[lmvsmom]

How would you know if it was a case of "Daddy's boy" or a problem with bonding with Mommy? I hope some of you know what I'm asking.
When my daughter was little (and even today as a teenager), she was always "Mommy's ." Not that she didn't love her daddy, of course she did and does. But she clearly favored me most of the time. I have the opposite situation with my son. He clearly favors DH over me. I don't know what to think of it. Should I be concerned or is this common with boys?

[aspenhall]

In his preferences, does he mistreat you? Does he refuse or not respond to affection from you? Does he treat you different (poorly) if Daddy isn't there watching?

If is only less affectionate with you than Daddy, I wouldn't worry. ALSO, you are around all day, he gets tired of you and Daddy is new and exciting...a novelty....my dd shows a clear preference to her Daddy, but recently has shown equal responses to affection to either of us. (used to be attachment AND preference).

[mamabee]

This is perfectly normal! My daughter has the same problem with her bchild. My son favored his Daddy more....it is just a phase...or perhaps he will just related better to Daddy....it's okay and you have done nothing wrong and neither has he. In his own time, he will be able to express his love for his Mommy.

[lmvsmom]

No, he doesn't mistreat me. But if DH is in the room or is holding him, I can forget it. Sometimes he will reach out to me, but rarely. If I am the only one at home, he will readily come to me to be picked up or if he falls and gets hurt he will let me comfort him.

Thank you for your responses. This has really been bothering me!

[JoEvans]

My youngest daughter perfers her A-Father over her A-Mother. I don't know why children prefer one parent over another. Affection might have something to do with it.

When I was younger, I preferred my mother over my father cuz my father scared me. (I was a rebel) But as I got older, I am now "Daddy's lil girl" I guess cuz my dad understands me more now than my mother does.

[RBSVARCHER]

My husband has to endure "I WANT MY MOMMY" 24/7

[GCS]

Sophia only wants me when she's tired, sick or hungry. Papa's ok to play with and she loves him, but she's Momma's girl.

Sam is Papa's buddy. But he's with me all the time, so I think that's pretty normal. He would shadow his dad all day if he could! He's still very affectionate to me and if something is wrong its me he comes to.

Pretty normal, I think!
Christina

[aspenhall]

ya know it can be personality stuff too.....I clash with my dd. AND daddy RARELY calls her out for being manipulative, he simply plays into her hand.....I however am no so easily tricked....

[hophock]

Here's an excerpt from something I wrote several years ago. The update is that after a couple years of therapy, things have totally changed for the better...


Both of the therapists that we've seen had HUGE concerns related to a child showing any preference for Dad. When we first saw therapist #1, my husband tried to argue with her...

"But our older son (bio) showed preference to me; he always would run to me right when I came home from work. He loved to play with me and horse around with me when he was this child's age. There is no difference."

She informed us (and now I believe her, but it took a while) that there is a difference. That this child's intimate contact with Dad was more superficial and he was avoiding the deeper and more personal intimate contact with me. It was very hard to tell the difference. I went back and watched video of my older son interracting with me at the age of this child. I was astounded (and hugely reminded) of how he would just gaze into my eyes...very loving...never trying to avert his gaze...and this was even when I was holding the video camera. Things are not at the same intimate level with this child. Things have hugely improved, but they are forcing us to work very hard at the bond between us. Apparently, in order to go on to form healthy future relationships, he must first have a real, personal, no-holding-back, intimate relationship with me. And, since it's women who have always disappointed him, his natural inclination is to turn toward Dad, because he's "safer."

Now, this isn't to say that we don't have great days. We have lots of great days. He'll run to me with a boo-boo. He stays near us in public. He wants to be held when there are strangers around. I rock him both nap and night. To anyone on the outside, he would appear perfectly normal...but under an attachment professional's eye...and under my eye (after being forced to look by the professionals!), it is not the same as it is with my bio kids. And for his own health, we feel we must continue to stretch him in this area.

[lmvsmom]

hophock,

What are some of the exercises that you are doing with your child to facilitate attachment?

[lmvsmom]

Okay, the more I think about this, the more I get really upset. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I bathe him, feed him, kiss his boo boos, play with him, tell him I love him every day, what else am I supposed to do?! Forgive the desperation in my post, it's just that I feel like a failure and so alone....

It's not that he rejects me completely, not at all, but there's just not that excitement in his eyes when I come into the room.
(Sigh)

[aspenhall]

BE gone for longer........take a Saturday (or any other day you and DH have off) Leave him with daddy (or a sitter) and be gone for several hours.....4-8 at least. When you get back, he'll run to you eventually.....do this about 1-2 times a month. BTW how old is he? He simply may be so secure with you that he doesn't experience the PANGS of missing you and therefore can't feel the exhilaration at your return....

You can decide if that is a good idea or a bad one. It helped with my dd.

[hophock]

Originally Posted by lmvsmom

Okay, the more I think about this, the more I get really upset. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I bathe him, feed him, kiss his boo boos, play with him, tell him I love him every day, what else am I supposed to do?! Forgive the desperation in my post, it's just that I feel like a failure and so alone....

It's not that he rejects me completely, not at all, but there's just not that excitement in his eyes when I come into the room.

What are some of the exercises that you are doing to facilitate attachment?

You have every right to feel upset. I was very upset when I figured out that our son's relationship with me wasn't completely reciprocal. It was very, very hard to take. And you are very much not alone.

We have spent the last several years doing a wide variety of things to facilitate attachment...

We increased nurture--as you describe, but we also regressed him--giving him bottles several times a day, rocking with him, co-sleeping, carrying him, doing baby games (like fingerplays.)

We increased structure--he stayed very close to me. I gave him the freedoms more like one would give a baby...i.e. not much freedom. I made decisions for him rather than giving him a lot of choices.

We held him as described in Holding Time (by Martha Welch.) I didn't express my own feelings, I just held him as he expressed his. This actually made a difference after just a week.

We found an awesome attachment therapist. Without her we wouldn't be where we are today. She taught us how to be therapeutic parents.

We started neurodevelopmental exercises, designed to rewire (or wire for the first time) parts of the brain impacting attachment (that can be damaged when a child undergoes early loss/separation.) Here's some basic info:

http://www.open.org/~nntc/page27.html

Our son is a completely different child than he was just 2-3 years ago. You CAN change this relationship. But "normal" methods of getting love in may need to be supplemented with other methods designed for kids who've experienced early loss.

All the best!

[treoto5]

If you are home with him all day, then he is going to treat daddy like the grand prize when he gets home. He doesn't see daddy all day and then when daddy does get home, he wants all his attention. He probably feels secure in the fact that if he needs anything, you will be there.

I felt the same concern with my eldest because he not only bonded with my DH first (took much longer with me) he also sought him out when he was home. My eldest wouldn't show much excitement when I came home but practically did cartwheels when my DH or grandma or one of his aunts walked through the door.

It's an age thing. When mine are sick or hurt, they run to me. When they need a hug or a story, they run to me. When they want to be "guys" and rough-house and tumble and get dirty and talk tools and sports, they run to daddy. Sometimes, they just need their daddy.

Just a note, my boys were mine until they hit about age 2 1/2 - 3. Then, I was old news and daddy was the cool cat in the house. I felt abandoned and really hurt especially with my first one. But, the grandmas talked to me about how it was normal and how it would ease up and it has! Also, aspenhalls advice is right on. If you are gone for a while, they will be excited to see you. It takes time but it does happen. Don't worry. He's still your boy but right now he's going to be daddy's bud. He's emulating dad and wants to be a guy.

[proudmommyof 2]

[quote=treoto5]

Just a note, my boys were mine until they hit about age 2 1/2 - 3. Then, I was old news and daddy was the cool cat in the house. I felt abandoned and really hurt especially with my first one.


I agree with treoto5 completely. Dennis is still mine if he wants to read or cuddle, but he's a man, as he informs me now, and wants to go do "guy stuff". Conversely, he hates Daddy to try to sing or read to him.

I have to say, though, that both boys came to me over Daddy when they were babies. Is your ds acting toward you the same way your dd did toward Daddy at first?