[AMom2Two]

Hi everyone...

I wanted to share this in hopes that I can help understand what is happening to me. I was diagnosed with PADS after the adoption of my second child. I thought I was over it.

Lately within the past year, I have noticed EXTREME anxiety whenever my dh is out with the children, and I am at home without them. Even if he has just one child and I have the other child, it still happens. I get vivid images of horrible things happening to them, not by me, but by an act of God. Sometimes I get these images if the school bus is late.

Last night my dh took both children over to my sisters house to allow me to make dinner. I really didn't want him to, but I said okay. As it got later and later, and a thunderstrom moved thru our area, I started having images in front of me of something terrible happening to them and that is why they were late in returning. I started imaging a policeman coming to my door and delivering the horrible news that my family is gone (this is how I found at my dad died, btw, I was the only one at home).

Whenever the children at not with me, I get images of the worst things happening to them, a child molester grabbing them and I get vivid images of what could happen (it's scarey) I think of a car accident and see my little one's on the road, just as I'm writing this I see my little girls sneakers coming out from under a car!! I don't have these images when they are with me.

These images ALWAYS produce tears for me. It's as if the tears are the release and I tell myself, "you're being so silly" and try to move on with what I was doing but it just keeps happening.

I wonder if this is normal, could it be a reaction of the hard struggle (7 years) it took me to get my family. Could it just be separation anxiety from my children or could it still be some form of PADS?

[crick]

how scary and stressful!

I think moms have a bit of fear when not around their kids...just kind of a fleeting thought thing, but not to this degree.

I don't know if it stems from PADS or just your overall journey, but I do think if you are having anxiety attacks, you need to talk to a dr/therapist and see if they can prescribe anxiety meds or counselling.

Sorry for all you are going through!!

[mom2GRLC]

Since it is really affecting you I would talk to your doctor or therapist about it. It's normal for fears like that to pop up in our heads but, when it interfers with letting our children do every day things or allowing us to (live through) them doing everyday things then we need to seek some kind of help to work through these emotions.

I'm not sure if you believe in God. But I've found at times when things seem so out of my control and scary, if i can truly put my trust in him that it helps make things easier to deal with.

Bad things happen in life. That is just a fact of life. We can't always prevent it but we can't live in fear about it where it paralizes us.

Everyone feels those fears. Everyone can imagine those images and feel so helpless about how to prevent tragety's liek that. But we can't let them control us or grab a hold of us and prevent us from living normal lives or prevent us from being happy.

I think it's time to talk to your therapist again. I'm not sure if this is PADS but it certinaly is worth looking into. You don't want to live like that anymore.

I knwo from experience. When we worry too much baout loosing our children or those we love....we in a way distance our hearts from them, preparing for that loss, mounring that loss when it never even happened.

Motherhood/adoption is a very emotional thing. It brings up all kind of fears and feelings we may never expect. Including ones of lost loved ones we've already mourned the loss of.

I've lost several close family members in my life, the hardest was that of my mother when I was 16. I remember how hard it was for me when I fell in love with my husband and married him. I'd cry it seemed like every night afraid I'd love him and loose him. Thinking what would I do without him.

I do that too with each of my kids as it approaches a critical time...When I have no control when it looks like my dreams of adopting them are so close yet so far away. Those fears of lloveing and loosing them come back.

I think for those of us who have lost someone very special to us....it's something we may always have to deal with.

My guess....if your anything like me... is you just love them so much you can't possibly picture your life without them, yet you know how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away and how empty it can leave you. That may be why your getting these images and fears. IF so...put the things you can't control in GODS hands. He can help you, he's helped me. Or if possible talk with your doctor about workign through some of these images you've been having and have him direct you to a therapist or someone who can help you understand why your getting them and how you can get that peace back in your life.

My prayers are with you. I know how scary those feelings of loss can be.

[spitzlvr]

Mom,

I understand where you are coming from. When dh has the kids, and I can't get in touch with them, I get really worried too.

If you want someone to talk to, tell me - we can chat.

Spitz

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would definitely recommend speaking to your doctor or therapist about this. Sounds like extreme anxiety to me...and that's something that can be well treated.

It must be so scary for you!

[bajj]

I would talk with a doctor about it if it is cripling you and you're not getting over it soon.

I still have things pop up at times. There are times when I panick thinking something bad will wipe my family away from me. However, it is not an everyday occurence (anymore) and I am able to work through the anxiety. if you find you can't, then please seek medical help. Maybe you have an imbalance or you might need your thyroid checked out.

*Big Hugs*

[bumblebeeskies]

I too suffer from awful anxiety and depression. When I started reading your post, my first thought was PTSD. I kept thinking from what though, until the part where you talked about the cop knocking on the door to tell you that your dad had died. I am sure that it has been many years since then, but since we sometimes repress things (even for years), I would think it could be possible. Were you taking meds for your PODS? You mentioned that you thought you were over it-was it not long after you stopped any meds that this started happening? It sounds like it is disrupting your life, so yeah, you should definately see a dr./psych.

[AMom2Two]

I finally got a chance to go into my doctors office and speak to her again about the possible PADS and what was happening. I never took medicine for PADS and really didn't know about it, until I was coming out of it. I just happened to mention what I went thru at my regular OBGYN visit and then is when she said something to me, after the fact. I was never treated for PADS.

I told the doctor some of the issue's I was having and she made me break it down some. I realize that the images usually come when I don't have control of my children. As someone has previously posted, once you lose someone, I think you are more sensitive to the depth of that loss. Even tho it was many years since that policeman delivered the bad news to me, that moment is etched in my brain forever. It is a natural fear I was told to fear the same thing happening again, since it already happened once. The episodes have gotten worst lately, but the doctor thinks that is just a reaction to my first child starting school and me learning how to let go. The fears that something will happen when she is with my dh, she said is normal fear of the things that COULD happen in this world and me imaging the worst. She is right, I do watch the news every night and each night there is always something about a child being taken, hurt or school bus accidents. She advised me to stop watching the news and reading the papers for a period of one month to see if the some of anxiety leaves.

I have NEVER stopped my child from doing anything. I realize what they are, that I am being irrational, and then I tell myself to move on, which usually works.

The image I see of my little one under a vehicle, is really not the image of her. The doctor made me realize that what I was doing was taken an image I seen in person at a car accident a few years ago of a younger child laying under the car like that, and now putting my dd shoe's on her and imagine that as my child.

This is not stopping me from my noraml day to day living. The visions come and go quickly. Sometimes, they are scarey and I do shed a tear, but I realize that it's not real and I can't let it effect me.

The doctor seemed to think this was just temporary, probably produced by school, my sisters divorce, and watching too many news channels.

Her advice was to give it 30 days, no news, no papers, jot down the images and the times I have them and try to start an excercise program so that my body doesn't internalize the stress but can find healthy ways to relieve it. She also did say that when someone spends almost 10 years trying to get something, they value that and some of my feelings are compounded by the long journey, the fight to get these children, and now she said, it's as if I can relax, but my mind is still in the worry stage and has just picked up a "new" worry to carry on with.

I'm feeling better about all of this. Thank you everyone for your help and guidance.

[bajj]

I am very happy you were able to talk with your doctor. I think what one of the posters said might be something else you look into. Post Traumatic Stress, because of your father and the accident you saw with the child under the car. Those are terrifying and life changing experiences.

((((((((((((((AMom2Two))))))))))))

[aspenhall]

I had this too, it was a control based thing...I had fought so hard to get in control, that being out of control again (in a different way) was terrifying.