[mrpeterg]

Hello,

We adopted a girl last year who is now 6 years old. She goes to kindergarten and her behavior was good most of the time in the beginning. Within the past two months she refuses to listen to us when she is outside our home. For example she came home with a bump in her head twice from school and informed us she hit herself in the head when she was standing on the bus. Our bio son and some other children says she stands up on the bus. We talked and explained to her she needs to sit down and she promises she will. Yet the next day she will stand up again. She tells us she sits down on the bus until our son gets home later and she admits she was standing up again. We have taken away her toys, given her time outs and no TV and still this does not work. Lately she has been telling us she stands up because she wants to. This has been going on for two months and she knows there will be consequences for her actions. Also she has been picking her nose and sticking it to the wall. There are other examples for these two are the main ones. She was progressing well until two months ago and lately it has been one issue after another. We are getting frustrated since we feel we are taking time away from our other children and our work life is stressful to begin with. In addition if she cannot listen to simple instructions, does not learn from her mistakes and refuses to listen what will happen when she becomes older. Any advice will be appreciated.

Sincerely.

[kja1960]

We have similar issues with our 5 year old girl (soon to be adopted). She is tough, and punishments did not work. A behavior reward chart was recommended to us. If she is good all day at school and after, she gets a star. After 12 stars, she gets a good reward. (a trip to the aquarium, swimming, go see a movie or play, Chuckie Cheese, something like that. Could be anything really. A trip to the toy store with $15.00. This has not changed her 100%, but it has changed her maybe 90%. She rarely misbehaves now. Good luck!

[sayoko7]

A behavior modification chart like the above post suggested is a good idea. That way good behaviors are getting attention, not bad ones.

It also helps to remember that fost/ adopt kids struggle with control issues. They can't control where they live, but they can control their boogers! Be grateful it's boogers. Sometimes it is feces!

The psychologist for my two girls told me something that I remember vividly. My two might be angry at their birthparents for real/imagined injustices, or at the system for separating them. Since they can't get at their birthparents or the system, they might take it out on my dh and me because we are close at hand. The anger can manifest itself in defiance.

Just remember consistency with whatever behavior modification plans you try is the key.

Good luck. I have so been there!

[KarynB]

We have issues like this with our son too, who was adopted at age three and is now 7. In fact, he now has to walk to school after being kicked off the bus for poor behaviour. Consequences don't seem to phase him much, or at least not enough to stop him from the undesired behaviour.

A reward chart seemed to work for him as well, but make sure you have a reliable source letting you know if the day was "good" or "bad". We were inadvertantly rewarding him for days he claimed were "very good", when in fact they were "very bad"!

Also, more natural consequences seemed to work - as in - if you don't behave on the bus, you have to walk to school. Or, if you wipe boogers on the wall, you must now wash and dry the entire wall.

Good luck to you! Hang in there...

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by mrpeterg

Hello,

We adopted a girl last year who is now 6 years old. She goes to kindergarten and her behavior was good most of the time in the beginning. Within the past two months she refuses to listen to us when she is outside our home. For example she came home with a bump in her head twice from school and informed us she hit herself in the head when she was standing on the bus. Our bio son and some other children says she stands up on the bus. We talked and explained to her she needs to sit down and she promises she will. Yet the next day she will stand up again. She tells us she sits down on the bus until our son gets home later and she admits she was standing up again. We have taken away her toys, given her time outs and no TV and still this does not work. Lately she has been telling us she stands up because she wants to. This has been going on for two months and she knows there will be consequences for her actions. Also she has been picking her nose and sticking it to the wall. There are other examples for these two are the main ones. Sincerely.

Forgive me, but I think your reactions are a bit extreme for such small actions on the childs part. If your child ends up bumping her head and continues, then why on earth take away her toys, forbid TV etc etc. She has a bump on the head, and another bump from her parents who remove everything unless she strictly obeys the command to SIT DOWN. Do you have to control every single action the girl does? Sorry, but to me its coming across as if you are into control big time. If she was whacking a kid around the head or something, then that would be something to be concerned about, but allow her some freedom to make her own decisions?

She says she wants to stand up because she wants to. Well let her. When she gets tired of her own violition of banging her head, then she will stop. Let the decision for this be hers. I do wonder whether the sticking her nose bogies against the wall is some retaliation - I would encourage you to loosen up a bit and let it go. The more you make an issue of it, the more your child will respond negatively.

My opinion for what its worth.

[kja1960]

You must remember that the more frustrated you become, she will mirror that to some extent. These kids sometimes try to make you not like them. Mine tells me she is not pretty and that I do not love her sometimes. Try the behavior chart. It helps. Try to stay calm when dealing with her. Show her a lot of love and tell her you love her every day. Mine has always tried to control everything in her life, and has difficulty allowing us to control her. It may always be a work in progress for you. Try to embrace the positive things about her personality and direct her stubborness into something productive. Is she involved in sports, or music or dance?

[aspenhall]

Try to make things not a battle that are little....if you don't tell her to do/not do something then she can't be defiant....instead spell out the IF/THEN and reinforce you were right she did indeed bump her head, stub her toe, etc... for everything else, you simply need to ask her whats making her so mad inside....and anger is just a way to express fear.....the defiance thing will likely last years and you also need to be very aware or reactive attachment disorder www.radzebra.com the best thing is to follow thru with consequences that only affect her....hence a last minute time out doesn't make you all late to a movie, you get a babysitter and go without her.....etc... the issue isn't standing up on the bus, the issue is the 100% oppositional defiant disorder.....any and all requests/rules are met with disobediance and defiance....it's the attitude, not the actions that are disturbing. My dd had "time in's" where she was not allowed out of my sight for weeks at a time some times....you really end up turning into a sort of drill sargent.....zero tolerance, quick consequences etc...

And remember to keep your feelings out of this....telling her you're mad only gives her ammo for next time...the consequences for her actions must seem to only affect her, not inconvinience or frustrate you in any way....I can't stress that enough....she will seek punishment if she knows it'll bother you as well

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

Try to make things not a battle that are little....if you don't tell her to do/not do something then she can't be defiant....instead spell out the IF/THEN and reinforce you were right she did indeed bump her head, stub her toe, etc... for everything else, you simply need to ask her whats making her so mad inside....

I did read in The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier that a child's rage is the being parted from their first mother and that acknowledgment of this by saying something like "you must miss her" or something like that to acknowledge the primal wound I guess. It would be hard to put the overall impression I gained from the book in just a few words, but the big issue that adopted children have apparently is that conciously or subconciously the child is mad as heck over the loss of control over their lives and from being apart from their bmom. Apparently, even a baby knows who its bmum is and it knows that the person holding it (even with all the love in the world) isn't. Its worth reading, there is some good stuff and encouragement for adoptive mothers.

Hope it helps.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

The funniest thing I ever read from a psychologist is when he was growing up , and bad in school, his mother said "if you do this again, I will put on the ugliest clothes I have, with your dad's boots, and an ugly hat, and I will go to school with you. I will sit right next to you in every class, and I will eat lunch with you"

It scared him straight! But, he was a bit older than 6 at the time, so it might not work with one so young.

Kay

[cvalda]

My son was having issues riding on the bus, and I told him if it didn't stop, I'd get on the bus with him and ride to school while sitting next to him and holding his hand. I asked if the other kids' parents need to do that, and how would he feel about that. He was HORRIFIED because he KNEW I'd do it. So even though his behavior wasn't perfect after that, he did put in more of an effort to behave!

Good luck!

;~) Kelly