[SHAMROX]

I'm sorry if this isn't the correct board to post on (I posted on the foster parent support board but have only gotten one response so far)...I really need the adivce of those who have been where I am.

Right now I have a 2 and 1/2 yr old foster son. I've had him for just over a year, with the intent to adopt. It now looks as though his mom is going to relinquish - but for about the past 6 months or so I've been really wondering if this is right. I just figured it out today - I've been fooling myself all this time. I get so irritated with him, and he's a typical 2 yr old but much more intense. He has certain behaviors that really get to me, and I know that a lot of my problem is how I deal with them, but I am just not sure I'm bonded to him. Nobody ever warned me I might not be bonded to him; I just thought it if happend it'd be the other way around. My love for him just doesn't feel complete - I had a foster daughter before him that I wanted to adopt - I got her at one day old and gave her back at 15 months, and I needed a break here and there but I YEARNED for her. I don't feel that way about him, but at the same time I think of him living with another family and I cry because I think of him as my little boy. I used to think that I resented him because he was a boy - because he wasn't emotional and calm like a little girl might be...but I don't think that's what it is.

How do I figure out if I'm not bonded with him and why he gets under my skin? My very close friends who are more like my parents told me tonight that they've never really felt bonded to him either. I know it's not fair to him to adopt him just out of guilt - it's not fair to him or me. I want him to be happy, but of course I also don't want to see him on the street in ten years and think 'what a good kid - looked what I missed out on".

I just don't know what to do...the adoption social worker wants me to fill out an open adoption form but I need to fill her in on how I feel first. I want to get a whole week of respite so I can have some time w/o him to see how I'd feel if he was not with me - but I know they have no one availble for that.

I just need help.

Thank you.

[aspenhall]

I think you ARE bonded, but the bond doesn't feel the way you think it should.

If the thought of him in another family bothers you, then you ARE bonded. Most likely what you are feeling is a personality conflict. I have it with my dd, although not so bad now. Remember also, that a 2-4 yr old is quite hard to get along with...it is the hard age, and he won't be that age forever.

The sweet babyness seems to just disappear around age 2. Besides, fear causes anger. So your anger/impatience with him (you said above) is really a fear of something....I think it sounds like a fear of making the "wrong choice"....or a fear of not being bonded. You yourself stated above
"I think of him living with another family and I cry because I think of him as my little boy."

You answered your own question....he is your little boy....It's that feeling that matters. And once you recognize it, your doubts will lessen....he still may be a challange to raise, even later on, but he is YOURS....Get a babysitter for a day...leave and go shopping or to the movies or whatever, but be gone, or have him be gone (at a day-long playdate).....you don't need a full week respite to see how you feel.

Also, the loss of your first placement, may have you guarding your heart this time around. TPR hasn't happened and you may be subconciously protecting yourself.

sorry it took so long for my reply, I have been out of town.

[Dreamsofchild]

I agree, by calling him Your little boy hon YOu have claimed him in Your heart. I also agree he may not always be easy to raise but no child is always easy and yes some can be down right difficult. But he is a toddler and this is a fun and exciting but for parents and You are his parent. It can also be a challenging time for all of us. Just remember when he is being naughty count to ten or more if need be. He is Your little guy and congratulations on being the Mom to a son yes girls are nice we have one daughter and we also have 3 son's. Very different in how they boys versus girls relate to their world how they respond emotionally and even physically to things. Hes a boy and boy's are Wonderful also things Look wonderful for an adoption here for YOu. Let yourselfe be free to Love him unconditionally. Love him when hes naughty and when he is Nice. I would say NO do not adopt this child if You had no feelings for him or your only feeling was contempt for the child or anger all the time at the child. BUt if in your heart of hearts You Love this child then do him and yourself a favor. Legally become his mommy and I think just making him legally yours may help alot I know it did when we adopted our two foster adopt kids. It was not easy they had alot of issues but when that judge signed the paper making them Legally for all to see Our children it was nice feeling.
Best wishes

[mj77]

I agree with the others. I would read up on Post Adoption Depression if I were you. I didn't bond with my second son right away. I was resentful with myself and knew it wasn't fair to him. Mom's who birth thier children don't always feel the same bond with each kid--it doesn't mean they love them less, just differently. My boys have unique things about them that I love and each have things about them that drive me nuts. I'm soooo glad we didn't back out with our youngest. He NEEDS me. It's not about me anymore. I was his Mommy and to stop that for my own feelings of unrecognized PAD (in my case) would have been selfish of me and would have scarred him in loosing his Mommy. When we agree to do foster with the intention to adopt, the toddler or baby doesn't know the case is not legally finalized. They know us as Mom. Before you decide to give up, imagine the consequences for life--for you, for your son. Will they be worse than continuing to raise him?

Take care. I understand the confussion and frustration.

[WhoKnew]

I agree that you should read about Post Adoption Depression. I experienced it, and one of the big symptoms was feeling very irritated with DD, and resenting her for making my life so difficult. Also, don't think that a girl will automatically easier. I think even without a traumatic background, my daughter would still be one of those kids who has to touch everything, get into everything, climb on everything.

I do think it is normal to feel what you are feeling, and I agree that getting breaks for yourself would probably help a lot. My prayers are with you.