[teranga]

Has anyone never really bonded with their adopted child? I know sometimes it takes a few months, or a year even.

What I would like to hear though is if there are people who never (after 2+ years) feel really bonded to their adopted child. I'm especially interested in hearing from people who also have biological children to whom they are intensely bonded....

I know someone whose child has been home almost 3 years. She is a great mother to all 4 of her children, but she has confided that she does not feel particularly bonded to her adopted child (the other 3 are bio). She feels terribly guilty, and goes through all the motions, but it's just not there. She was adopted from Guatemala and came home around 8 months, no developmental or physical problems. The rest of the family is caucasian which maybe plays an underlying role? I don't know. I just wish I could help, but I don't know how...how do you make someone feel something they don't? She wishes the 4th were also bio.

[kelceesmom]

I don't know anyone like that but my first suggestion would be for her to try counseling. I would think that she can't be showing this child affection and it be the same as all the other children. Eventually I think the child will feel different. JMO

[jaenelle]

That would be a serious problem, and yes, like Denice said, I think some sort of counseling would be in order. What a horrible situation for that child.

[teranga]

Yes, I am worried for all the children. I think they will all eventually pick up on it--kids have such a 6th sense. I just also feel really badly for her b/c she knows she should love them equally, and feels horribly for not, but just can't feel it. You're probably right about counseling, but I don't think she's even told her husband how she feels, so it's a mess!!

[joskids]

This makes me REALLY sad, not only for the child, naturally, but for the mother who must be sick with guilt. I have a friend going through this and I've stood by her while she tries, over and over again, to feel something she hasn't yet been able to feel. And, yes, she also has a biological child, very close in age to the adopted child. She's currently in counseling to "change the way she thinks" and hoping that helps. She places all of the guilt on herself and so do others, aside from me because I know others who have been in the same situation and I had a difficult time bonding with one of my foster babies who was TOO ADORABLE, but had some definite RAD behaviors. Fortunately, my husband and I were able to help this child to begin to bond to us and to help the agency find a wonderful adoptive family who has bonded beautifully with him by allowing him to sleep with them and MUCHO attention, which we were not able to give 24/7 having 3 other children that we had adopted. So sometimes one situation can be better for a child than another. You can't make yourself feel something but you can, I believe, change your expectations. I'll be praying for your friend. Please let her know that it is not her fault and that there are others who understand. How about this for a new way of thinking . . . "fake it 'til you make it." Because sooner or later, hopefully she'll find herself actually feeling it.

[cpipitone]

We are about 30-days away from our two-year mark, and while I care about her, and want the best for her, I have not bonded with her, and most days don't really even like her very much, but she is a wicked RAD case that makes it painful to like her.

We also have a bio son that is the light of our lives, and that light shines now even brighter with the darkness that our DD brings on a daily basis.

I feel guilt, anger, sadness, loss, pain, disappointment, frustration al mixed in with ocassional glimers of hope. If she would let us, I still think that we can bond, but we have a long road ahead of us.

If there are no issues with her 4th, and she's had her since she was a baby, I am not sure why she would not bond. Why did they adopt in the first place? I too worry for the kid while totally empathizing with the mom. She needs to really examine why she might feel this way, and yea - fake it till she makes it. Her bio kids will definitely pick up on the vibe and begin to treat number 4 as a stranger, or intruder on their family.

Good luck!!