[iamctb]

I will try and be brief. We have had two sisters in a fost/adopt situation for 19 months now. They are currently 10 and 11. Dad's rights had been terminated and Mom's was in January, so we are moving forward it seems. At the softball game last night, I heard one of the oldest girls teammates ask her why she calls me "first name". I later asked her how she responded to that and she said she told the girl "dont worry about it". Typical for this child to respond like that because she has almost zero skill in friend developing (another story, another day) so I engaged her in conversation of some other ways to respond to that but also included that it would be appropriate to call me mom whenever she wanted, and that when she was fully/legally adopted, I in fact would not allow her to call me "first name", because children dont call their parents by their first names, just as my 3 bio kids don't. Just wondering what y'alls responce or experience to this is. Of course this oldest child still thinks her mother was perfect etc., has shown NO signs of grieving the loss of her mother (she would have to actually show some emotion for that to happen, right?). Anyway, should I push the envelope and have the girls start trying to call us mom and dad or, as my husband would say, wait for it to come naturally?

[kretzklan]

I hope you get some response on this - I don't have any real advice. But, our children (from Russia) called us Mom and Dad from day 1 but were confused as to what to call their first parents. We brainstormed and came up with ways to discuss them. Maybe your fdaughters need to have this addressed?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Im not sure you can force someone who is that age to call you mom. I would probably just avoid any situation where a name would have to be said and not use anything. It isnt like a young child, they know their parents... and apparently love them. You forcing them to call you mom against their will, IMO, may actually make them more resistant to viewing you as that.

Do they want to be adopted?

And actually, I think her response to the girl was right on the mark... nosey girl. Id say that is a question only an actual friend should get an answer to. Certainly dont answer within your ear shot if it is an answer you wont like... KWIM? She should guard her story and share it with whom she is comfortable with.

[Mommy24]

I agree that they shouldnt be forced to call you "Mom", it will only cause resentment. I am sure just because their parents rights were terminated doesnt mean they still dont see them as Mom and Dad, I divorced my ex and remarried, My new husband is the "father figure" in my childrens lives however they still call him by his first name and I would never and he would never "expect" them to call him dad. If in the future they decide to call him dad or some form of dad it will be welcomed, but I wouldnt think you would want to force the issue....Just my 2 cents!

[RIMomma]

I also think that the girls should not be forced to call you mom. They may feel guilty in doing so because they called someone mom before you and maybe feel that it would be a betrayel to the bmom. I know my daughter at 12 is sensitive and that kind of thing would effect her too. Her bdad isn't around and she doesn't call DH dad because she still loves her bdad.

[lucyjoy]

I don't let my kids use my first name. They can call me mom Lucy if they don't want to use mom. Calling me by my first name seems to give them a sense that we are on the same level. Since I am in charge in my house, that doesn't work very well. The respite kids call me Miss Lucy which is also fine with me.

[Lorraine123]

I would not force her to call you mom and I agree with a previous poster who said that her response to her friend was fine. It truly is no one's business and it is up to her what she wishes to share.

My daughter called me Mom from day 1. That is a big sign of attachment disorder, so, the fact that the title Mom has meaning to your daughter is significant. She doesn't believe that just anyone can hold that title. Therefore, when she does finally call you mom, it will mean something. And that must happen on her time scale, not yours.

However, I also would not let the children call me by my first name. Mom Lorraine or Miss Lorraine would be fine, but not just Lorraine. Its just a symbol of respect and holding you at a different level than just a friend.

[iamctb]

thanks for all your input. I wasnt actually suggesting I would "force" the girls. However, as Lucy suggested, I dont feel a seperation of position is there by calling us by our first name. Altho they might feel comfortable or want to call their teach or other person in authority by therir first name, it is not acceptable. I was wondering if they were waiting for us to suggest or give them permission if you will to call us mom and dad. They girls dont know their bdad, altho they know who he is, and have been in and out of the "system" for over 6 yrs. They are the ones that chose to testify in court asking for bio moms rights to be terminated. Just thought it might be something to try over the summer, the calling us mom and dad. I will say I refer to my husband as their dad when referencing him to them.. Thought it might feel good to them since they have never had a relationship with their bio dad. Thanks again for your responces. Who knew there would be SO MANY layers to all of this adopting older kids!!

[GCS]

Just one other thought - try alternative words for Mom/Dad if it seems that would be a better fit. Our children call us Momma and Papa. Not originally our choice of preferred names, DH really wanted to be Daddy, but now we wouldnt have it any other way.

It might be nice to open it up for conversation so they can pick something that works best for them.

Christina

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think that is a great idea. So first names might be too informal, but miss whatever seems too formal... doesnt it? Reminds me of something from the south.. lol! Although I do remember in the group home we had to simply call everyone miss and mister so it is probably universal. And I supposed better than ma'am and sir, eh? Im more casual than that. My best friend's foster to adopt kids are older and they just call them Jen and Ted. Mom and Dad seem too personal to me but Miss and mister seem like a punishment for not calling you mom and dad.

Im sure that is just me though... do you really need a title for them to know that you are in charge? Or is it so other know that they know??

(musing not bashing... dont know how to word that otherwise)

Of course if they WERE just waiting for permission.. then it is moot! Let us know what happens!

[Lorraine123]

do you really need a title for them to know that you are in charge?

I don't think you necessarily need a title to be in charge, however, with older foster children, they don't know who is in charge when they first come into a home. They need things to be tangible. Therefore, a title sets the parents apart from peers. Thats why students call their teachers Mrs. or Mr. Whatever. It sets them apart. Older foster children generally want to be in charge and the parents have to do everything they can to assume control.

Also - titles do mean something. Look at this case, the children will not call them mom and dad because that title is reserved for their biological parents.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Sure, ok..

[aspenhall]

A called us new momma and new daddy until she was in our home then she called us Mom and Dad and started called her bmom and step dad by their first names.

I understand the need to reinforce control. I agree that using first names assumes too much of a "close peer" type relationship. Perhaps a form of mom like Mum or Mam or Mim would be better. How about asking them to come up with an alternative. Is there a nickname that would be better? like Momma-Bee Daddy-Bee or something cutesy like that....

I think there needs to be a discussion about you not replacing her bmom. She may be stuck due to loyalty especially if she percieves NO good reason for an adoption.

[lucyjoy]

Yes, I need a title. Of course, most my kids had major control issues and tons and tons of moms and dads. My stepson did call me by my first name until my other kids started calling me mom. He now calls me mom as well.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I wonder if you could come up with another name for you that is not your first name, but not the name she used for her biological mom. If she called her "Mom" maybe she could call you "Mama" or something like that. Or, maybe an "Aunt" or perhaps a pet name. If she is really loyal to her bio mom then she may feel that she is betraying her if she calls you mom.