[wilole]

Hi everyone! I am new to the site and group. I am an adoptive mom with 3 adopted kids, all adopted at various ages from China. I have a huge button that I haven't successfully eliminated: I'm not the "real mom." This morning my kids and I were joking around as we got ready for our day. I asked my son (age 10) to do something small. He didn't. My daughter (age 9) said, "Listen to your mom." My son said, "My mom's not here." I said, "What? Where's your mom?" He said, "My mom's in China." This hurt BIG TIME. I feel like a second-class mom, all because these children didn't come from my belly. I've had their poop in my mouth, I catch their snot in my bare hand, I've sat by them through surgeries and illnesses, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know I should handle this much better, but I feel that my kids are going to always feel that their birth mom is their "real mom." I can't find anyone who will talk openly about this with me. And I'm sorry, but I feel that if I'm the one acting like the real mom, my kids shouldn't be feeling as though their birth mom is far more important. Anyone else out there have the same button? If so, I'd really, really appreciate your thoughts!

[HappyTwinsMom]

Ouch! I know that must've hurt. I haven't had my kids pull the "real mom" thing, but each of them has told me once that they didn't want me to be their mom anymore. Each time, though it was killing me inside, I stayed very calm and just talked about it with them, saying "well, if you don't want me to be your mom, who would you rather have?" The first time it happened, it was with my younger twin, and she said she didn't know. The second time was just about a month ago with the older twin. She said she wanted to "live with Aunt V (my sister) and J (her cousin)." So we talked about why she would rather live there. I made sure she understood that Aunt V has rules at her house just like our rules, etc.... By the end of the conversation, she told me she loved me and that she still wanted to live with me. My husband heard the whole conversation and said I handled it really well, but I'll admit I cried when it was done and she was in bed.

Big hugs to you!

[crick]

At 10, your son knows this is a button to hurt you with and as much as it hurts, please don't take it personally. Bio parents get the "You are sooo mean I wish I was adopted" comment, and Aparents get the "Well, my real mom wouldn't make me clean my room!"

My dd has told me a few things along this same realm. Each time I've just said "you know, that hurt my feelings but I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. Or if a chore needs to be done etc. I'll say "well, even if you don't think I'm your mom, I am in charge of the household and you can either do as you are told or you can double your chores." Meaning...I don't really address the hurtfulness at all.

However, the next time she asked me for something...a snack, help with homework, etc. my reply was "oh, I'm sorry, but since I'm not your mom, I can't do that for you". "I really want to, but that's a mom job..." And I continue on with what I'm doing. Usually I get a "I didn't mean that!" which leads to a discussion of how words hurt etc. and an apology.

But I really try not to let this comment hurt, because I know in a lot of ways, it's not truly meant. It's just a lashing out. (unless you have attachment issues or something else going on?)

[wilole]

Thanks for your comments. Yes, our 10 year old is very smart and knows how to push buttons. Actually, we were all just joking around with each other - everyone was in a great mood, so it came out of nowhere. He hasn't shown any attachment or other issues so far, but he was adopted at 7 so who knows. Down deep, I'm really struggling to understand the pull to the bio mom. Since all our children were abandoned, we have NO birth information, so it's very hard to explain to them what happened and why, because in reality we're just guessing. And it's very hard for them to understand at this stage. I'm very open to talking with them about all of it, and their feelings. And I can be very calm when we discuss it. But when that second-class mom button gets pushed, I truly feel devastated. Then I beat myself up because the PC side of me says I shouldn't feel that way.

[redbonec]

yucky. That is one of those comments that will stick in your mind all day no matter how hard you try to not let it bother you.

I don't have any personal experience in this, and I wouldn't have known what to say had it hit me. I thought the other posters had good ideas.

Since you said this just came up, I wonder if he has been thinking about it, doesn't know what to do with his questions that probably can't be answered about his genetic ties, and is inserting these comments to be able to talk about it? I wonder if you asked him is he has been thinking about his biological mother, and what, if he would feel better talking about it, and knowing you were there to listen.

Hope you feel better at least by talking about it here!

[dpen6]

He may be fearful and testing you. You say he was 7 when adopted, there probably are issues invoving what a mom is. He was in an orphanage (I am asssuming) He has no experaince or framework on what moms really are. You let that comment role .....it really is about him and why he's saying it. Very well may be a "bratty kid thing" and many kids say things along the same lines when mad at mom for being mom...or he may have some deep abandonment issues.

I'm sure he beieves your a mom, but you have only been that for 3 years in is 10 years of life.....thats hard for him too....

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by wilole

Actually, we were all just joking around with each other - everyone was in a great mood, so it came out of nowhere.

A thought....that this was a 'safe' time to bring up the subject of adoption and mentioning 'real mom' was his 10-year old way to do it? Maybe trying to open the door with you (not meaning to hurt you) but acknowledge his birthmom aloud and wanting to talk to you about it?


I know I had a hard time bringing up adoption issues with my parents from time to time and things would often "pop" out in a not-so-appropriate manner. (I recall bursting into my parent's room one night as a teen crying and yelling at my mom and dad for 'Dumping" some biological information on me earlier that morning) KWIM?

I also want to say that I am also having the "Real mom" problem with my own (bio)kids while talking about MY adoption to them. They have met my bmom and know shes my birthmom...my kids INSIST that she is my "real" mom ("Ok,OK,mom...I got it...she's not your REAL mom, she's your ACTUAL mom said my 9 year old the other day ") and I have quite a difficult time getting them to not see it that way.

We have come to the conclusion that I have TWO real moms. They have a close relationship with my (a)mom and I have been sure to reinforce to them that she was there when I was sick and for every diaper and all my school plays and for every part of my life ... how could that not be real? I fear that they will say these things to my (a)mom and that could really hurt her. My 9 year old actually said "so Grandma L was like your lifelong babysitter" AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Believe me, that hurt ME to hear too even coming out of his innocent mouth.

Yes, we have had MANY 'real' mom discussions and I am hoping it is sinking in!

((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[aedems]

I have a 12-year-old bioson who tells me whenever he is mad that he wishes he was adopted It is a phase. They will say anything they can to hurt you and if you show that it does, the more they will do it. Just tell him you love him, talk to him about what he is acting out and then pick yourself up. He loves you and don't forget it!!

[wilole]

Thank you all so much for your posts! Apparently I have more issues with this than I thought I did. I remember when our son first came he thought his birthmom was one of the caretakers in the orphanage. (How terribly sad to think your mom just sent you away!) It's so hard to dispell these notions when their brains aren't quite ready to process things. One of our daughters assumed for a long time that her birth mom was just dead. They have a highly romanticized view of their homeland, their birth parents, etc. And it's so hard to tell them that their birth parents abandoned them and we have no idea why. We have an educated guess, but even that's too much for them to understand. The other day our son said to me, "What are you again?" We're muddling along - I'm trying the "two families" idea -- two sets of parents, grandparents, etc. Thank you all!

[aspenhall]

A mom is a JOB DESCRIPTION.....you really do the job therefore you are real! She really gave birth therefore she is real also. My dd was placed at age 3.5 directly by her bmom....we have dealt with all those issues and we told her from the start she has 2 families, 2 moms, 2 dads....most kids are only given ONE family, but she got *2* !! And she feels lucky to have so many people who love her and care about her. It is also an open adoption....and she knows that her first mom did her part of the mom job, and now it's my turn to do my part of the mom job. She understands that it hurts to use the word "real". And that most people mean "birth-mom" when they use that word...and that it's ok for her to correct them when they use that word.

I also did the IMAGINARY mom thing.....for a day to show her what a REAL mom is.

[Howdy]

It's awful when they find our buttons!

I don't mind the comments about me not being the real mom, I just tell my daughter that sorry but she is stuck with me for a mom. When she told me that as soon as she is 18 she is going to go back to her 'real mom' and will not see me anymore, I told her that I'd be calling up my friends and complaining that my daughter never calls or writes me. She really watched me while I said that, if you know what I mean, I think the conversation was a test to see what our relationship was, whether it would endure into her adulthood, and whether it would survive her being in contact with her bmom.

Your child may not be sure about the future either. If their friends ask a child about his/her 'real mom', it might make them very confused about whether the adoptive mom is permanent.

And if we react too much to that button, I'd think it might communicate to a child that WE ourselves aren't sure we are the mom (i.e., the 'I think thou dost protest too much' interpretation).

One thing that is funny with my daughter is that she always complains about having me as a mother and talks about how wonderful her birth parents are and how she wants to have contact with them, but then a few times they'd gotten her email address somehow (and I keep goofing up the email controls on her account) and her reaction to actual contact is comically opposite of what she always says. She emails them that they aren't allowed to contact her. She tells them she is changing her email, phone, and moving. She responds to them that she is scared and going to tell. She tells them she will get in contact with them when she is 18 and that it is not allowed before that. Then she gets me to come fix the controls to block them, and then she even called her bgrandma and told her that we are changing our phone number (because she suspects that bgrandma is the 'leak').

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by wilole

I know I should handle this much better, but I feel that my kids are going to always feel that their birth mom is their "real mom."

My daughter, Maire-Kate, was angry with me one day when she was six. From the back seat of the car I heard, "I want my real mom". I said "Too bad for you, I AM your real mom.".

Later at work, I was telling a coworker who has a bio daughter a little older than M-K and she responded "Oh, Layla says that to me all the time. She wants a new mommy". After work, I told Maire-Kate that I understood she was angry. I also told her she didn't feel that way (about wanting a new mommy) because she's adopted, she feels that way because she's six. I told her about Layla and it made her feel better. What I thought was an adoption issue was really just a normal phase.

It sounds like your son was joking around not being truly serious. I wouldn't take that comment too seriously. His intention was probably NOT to hurt you. You opened the door when you said "What? Where's your mom?". You know where his mom his. You see her every time you look in a mirror.

However, if it becomes a situation where he is constantly reminding you that you are not his mom, then it becomes a different matter.
Because your kids are older, the phase may turn into "now that I know what hurts her, I can make my Mom feel terrible whenever I want". I wouldn't let them get away with that. If he responds that you're not his "Mom", let him know you beg to differ but you have birth certificate that states otherwise. And completely blow it off. The other kids are going to start copying your son when they need ammo to hurt your feelings. They have to know it's unacceptable to hurt you with words. If your son punched you, you wouldn't say "Oh, I can't compete with his birthmom", you'd be furious. It's okay to be furious if he says something nasty just to hurt your feelings, too. If he starts using his adoption to hurt you, tell him if he wants to have a discussion about his birthmother, fine-but if he uses his adoption to hurt your feelings, then there are going to be consequences. And then follow thru.

.

[shortlittlemama]

Originally Posted by wilole

I've had their poop in my mouth

Okay, I've gotta ask... how did that one happen

[wilole]

Hah! At the airport bringing her home from China (she was 1 yo), she had nasty diarrhea, and when I was changing her diaper she was wriggling and she put the heel of her foot into the diaper (being a new mommy I wasn't moving fast enough) and got poop all over it, and then proceeded to kick me in the mouth with the same heel when my mouth was open. :-) A proud mommy moment.

[shortlittlemama]

Makes sense I have been checking everyday to find out. By the way, I hope you are feeling much better this week. Take care!