[sunnymuch]

Hi, I was surfing the net looking for some help with post adoption depression. I guess I have been

suppressing guilt about how I have felt for a while. But then today it just overwhelmed me for whatever

reason. I had been hard on myself today.

I am so glad I found this place. My jaw hung open as I read some stories here because wow - I'm not the

only one! So I will tell my story as shortly as I can, and maybe put some questions in uppercase for you all.

We adopted internationally over 2 years ago. This child was older (over 9). We wanted an older child for

various reasons. It was a huge change for all the normal reasons but also the fact that it had just been me

and my DH for over a decade. We hadn't wanted kids before, but then some different things changed our

hearts and we thought we had a loving home to share with a child.

DOES THAT LAST PART SOUND FAMILIAR TO ANYONE?

Well, I have always had anxiety probs, even OCD and some depression. But I got the clear from the

therapist to adopt. I had a lot of anxiety and doubts during the adoption process. When we got the boy

home, it all seemed so weird and out of place. It was as I read somewhere else, like this kid who stays all

night and the next day they are still there, and the next and so on. LOL. Then it sinks in that this is

permanent.

CAN YOU RELATE?

I tried so hard to bond with him, my heart was on my sleeve though. I cried a lot out of despair that he

didn't want anything to do with me. I felt hopeless about it.

I had read books on attachment, talked to others on email forums and knew about the disorders and all

going into it. He had *some* of the symptoms. I knew he was going through a lot of grief and adjustment

too. I wasn't expecting him to instantly love me, although I'm sure on some level I had a fantasy about this

happy family. But try as I might, I took the rejection personally over and over again. He seemed to bond

pretty well with DH, but our son made it a point to reject me and was disrespectful to me when he thought

he could get away with it. To us, it was very obvious.

Of course, we had little to no support from friends and family. To them, he was a good boy. They couldn't

see the manipulation and they couldn't understand the attachment methods, such as them not feeding him,

hugging him, etc. for a while. They resented it instead and I had to defend it against some upset people. So

add that stress on top.

HAVE YOU DEALT WITH THIS TOO?

I won't go into all the things that he used to do/not do that were hard to bear.

Logically, I know he was going through so much, I would try to think how he must feel. Sometimes he

would cry these howling cries of grief in his room. It wasn't that I was unable to empathize. I felt like in a

way we had that grieving in common. I am only human and can only take so many months of terrible

despair.

I took to drinking a lot and sometimes went to bed and pulled the covers over my head. Nobody knew

about the drinking, I was good at hiding it, and acting sober. I used alcohol to help me get through some

really rough times. I was on antidepressants too.

Well, my biggest fear I think was that "what if this never changes? What if he never bonds or attaches to

me, and this is my fate for however many years til he moves out?" I tell you, the thought of that was

*overwhelming*. That was what made it all unbearably frightening.

The first 6 months were an emotional, mental torturous pit in hell's toilet bowl.

And then I stopped really feeling for him. I just turned off my heart as best I could. I was too afraid of it

getting trampled on further. Even though I understood I was the adult and I had read all the stuff on how

this process plays out, it was just the fear that I could have my feelings hurt for years and years over and

over in this way. And that we had made a terrible mistake.

I wondered what in the world I had done to me and my DH's happy life. I wondered if things were ever

gonna change, would I ever adjust, would our son every adjust? I started getting "hardened". I felt like a

wall was put up over my heart and I had become a sort of unfeeling shell in some regards. I began to get in

touch with that side that we all tend to push down, to gloss over with lovey dovey stuff, the part we pretend

doesn't exist. I finally for the first time really let myself just feel whatever I wanted to feel, to think the

thoughts that came without trying to suppress them as bad. This made me feel guilty too though in a way

sometimes, because I felt it meant I was a bad person who had these bad thoughts. "Good people don't let

themselves think these kind of things. Maybe this is who I have been all along... I never would have

allowed myself to think that before." But in a way it felt good to just be free to think and feel what I really

felt, without trying to push it down or cover it up with cliches and whatever.

I sometimes had thoughts about how much I regretted ruining our lives this way. If only I could go back

and not adopt. How *freeing* it would be if something happened to him and he was just gone. Maybe

having him removed. Maybe I would get a call he'd been in an accident.

So, this is the part that is scary to admit. Occasionally, I would feel really ready to die inside of despair and

hopelessness and I would think of a last resort to free myself of this huge burden, and think of somehow

getting rid of him myself somehow, sort of indirectly I guess. Where nobody could pin anything on me. It

sounds so awful to be expressing this.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT?


I liked knowing there was still some last resort option if things didn't

work out, to end my pain, wipe away my mistake, prevent me from totally withering away in agony. I was

partly comforted by the thought that I had that last "escape button", that last and final back up method if my

emotional pain ever became too much.

And it's bad because unlike what I've read about post partum depression where these urges or impulses just

came unwanted, that wasn't so much an impulse feeling as just a feeling that gave me a sense of having some

control over my life again, that I was glad to have. That I still had option, choices.

THE ABOVE IS THE SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER ADMITTED TO.

But I never did anything; the only things I have ever done are to promote our closeness. Still, just knowing I

had those kind of thoughts, I have felt such guilt sometimes. Before finding this forum, I just felt alone and

thought I must be a really evil person since nobody else I know that adopted talked about it. You heard of

PPD, but PAD?

So like I said, I kind of kept my distance emotionally from him. And he started to change and adjust. It

took him at least one year to really start to meld into what we had hoped for in the first place. And it gets

better all the time.

I still don't really feel like a mom though. It feels weird to hear him calling me Mom. I just don't really have

those maternal feelings like other women seem to. Sometimes I feel like I just go through the motions of

what I'm supposed to say and do as a mother. There are times I feel like I don't even care. Like, I only

care about the mom things because that's what's expected.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE?

Oh, I know that sounds awful. And the thing is, now he is a great kid. He treats me well, he does what he

is told, he is honest enough, cares about his grades, listens well, is intelligent, funny, has a good heart, etc. I

like this person that is my son. My heart sings sometimes about him and what a great life I have. We have

a good bond in some ways. That's probably why I feel such guilt now, if he was a mean, manipulative kid it would be easy to not feel guilt I suppose. But he's awesome.

My heart is open some to him now. I don't feel like I'm going to get my heart ripped out, stomped on and

thrown in the dumpster by him now. My insecurities are gone about his feelings for me. But there is still

that sort of feeling that I am "testing" him often. Like just waiting for him to be caught in some lie, to do

something awful and his real true colors be revealed.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN HERE?

I am starting to get over it though.

And I occasionally still get the bit of panic over "what have I done?" Then I remind myself of what I have

and how my life would not be what it is today without him. There are ways my life has changed for the

better since we got him that I *know* wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I am so proud of him. Although he doesn't say he loves us, I know he does. He is affectionate, funny, talks

to us. He is the boy I had hoped for all along now. He is such a good kid. And I know nobody is perfect,

so I don't have impossible standards. I just can't believe how we lucked out with such a great kid. I have

the family right now that I had hoped for when we started this whole process. They say the only difference

between insanity and bravery is the outcome. If our outcome hadn't been good.. (shudder).

I think I have at least partly changed for the better too. I used to think what is the use about doing a lot of

things. Now I have been taking a real interest and joy in life. I have a life other than being a mom. I'm a

person. LOL. I am finding that less attachment to certain things is helping. For example, being less

attached at a certain outcome, at his being a certain way, etc. At realizing life has challenges and I can meet

them scared, mad, hopeless, or just meet them and still be happy about the good things in life. I just realize

that we can do our best at raising him and then whatever he does is his choice. We know we did our best.

I do love my son. Not as much as I will love him next month or next year, but love is growing. And sometimes I am amazed when I think to myself how much I do love him. Because I was so used to not really feeling that for him, just not feeling much. But I love my son. He loves me.

OK, so I laid my soul bare to people I don't know about something that isn't exactly pc to talk about. I feel

better just knowing I'm not alone. And getting this out to people who can understand. I would like

comments if you feel like it. Thanks all.

[aspenhall]

WOW, very moving and powerful story, I am really glad you shared that. I have my good days and my bad days...And I think I am too reliant upon my empathy emotionally, so because my dd can "shut away" vulnerable bits of herself...I am mostly unable to "feel for her". Intellectually, I know what she is doing, but my emotions rely on that "help me" signal from other people to trigger my empathy and patience and kindness. Oh, sure I do the mom job well, and she's come a long way..but she's still so robotic sometimes..then I get detached again...The worst thing is to feel GUILTY about the bad stuff...You can feel sorry for it, and you can regret it, but beating ourselves up over it only MAKES IT WORSE. We are too beat up already to take any more of it.

And you know, the one thing I could never stand about some kids, is the biggest part of my daughter's personality, so I struggle with that too. And I know when she is older if I do my job right, it will be an asset, but right now it's really not. I used to have dreams that her and DH had been murdered in the night while they slept (not by me) And then when I woke up and realized it was a dream it would depress me more that it wasn't real.

[entropy]

I so relate to your post.
my daughter was 18 months at adoption.
its been over 1.5 years since our adoption and i'm finally starting to feel real progress in accepting my new reality as a parent.

i'm learning to understand exactly what it means to be one of those people who always thing the grass is greener on the other side.

[sunnymuch]

Thank you for the support and understanding. The thing that prompted me to post even though I am beyond those PAD feelings over my DS adoption is, the other day my anxiety disorder reared its ugly head again. In a big way. And I went into a full blown panic attack that lasted over a day. I was so filled with guilt. My body reacted with chest pain, shortness of breath, insomnia, no food could be tolerated, etc. It's like all the bad things I could ever think about myself just came rushing in, snowballing me. There were things inside that I guess needed brought out and dealt with (only wish I could have known a more constructive way than that). I couldn't get out from under it. I just felt like an evil person, even though the negative thoughts about the adoption have mostly been long gone. It's like it was being thrown in my face to deal with now that I am actually happy. Why???

But if it hadn't happened, I guess I never would have gone researching PAD on the internet and found this place. Now I know I am not a bad, evil person, just a normal human being (who has always had bouts of anxiety, panic, ocd, depression, etc. since I was little) And having those things just made it that much harder on me when I was going through the worst of the PAD symptoms. It makes me realize I am even stronger than I thought I was. With everything heaped on me, the mental "illness", the major life changes and upheaval (regardless of if I brought those on), I didn't go crazy, I didn't hurt anyone, I survived and now I have a great life. (Not to put down those who didn't get through their times and did bad things, everyone has a different load to bear). I'm just saying I have been soooo hard on myself at times. And here all along I was just a normal human with normal thoughts and feelings pertaining to the situation at hand, compounded by the mental "unbalance". If I hadn't had the big "breakdown" the other day, I never would have come to realize that maybe. I might have always carried guilt over what I felt back then on some level, might have always thought I was an evil person. I might have never went looking too deep into what these symptoms actually were - not signs of evilness, but just humanity. (BTW, same as you guys, doesn't it help to know you aren't alone?? Wish I had realized it sooner).

I am going to see my counselor next week. I haven't been there since before the adoption over 2 years ago because I thought I was doing ok. And of course when I was going through the worst of my symptoms after the adoption, I was scared to tell anyone for various reasons.

I have been really happy for the last couple months. I was starting to really get into living life to the fullest, being creative again. Then this big guilt/anxiety situation came up the other day. Maybe it's a good thing in disguise, to help me clear something out of myself that wasn't good for me. At any rate, I am going to tell her everything. I need to get things out. Not just about PADS, but other things I have held in that aren't related. It's about time I face that this anxiety disorder is something I had all my life and needs to be treated regularly. I used to think I could just get through it. And I don't do half bad. I have been on meds a couple different times (including during the whole adoption process and after), but they messed up my sex drive and it was bad. So I would go off them (was torturous going thru withdrawals) and be fine. I was doing so well on my own. I only want to go back on them if absolutely necessary, so I am hoping by talking to her that I will get these issues out and make sure I have methods to neutralize the unwanted anxious thoughts that come if they come. Deal and go on.

Anyway, I am rambling, but I am happy to find some people who can relate. You guys are great.

[aspenhall]

I always go back to the GI Joe statement at the end of every show... "....now you know....And knowing is half the battle"

I found that if I am aware of my triggers and see them coming, I can deal with the anxiety and it stays small and doesn't cripple me. Now you know, you can let it happen and just survive till it's over.

It sounds like the kind of anxiety that comes when you realize that you are riding your bike on your own, and dad stopped holding on the back a while ago. That ACK! moment happens and you crash. But as long as you aren't thinking about it...you do fine.

[asauer]

I do believe I'm in the midst of PADS. We brought our son and daughter home a week and a half ago and am for some reason constantly thinking about what a mistake we made, let alone feeling like a mom. I feel like I'm caring for someone else's kids who will never be coming back. I find myself sometimes thinking about how I could 'give them back'...just so I could have my life again, but give them back to who? I really did want this to happen and spent 20 months trying to get them home, but if I'm honest, as soon as we hear we were out of PGN, the panic started and I realized that this is forever and I guess I wasn't prepared for that. I've been going through the motions, feeding, bathing, dressing, playing but my heart really isn't in it. They are having a tough transition but it looks like they're bonding ok. Any ideas what I can do to get through this?

[aspenhall]

Fake it till you make it is one big key...Watch for attachment disorder signs as they can sometimes trigger PADS in people. Also, do attachment based parenting (works nboth ways) amd remember even a bio mom can have panicky "not my baby" feelings....and THEY got 9 months to bond before actually doing the job.
Don't expect too much from yourself...these kids ARE strangers...Adoption is closer to an arranged marriage than almost anything else...especially with an older child (let alone 2!) and their personalities are fully formed...you also don't get your "mother nurturing instinct" triggered with an older child, like you do with a baby. A baby doesn't have attitude, and isn't vying for it's independance like an older child. Plus, if you're like me, you had 10 years of solitary marriage you were used to.... now you're job description and "groove" has shifted completely and you are literally living a life that hasn't been YOURS. My sister adequately described that part as "new job jitters" ....Also, receiving insincere affection or manipulative affection can cause you to recoil emotionally....and if you're aware of it, it doesn't affect you as bad. I would say it took 9 months before feeling any sort of "reward"...give it time, and give yourself permission to have this transition period.

Once you lay off the guilt, you can focus on figuring out your new job. Also kep your expectations LOW. I told myself I deserved praise at the end of each day that I was able to feed my daughter an basically keep her alive...after 2 months I praised myself for feeding her, keeping her alive, and making sure she was getting half the required sleep.....another month and I was proud to do all that and take her on a weekly excursion (a playground, grocery store, wal-mart...etc)

I also took time for myself.....gave myself permission to read while she played....watched cartoons with her...did a puzzle once a week or so with her. It's been 3 years now, and I am nowhere near the image of parenting I once had in my brain, by we are starting to enjoy doing things together like cooking and shopping...

Give yourself a mantra to repeat everytime you start to feel like an alien .... Something positive like.... "I am doing a good job, this will feel like my life after some time has passed and it's ok to take time to get to know my children, every parent needs time to get to know thier children. I'm just new at my job and it will get easier as time passes and I become more familiar with my new job"

I used to set the timer on my watch to buzz every hour to remind me to go hug my dd. because the antural urge to cuddle her simply wasn't there. It's what I needed to do. No reason to feel bad about it...Ask anyone who has adopted a sibling group right off the bat, or an older child...it rarely fits like a glove at first...everyone needs time and space to get used to the idea of their new life.

[kretzklan]

I got teary eyed reading your post as I could have written it a year or so ago. We also adopted older children (6 and 7 at adoption) and had a 9 year old at home (my bio). The stress was all encompassing. A few thought that I've had in the last two years that have helped solidify that I'm not crazy...
These children are so different from me - they simply are. They have gone through so much trauma and I totally look up to them for what they've been able to get through...but it changes them from young vunerable children into very "able-to-care" for themselves people. You expect children to need you. They don't always! That was very hard. Trying to insert myself into their lives took a lot of work. Parenting is not my "best" asset. I had always been very organized, but somewhat "hands off". I had to change that with them in order to form an attachment. It was hard to suddenly give up nearly all my time to be with children who didn't always want me with them. Home over two years now...and there are still days where I wonder how they got here?
I, personally, think that it's OK to feel guilty for a time. Work through it - but DO NOT beat yourself up. Humans have differing responses to things. I have been attacked for announcing my real feelings - not on this forum...but on others. I have been told that I am not fit to parent these children because I couldn't just LOVE them from second one. It hurt to have others say those things. I felt a lot of guilt. I have bi-polar and OCD, so I know where you are coming from there. I am on medication (a great one, PM me if you are interested) and it does change a lot for me. Admitting I had a problem bigger than I could "deal with" was a big step.
The worst time for me was when I had the thoughts of hurting myself or others. Of course, I never acted on those thoughts - but I know that I wasn't a very good mother during those times. I, too, was unfeeling - creating a wall around myself. I think that everyone in my house paid a dear price for my issues.
I'm certainly not perfect now either...nor would I want to be. We are getting there - all of us. After two years, I can say that I love my children. Do I totally "get them"? Nope. Should I? I don't know. I can listen and hug and try to talk it out. That's the best I can do. I think sometimes just sitting down and playing a board game is what they want from me - and I can do that too!