[healingfeeling]

i remember only pulling that "real dad" stuff when i was REALLY trying to push that button and trying to hurt my dad to the core.....maybe your son was hurting inside for some 10 year old reason (could've been a bad day at school yesterday or could've been feeling bad that he was not raised in his bio family)...i do know that it must stem from HIM and is not really about your parenting skills....

i'm sure those words sting.....but like someone else said...this opens up the door for a big discussion on adoption and what a mom is in real life.

[Amysue1112]

Hi Wilole...
Just ran across your post and wanted you to know that I am sorry this hurt your feelings. My adopted daughter is too young to say these things, but I know if she does it will hurt me too.
All I can say is that kids often don't even understand what they are saying...they don't "feel" things the way we do..they don't "see" things the way we do. Just b/c your son said this does not mean there has to be some deep rooted emotion/concern/stress behind it (I mean it could..but does not have to). Sounds like you are a great mom with great kids...but you are human. Give yourself permission to feel saddness and pain when you child says something like that. Give yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself a little..I mean YOU are doing all the work! And then, pick yourself back up and try to let it go.
Your children are learning how to deal with this issue by watching you...if you handle it with grace (even if you are crushed inside) THEY will also handle it with grace when someone says "that is not your real mother".

I do feel for you, and don't think there is a way of completey removing that "button". But it is great that you came here to talk about it and to work out your feelings in a constructive way. Your kiddos are lucky to have you as their Mama!

[sundara]

I have 4 sibs adopted from foster care, and they use this one a lot, especially when angry. My husband and I used to get very defensive (and sometimes still do), but it is EXTREMELY important to work on your reactions to this one. You need to realize that your kids are:

1) testing your commitment to them
2) expressing loss issues over the birth parents, even if they were babies when separated.

Several responses are important:
1) I am the parent of this family (the one they are in now) and therefore I do still have the responsibility and am committed to caring for you. I love you and will always be here.

2) You need to validate their feelings/confusion over bio parents. Let them know that it REALLY IS OK to talk with you about their feelings about bio their bio parents, whatever they are. Ask them if htey have questions & LISTEN to the answers. You don't have to have the answers, but you have to be willing to let them know what age-appropriate information you have, and let them know that you are willing to work with them on this.

An excellent book on this issue is "Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew". The authpr talks a lot about separation/loss issues, and they do apply even to babies adopted at birth. I thought it was kindof wacky at first, but the more I read, the more I realized that the author made a lot more sense than I would have realized.

On other important thing - try not to get hung up on the "real mom" term. First of all, kids aren't politically correct, and they don't care if you want them to be. The more you insist on it, the more they will resist. (My kids are all teens, so I learned this one the really hard way).

As much as we all hate to admit it, our kids really do have two sets of "real" parents. Aparents and Bparents are both real because we both exist.

I got to the point where my kids know that use of the term "real mom" doesn't bother me no matter how it is used, because I now know and accept that this is the case. I'm their real mom because I am the mom of this family. Bio mom is their real mom because she gave birth to them. The difference is, my kids live here, with me, in this family, so they still have to abide by my rules, my beliefs, my values. Funny thing is, once my acceptance started to show, my kids stopped flinging this one at me.

[wilole]

Thanks so much for all of the responses. They're very helpful! To be perfectly honest, I think I really do feel jealous sometimes, and a little resentful, of the pull of the adopted child toward the birth mom. I've been trying very hard to understand why so many adopted children have that strong bond. I've talked to some adopted adults who don't have that, who have never questioned where they came from, and others who have said it's like no one else really matters but their birth parent. I tell my husband sometimes that I feel like everything I do as an adoptive parent really doesn't matter. Intellectually, I know that it does. It matters a great deal. I've done the reading, the talking, and the studying about adoption issues. But as I sit here, if I'm honest with myself to the core, my issue as an adoptive parent is that I don't want my kids to grow up and reject me because in their hearts their "real mom" is their birth mom. And I'm afraid that will happen.

Does anyone else struggle with that fear and resentment?

[loveajax]

Wilole, GAH! I am so sure that my DD will say stuff like this some day and it will kill me, I'm sure.

Part of the hard thing you are dealing with is that you do not/can not KNOW your kids' birth moms. I bet that they DO have these highly romantacized notions of them (because those notion will never be dashed, kwim?). I am in a relatively "open" adoption with my DD's birth family, and part of me hopes that the "reality" will be that not only will DD KNOW that she is loved by them, but on the other hand not have these romantacized notions either. (Not that she won't say stuff like you heard from your son, I'm sure).

I think you have gotten some very great advice here....My inclination in these circumstances is to try to use humor. For example, my own mom always says stuff like "How tall is DD's REAL MOM?" And I say stuff like, "I'm right in front of you, nutty! See, I'm 5'4!" Also, I think you can (maybe not exactly at the time but at some point close in time) use these moments as a chance to talk about DS' birth family, the losses he has suffered, etc.

I know intellectually you know you are not "competing" but you are human and I know that it hurts. The reality as someone says is that there ARE 2 moms and both are real.

If it gives you some comfort, my DH is adopted as are his sis and bro. Only his sis has "found" her birth mom. When my MIL would talk about SIL's birth mom to my SIL, she would say, "K, when you met your mom..." and K would go crazy and say, "MOM! YOU ARE MY MOM!" I have never seen three kids more devoted to their parents....

Good luck! Karen

[Stormster]

Even though he's not born yet (monday yayayayay) I have always thought about my reaction to this. I kind of felt that if he saw me break down or cry I might lose some of my authority (coming from a family where Mom was an emotional wreck and I basically parented her)

I think I would probably handle it with something like "well then I won't make you real breakfast, or take care of you when you're real sick or take you for real ice cream" I think young kids can really learn about how the word hurts you at that level.

But in order to handle that, I would have to deal with my own pain, guilt, unworthiness....but I wouldn't want to discuss it with my child on that level.

That said, my newphew who is adopted from Colombia is about 14 now. He said to his Dad, my brother in law, "I must have gotten my athletic ability from my bio.dad or real dad or something" and whether or not my brother in law was hurt, he responded simply "oh yeah? And what do you get from me?" and the kid said, without missing a beat "Love and a home" and that would be good enough for me.

That said....I am not a parent yet. I can only hope I keep my cool and deal with it as well as possible. I just like the way my brother in law went with the flow.

It helps to know that his Mom REALLY wants us to parent him. So it's not us vs. her. And hopefully the open adoption will help him not to idealize any of us.