[MustangLippy]

I'm not supposed to post from work but have no time at home! How long was it before you felt genuine love for your adoptive child? DH and I are struggling with guilt over this. Our 16 month old DD has problems that lead to severe frustration which is interfering with our bonding to her (altho she is bonding well with us). We have a bio son and were lucky enough to feel instant overwhelming love for him. So we're trying not to beat ourselves up and telling ourselves it'll take time - but how much time? I know we're all different but I suppose it'd give us hope to know that some people may say "a year!" or "two years!". Our DD has been home 4 months. We feel a lot of responsibility, affection, frustration, concern for her. We're muddled!

I think we've both experienced/experiencing PADs to varying degrees.

Thanks
Angela

[GCS]

Hi Angela,
Funny - I was just thinking of you the other day - that you haven't posted in a while and wondering how your transition was going.

For me, I bonded very quickly with Sophia but it took a little longer to feel that same pull on the heart string for Sam. DH was just the opposite. It took him 8 months at least to really bond with the baby.

I think for me, Sam was just such a handful at first that I was always reacting to a "problem" and not really enjoying his time with me and really bonding with him. Also, he was much more affectionate and open with his father than with me, so that made it more difficult.
He didnt really like women much when we first met him. I didnt get an "I love you" for 8+ months, DH got one in the first few weeks.

In hindsight, I can say I loved him from the first, but it didnt feel like what I thought loving my son would feel like right away. I think holding time was great for us and slowly we built a solid mother-son relationship. Now we are tremendously close! And DH found his way with Sophia. She squeals when he comes home from work and runs to him. They love to play together.

I think it just takes time and you have to fake it until it is second nature for you. You are probably more bonded with her than you realize, but the concern and the hard work of those first few months dont allow you the opportunity to relax and just enjoy motherhood.

Give yourself some time. It will come.

Christina

Christina

[PollyG]

I've been told it can take a year or more, but in most cases the love does come. They say it will sneak up on you when you least expect it.

My SW told me a story of one of her clients that brought home a difficult older child. This PAP said that for the first few months, she would not have stepped in front of a car to rescued her new child if he was about to be hit. At 6 months home, she said she might have stepped in front of a bike about to hit her child, and at 1+ year home, she would have gladly given her life to save her child from anything.

I think this illustrates how love needs time to grow...especially after all the stress and upheaval of the adoption process itself and the initial adjustment period at home. I also struggle with my feelings for my new daughter as she has been very hard to live with. There were days that I truly dreaded the sight of her because she was so oppositional. Now at 4 months home (like you) I am just beginning to relax enough to begin to enjoy her - as her behavior improves and I see her sweet and loving side. I know we will get there. I also have a bio son close to her age so it complicates the whole attachment continuim.

Hang in there, things will improve and before you know it, you'll jump in front of a train to save your child!

[aspenhall]

It took me at least 9 months to start feeling positively. I was numb and ambivalent (but committed) for the 6 months prior and nearly overwhelming anger and hate and dread, the first month or so.

[kretzklan]

We are just hitting five months home - so almost the same timeline. I mentioned to someone (a therapist I know) that I can't say I feel the same for my new two as I did from second ONE with my bio. She said "Well, you held that baby inside you for nine months...you shared blood, food, feelings and a heartbeat. Then you worked REALLY hard to get him out into the world...although adoption is tough - it's not the same...you didn't have a chance to create that bond before hand. Give it nine months..."

It made sense - I need those same nine months to attach and bond with any new person in my life. At least one that is going to live with me!

But, I'm with you - and the worst part is the guilt. I'm trying hard to free myself from it...but it is still hard.

[aamommy]

Our son has been home 6 months now and I still don't feel any love for him - but it is SO encouraging to hear that it has happened for others that have struggled with the same thing. Some days I feel like we are moving forward but then it always seems like we take a few steps backward the next day. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. I bonded instantly with my bio babies ..... and only after a few weeks with our Guatemalan daughter. This is just killing me inside yet it seems like there is nothing I can do to change my feelings towards him. Anyway, thank you so much to those of you who have been through this and triumphed. Hearing your stories really means a lot to me.

[angelkisses0102]

Is was tough with Alex because for Arianna...I was instantly in love with her on trip #1...I would have moved heaven and earth for her after trip #1... ...Alex I felt sorry for on trip #1. Then when we came home, like you mention...it was like one problem after another...and for us, he didn't attach...so we didn't attach.

For me, there were days I didn't like him and many worse days than that. During my darkest days of PAD's...I had horrible thoughts of how to shut him up...to stop the screaming...I now understand how a parent with no support could harm a child.

Probably about 6 months in...I stopped dreading going home and one actually missed him. Love took off slowly from there...and now that he is attaching and able to trust and love us...well nothing can describe the love I have for him...I think it is even moreso because of the fact that it was such a difficult journey to love him...and we have been home 25 months!

One way to build the love is to find ANYTHING you love about her and focus on that....even if it is the color of her eyes, the way she walks, or even sleeps. One Mom suggested that she could only look at her daughter lovingly when she was asleep...but it is a start.

Good luck...it will get better with time...

[karenjoe]

As you know we are going through a similar situation! Hang in there! I don't have much advice but can lend an ear when ever you need it!

[mikeintexas]

Angela -

I agree with everyone... it is okay. It takes time. Do not make yourself feel guilty because you already have enough on your shoulders. Keep at it... it will all work out in the end. Trust the process. The more pressure you put on yourselves to feel it, the more difficult it will be.

And yes, we're in the same boat.

Mike

[mamaluna]

I'm glad that I found this thread this evening. It has been a rough day with Maxx, both my DD (12 years old) and I are feeling homesick and I'm not getting enough sleep (a major factor in my previous post-partum depression and recurring anxiety disorder).

He woke me up before 5 am after thrashing half the night and for the first 10 hours of the day I didn't want to interact with Maxx at all. (he's 23 month old, we've been with him for 3 weeks - still waiting to take him home) I was grouchy, abrupt and certainly would not have gotten through the day as well as I did if DD hadn't been with me to take over so I could have a good cry in the bedroom and take a shower without help from the little guy.

A nap today helped a bit but I had moments when I just wanted to just get in the car and leave him behind with someone so that I could go home. I feel fond of him at this point, I feel lucky that we've been chosen to care for such a beautiful and personable child and I feel a great deal of responsibility for him - but love? I'm nowhere near as in love withhim as I would like to be and I am skeptical of my ability to love him as much as I loved my DD at his age. I like the idea of a 9 month/gestational period for feeling love for your newly adopted child. I guess this is one thing I need to relax about.

I did discover that he's got a tooth coming in - if we care for the teething, maybe he will be less demanding and I will feel less resentful about being stuck here with him.

[aspenhall]

Yep, 9 months is DEFINATELY the avg time frame to fall in love.

You are lucky you feel fond of him. Most of us couldn't even say that much til way later....

This is the group who understands being in the trenches of parenting. GLAD you found us!!

[Kassie29]

Is this question for all adoptive moms/parents or are you looking for answers from only those who have had a child placed with them when they are a little older baby?

I wasn't sure. And I am new to this forum.

Brenda

[aspenhall]

This forum is for ANY adoptive parents who suffer/ed Post Adoptive Depression, although most of us have had older children placements...

[Miranda4Him]

I can't even begin to tell you all how relieved I am to find this thread! A little about us:

My husband & I have 2 bio-children (13yrs & 6yrs). We brought home our 2 newly adopted children 4 months ago after spending 2 months in Ecuador trying to finish the process. They are bio-siblings, our new daughter is 35 months, our new son is 23 months.

I felt I bonded with our new son right away. He is very cuddly & sweet... full of love and just a real joy to be around. Our new daughter is completely the opposite. She is terribly stubborn, manipulative, never seems happy, and she throws a minimum of 2 horrendous tantrums a day. Once in Ecuador, her tantrum was so bad my husband & I were approached by armed guards with machine guns, asking us what was going on and who she belonged to. She is what I refer to as a "fun sucker".

We tried to take all 4 kids to the zoo, and she cried & threw fits the entire time. She threw a huge fit at the picnic at the park we planned with another family. It's difficult to go anywhere as it feels like she is a time bomb waiting to go off. My 2 older children get so upset & beg me to make her stop... but most times there is nothing I can do.

She is difficult to even like most days and I have been beating myself up with guilt. I started to question my ability to mother any of my kids. My husband accused me of 'hating our daughter' which only added to how horrible I was/am feeling, even though there are days he admits he doesn't even want to look at her either.

I cried with so much relief reading all your posts. Thank you all so much for your honesty! I now have a new found hope that someday I will have a happy family again.

[aspenhall]

Miranda, please look at the possibility of RAD, in both children, they may simply be acting out their insecurities differently...

www.radzebra.com

nothing is better than doing attachment parenting from the very first....PLEASE go there as soon as you read this...time IS of the essence