from the only foster home he had known (where he was left in the bedroom with his 5 year old sister for most of the day), didn't help. Over a period of almost a year I worked very hard to get him to bond, it wasn't easy and some days I wanted to scream (or drop him off of a bridge), but with my husband's support and as a stay-at-home mother, we were able to work through some of his issues. We helped the agency find an adoptive family who co-slept with him and he's doing very well now. Take your time, it sounds like your have a very wise babysitter.

[lucyjoy]

Don't finalize this adoption until you're sure you want to do this. You may love this child, but if you can't live with her if she doesn't change, it might be best to let her go.

Is it possible for you to not work for awhile? If you got a good attachment therapist and spent some serious time working with this child, at her age, the prognosis for healing is very, very good.

You might want to check out the support groups at Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN

[Linny]

You've received excellent advice from the posters above. We've adopted many times (8)....and three of these were older adopted children. One had severe RAD, while the other two had attachment disorders of a lesser type.
Still, all three have failed. The most severe went to residential housing after living with us for four years. He is an adult now, and hasn't healed one step further from his RAD issues, than he did when he left our home at 11yrs.
RAD is extremely difficult to deal with. It makes your home and life---hell. Other than having children with sexual predatory behaviors in your home, I can think of no other behavior that is more dangerous---or more difficult to deal with.
HOWEVER.......this child IS very young. There IS hope, because of her age. As the others have said, this doesn't mean healing will happen. The incidence of children with RAD who DO heal, isn't high. HOWEVER, it is a fact that the younger the child is when treatment begins, the higher the chances of healing.

That said, IMO, I would definately delay the finalization of this adoption for at least several months. (It's not as if the child is going to someone else, correct?) And, as the others have stated, I'd find an attachment therapist ASAP. ONLY an attachment therapist will be able to help this child, and give you and your family the proper tools to help this child heal---if it's to be done at all.

Your last post said that you and your dh are willing to work with this child. However, you also said you wish you'd never been contacted by your cousin to take this child.....IF you choose to discontinue your work with this child......you've not failed. RAD is EXTREMELY difficult to deal with, and I can't stress the difficulty it really is.

You may find this particular forum very helpful to you as well. For me, it was a lifesaver during our years with RAD/attachment disorder. This board has a huge amount of resources (as well as a message forum and chatroom) for parents and caretakers of RAD children. It is the Attachment Disordered Support Group:

Attachment Disorder Support Group

My best to you in whatever you decide.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[ShalomRanch]

There is definitely help for RAD kids. The worse thing that you can do is send her away. Please check out Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder. I run one of the camps and help at another one. The Family Camps are a great place to get the training, encouragment and hope that you need to be a parent to a RAD child.

My 15 yo daughter is ex-RAD. I owe our success to the Attachment Therapy that Nancy Thomas teaches.

Please do not give up on this child.

Sincerely,
Marie Sherwood
Equine Experiential Learning Therapist
Shalom Ranch

[itsallrelative]

Ok Here is my two cents...

WE have adopted two older RAD children/teens from a very similare family background as your little one, and if I had to base my decision solely on them, I would run screaming as fast as I could. But with that said, we also have a 3 1/2 RAD daughter whom we are in the process of adopting.

She was place with us at two months. She had no bonding skills at all! I would spend hours upon hours trying to get a reaction from her, but she would only turn away from me. She also had feeding and texture issues, just to name a few.

I guess what I am trying to say is she needed help. We now attend 13 therapy appointments a week and she has overcome her problems with not attaching. That doesn't mean that she doesn't still have attachment issues-they are just different-she knows no strangers!

I would definitely insist on a psychological and neuro consult. Genetic testing wouldn't hurt either. It is not too early for her to be receiving OT. I would also insist on a Behavioral Management consultation; our state has a contract with a company attached to the University. They come into your home, see the child's behaviors, how you parent and then offer suggested courses of behavior modification. It is not a perfect solution as you will find as you learn more about RAD, but not all issues a child experiences can be attributed to RAD.

And keep asking for support here.

[mom-of-nine]

My experience may not help since our situation is different, but I'll share it for what it's worth.

We have adopted 9 children--4 individually as infants, and the youngest 5 as a sibling group. The younger children have been in our family for almost 10 years. Four of them were diagnosed with RAD along with other disorders such as PTSD. There was physical and sexual abuse along with neglect. Our youngest daughter was somehow not affected.

We went through attachment therapy with the four who were diagnosed. It was very successful--though very difficult!--with 3 of the children. The oldest still has many issues he has to work through, as he was the most severely abused, but he has come a long way.

The youngest, 2 yo when he came to us, is a different child now. Thank goodness!! Due to the problems the children had we have had a nightmare with CPS in the county we moved to several years after the adoption.

But...our now 16yo son has not responded as we had hoped. He is attached to us, but he has so much anger and trauma from the bio home that his problems are overwhelming to our other children and sometimes, to us as well. We also believe he has FAS to some degree. There is definitely some retardation, which makes it more difficult. He is in a treatment center now, as we could no longer deal with his violence at home and in school, and threats of killing all of us, stealing from the neighbors (4 wheelers, etc.).

In the 2 months he's been there, our home feels so wonderful. It's not perfect, but it's normally imperfect.

None of his bio siblings want him to come back home. I dread it myself.

We have been so close to terminating our adoption but I just can't do that to him. Who else would take him? What would it do to his siblings? They say they don't want him to come home, but if we "got rid of him" how would it really affect them?

I would suggest you really think about how this child will respond over the long run. Our son was very loving and very affectionate in the early years, but very sexual and increasingly violent. Think about your older child and how it will affect her. It is a frightening thing to live with violence from a sibling, and the stress in your home will not be good for her.

It has affected our older children, as well. They don't want their little children around him, and as a result, we rarely see our grandchildren.

Think too, of how you feel when you think of her being gone from your life. Relief? A burden lifted?

I'm so sorry for this tragic situation, both for you and your little daughter, but it would be more tragic if you have to end the adoption a few years down the road.