[tigger44]

Our daughter has been home with us almost nine months. She is 20 months old. Her attachment has progressed very well, although we've experienced normal setbacks along the way, and expect more in the future. Our biggest issue with her has been inappropriate affection, flirting, and manipulating of strangers and extended family members. We are not around our extended family often. Our daughter sees my husband's parents about once every three weeks, and my parents less often than that. Aunts and Uncles are even less frequently. We've limited as much chance as possible for our daughter to act out inappropriately, but she still is not 100% healed, and I know it could take several more months, maybe years.

Here's what I'm really infuriated about tonight. My husband's parents came over tonight for a visit. We have always had the most problems with them understanding our rules, and all the attachment issues. My daugher was really in a hyper mood, very engaging, flirty, and coy. These are not people she sees very often, so she doesn't know them as well as most babies her age might now thier grandparents. She doesn't really yet even understand what to call them.

My FIL has a bad habit of just sitting on the floor rather than on the sofa. This is an open invitation for our daughter to interact with him more closely and intimately, and he knows this. Tonight she was constantly in his lap, hugging him over and over, laying accross him, all things that were inappropriate. I finally pulled her off him and told her "enough" and my Dh and I held her close to us. Many people might look at how long she has been home, and consider that it is her grandfather, and think her behavior was perfectly normal. Both my husband and I knew it was not.

I finally took the baby in for a bath, during which time my husband proceeded to explain to his parents that it was inappropriate for our daughter to have been interacting the way she was with her Grandpa. His parent's reaction was something like this:

"Oh, no, that's perfectly normal behavior for a grandchild. Grandparents should be considered as a second set of parents. Children should come running to the car when they see their grandparents pull in the driveway. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about how she was loving on her Grandpa, etc., etc., etc." Well, this may be true for a child that we would have given birth to. There would be no reason for concern if this were our bio child, and she didn't have issues from living in the orphanage her entire first year.

The problem is that my husband's parents are naive about a lot of things. We've given them articles about attachment and we've asked them to limit the type of interaction they have with our daughter, because this issue is really big for her. We've also struggled with them during the last nine months to hear and understand and accept what we tell them about our daughter's emotional limitations and needs. They just don't get it! Which means, they aren't very inclined to help us heal her!

I don't know how else to get through their heads. So, if anyone has any suggestions I'd be very grateful to hear them. Thanks for letting me vent.

[tigger44]

Sorry, I meant to type non-compliant grandparents.

[hophock]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do want to say how awesome you are for doing what you know is right for your daughter. I have known several families who've had to temporarily cut off contact with relatives who weren't open to becoming educated on attachment issues. Not recommending that necessarily, but am so proud of you for looking after your daughter's well-being!

[bandareed]

I don't have any words of wisdom...sorry. I do relate though. My DD was adopted at the age of 5. She has had 14 placements (!!!!!). She is RAD and has many other "challenges". To help her control herself, I find that I have to be very consistant and structured. My extended family doesn't understand why I have the rules I do. I constantly hear, "Just let her be a kid!" and "Leave her be!". But sure enough, everytime I ignored something, to go along with what my family felt was right, my DD would have a major blow-out (lose control/temper tantrum). Once when I was pressured to let her play unsupervised with another little girl in a bedroom, I walked into inappropriate play, instigated by the other child. I will always regret giving in. In my gut I knew something was not right.

You are stronger than I was in the beginning. I did finally learn that I know my child best, and I know what is right for her. My family gets mad at me plenty, but that no longer sways my choices. Sure wish that they'd try to understand and help more that hinder, though!

You're doing the right thing, hang in there!

[aspenhall]

I wouldn't hesitate to set a stronger boundary. Like Zero face to face contact with child for 6 months at a time. This includes interactions with friends etc.

You are doing the right thing and it's better to be safe than sorry. A child who UNDERSTANDS relationships is normal to do all they haev said....but explain to them that it is SHEER COINCEDENCE that they happen to be the grandparents, explain to them that she acts this way to ALL STRANGERS and that she isn't given them special affection like they think. Let them know that and they may feel differently. Have them come in disguise and see her "NORMAL" reaction then! When they are no longer identifiable as 'the grandparents". That would freak me out!

[Miranda4Him]

Oh my goodness, can I relate to this!

When my husband & I first brought our 2 newly adopted toddlers home from Ecuador, I naively thought the affection they showed their new grandparents was adorable. I figured they understood the concept of 'grandma & grandpa' that I had explained to them. I now know differently.

My 2 little ones would climb in & out of their laps, give them kisses, lay all over them and beg for food. They both have severe food issues, and regardless of the fact that I would tell my parents NOT to let them climb all over them - they said it was fine and continued to allow it.

My mother would also feed them as often as they begged for food.... which was non-stop. I once watched my 1 1/2 yr old gorge himself until he vomited, and then continue to eat until all the food was gone. (His caregiver from the orphanage was feeding him at the time, and I sat there and watched helplessly as it was the first day I was meeting my children.) Both of my toddlers have stuffed so much food in their mouths that I have had to dig it out because they are choking and cannot breathe. All the while they are completely hysterical because I am 'taking away their food'.

I have asked my mother on numerous occasions to NOT feed them. My husband & I make sure they are well fed with healthy portions; we NEVER deprive them! She will not and has not respected my wishes, so I haven't been in contact with her for awhile.

I have also had to tell other family members & friends not to allow inappropriate behavior or to feed them. I feel uncomfortable, as I am not a confrontational-type of person, however I know it is for my children's best interest.

I feel better knowing I am not alone. Thank you for venting! Not only did you help me realize how harmful inappropriate interactions can be, but it also gives me confidence to stand up for what right for my children.

[adoptiveparentblogger]

Oh boy can I relate... My Mom does really well with this, its my sister and other relatives.

Its really hard, I can understand your plight

Just know that you are doing the right thing