[aamommy]

First, I want to thank you all for your input. My husband and I have come to an agreement that his name will be Archer Isaac. People can choose to call him either Archer or Isaac and then when he gets to school he can let the teachers know what he prefers to be called. I am really happy about the decision, and I feel very freed by it. This issue has been bothering me for a long, long time. I feel the name change will give me a fresh start with Archer ...... and I do feel I am finally starting to bond with him (which is probably partially due to the name change, but also because he is getting less colicky and more fun to play with).

Anyway, I have seen a therapist (which I really don't feel helped as I think both DH and I needed to be there). I realize I probably don't sound "normal" by my previous post but I can assure you 6 months ago before he came home I was one of the most "normal" people you could ever meet. I had 2 daughters, ages 3 and 2, absolutely LOVED being a mom and felt I wanted to share my love with another child or 2. I felt that since I had no problem handling 2 kids, adding 2 more would probably be a little hard for the first few months, but that I would handle it OK. Well, prior to the babies coming home I developed thyroid problems, which made it hard for me just to deal with the 2 I had. Exhaustion, irritability, anxiety .... I was mentally and physically shot. Alayna came home first and was a dream baby, thank God. Hardly ever cried, slept well. Then Isaac came home only 3 weeks later. We were completely unprepared for the call .... did not have his room ready, no crib, no boy clothes ...... we were out of town when we found out and had to make plane reservations Monday for DH to leave the next morning. It was stressful beyond belief, and when DH got there to pick him up, he was sick with a horrible cough - we had to take him to the ER when we got home and they thought he had pneumonia. He cried CONSTANTLY for several months. Wanted to be held ALL the time (which is what his foster mother did). Keep in mind I have 3 other kids under age 4 at the time .... not exactly possible for me to give him constant attention. He had reflux, spit up all over the place all day even though he was on Zantac. Wouldn't nap, woke up frequently during the night. Not like I can catch up on sleep during the few periods when he actually did sleep when I have 3 other kids to take care of. Plus, I was sick and drained physically and emotionally. Most days I just sat there and cried. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I couldn't go anywhere with all 4 kids, and prior to him coming home I had been working PT but quit my job to become a SAHM. It was just too, too much for one person to handle. I went into full-blown PADS, and had to go on anti depressants. Anyway, since then things have gradually improved, but partially I feel that is why I want him to have a new name, to have a fresh start. I just wanted to share this with everyone so that you could see that I have gotten help, and that even though I thought I was prepared to deal with anything, I really wasn't. Prior to this happening to me, I probably would have looked at a post like mine and thought "what a loser" but now I truly know that this can happen to anyone. Anyway, now I am feeling very happy to have a fresh start with Archie and I am finally starting to feel like he is my son and that I will be able to have a nice life with him.

[kretzklan]

I'm happy that you feel things have worked out. I'm right there with you in having troubles bonding and it seems like your first time together was tough! Continue getting yourself some help and communicating with your spouse!

[aspenhall]

Nobody is judging you here...or at least they SHOULDN'T BE! Let me know if you have recieved any attacking or hurtful comments.

I bet part of your inability to handle all this was the way you would have percieved someone else prior to going thru it.....I know I was harsh in my judgement of parents before I was one and after becoming a mom, I was WAY harsh on myself....

Therapy is suggested NOT for those who sound weak, but for those who sound *lost*.....

Think of it as a "phone a friend" option. Here you are "polling the audience". LOL....

Glad to know things have been resolved. PADS is slippery and tricky. It can come back when you least expect it and the soft spots that it exposes will weigh on your mind. It has left scars on my emotions...and I was NEVER the emotionally fragile type! BUT by being HERE and by giving it a name and getting to know it, I have found that relapses (although scarey) are shorter and less intense as the time passes.....

[lmvsmom]

Jessica,

I'm so glad for the update. I think PADS is very real and for whatever reason aparents just don't want to talk about it or admit it. Blessings to you and your family!

[aspenhall]

Yeah, most the aparents I talk about it too for the first time, say that they never heard of it, some respond with "THERE IS A NAME for what that was???" Like they went thru it and just suffered silently. alone. without support. THAT's why I lobbied to get this forum created. Exposure, safe place to vet, and a place to connect with those who "get you".

That's why it's in my signature line. Many members have seen my sig in other places and came here when they would have otherwise suffered silently.

[aamommy]

Aspenhall, no one is judging me here .... everyone has been extremely supportive. Just judging myself .... I am still ashamed for the feelings I have had. I always tend to be very hard on myself when I fall short of my expectations. Anyway, this experience has taught me a lot about not being judgmental of others .... since before I went through this, I judged people for many things and now feel quite ashamed of myself!

[aspenhall]

Originally Posted by aamommy

.... I am still ashamed for the feelings I have had. I always tend to be very hard on myself when I fall short of my expectations.

You will have a HARD time getting thru this until you can own your feelings. If you still judge yourself for having them, then your emotional state overall will remain weakened and it will be a long hard road.

Most of us on here feel this way as well. But, self abuse causes REAL HARM. And with PADS being so difficult, it is IMPERATIVE that we strengthen all the places emotionally that are susceptible to damage.

Say to yourself, I do not like those feelings, but I had them and I felt that way and they were valid. In the future I will attempt not to feel that way, but if I do I recognize that it is OK and that they will pass. AND I am not the only one who has felt this. I've beaten them once and now I know them better, I can beat them again if I have to.

[RBSVARCHER]

Thank goodness you have made a decision! Sounds like a great one and one from your heart!!

Thank goodness for this forum! You can express your feelings without being thought of as being crazy or being judged. It helps to talk (even if it is in cyber space) to people who have been there & done that & can help. There's not many people around here who I can relate to when it comes to Russian adoption.

Give Archie a kiss from me - AND HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Susan

[GCS]

I am glad to hear that a decision has been made! That alone must have been such a relief. It will be good for you to have that behind you.

And the new name you call him is a great way to look at it as a fresh start.

All the best!
Christina

[praying4rlittl1]

Jessica,

I know you have been to H*** and back. Good for you for NOT hiding this and for having the courage to share. You may have helped someone else by posting all this.

[MamaS]

Oh honey, if you had said the "c word" in your first post, everyone would have understood better. Having only one child with colic is stressful to the maximum. Add three other preschoolers to the mix and it is a miracle you are still sane! Your husband should let you name that baby "Constantinople" if it helps you bond better.