[aamommy]

OK, our son came home from Guatemala 6 mos ago at age 5 mos. I really, really wanted to name him either Archer or Marco but my husband flat out refused either of those names. After searching for months to find a name, we finally agreed on Isaac. Only after I had thought about it a few weeks, I decided I really did NOT want the name Isaac. Then we got the call that he was ready to come home. I even called my DH in Guatemala to tell him I don't want to name him Isaac. But, we had already told everyone that was his name and that was what our little girls were calling him, so I reluctantly decided to give up and let his name be Isaac. Several friends advised me that once he came home, the name would grow on me. Well, the name did not grow on me and neither did he. The last 6 months have been the hardest I have ever gone through in my life. He has been an extremely demanding baby and I really have not bonded to him. There are days when I can hardly manage to deal with him. I would have disrupted the adoption had my husband not threatened to divorce me if we did. Even though I deperately want to love him, it just isn't there. However, a few weeks ago I started calling him "Archer" or "Archie." You can't imagine what a difference this made. I actually started to feel affection for him (maybe it is because I had dreamed of having a son named Archer for years?) Anyway, we just got all the paperwork to start the readoption and name change but I feel I do NOT want to name him Isaac, I want to name him Archer. After months and months of trying to bond with him and feeling nothing, this is the ONE thing that has helped. DH says absolutely not ..... his name is Isaac and I can call him whatever I want but his name will still be Isaac. He said we could have Archer as a middle name, but to me that's not the same. (BTW, his birth name and current legal name is Israel). Anyway, do you all think this is worth putting up a fight over or should I just let his name be Isaac and try to find some other way to feel positive about him. Please be honest - don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think I am wrong. Oh, also I do know that he is used to the name Isaac, but he also has about 5 different nicknames we call him and I've been calling him Archie for a few weeks and he responds to it, so I really don't think it would be traumatic for him to have a name change (he is 11 mos old).

[aspenhall]

ok, I read this yesterday, but didn't know quite how to respond....and had hoped someone else would before now...so here goes my thoughts as I read and pondered your situation...

I don't know if you and DH will be able to come to an agreement....but it is IMPERATIVE that you do....or it will be a sore spot in your marriage forever.

Why not Isaac as a middle name? and why not Archer as a middle name??? What ARE each of you willing to compromise on? At this point, the baby won't care either way.....you need to look at this from the standpoint of your relationship with DH. AND you shouldn't have agreed to Issac if you weren't sure....you should have said..."we'll try it and I'll see" and reserved your opinion till later.

Can you agree to name the next son Issac? OR the next son Archer? What about a combo of the name Issac and Archer....one that allows a nickname of Archie
How about a nickname of Isaac....like Izzy or something instead of Archie? Why is DH so firm on the name....what about this name matters so much to him?.......is it even about the name or is he making a point on another conflict by sticking to this particular name?

There is too much underlying emotion and issues here to give any suggestion to your actual question. More issues need to be addressed first. It is apparent that you have a deep emotional tie to the name archie....expectations of the child you dreamed of for so long....the he doesn't feel like "YOUR CHILD" if he doesn't fit the mold you created in your head (all of us have this --see the "parenting in reality" poll on here) And perhaps the name is just the outward expression of the expectation vs reality conflict.

I really hope someone else can give their advice and opinion too......

[lmvsmom]

I don't quite get it, either. I can only say that I feel extremely sorry for this precious baby and for parents who place so much emphasis on a name. I agree with Aspen, there are bigger underlying issues that must be dealt with. IMHO, and you did ask, therapy is a must.

[mom2GRLC]

You know....what matters most is that you bond with your son. Hopefully you can really communicate with your husband on why this is so important to you. Maybe you can come up with more of a compromise?

Your right....your son won't care what you call him as long as you LOVE him and treat him as your own.

[kretzklan]

First thing I thought reading this was that your DH may not understand the depth of the PADS that you are experiencing - I've read your other posts and I know that you are hurting. I'm sorry. Does your husband REALLY know what is going on with you? Has he been willing to listen and try to find help???

[akcskye]

From a quick glance...is it POSSIBLE that your husband may not have liked the Archie Bunker show...hence his out and out dismay for the name?

I don't know if I'm dating myself, or if you all are right there with me, but Archie was a VERY non-PC (politically correct) figure on television.

Though loveable, he was foul mouthed, racist, and to younger people, they probably could do without having that correlation.

Perhaps he is thinking that people will automatically call your baby Archie Bunker, or make jokes about toilets flushing with "Archie in the house"...you know...stereotyping the child's name to the show.

I KNOW I'm reaching, but if I thought it, then others might have, too.

However, you could present the qualities of the Archer sign of the zodiac to your husband...perhaps tell him that this might be some of your reasoning...the Archer is the sign for Sagittarius, and it's a very good sign.

But, then again, call the little boy what you want. As long as you love him, who cares what his legal name is. I mean, that IS what nicknames are for.

Surely DH doesn't cringe when you call him Archie, does he? Is he on board with you calling him Archie when his "legal name" is Isaac?

Well, I rambled on more than I intended, but I hope it helps, even if a little.

[treoto5]

I'm not sure I understand why your DH won't consider using Isaac as the middle name? It's funny but many people call their children by the middle name rather than the 1st name and I know many adults who call themselves by their middle name because they never liked their first name.
He's so young, the baby, that the name change won't affect him one way or another.
It's curious that this is such a point of contention between you and your DH. I agree with the others who feel there are really underlying issues at play and you are both focusing on the name issue instead of what's really bothering you.
As a side note, my SIL had a baby recently and we all call the baby "Avi" which is a shortened version of her middle name. Since we were first introduced to her, Avi, we all latched onto the name and not the first name. My SIL doesn't mind. She said they chose the first name at the last minute so neither she nor her DH are really attached to it.
When we changed our children's names, our primary concern was choosing something that wouldn't make them the subject of ridicule at school. So many parents choose off the wall names without considering what their children will go through at school.
Both Isaac and Archer are lovely names. I hope you and your DH can come to an agreement you can both live with.

[akcskye]

You're so right there. My great nephew is Alexander Ethan, but he is called Ethan.

My nieces husband is part Alaskan Native, part German, and somewhere along his family line, I don't know how it got that way, they have a tradition of naming their children, and calling them by their middle name.

I don't know if it's an Alaskan or German, or just an "in the family" tradition...but anyway..yeah, it happens ALL the time.

Originally Posted by treoto5

It's funny but many people call their children by the middle name rather than the 1st name and I know many adults who call themselves by their middle name because they never liked their first name.

[brandydawn]

I agree with the counseling/therapy. This cannot all be over a name.

Something that stands out is how a name can affect your bond to your son. It doesn't make any sense that you calling him something different would change his behavior or your connection.

I do hope you seek the help of an outside neutral party that can allow you to express your feelings in a healthy way and come to an agreement. For the sake of your marriage and this precious little boy.

Regards,
Brandy

[ALI143]

Besides the therapy advice...

The name issue:
I think Archer goes so cute with his sister's A name. Husband got to name him Issac for all the friends and family so you get to pick the first legal name, but that's jmho.

[RBSVARCHER]

I vote for Archer - it's been a great name for me for 28 years! Plus it's an easy name to spell and you can always say Archer - like bow and arrow......Archer!!

Susan

[Calebsmom]

I would try explaining to your husband what you've said here. The mother-child attachment process is so important, I feel that not enough is written about the needs of adoptive mothers in this respect. Naming your child is part of claiming and feelings of entitlement. Isaac does sound a lot like Israel, and if you've always hoped to name a child Archer, I can understand how it could be hard for you. Perhaps the two of you can arrive at a compromise. Someone said that maybe he is reminded by Archie Bunker. If so, how about a variation on Archie like Artie?

I think that talking to a counselor (both of you together) can only be a positive thing and maybe then your husband will see your perspective. Best of luck and (((HUGS!)))

[joskids]

It think there may be underlying issues here, yet I'm one who thinks that naming a child is very important and on the name issue alone, I can understand where you're coming from. I always wondered what I would do I we were presented with an older child whose name just did not fit in our family. We renamed our boys but they were infants at the time so it was a no-brainer. Our daughter was 2 and her name was Samantha. We gave her a middle name we chose but her name was so pretty we didn't feel a need to change it. There are other names I like better and if she had been born to me I probably wouldn't have chosen it but it suits her and so it stayed. I've had foster children, though, that I knew if they stayed the name would HAVE to change. I would have gone for a name that sounded very similar. For example, LaShandra to Cassandra or something like that. I REALLY like the name Marco that you liked in the beginning. Maybe your husband would agree to that? If you REALLY don't like Isaac, now would be the time to agree on another name. I suggest you get involved with a post-adoption group where you can voice your concerns regarding bonding openly and honestly and get some good advice from others who may have had a difficult time bonding. I hope you can trust that one day you will feel what you are pushing yourself to feel. Start by recognizing his good qualities. Children's stages change quickly (thank goodness) and hopefully, soon, you will begin to bond to something as easy as a single hug from him at a time you don't expect it.

Sending happy thoughts,
Josie

[2manyks]

you need to read the book Parenting the Hurt child. You need to get some attachment therapy for yourself and your baby. I have been at this for 2 years now. my daughter has ptss and rad, i have pads. get help before you need medication. i am serious. most adopted kids and parents can use the help of a good attachment therapist. if you cant find an attachment therapist in your area, at least find a play therapist. it will do you both a world of good. a support group would help too. if you cant find one, start one with someone else you know who adopted.

we also have the name game going on here. all my bios and adopted from birth kids names start with the same letter. the older adopted kids don't. this is a sore spot for the kids. they want to be the same as everyone. my ason has changed his name about 6 times since he was adopted. a name isnt everything. maybe you should cancel both names and start again. is this your last child or can the next baby get your favorite name. someones got to give and i think you will feel better and not so set after you get some counceling. ive been there, done that. someone else had to tell me i was depressed. i didnt even know and thought i was dealing with everything just fine.

good luck and let us know what happens!