[RBSVARCHER]

It seems we are skirting our own issues - or maybe our issues are getting better......

Update please!!

Susan

[AMom2Two]

We are getting ready for a visit with dd bmom on Saturday.

I seem to always have mixed feelings about these visits. On one hand, I love her and am very comfortable with her, but on the other hand, I fear her.

I fear the emotions that are brought up during visits, the feeling of loss for me, that I am not the only mother to my children. The feeling that I am not enough and I need her in my life so that my children will grow up healthy and strong with a good sense of who they are and where they came from. I fight feelings of being inadequate, and shame that I can not handle these visits better. For a few days after the visits, I always feel weird, looking at my dd and seeing her bmom each time I see her, instead of just seeing my dd.

Seeing the bond between bmom and child makes some of the infertility wounds open up and I slip into my depression state for a while. Trying to sort thru things, understand my feelngs while at the same time, embracing her and the relationship I want her to have with our child.

Mixed emotions, leaving me sometimes, not liking myself and also, feeling proud that I on this road, despite the cost it has on me.

For one thing I do know in my heart, a mother always puts her child's interest before her own and so, I take comfort in knowing that I am doing so.

[mikeintexas]

Hi AMom2Two -

I wish you nothing but peace and tranquility on your visit. May you come to know that, without you, lives would be empty, hearts would be hurting, and souls would be void. You are a super special person... and your daughter knows this (as does the bmom). Keep the faith. Stay strong.

Mike

[aspenhall]

I found solace in painting the bfamily in a FAMILIAR light......In-Laws,.......My MIL did not raise me but she is a mom to me in many ways and my mom has to share me with her now. I consider the bmom to be like a MIL to my dd. The love and attention is there, but not the day to day parenting.

By the way, things have never been better at our house. Random HONEST affection that just keeps coming. Zero tantrums (of any significance) loads of avg 5 yr old behaviors AND she is showing responsibilty and trustworthy-ness. She is the MOST well-behaved child (in public) 90% of the time. As long as she doesn't give in to the grumpy bugs, I have the daughter I've always wanted. She spends the day telling me how beautiful I am an how lucky she is....and not to manipulate me or anything like that...I'm just in such a state of shock!

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by mikeintexas

Hi AMom2Two -

I wish you nothing but peace and tranquility on your visit. May you come to know that, without you, lives would be empty, hearts would be hurting, and souls would be void. You are a super special person... and your daughter knows this (as does the bmom). Keep the faith. Stay strong.

Mike

(((Mike)))

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think your wish was granted! Thank you for sharing these words with me. I didn't get to read this until after the visit and it made me smile.

The visit came and we all had a great time. During dinner with her bmom and son, I kept thinking to myself, why do I stress about these visits, they always go so nice and I always have such a good time with her. We can chat about anything. She is starting to feel like a sister to me, especially since we are the same age.

Surprisingly for me, when the day came, I felt very calm and did not fight those old feelings I usually get. I did not get depressed, in fact, I felt really good seeing how happy this made my dd was and how much she enjoyed their company. Her bmom gave her and my son some Easter trinkets and a beautiful egg necklace for dd. She even gave me a beautiful blue purse with a coffee cup inside that matched a cup she bought for herself. We have matching cups she said! Her sweetness always touches me!

Today it's Easter and I'm so thankful for these children, and my children's bparents. My dd bmom always seems to say the right thing. When I asked her if these visits are hard on her and if she finds herself in tears afterwards, she always smiles at me and say's no way. She loves the visits, they don't make her sad at all she say's. They make her feel great! She said she knew she could not afford to keep dd and to be able to see her with us, being so loved and growing up knowing her and her older brother, was more then she ever hoped to have. It's so nice to hear her say these things and see her smiling face looking at me and looking so darn good. I'll never forget the day when she placed her dd with us and we drove away as she was crying on the adoption agenices representative's shoulder. She looked so broken, even now, when I think of it I still get tears in my eye's, but to see her say goodbye yesterday, with her eye's sparking and shining and feeling her warm hug as she hugged me goodbye and told me she loved me, was the best feeling in the whole world.

Also, for the first time yesterday, we also meet her parents. This was the first time they saw dd and dd went right up to them and gave them a big hug. Dd bgrandfather who is in his mid 80's, couldn't get up so dd went over to him and gave him a giganic hug. I could see the tears in his eye's. DD bgrandmother was also entalled with dd, for this was the first time, she allowed herself to stay and see the child. It did my heart good to see them finally embracing her and it made me so proud the way she went right up to them and hugged them. I could see some similiaries between her bgrandmother and dd. They have the same build. Her bgrandmother was so sweet and nice to us. What beautiful peopel they are. What a wonderful family dd comes from.

So for this Easter, I'll be saying extra prayers that for the first time, I had none of the bad feelings from the visit and so much good came from it.

Happy Easter Everyone! Today I am SMILING! Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings here and for your kind words without any judgement.

Have a wonderful day!

[mikeintexas]

Wonderful, wonderful news!!!!!!!

Next time those feelings of self doubt start creeping in, come and read this post you wrote.

Mike